Over, Under & Through
by stupidsuckedinreader
Summary: AU/NM:Before descending down the dark abyss into depression, Lauren & Jessica help Bella to move on. Lauren's theory of being dumped is that to get over someone, you have to get under someone else. Despite their efforts, is Bella's fate to be a Cullen? M
1. Chapter 1: Gone

**Story Summary: This is an AU/NM story. This story begins just as Bella is about to return to school. Renee has come and gone. In the books this is the blank chapters. In this AU, Bella's school friends are not going to allow her to fall down into the dark abyss of depression. To her surprise, Lauren Mallory is actually leading the charge help heal Bella. There is more to Lauren Mallory and her hatred of Bella than SM ever let on - this goes beyond Tyler Crowley liking Bella. Join Lauren, Bella and friends through their mis-adventures of senior year and beyond. Can Bella get over Edward Cullen or is she destined to be with him?**

_**A/N: In this story, while she is still in shock and healing, Bella refers to Edward as He. She cannot outwardly say his name or even think his name. It is hard to do the same thing for the rest of the Cullens . Inspiration for this chapter came from Matt Nathanson's song Gone. Thanks Isabel Grace for helping me flush out ideas and telling me I am not crazy. Also thank you to Project Team Beta for taking a chance on an unknown kid. Also, Bella won't always be this emo. If you can read on, she does get better.**_

_I'm short of breath, I'm sure  
gone, let it wash away all the best I had  
gone, and when I disappear  
don't expect me, don't expect me back_

_gone, let it wash away  
the best I had  
gone, and when I disappear  
don't expect me back  
don't expect me back  
don't expect me back_

_- Matt Nathanson_

Chapter 1: Gone

**Bella POV**

I stared up at my ceiling as my thoughts wandered to the same ones that had consumed my brain. _He_ left me. They left me. had been a week since the Cullens had left .Disappeared. Vanished. The week was a complete blur. My downward spiral into a human zombie was quick, and poor Charlie didn't know what to do with my raging teenage hormones or me. So, he had called in reinforcements... Renee.

My mom had shown up two days after they had left. During that time, I hadn't left my bed and I couldn't remember eating. School hadn't even crossed my mind. Alone – I was completely and utterly alone_._

Renee had barreled into town with a burst of energy. She had worked hard to get me to eat, shower and put on fresh clothes. She had used metaphors to try to get me to see a bigger picture.

"Bella, men are like streetcars, one leaves another will be around shortly," she had tried to explain to me.

But, her advice had fallen on deaf ears. _He_ was not a streetcar. _He_ was not a typical boy or man. _He_ had been mine and I his. Had been. As in past tense. As in not anymore. Now _He_ was gone.

Already restless by her second day in Forks, Renee had spent the remainder of her visit to Forks trying to convince me to head back to Jacksonville with her, where she lived with my stepfather Phil. Charlie had been easily convinced. He would do anything to get that look off my face. Given my catatonic state, he had been ready to comply, but then again Charlie could never say no to Renee. I, on the other hand, had put my foot down and had told her no.

Saying more than I had in days, I had calmly spoken to my child-like mother. "Forks is my home now. Charlie needs me. I am staying here. You can go back to Jacksonville now." My tone had been even keeled, but the words I spoke were like me, devoid of emotion.

In the past year, I had established two groups of friends. Even now with the hole in my heart and life, I had more friends in Forks than I had during my entire schooling in Phoenix. Before Renee had boarded her plane, it had been settled; I stayed on the single stipulation that I returned to school Monday morning.

Yesterday, she went back to the sun and left me with the clouds and the rain. Renee had made me promise to try to move on and to email her daily with updates. I had convinced myself that I could operate as just a shell of the person Although _He_ always joked about my acting skills, I had to give the performance of my life.

September 26 was my first day back at school, ten days since my world had fallen apart. I cursed the alarm clock as it assaulted my ears and slowly I left the solace of my bed. I glanced at myself in the mirror. My dark hoodie and black jeans indicated one thing – death. _Mourning. I am in mourning._ The rumors in this small town must be circulating, but I tried not to think about that. Instead, I focused on not tripping, as I carefully headed down the steps to attempt to swallow some breakfast.

Charlie was sitting at the table reading the paper. _He must be worried about me ditching._ I made myself some cereal but realized we were out of milk. _Guess with me in a catatonic state, no one had thought to buy more_. I made a mental note to go to the store after school. Charlie didn't say anything as I mechanically went about my routine. I chomped down the cereal dry and washed it down with a glass of orange juice. As I got up to leave, he looked up to me from this seat at the table, and folded his newspaper.

"Try Bella, just try." His message was all that he said as he looked at me with familiar deep chocolate brown eyes.

I bit my lip, nodded my head, and headed out the door to my truck.

As I drove to school, I willed myself not to look down at the new radio - the one that they'd installed as my birthday gift just a few days ago. I stared straight at the road and pulled into the parking lot.

We had almost all of our classes together and we had always sat in the back. As I entered my first class of the day, I stood in the front of the room like a new student, again. My legs could not move me to my old seat and my eyes could not look at the empty one next to it.

"Mrs. White, can I switch my seat?" I asked my rotund, middle-aged teacher.

"Sure, Bella, sit wherever you'd like." she replied with a sympathetic glance.

I quickly glanced around the room looking for familiar faces. My eyes met Angela's and she motioned with her head to the empty seat next to her. I realized it was directly behind Jessica and diagonal from Lauren, who sat next to her. Both girls seemed intent to stare at me. I quickly made my way to the seat and sat down all the while feeling the burn of Jessica's stare. As I sat down, she whipped her head around.

"Bella, I totally know what you're going through. Mike and I broke up after a very intense summer," she said, over-emphasizing the word very. "Please let us girls help you get over him. In fact, as I saw your face this morning, I realized it is now my personal mission this year to get you over Edward Cullen!"

Angela and, surprisingly, Lauren's eyeballs shifted to Jessica and then she slowly nodded.

Lauren quietly chanted, "Rule number one, chicks before dicks!"

I bit my lip and realized saying no to Angela might not be a problem. I did not, however, have the energy or the strength to say no to Jessica and Lauren, because I knew they wouldn't accept that.

My morning classes flew by. Two weeks ago, _He_was the center of my universe, the only person who mattered on the roster, I now realized my other friends were there and they had been all along. Angela, Jessica and shockingly Lauren were each in at least one of my classes. My teachers were very accommodating. They all let me move seats so I could sit with my newly re-discovered friends. By my third class I began to wonder if Charlie had called the principal and spoken to him about me.

I was pleased to learn that during my absence, my English class had finished the unit on Romeo and Juliet and had moved on to a unit on poetry. It was a relief to be away from a story on two star-crossed lovers. The first section in this unit was humorous poetry. Anything was better than sonnets.

After class, Angela walked briskly with me to the cafeteria. I wasn't very hungry, but these days my insides were so numb that I usually had to remind myself to eat. The one thing about Angela was that she did not mind silence and did not have to fill every minute with mindless chatter. As we made our way to the cafeteria, it was obvious to both of us that Bella Swan was the hot topic of conversation in the hallways of Forks High School. As we passed, the underclassmen's conversations would stop and only continue as soon as we walked by.

"Come on, Bella, you really should eat something," Angela stated, as she pulled my arm toward the lunch line.

My stomach grumbled as we entered the lunch line, I grabbed some French fries and some mac and cheese, not exactly healthy, but comfort food nonetheless. Well, at least the thought of it sounded good. I added a chocolate chip cookie to my tray as I glanced at the table that they had once occupied. Lauren, Jessica and Angela were sitting at what had become our usual table, except they were no longer there.

I took my tray and walked toward the table noticing that Ben, Eric, Tyler and even Mike had not sat down. I lifted my head and looked around the room and then back at Angela quizzically.

"We told them we needed some girl talk today for lunch. Lauren even threatened them with tampon and period talk, so they promised to stay away," explained Jessica.

"Thanks," I said as I sat down at the table.

Despite my tray of comfort food, my heart was empty, which left my stomach queasy. I pushed the food around on my plate and picked the chocolate chips out of the cookie.

Jessica spoke up first. "Ladies, we're coming together because it is now time to put chicks before dicks. Okay Bella, we know the Cullens left. It's all around town Dr. Cullen received an offer in sunny Los Angeles. Did Edward just spring it on you? Did he not think long distance could work? Why'd he tell you in the woods and leave you out there? What a freakin' asshole!"

_How do I explain this without giving anything away about them?_

"He started acting distant around my birthday but I didn't think anything of it. I guess he knew about the move and was just not sure how to tell me. I'm still not sure why he left me in the middle of the woods. He's not an..."

The word asshole could not come out of my mouth; my heart wouldn't let my tongue betray it. Instead I just looked down staring intently into my mac and cheese.

Unexpectedly, Lauren spoke up in a protective tone. "Bella, you and I haven't always gotten along. I pretty much hated you since the moment you came to town last year..."

"Gee thanks."

"...but I think what Edward did you to was awful. I sort of noticed how distant he was after your birthday, right before he left you. Given your current circumstances, I can't hate you anymore; it just goes against girl code. You know - chicks before dicks, to hate someone who has been kicked down as hard as you've been. While you were out last week, we decided that we're going to watch out for you. Jessica, Ang and I want to help you get over him."

"How?" I slowly asked looking over to her. I didn't want to be over him. I didn't want to forget him.

Lauren quipped in. "We've got a plan. First, you need to get your haircut, even if it is a trim. Men can be symbolized in split ends and to get over them they need to be cut off. Then you need to do a little shopping, perhaps a makeover."

"But, but," I stammered to say that the pixie had already done this for me last spring and in the summer, but I would not say her name either.

"Alice did a lot with you over the summer, but fall and winter in Forks is different and you'll probably still need some warmer clothes," Angela piped in.

"Then, you need pampering. Mani's, pedi's, maybe even a facial. Finally, you need to have plans for this weekend. We are taking you out. And followed up by a good ol' fashion slumber party. You can't say no to any of this or else we are just going to call Chief Swan and let him allow us to ambush you!" Lauren threatened with a stern look in her eye, but a smile on her face.

I wasn't sure about all of this. _He_ had said not to do anything reckless. Surely extreme makeover, Forks style, couldn't be deemed reckless. Besides, what did _He _care anyways? _He_had left. The thought that _He_ was gone caused me to shake, as I quickly hugged myself and let out a deep breath.

Jessica then chirped in, "We're going to blow this town and meet some non-Forks boys for once. You know boys who we have not known since preschool. Fresh meat!"

Her last statement only made me think of him.

_Don't let him control you like this. Fresh meat, mountain lion, hunting, topaz eyes, his eyes. All thoughts led back to him. _I hated myself.

Out loud, their plan, as stupid and John Hughes-like as it sounded, did seem better than the alternative of wallowing in my own self pity. Then in only the most insightful way possible, Angela spoke up.

"Bella, you can't wallow in the loss of the relationship. You have to overcome your grief."

"There are tons of cute guys in Port Angeles and there is supposed to be a big party this weekend. We'll all go. Well at least us single ladies will go!" Lauren stated with her queen-bee like authority. "Afterward we'll do a big sleepover at my house complete with cheesy movies, truth-or-dare, and plenty of gossiping. It's a sure-fire way to start your healing process. Or something like that. You, though have to get out of this town for a little bit."

Everything they were proposing was not me. It was that stereotypical girly girl thing - not a Bella Swan thing. These were not things for the klutzy girl who did not dance and loved Jane Austen. _That Bella Swan apparently is not lovable._ The surface changes seemed easy enough, but what I didn't and couldn't comprehend of their plan was how to change my heart.

Sticking my fork into the mac and cheese and shoveling a pile of the gooey, cheesy mess from the plate and into my mouth and with the food half chewed, blurted out, "But how am I going to get over him?"

Lauren and Jessica both crinkled their noses, looked at one another, and then smiled with cat-like grins.

"The best way to get over one guy Bella - " Jessica stated, as she arched an eyebrow, "-is to get under another guy!"


	2. Chapter 2: Cry

_**A/N: Thanks to Isabel Grace for helping me flush out this story. Huge thanks goes to Project Team Beta. I really appreciate their help. You ladies are amazing. I do not own Twilight. All rights belong to their respective owners.**_

_Cry:_

_If anyone asks,_  
_I'll tell them we both just moved on_  
_When people all stare_  
_I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk_  
_…  
Is it over yet?_  
_Can I open my eyes?_  
_Is this as hard as it gets?_  
_Is this what it feels like to really cry?_

_- Kelly Clarkson_

**Lauren POV**

When Bella Swan moved to Forks, I didn't even try to like her. Why should I? All of the boys here were practically falling over themselves for her. She's really pretty and although I do not waste my time dating boys from my own high school anymore, it had still stung to lose all of that attention. Yeah, sure I had my fair share of them when I was younger, but I'd pretty much exhausted the town of Forks as far as eligible bachelors go. I just like to be the center of attention. I wasn't hugged enough as a child, so shoot me!

Despite Forks' limited supply of guys, I wasn't without options. This past summer, I had befriended a bunch of hot guys I'd met through some family friends. They lived around Port Angeles. On top of that, my older brother had just started his sophomore year at University of Washington up in Seattle. He gave me an open invitation – college boys. The very thought had made Jessica and I both squeal.

So when Jessica had told me that Edward Cullen and his family had left and Bella was pretty much a complete wreck, I had been a little taken aback. It was not like I was taking pleasure in her pain. Truthfully, I felt sorry for her. She really loved him. Not that I know about love all that much. Sure, I had dated several guys, but my relationships ever since Jeff, normally lasted six weeks, if that, and then like clockwork, the guy would get sick of me and dump me, or I would get bored and move on. Not like I'd ever tell any of my friends that; they thought I was ruthless, a bonafide maneater.

After Jessica passed along the news about Bella, I did something that shocked even me. I told Jessica we should really try to help her. She agreed, as she and Bella were sort of friends. They had hung out a few times last year. Not like us though, Jessica and I had been best friends since elementary school. .

Sometimes, I think Jess and I are the only ones who read fashion magazines on the entire Olympic Peninsula! Columbia and North Face are cool but in that crunchy, earthy, outdoorsy kind of way. Most of the other girls in schools are happy being just regular, normal, and downright boring. Those girls avoided us. They thought we were mean, self-centered and bitchy. I was, Jessica could be, and Angela wasn't. As far as style went, most girls only tried to dress as nice as I did. Working together, Jessica and I did a decent job, making Angela look fashionably well put-together; almost as much as we were. Now Alice Cullen, despite her weirdness, really improved Bella's look, but there was so much more to do there. Definitely more!

When Jessica and I had first started talking about taking Bella under our wings, Angela had made us promise to go easy on her. I love Angela, and always have since our days in the sandbox. She's always so kind to people and I love that she never developed that mean girl vibe that Jessica and I have. Ours must be from playing on the school's volleyball team or from just being popular. When we were brainstorming ideas on how to help Bella, Jessica brought up a makeover. It was not a horrible idea. I am sure Bella would need some work. Rumor had it, she was found in the woods and completely catatonic. I could relate. Thinking about my own experience, had reminded me of my haircut rule.

It had started end of sophomore year, I had just gone to prom with my brother's best friend, Jeff. Jeff and I had always sniffed each other's butts ever since I started growing boobs. We had flirted my freshman year, and by the time my sophomore year started, we had become the "it" couple. My brother, Brett, hadn't even minded that I was dating his best friend. He had thought it was a little odd, but he'd turned a blind eye to me partying with him and his friends.

After Christmas, Jeff had started pressuring me to have sex. I had been still technically a virgin at the time. We had done pretty much everything but the deed. By spring, I had all but relented and then decided after prom, because prom night was way too trite. So, instead, we did it the day after prom. A few awkward phone calls later, he dumped me, over the phone. He promptly left for a summer in Europe, leaving me completely catatonic. Somehow, I found the strength to leave the house, two weeks later, after much coaxing from my mom, I headed straight to Port Angeles where I got three inches of my hair chopped off and highlights on top. It made me feel like a weight had been lifted off of me, even if it was just some split ends.

Somehow, the haircut allowed me to feel anew, and so it became a ritual. For most of my junior year, each time I had met someone new, I had allowed myself to fall head over heels in an endless cycle of dating guys that I held little interest in. Doing this hadn't taken the pain away, but it had lessened the blow. Now as a senior, I had decided no more relationships, instead the best thing for me was to act like a guy. Love 'em and leave 'em. Use them for what I need and then toss their asses to the curb. Guys do it? Why can't I?

You know how they say, you never know how someone feels until you have walked a mile in their shoes? Well, Bella Swan and I wear the same shoe size, and I have run miles in her place. What she doesn't know is that I also know how to get over it. This was exactly why I knew when Jessica had passed along the news, that I was the only one in this town who was able to pass along my infinite break up wisdom to the untouchable Bella Swan.

The hardest part for me was getting over my past with Bella Swan. I barely knew the girl, but I had never really liked her. _Lauren be nice._ _Do not be a bitch.__This girl is in need.__You have been there, and you would have killed for someone to come and help you out.__Crap, guess I cannot use my Bella Swan limerick for English class…_

_There once was a girl from a sunny place,_

_Who fell in love with a beautiful face,_

_He moved to LA_

_Her heart began to fray_

_And now she just stares into space…._

_God I was a total bitch. I am sure I can find someone else to make fun of, even though Jessica had thought it was funny. Hmmm... Mike Newton._

_There once was a guy who worked in his parent's store,_

_Who was a complete and utter bore,_

_He was a total tool,_

_Not to mention the joke of the entire school,_

_And now he cannot even get sex from a whore._

Jess loved it. "Lauren you're a poet, and you didn't even know it!"

"Gee Jess, don't pushy my tushy, then."

I rolled my eyes at her little rhyme. She was such a goofball sometimes. The poem about Bella was now balled up at the bottom of my locker with other trash. I'd have to be satisfied with Mike Newton as the new subject for my English assignment.

For the first time in almost a year, I actually paid attention to Bella at lunch, while we solidified plans with her. On Saturday, we would head up to Port Angeles for the day. Jessica was in charge of making the appointments – haircut for Bella at Snips, mani's and pedi's for us girls, lunch at the Sound Café and then a little shopping. We would top off the night with a slumber party at Jessica's house. We had at first mentioned to Bella about going to a party, but I think we needed more female bonding. Our little Bella didn't know what was in store for her…

**Bella POV**

The week passed and I slowly caught up with the work I had missed. My nights were spent doing homework, cooking dinner for Charlie and avoiding silences. Instead of working on homework at the desk in my room, I relocated to kitchen table while Charlie watched baseball.

I am not sure what compelled me to say yes to Angela, Jessica and Lauren. Peer pressure, I guess, or maybe it was that I didn't have the energy to just say no. They all had been great to me since Monday. Lauren surprised me the most, since I thought she hated me. I was actually starting to like her the more I learned about her, which shocked me even more. Hearing about her life kept me from thinking of my own, though. I learned she was a lot more than my initial impression of her. She spent every Wednesday at a nearby nursing home, reading celebrity gossip magazines to her grandmother and her friends. She seemed genuinely concerned about helping me.

Even though I was functioning, this didn't mean the hurt was gone. I had resigned myself to be an empty shell of a person. If Jessica and Lauren wanted to decorate me like an Easter egg, then who was I to argue. Just like a decorated Easter egg, I was hollow inside.

Staying in Forks was important to me, so keeping my grades up would be equally as important. I couldn't be the new girl again in Jacksonville; not my senior year. Friday night I had spent time catching up on schoolwork, laundry and baking meals to stick in the freezer. I made several casseroles and lasagnas –one meat the other veggie. My recent drift into the realm of heartache had not made me lazy; I just wanted to be prepared in case one of the girls wanted to hang out after school or Charlie did decide my hormones were too much and shipped me away.

"Bella, make sure to bring your pills with you to the sleepover tomorrow night. You don't want to scare those girls with your nightmares."

"Okay dad. I'll pack them."

The pills had been weighing heavily on my mind since the invite was extended and accepted. I had been taking a sedative to help me fall asleep and stay asleep since that night a few weeks ago. I did not want my entire life to rely on those magic little pills, but for now they assured me a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Without them the nightmares would come, re-living being left alone in the woods without him.

Turning back to my calculus homework, I let out a deep sigh. If I could conquer this subject, I could get straight A's.

The next day, Angela, Jessica and Lauren picked me up promptly at 9:00 A.M. With my overnight bag in tow, I left the confines of the house fearful about what they were going to do to me, but too indifferent to care. As I climbed into the car I could not help but notice the music playing in the car- Kelly Clarkson's, _Miss Independent_. How fitting. As we drove, it became quite apparent that the CD was a specially made mix for just this sort of occasion. All of the songs had a common theme - women not needing men and attempts at trying to marginalize the meaning of true love.

It was too early on a Saturday for even Jessica to be chatty, so we listened to the music on the drive there. I didn't even think about what was going to be done to me until walking into Snips on the main street in Port Angeles. It was one of those super-trendy hair salons where the stylists all wear black and appear to be very fashionable and up-to-date on all the latest trends. Luis would be cutting my hair today. He was a fairly fit man with a star tattoo on his elbow and was dressed in tight denim jeans and a fitted black t-shirt.

He approached us looking us up and down.

"So, what are we having done today?"

"Bella is in for a post-break up hair cut. We were thinking of some side swept bangs and perhaps a little layering. Maybe using the razor instead of scissors on the end to give her an edgier look," replied Jessica. She then added, "Oh and none of that Jennifer Aniston layered haircut look either."

My eyes widened trying to comprehend what she said, but at this point if they wanted to play Barbie dolls, I was happy to stand in and let them dress me up.

"Not too short," I added.

"Faboo! Let's get started!" Luis quickly ushered me to the shampooing station in the back of the salon.

As he snipped away, I let my mind go blank. It almost felt like I was watching someone else get a haircut, not me. I am sure if someone pinched me, I wouldn't have even felt pain. I was numb to the core.

An hour later, Luis spun me around in his chair. I looked at myself in the mirror. I barely recognized the girl standing back at me. Gone were my soft waves and long hair. Instead my hair was blown out straight and I had bangs. Wow! I kind of look pretty badass. Having my hair blown out by a professional definitely made a difference. Luis was talented, maybe not as much as my best friend, but I had to give the man props; my lifeless hair had some bounce.

As I really looked at myself, tears streamed down my face. It was the first tear I had shed since _He_ left. I wasn't me anymore. I was not the me I was when I was withhim. _What if He came back and did not recognize me? He's not coming back. He left you are alone. Alone._I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together.

"Oh no! You don't like it do you?"

"No, it's great, it's just not me, or the old me. I guess it could be the new me." _I wondered who this new me was? I wondered if I even knew._Before I got lost in my own thoughts, Jessica, Lauren and Angela came over to examine my hair.

Lauren looked me up and down before opening her mouth. "Wow! That is a great haircut."

Angela, who looked at my face, not my hair, saw the tears welling up in my eyes and handed me a tissue. "Bella, you look beautiful."

"Thanks."

Jessica, who took to brushing off stray pieces of hair was the last to comment. "Luis, you do great work."

I quickly paid and tipped Luis. Boy, I am glad I spent the summer working at Newton's. The extra cash, though most of it was for college, was going to come in handy with these girls. I promised Luis I would be back for a trim. In all honesty, I did feel a little lighter, a little carefree. The girls then whisked me off for manicures and pedicures. I had never had one before, at least not professionally. Renee had done my nails in Phoenix, but I usually messed up the polish within the first day of having it on.

Angela and Jessica were talking while Lauren flipped through a fashion magazine as they got their pedicures. I know they were trying to include me but there were only three stations for pedicures, so I was off getting a manicure. It was not until my hands were soaking that I realized I had not thought of him for almost the entire morning. Except my mini haircut meltdown I had been distracted. Being slightly isolated from the rest of them caused my mind to wander.

_What was I doing? This is not me at all. I am just giving in to them and surrendering myself. Did I really know the real me? I am only eighteen years old. All my life, I have been tied to other people, first taking care of my mom and being her parent, then I moved to Forks, started to care for my dad__and fell for__him. What about Bella? Who am I? I looked down at my hands, now being rubbed with lotion by a stranger. I am definitely not the girl who gets manicures. Speak up Bella. Say something._

"Guys, I don't want to do this."

Angela looked at me and then got up from her chair and hobbled over careful not to have her toes touch the ground. She came over beside me and whispered, "Bella, I know this is a lot. How about just a pedicure and then we will go grab some lunch?"

I nodded my head. Angela graciously gave me her pedicure chair. I sat back and allowed the rollers to gently massage my back and closed my eyes, wishing myself anywhere but here, then opened them realizing I had nowhere else to go.


	3. Chapter 3: Hopelessly Devoted

**A/N: I do very thorough due diligence (I do due diligence) on pop culture reference, as well as Twilight references so that everything I write as accurate as possible on years and such given that this is supposed to take place in September 2005. SM owns all things Twilight. I just play. Song for this chapter: Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease. Cheesy, I know, but Grease was and still is such a classic high school movie. Thank you so much Project Team Beta! You ladies are wonderful and to Isabel Grace my twi-bud IRL. A big thanks to my validation beta, sassygeminimom.**

**Just a warning if you like Mike Newton you may never think about him the same way twice.**

_Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do  
I'm hopelessly devoted to you  
But now there's nowhere to hide,  
since you pushed my love aside I'm not in my head,  
hopelessly devoted to you  
Hopelessly devoted to you,  
hopelessly devoted to you_

_-Olivia Newton-John_

**Bella POV**

_Fake being sick. Make up an excuse about having to go home to take care of Charlie or something, anything._ Excuses wouldn't work_;_ Charlie knew I was supposed to be staying over at Jessica's house, and he would worry even more than he already did if I backed out of going and showed up at home.

After the pedicure, the rest of the day seemed to pass by as quickly as any day with Jessica and Lauren could. Those two could talk a girl's ear off. They talked about clothes, school, teachers, and boys. Lots and lots of boys. Eating lunch definitely helped me refocus my acting ability. I was glad when we ran off to a small sandwich shop instead of La Bella Italia. I wanted to avoid that restaurant for the rest of my life.

Throughout the day, Angela was very sweet and encouraging. She didn't exactly fit in with Lauren and Jessica, but from what I gathered from their conversations, their friendship went back to when they were little kids. She enjoyed the shopping and the girly stuff but, like me, let them do most of the talking and only piped in when they directly asked her a question. While in one of the clothing boutiques I was talked into buying a new sweater. Jessica said it was a Fairy Isle style or something like that. It seemed that these days giving in to peer pressure was about all I could do. _Just say no. Hah!_Jessica hinted at meeting up with some boys while we were in Port Angeles, but based on my earlier meltdown, Lauren, whose opinion seemed to matter the most as the leader of this pack, made the decision to just lay low tonight… boy-less. I was more than happy to oblige.

We arrived back in Forks just around twilight, and as we drove toward Jessica's house, I winced looking at the skyline. _He loved this time of day._ Jessica interrupted my thoughts of him, and I gladly welcomed it.

"What toppings do we want on the pizzas?" asked Jessica.

"Pepperoni"

"Plain"

"Mushroom," I quietly replied.

Taking charge of the order, Jessica made the final decision on what to order. "Okay, we'll get two large pizzas: one plain, the other half mushroom, half pepperoni. Everyone satisfied? Don't fill up on pizza though. What's a slumber party without popcorn, M&M's and maybe pretzels dipped in rainbow cake frosting?"

"Ewww, that sounds disgusting; pretzels and cake frosting?" I said in a repulsed tone.

Angela explained this strange food combination was a tradition that had started when the three of them were in junior high. Slumber parties had been a regular occurrence for them since then. She made me promise to at least give it a try.

After getting our overnight and sleeping bags out of the trunk we headed inside. Jessica motioned for us to go to the family room where we all placed our stuff in a corner and climbed on the plaid-print couch. Jessica ran into the kitchen, ordered pizzas, and brought back sodas and a bowl of M&Ms. She set them down on the coffee table, she went to the DVD player and popped in a movie.

"The only way to start a slumber party: watching _Grease_!"

The last time I had seen this movie was when I was a little kid. Renee watched it with me when I was home sick with the chicken pox.

The pizzas came during the "Summer Lovin'" song and I slowly ate two slices of mushroom pizza. I had forgotten the guy from _Face/Off_could dance and sing so well.

Throughout the movie I thought about him_._ _He would have looked so hot as a greaser in the fifties._ I tried to picture him with his unruly hair slicked back and the sleeves rolled up on a white undershirt. I was jealous that Danny and Sandy could both change themselves to make the other one happy. Why couldn't we do that? We had such a hard time finding middle ground. I would have gladly changed for him. Even though _He_ had not wanted me to, I always thought _He_ would change his mind and I would be like him, like all of them_._ I sighed loudly and everyone turned and looked at me for a split second, before turning their attention back to the movie.

Lauren, Jessica, and Angela seemed to know this movie by heart; they sang along to all of the songs. Apparently I had missed out on orientation at Rydell High School. During Rizzo's song about Sandy, being an inexperienced good girl, I suddenly became very aware that I was probably the least experienced person in this room. That was his decision…not mine_._In all honesty, the just kissing policy had gotten old, not that I didn't treasure every kiss, but I wished for more. _Stop thinking about him. Stop._

I tried to immerse myself in the rest of the movie. I never realized how dirty this movie was, but it really was. I couldn't believe Renee had let me watch this. I must have been too young to understand the meaning in most of the dialogue. As Sandy and Danny drove off into the sunset, I looked around and saw that everyone was beaming. They loved a happy ending. _Where was mine?_

Jessica turned off the DVD player with the remote and said, "Okay, how about we roll out our sleeping bags, get in our pajamas and…"

"Play some truth or dare while we munch on some pretzels and frosting?" Lauren interjected.

Angela and I both shrugged our shoulders. I wasn't sure if I trusted myself to Lauren and Jessica to be completely, but I had gone this far so I might as well keep playing along.

After we were settled and I had experienced my first frosting dipped pretzel, (which as sickening as it sounded, was incredibly good), we started out with truth or dare. Naturally, Jessica went first as it was her house and she was playing hostess for the evening.

"Hmmm… Lauren, truth or dare?" she asked.

"Dare."

"I dare you to call Tyler and ask him how big his cock is."

"Really, is that the best you can think of Jess? Really? I would have expected you to come up with something a little more risqué, but okay..." Lauren said as she went to her bag, grabbed her cell phone and executed her dare. She spoke very quickly on the phone and then hung it up, slamming her cell phone close. "Eight inches," she said. Then as she hung up the phone she rolled her eyes and said, "What a liar! Okay my turn." She looked around our little circle, until her eyes landed on Angela. "Hmmm…Angela, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"How far have you and Ben gone?"

Angela blushed and she looked down. "Second base but we're slowly moving toward third. My dad _is_ a preacher."

Lauren looked up and laughed, "Aren't preacher's kids supposed to be more rebellious just for that reason? Didn't you get the memo, Angela?"

"No, I guess not, but I guess being friends with you is as rebellious as I get," Angela said quietly but in a joking manner. She looked directly at me, as she realized it was her turn. "Bella, truth or dare?"

"Uhhh… truth I guess," I did not want to hurt myself doing some type of crazy dare.

"What do you _really_think of Forks, Forks High School, and all of us? Do you regret moving here?"

"The weather could be better – obviously, but as for the people," I paused, "well, I thought after, well I thought that my life would suck, but then you guys approached me and it was not expected at all. Having you three around this week, has really meant a lot to me. It has made me realize that I have really come to love this town. I love spending time with Charlie. In a way he is easier to deal with than my mom can be. So despite…" I paused again, thinking about him, "…everything, I am glad I moved here."

Angela pulled me into a hug as Lauren and Jessica joined in. "Bella, that is so sweet. If anything good comes out of this it's that we have all become better friends. Guess what? It's your turn to ask a question," Angela said softly.

**Lauren POV**

Did I believe that Bella really loved Forks? Heck no. I mean, who loves Forks? I have lived here my whole life and cannot wait to get out. Our game of truth or dare eventually came back to me. This time I chose truth. The question was posed by Bella.

"_Have you ever been in love and what happened?"_

I sighed, realizing that it was time Bella knew the truth about me. That is, about Jeff and me.

There was no doubt in my mind that Jeff was my first love. All the other "men", "boys", whatever you want to call them, that I have been with, be it a one night stand or a longer lasting fling, were lust. They just fill the void caused by being dumped. I recounted the story that Angela and Lauren both knew so well that they could probably tell it better than I could. Bella nodded her head as I told her how when I was with him it just felt right and there was no one else who ever made me feel that way. _Trust me, I have searched._Bella leaned in and listened closely as I explained how it ended so abruptly without any reason and how I coped.

"Jeff graduated right after prom and _I_ still had to go back for lower classmen finals. It was hell trying to explain what happened to everyone. I had told them that we didn't want to be tied down in a long distance relationship and we just moved on. Even though I'm physically not with him, my heart still is, even to this day. I just can't believe I gave him my virginity and he ran away. It's like a freaking Avril Lavigne song. Truthfully, we probably would've broken up before he left for school anyways, but at least we would've had the summer together. Then he wouldn't have made me feel so cheap by sleeping with me and then leaving me."

"The whole break up process sucks; burning photos of us or cutting him out of them does no good. Besides, we're immortalized as the couple "Most Likely to Marry their High School Sweetheart" in the Forks yearbook. You know what? Two percent, well less than that actually marry and stay married to their high school sweetheart. I Googled it. I hate being immortalized like that in a yearbook. You can't exactly track down every copy and Sharpie the shit out of that picture. Well, I guess I could try… but still, Jeff 's still my brother's best friend. It's not easy to get over someone when they live in the same fraternity house as your brother. Brett won't talk to me about what's going on with him, so I just learn bits and pieces. I stalk his Facebook page. There, I said it. My name is Lauren and I'm a Facebook stalker," I said, as I chuckled through the tears.

"So how do you do it?" Bella asked. She looked at me like I had the answers she was seeking.

I wiped the tears streaming down my face. "Well, no one has yet to make me feel the way that Jeff made me feel, but I try with every guy. Well, almost every guy. I try to find that spark, that fluttering, even just a smidge of what I had with Jeff. What I thought he had with me."

My eyes met Bella's eyes which mirrored the same pain that I felt, the pain I had seen in her eyes all week, the pain of losing love. She had to realize that my getting over a break up technique was a way to build self-esteem. While it might feel good in the moment, that first love feeling might never come back. I was still looking for Mr. Right but was happy to make do with Mr. Right-Now.

**Bella POV**

I realized that Lauren and I had a lot more in common than I ever could have imagined. I started to understand the rational in why she was never nice to me: she was jealous.

Her story reminded me that I had nothing to remember him by. _He_ had taken all of the photographs. With no reminders, I was left with nothing to burn._I wonder if they were in the Fork's High School yearbook too?_

The girls were really sweet about not asking me questions specifically about my relationship with him. Lauren knew not to push too hard. Even almost a year and half out from her breakup she was still in pain.

We played a few more rounds of truth or dare. Thanks to Jessica, I found out a little bit more than I ever wanted to know about Mike Newton.

"Well, after prom last year, Mike could not keep his hands off of me. So, I figured we might as well just do it. Of course..." Jessica held up her fingers about an inch apart. "He had a teeny weenie. It was quite apparent it was his first time, so I gave him a pass. We did it a few more times after prom. On the last day of school, we went back to my house and did it. The phone rang, and since we were pretty much done, I went out to get it. When I came back, you are never going to believe what I saw." Jessica stopped to let us guess.

"Mike was jacking himself off?"

"Nope."

"He fell asleep?"

Jessica shook her head.

Lauren slapped Jessica's leg lightly. "Go on, just tell us already. Enough suspense." She rolled her eyes, obviously already knew what the big secret was.

"Okay, I came back to my room and found Mike in front of the mirror, wearing nothing but a pair of my heels and my lace g-string. Wait, it gets better. He was posing like a supermodel." Jessica demonstrated by putting her hands on her hips and hunching her shoulders forward.

Lauren burst out laughing. "He didn't do a couture pose, did he?"

"Did you break it off right then and there? I thought he broke it off with you?" Angela asked.

"He did. On both accounts. He told me he was just curious and I believed him. Maybe it was just that, he was curious, but after that there was always some distance between us. He broke it off a few weeks later. For the record, I have about three pairs of panties unaccounted for. I'm just saying."

_Wow!__That was surely going to make going to work tomorrow a tad awkward. I may never be able to look at Mike without cracking a smile ever again._

Even though truth or dare could be a pretty juvenile game, it really did show me that the intentions of my newfound friends were completely altruistic. I had never really done the sleepover thing in Phoenix – I didn't have any friends close enough. I was very much a loner, but playing this part of a stereotypical teenager seemed like a role I could easily act in. After the game, we talked, gossiped, and pigged out on junk food. I didn't realize how late it was getting, but before I knew it, it was 1:00 A.M.

I got up to go get ready for bed. Jessica pointed me toward the downstairs bathroom. She was lucky to have more than one in her house. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I took one of the magic pills Dr. Gerandy prescribed. I carefully returned the bottle back in my toiletry bag, burying it under other cosmetics, before I headed back to the girls.

When I got back everyone else was getting ready for bed as well, and I quickly got into my sleeping bag where the pills worked their magic.

The next morning, Jessica's mom woke us up somewhat early, for a weekend.

"Girls, time to wake, my little rays of sunshine," Jessica's mom cried out a bit too cheerfully on such a typical gloomy Forks day. "I have donuts too!" She flashed the box in front of us and placed it on the coffee table before retreating back to the kitchen.

Jessica's mom seemed to be unfazed by the mess we had made in her family room. As I noticed Lauren's bra slung over the television, I thought Charlie's head would explode if I ever asked him to host a sleepover. He probably would not know what to do with so much estrogen in one room. I slowly eased myself out of the sleeping bag. I realized that Angela had already left, so she would not miss going to church with her family. I felt a bit stiff as I sat up in my sleeping bag, my thoughts on the day ahead for once and not on my past. I knew I would have to go into Newton's at around noon – it would be a nice distraction.

After downing a few glazed donuts, Jessica helped me make sure I could recreate the look Luis had given me. Glancing at the clock, I realized I was going to be late for work if I did not get moving.

Jessica and Lauren dropped me off in front of Charlie's house. "Thank you both for yesterday. I really enjoyed spending time with you guys," I said with a newly discovered amount of respect for both of them, especially Lauren. As I closed the passenger door I yelled back at them, "Let's do this again real soon." I really did mean it. My heart still hurt, but they were a great distraction. Maybe "my kind" could be easily distracted too.

**A/N: The Avril Lavigne song Lauren is referring to: My Happy Ending. My husband and I joke that this is the "take my virginity and run" song for that artist. Also do not make fun of my crappy taste in songs for this chapter. Edward had great taste in music so all Bella has to cling to is crap.**


	4. Chapter 4: Under Pressure

**Chapter 4: Chapter 4: Under Pressure**

**A/N: SM owns all things Twilight. I just play. This chapter is quite realistic. One thing that bugged me about the Twilight books, especially NM and Eclipse are how SM downplayed on the whole college application process. It has been years since I went through it, but this process is more competitive now more than ever and SM totally ignores the high stress seniors endure. Not here. Huge thanks to Isabel Grace and Project Team Beta.**

**Bella POV**

Days started to run into one another as I fell more and more into a new routine: school, work, dinner, homework, shower and repeat. After the sleepover, I started to wean myself off of my sleeping pills, first by taking only half a pill each night and then not needing them at all.

There were changes from within since they had left; the person I was before was slipping away. I didn't care about that girl anymore. I was building walls around my heart. Though almost everything reminded me of him, I learned to push those feelings down inside and think of nothing. It helped the pain my heart dissipate.

The big physical change – my hair, for once actually required a bit more time in the morning. I didn't mind too much.

My free time was mostly spent with Jessica and Lauren. For the first time in my life, I had a solid group of friends. They really weren't the mean girls I had once thought. Angela joined us a lot too, but she had to balance spending time with Ben, as well.

School was very easy and I was actually doing well in all of my classes, even Calculus with Mr. Varner. For some reason, derivatives suddenly clicked for me. I was trying to pull out straight A's this year. Of course, I would have to work the hardest for it in Mr. Varner's class.

In early October, Mrs. Bold, Forks High School's one and only guidance counselor, gave a presentation on college applications for all graduating seniors and their parents. To be honest, I had never given college much thought. In Phoenix I had always thought I would just go to a local college in order to continue to help Renee out. Since moving to Forks, and meeting him, I always thought I would be changed before I had a chance to go. _Guess my plans are changing_.

Mrs. Bold gave our parent and introduction to the college admission process and to them that applying for college was harder now than it ever had been before. She reminded all of us to register for the SATs or ACTs, explaining that most schools out west were fine with accepting ACT scores, but if we were planning to go back east, we should consider taking the SATs and even the SAT II subject tests.

She then spoke about the various deadlines we would need to be mindful of – early acceptance, regular acceptance and April 15, when most schools would want to know whether or not we would be attending. She also spoke about making sure we asked our teachers as soon as possible to write recommendations, so that they were not bogged down over the Christmas holidays. The other thing she mentioned that startled me was to be sure we had well-rounded extracurricular activities.

I was involved in a few clubs back in Phoenix, but since moving to Forks last year all I did was work at Newton's and fall in love with a vampire. I could not put that down on my applications. Sports were undoubtedly out of the question. I considered working on the school paper or maybe the yearbook. They seemed safe and I did like to write. Perhaps I could edit other people's work. I pushed that idea to the back of my mind when Charlie turned to me.

"Bella," he whispered. "I just want to see you happy again. Apply to any school that you want. Do not worry about cost. Your mother and I will find a way to make it work. We just want to see you find a place that is the right fit for you."

"Dad, I don't want you getting into debt over my education."

"The mortgage to the house has is almost paid off, Bella. Educational loans are the easiest ones to secure. I heard Suze Orman talk about it on her show okay? We'll make it work. Got it? You, happy – that's what matters."

I nodded my head. Charlie never ceased to amaze me. He would do anything for my happiness. Renee had been talking about University of Florida lately, but the sun had stopped appealing to me. Maybe I would go somewhere with true seasons, that may be a nice change – a place with less rain, a definitive fall, winter, spring and summer. Maybe I would stay close to be near Charlie. First though, I needed to take the SATs.

It was set - first study and take the SATs,join yearbook club, figure out where I wanted to go to school, apply, and oh yeah, get in. Mrs. Bold said there were a few slots left for the October SATs this coming Saturday. Saturday, not a lot of time but if I studied after school and at lunch I could do it. I wondered if Mrs. Newton could give me the week off. Things were a bit slow.

The week passed by very slowly. Luckily, Mrs. Newton was very accommodating and gave me the full week off. Apparently reports of bears or something in the woods had scared a lot of hikers and nature enthusiasts away. My nights were spent finishing homework and studying for the SATs. I relocated back to my room as Charlie was fully engrossed in the playoffs for baseball every night. Turns out, I was great at the verbal sections and so-so on the math sections. I was working on some practice verbal problems when I came to a word I was not sure of. My computer was already on, so I searched for it on Google.

Before my brain comprehended what my fingers were doing, his name was typed into the search bar. I stared down at the results. There were pages of results but most of them referred to some professor at the University of Texas who had written history books. Several listings in the white pages for various people with the same name, but most of them lived in sunny places. Nothing for Alaska or anywhere else I thought they would go.

_Focus. Focus. Focus. Push thoughts back down_. I performed a mental exercise of trying to forget him and slowly but surely, a few minutes later my thoughts of him were deep down inside, away from my heart. I closed out the browser window, shut down the computer and went to the bookshelf to pull out the dictionary, chastising myself for not doing so in the first place.

On Thursday night, the girls came over for a major study session. Angela had taken the SATs at the end of last year, but she was taking them again. Like me, Jess and Lauren were taking them for the first time too.

"We should do something to celebrate on Saturday night," Jessica declared as she threw down her pencil onto her study guide with a loud huff.

"Well, Brian, my friend from Port Angeles, did text me the other day about some big party up there Saturday night. He was sort of pissed we blew off his friend's party last weekend, but when I talked to him I explained we needed something a bit more… mellow. He told me that everyone who's anyone at Port Angeles High should be there Saturday night. It's invitation only and he wanted to extend a special invitation to us. You know my hot posse of girls!" Lauren exclaimed with a devious smile on her face.

"Bella, do you party at all?" Jessica asked in an inquisitive tone, but not in a way to make me feel like I should automatically say yes.

"I never have before. I mean, with Charlie being chief of police, the whole underage-drinking thing is pretty much out there. I can't exactly come home reeking of alcohol"

Angela spoke up very softly, "I don't drink, well at least not on Saturday nights, not with church on Sunday, so I'll be DD for the night. Besides, Ben mentioned something about an X-Box tournament Mike wanted to have after the SATs."

Jessica made an L shape with her forefinger and thumb and held it to her forehead while she mumbled, "Loser."

"Then it's settled, after the SATs, we'll take naps, get rested, then Angela will drive us up to Port Angeles, we party, then we'll sleepover at my house. I have no curfew, so if your dad thinks you are staying at my house, then you have no curfew either," Lauren explained.

After days of studying analogies for the SATs, her logic seemed to make sense. Charlie wouldn't need to know I was out late. He just needed to know I was at Lauren's for the night. I felt a pang of guilt for being so deceitful.

"What's the worst that can happen? Oh yeah, it happened. Besides I am 18 now. One can't really ground an 18-year-old."

After mulling it over for a few more seconds, I shrugged and said, "That works."

We went back to studying. About an hour later, Charlie, who had been warned about the company occupying the kitchen table, came home from work armed with boxes of pizzas. We all looked up at him with eyes filled with hunger, he grabbed plates out of the cabinet, set them next to the food.

"Ladies, glad to see you are all studying so hard. Thought you may need some brain food. Uhhh… Bella? I am going to go watch the game over at Billy's house. It's game two of the divisional."

I had no idea what that meant but I knew it was related to the baseball playoffs. "Thanks dad. Say hi to him for me, oh, and Jacob too."

All my free time on Friday was spent focusing on just the SATs. I made sure to get to sleep early on Friday night. I considered cold medicine, but the memory of the last time I had done that bubbled up. Using my little mental exercise I pushed the thoughts of him back down deep, took a deep breath and tried to go to sleep. My sleeping pills would make me too groggy, so I was left to my own devices. _Must clear head of all thoughts of him, of them._

The next morning, I headed to the Forks High School cafeteria that was serving as the testing facility for the SATs. After showing my ID at the door, I took my number two pencils, a calculator and began looking for a seat. I soon saw the girls, but I also saw a few guys and a girl who must be from the reservation. They looked very similar to Jacob and somewhat familiar.

When I walked past them I could have sworn one of them whispered, "Vampire girl." I shook my head and tried not to think about it. Maybe it was just my imagination.

I sat down at a seat near Lauren and waited for the test to start.

"I think my brain's going to explode!" Jessica screamed as soon as we were out of the cafeteria.

"Well, you have the rest of the day to rest up before we get our party on, bitches," Lauren replied back as she bobbed her head and lifting her right arm into the sign of the horns hand signal. "So," she continued "let's meet up at my place at 7. Come showered but we can get dressed at my place. Bella, do you need to borrow anything?"

_How did she know?_

I did a mental inventory of my closet, I could probably wear a few newly acquired tops from them, but I did not feel right about it.

"Yeah, I probably need something a bit more fun than normal school clothes, right?"

"Not a problem. I have a really cute top you can wear. Just bring over your skinny jeans and some heels," Lauren replied.

Skinny jeans, those were the ones that were tight around my ankles, right? Jeans were the least of my worries. "Heels? Have you seen me walk in sneakers?"

She sighed, "You can borrow those too! I know how well uh, coordinated you are so a pair of kitten heels should be safe enough for you. Me-ow!" she yelped like a cat with her hand in a paw motion.

We all laughed. Though I still had no idea what kitten heels were, I didn't want to say anything. Guess Lauren would just have to surprise me. After finalizing plans, I headed back to my truck and drove home for a well-deserved nap.

I walked into an empty house and a note from Charlie.

_Bella,_

_Hope the test went well. Went out fishing with Harry and Billy. Have fun at Lauren's tonight._

_Dad_

The stress of the test catching up with me, I spent the day napping, but thankfully set my alarm.

I awoke before the alarm even went off. I grabbed my toiletry bag, and headed to the bathroom for a nice, long, hot shower. Afterward, I dried my hair and styled my new haircut. As I dressed, I threw on my skinny jeans which the pixie had gotten for me, a white tank top, and I threw a green hoodie on top of that since it was a bit cool out and laced up my sneakers.

Once back in my room, I packed up my overnight bag and sleeping bag before heading out to Laurens.

**Laurens POV**

Tonight was going to be awesome. I really needed to let out some steam and this party was just the thing to do the trick. I got dressed and ready before everyone else got here. Jessica would be fine on her own, but I would need to work a little magic on Angela and I would have to do full on glam squad for Bella. That girl really was so clueless on being a teenage girl. Normally I would find it annoying, but she was so wounded that it was sort of endearing.

Without fail, Bella was the last to arrive;I heard her truck pull in. The entire state of Washington heard her truck. I think even Vancouver heard her truck. I had placed several possible tops on my bed for Bella. I was wearing a short denim mini skirt, a tight black t-shirt and Ugg boots. I looked hot – much hotter than Jessica, who was in jeans and Angela who was in a frill skirt. Jessica was working on Angela's make up when the doorbell rang.

"We'll be sleeping in my room tonight. I have plenty of room," I explained as I opened the door and gave Bella a quick house tour.

Bella nodded and followed me in._Sometimes I think her inner monologue is out of control. I know she is fighting with her feelings for Edward. I see it. I get it. Hopefully she'll not be one of those drunken girls who cries in a corner at parties._

"Bella, take a look at the tops on the bed. I also set out some shoes for you."

She went over and picked up a longer style type black tank top that had a beaded design on it.

"Is this okay?" she asked.

Jessica snapped her head around to take a look. "That would be perfect. A little bad ass to go with your new haircut," she replied.

Bella changed quickly and tried on the shoes. They were just the run of the mill pointy toe shoes with just a quarter-inch heel. Under jeans they gave the illusion of being taller than they actually were. I rarely wore them; maybe I would just give them to her.

"Okay, make-up time!" I exclaimed.

"Give her a smoky eye and a nude lip," Jessica suggested.

I thought about Jessica's suggestion. It was not a bad idea, but if Bella shed any tears she would look like a raccoon. She'd definitely shed tears. Instead, I decided to play up her lips. Maybe that would get her kissed.

Brian said he has a lot of cute single friends from the Port Angeles lacrosse team coming to the party.

"Good idea. Bella, with make-up you play up one feature. So if we gave you really heavy smoky eyes, then we'd give you pale lips and if we gave you bright red lips then we'd do light make-up on the eyes. Tonight though, let's do the bright red lipstick. The guys will dig your DSL!"

"DSL?"

"Oh Bella, really? Dick sucking lips, you know when you have very full lips that are good for giving head,"_I_replied._Oh goodness she looked shocked. Didn't she and Edward have sex? I'm__quite__sure to bag Edward Cullen she would have to have been giving up the goods. She seems incredibly innocent._

I finished up her make-up and inspected my work. _Gee, Lauren not bad. Not bad at all._

"Okay ladies, final inspection," I barked. I hate being a bitch but I needed some play tonight and I didn't want Brian to think my friends were a bunch of uglies.

I examined all of us in the mirror. We were young and we were hot. The world was ours.

"Damn ladies! Let's go get our freak on."

Angela drove and was relatively quiet. She had gone to several parties with us before. Jessica and I gave Bella the rules of the game on the way.

"First, do not drink a lot. Especially if it's your first time really drinking. So nurse a beer or two or three max. Also, get the beer yourself. Guys can be sketchy, you never know with like roofies and shit. Before you go anywhere, find Angela. As our DD, she'll be watching out for us. Just let loose."

"DD? Roofies?", Bella asked.

"Designated driver, just because we are drinking underage does not mean we're not smart about it. Roofies are the date rape drug. If you put your drink down, get a new one. Never leave it unattended!"

"Oh," Jess added. "And don't forget to have fun."

I instructed Angela where to turn, as we pulled up to a brightly lit contemporary house a few blocks from town. Cars were lined up down the street but we quickly found a spot. As we were walking toward the house, Jessica was going on and on about how lame Newton was and how tonight she was going to find some hot piece of ass. I was horny and needed to get something tonight, but really I wanted I was more curious to see how Bella would do. We got to the door (I was leading the group in of course). I turned toward them.

"Ready or not, here we come."

_**A/N: Timeline. 2005 MLB Divisional finals were the week of October 8. On October 6, 2005 played San Diego the SATs were given on October 8, 2005. Yes I checked. Also no flaming Lauren for the Uggs/skirt combo**____**she**____**thinks**____**she**____**looks hot. Any external references mentioned in my**___**1stories are checked to make sure the dates worked.**


	5. Chapter 5: Return of the Mack

**Chapter 5: Chapter 5: Return of the Mack**

_So I'm back up in the game  
Running things to keep my swing  
Letting all the people know  
That I'm back to run the show  
'Cos what you did, you know, was wrong  
And all the nasty things you've done  
So, baby, listen carefully  
While I sing my come-back song_

_(You lied to me) 'cos she said she'd never turn on me  
(You lied to me) but you did, but you do  
(You lied to me) all these pains you said I'd never feel  
(You lied to me) but I do, but I do, do, do_

_(Return of the Mack) here it is  
(Return of the Mack) hold on  
(Return of the Mack) don't you know  
(You know that I'll be back) here I go  
(Return of the Mack) oh little girl  
(Return of the Mack) wants my pearl  
(Return of the Mack) up and down  
(You know that I'll be back) round and round_

_-Mark Morrision_

**A/N: SM owns all things Twilight. I just play. This chapter is in memory of a friend I lost a long time ago, who was the most amazing person ever. Thanks go out to Isabel Grace, Project Team Beta, and SassyGeminiMom. Yes, I did just use Return of the Mack as the musical inspiration for this chapter. It's totally old schol. FYI:**

**NERTS = Nipple Erection Right Through Shirt.**

**AP = Advanced Placement, college level courses offered to high school students. If you score high enough on an AP exam, you can often get credit at college/university.**

**Warning: Teen drinking and a little lemony goodness. You have been warned.**

**Lauren POV**

We made an entrance to the party. Brian was so glad to see us. Apparently for some odd reason, perhaps it is the water from the sound, there are more guys at Port Angeles High School than girls. I swear the school is a freaking sausage fest, a hot sausage fest. Now, I love Brian like a friend and we've made out a few times, but really I had my sights set tonight on someone else, the newly single captain of the lacrosse team, Chip.

"Can I get you ladies some Vitamin R?" asked Brian.

"Yes, please where's the keg?" Jessica replied looking a little overwhelmed.

She was still getting used to being single again after Mike. I really can not stand that kid. He is just such a total tool, a panty-wearing tool. It's a good thing Bella became friends with us because he already tried to ask her out. Luckily, she explained to him about girl code and dating her friends' ex would completely violate that. The poor thing does have to work with the douche but at least now he isn't trying to attack her with his peen.

We walked toward the kitchen, which was in the back of the house. I grabbed three red plastic cups and began filling them up and passing them around. Angela found bottled water in the fridge and was helping herself. Some may think she's a bit lame, but after all of these years, she really is just too sweet. Jessica grabbed the beer from my hand, as I began filling up one for Bella.

"Gee, Jess thirsty much? Looking for some liquid confidence?"

Once we all had drinks in our hands, I quoted one of my all-time favorite movies, _Clueless._

"Let's do a lap before we commit to a location."

The girls nodded in agreement and followed me as we began exploring and checking out the goods. We did a lap around the house. We ran into some people Jessica and I knew and a few people Angela knew. We made sure to introduce Bella so she'd get to know everyone. I made note of who we would have to gossip about later.

In the living room we ran into Port Angeles' golden girl, president of practically every club at the high school, Sarah Biggs. She was just amazing and yet she was so tiny she made Alice Cullen look like a giant.

Sarah greeted us, "Sup biatches. Jessica, you look great. Did you lose like 180 pounds of deadweight?"

Jessica laughed knowing Sarah was referring to Mike and not her actual body.

"Sarah, I want you to meet the newest member of my little..." I searched for the right word. "Group. This is Bella Swan. Bella, this is the girl whose parents think she can do no wrong, and everyone else knows can do no right, Sarah Biggs the coolest girl at Port Angeles High School."

Sarah laughed "Hi Bella, nice to meet you, but rest assured there're like fifteen girls at Port Angeles. It's not hard to be the coolest. I think a bunch of the lacrosse guys are on the back deck. Including a newly single Chip," she said letting the "p" in Chip pop off her lips. She then flashed me a devious smile and winked.

"This girl really is the coolest."

Out on the back deck we saw that is where most of the lacrosse boys were hanging out. I immediately caught Chip checking all of us out. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. I smiled back. Realizing it was a bit colder up here, than in Forks, I looked down and checked out my breasts.

_Awesome! I have total NERTS._

I looked back at Chip, who seemed to notice as well. This is totally awesome. I also began noticing the other guys he was with. I knew their names and faces but did not know them all that well. There was Jason, Xavier, Christian, Keith, Adam, Aaron and Kevin all total lacrosse studs. Chip was definitely my pick tonight. He was perfect and on the rebound as I perpetually was and so there would be no strings attached. _Now which one for Bella?_ It seemed Jessica was already eyeing Christian. Angela recognized Xavier from a mission trip she took over the summer with her church and was chatting it up with him.

Jessica, with her liquid confidence in hand, strolled up to Christian and began making small talk. I scanned over the remaining guys. Hmm, which one for Bella? I think Jason might be good. He's quieter and according to what I know from Brian, he's definitely a bit brainier than the rest of the team.

"Hey Jason, come here," I called out with a finger motioning him over to us.

With wavy dark hair and bright blue eyes, he comes sauntering over to us. He looked at me with a smile for a quick second, but then his eyes snapped back to Bella and remained on her.

"Bella," I started. "This is Jason. He plays on the lacrosse team at Port Angeles and according to my sources he's a bit more literate than the rest of his teammates. Jason, this is Bella..." I said motioning over to Bella.

He extended his hand and she reluctantly shook it, staring up at him with that doe eyed look.

_She is really going to have to teach me that look. It's really good._

"Bella has recently become one of my besties. She's incredibly smart and loves to read."

Jason, whose eyes do not leave Bella's, smiled, "It's a pleasure to meet you."

_Come on Bella say something witty back._

"Ja-Jason," she stuttered, "Nice to meet you too."

_Flutter. Flutter Flutter. Doe-eye. Doe-eye. Damn she's good._

I looked over to Chip, who smileed back at me. "Oh look at that, I think Chip wants to talk to me," I said trying to gracefully let them be alone.

**Bella POV**

What the hell was I doing at a party? I should be home alone in my room, wallowing in self pity, and feeling empty. Well I felt empty, but I had friends around who were not going to let me wallow. As we did our round and met a few people, I was already compartmentalizing my pain, burying it deep inside for the night. I was doing far better with friends than I was doing alone. So maybe there was something to the over/under philosophy that Lauren had spoken of at the slumber party.

_I can do this. I can do this._

When Lauren introduced me to Jason, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was very good looking. He was nothing like him, but all the same very attractive. I think Renee would have called him a hunk. After Lauren ducked out on me leaving me to talk to this guy, Jason walked me inside since the music was making it hard for us to hear each other. Before walking off, Angela stealthily asked where we were going. I knew she was trying to keep tabs on me. As we walked back into the house, I tripped on the doorframe. I caught myself and looked around.

_Good, no one saw me._

"Need a refill?" he asked.

"Sure."

We made a quick stop by the keg for a refill of Vitamin R, which I quickly began to down.

"Slow down thirsty girl," Jason said as he took my cup and refilled it again.

Jason led me to the living room, which had been closed off for the party. As I attempted to get comfortable on the sofa, I looked down at my now full cup of Vitamin R. I was definitely not drunk yet but I did have a buzz. Okay maybe a little drunk. It was sort of settling my nerves or numbing me. Taste-wise, the stuff was not bad, but definitely not good. I can't believe Charlie downs this stuff so much. It must be a guy thing.

"They call this room the gallery," Jason said as he gestured to the paintings on multiple walls that were illuminated by overhanging lights, similar to what is found in an art gallery. "The Lichtenstein and that Morris Louis painting are pretty cool, but some of these others, I think a child could do. I mean that one," he said gesturing to a painting with different colors dripping. "Makes great use of color, but in all honesty, I prefer more classical pieces to modern art."

"You know about art?"

"I took Advance Placement Art History last year, got a 5 on the AP exam, and since then it's fascinated me a bit. Are you taking any AP classes this year?"

Wow that was a surprise.

"Uhh…I took AP Biology before I moved here last year. Forks doesn't offer any AP classes. It makes my course load a lot lighter."

"So, Bella, word on the street is you like to read. What are you currently reading?"

"In school we are doing the annual unit on poetry. It's okay but I prefer novels. I love the classics like Jane Austen and Bronte sisters. Do you like to read?"

"Yeah, but not poetry or the classics. I am more into New York Times best sellers James Patterson, John Grisham, Stephen King, Dean Koontz. Though, I do read a lot of J.R.R Tolkein. As far as poetry goes, Theodore Geisel and Shel Silverstein would probably be my favorites."

"Dr. Seuss?"

"He's a classic!"

Jason was so different from him. Not a bad different. He was just different. We talked for a while or at least felt like it was. Jason was a very nice guy and not at all creepy or overly touchy. He was just a really nice, intelligent guy, who happened to play sports. He was looking to go to UW and play lacrosse.

My nerves were settling down, though the beer was probably helping with that. I took another sip of my beer after which I leaned my head back on the couch and closed my eyes. I tried not to think of anything. Out of habit, I bit my bottom lip. When I reopened them, Jason's arm was around my shoulders. He turned his body so that we were facing one another.

"Bella, you're really sweet. You know that?"

"I try."

_Shit he is going to try to kiss me. I'm not ready for this at all._

Just then he did just that. His warm hand caressed my face as his hot wet lips touched mine. It was so different. They were so warm, so soft.. The taste was different too. I could definitley taste the beer on his breath. Jason's tongue started to ply my lips apart and without thinking my traitorous lips complied. His tongue started massaging mine in my mouth. This was new for me.

With my heart beating out of my chest, my fight or flight response kicked in.

"Stop!" I screamed as I pushed myself off him and the sofa. My legs could not carry me fast enough as I ran out of the room, leaving Jason dumbfounded on the couch.

I ran. I stumbled. I had to find something cold. I needed to be cold. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a cup off the counter, then I went to the refrigerator and filled it up with ice. I traced my way back through the house, out the front door and sat on the curb by the car. I took an ice cube and rubbed it on my lips numbing them. They needed to feel the cold. They craved the cold.

As I sat there with my cup of ice, trying to bring back the memories of his lips, I cried. I finally released the tears that had not fallen. I was not going to go back inside. Not tonight.

**Lauren POV**

I noticed Jason leading Bella back in the house. That was a good sign. I turned my attention back to Chip who was talking about playing lacrosse at WSU next year. I loved watching his sparkling hazel eyes as he talked. I so wanted to run my hands through his wavy blond hair and lick the cleft in his chin.

_Focus Lauren!_

We talked for a while. We danced a bit. As we were grinding to the thump of the music, his arousal did not go unnoticed. As he held me closely I could feel his hardness through his 's hands moved to my hips very seductively.

"Want to go someplace more private?" he whispered in my ear.

Without needing to give him an answer, I grabbed his hand and led him back into the house. Once inside, Chip took me upstairs to the bedrooms.

"This one is free."

It must've been a guest bedroom. The room was not large enough to be the master suite but too plain to be a room belonging to a kid. I sat down on the edge of the peach and mauve bedspread and put my cup of beer down by my feet. I laid back on the bed arching my back. Had my hair been long enough, it would have been fanned out on the bed, but it was short now. Chip stood there dumbstruck.

"Ohhhh today was so hard. The SATs were so long," I say exaggerating o's in so that they are held for seconds longer than they should under normal circumstances.

"Want a massage?"

"That'd be amazing."

I sat up as Chip sat down and I turned my body away from his. He started to massage my shoulders and my neck. For once, I was glad I had cut my hair. As his hands moved down my back, his lips softly began to graze the back of my neck. I responded with a moan as his hand began to wander forward toward my breasts. His lips moved up to my neck and then he began sucking on my earlobe. His tongue darted in and out causing my earring to vibrate.

"Oh Chip!"

I slowly spun my body around and our lips met. One of Chip's hands left my breast and moved up to caress my face as we shared a long deep kiss. As we both took a break for air, I moved my legs over his so that I was straddling him. Just like on the dance floor, I could feel his hardness through his jeans, burning my thigh.

_Want to touch the peen._

With my tongue, I began exploring his body. My hands moved under his shirt, and began to caress his chiseled pecs. His nipples became more erect as I circled them with my finger. I licked my way up his neck and began to suck on his ear. His dick twitched against my thigh. My lips worked their way back to his mouth. As we kissed, he thrusted his hips toward mine, and we began to dry hump.

"Off," he grunted as he motioned toward my top.

"You too, " I replied pulling at the bottom of his shirt.

We both took off our shirts. He stared at my black lace bra. Fair is fair. My eyes stared at his sculpted body. _It's official, lacrosse is my favorite sport._

My eyes quickly made their way down his abs to the defined V directing me toward my target. As he reached out to feel the lace of my bra, my gaze led to his crotch. He began rubbing my nipples with the tips of his fingers. They were now achingly hard. I licked my lips, as seductively as I could as I inched off the bed and onto my knees. As I moved down, I pulled his legs to the edge so that my head was placed in between his legs. As I made my way down to the floor, I unbuttoned his pants, unzipped them, and pulled down jeans. As I kneeled on the floor, I reached up into his boxer briefs and began rubbing his hardened shaft. He let out a long moan.

"Lauren, you're a godess."

_Fuck yeah!_

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

_Ohhhh my ass was buzzing. That felt good_. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

"Crap, that's my phone." I took out my new RAZR from my back pocket of my denim skirt. I looked at the screen. Angela. Shit.

"Hey Angela, it better be an emergency. She's not in the living room? Did you ask Jason? Okay, okay I'll be down in like a second," I said as I slammed the phone shut and tucked it back in my pocket.

_Shit. Fuck. God damn it Bella. Cock-blocking bitch._

"Chip? I gotta go. It's my friend. She's missing."

"Go. I'll take care of this myself."

"Rain check?"

"Next weekend?"

"Name the place. I'll be there with bells on. Or tassels?"

"Go."

I left the room and headed downstairs. Both Jessica and Angela were waiting by the steps.

A flusterd looking Angela was the first to open her mouth, "Jason said she was upset and ran away from him about thirty minutes ago. We checked the house and the deck. She's not here."

"Did you check the car?"

"Shit, let's go do that," cried Jessica.

"If she's out there let's just go back to Forks. After certain hours lacrosse boys turn from princes into drunken toads anyways."

The three of us scurried back to the car where we found Bella crouched down on the curb holding a cup of melting ice cubes. The tears were still rolling down her face.

"Bella what happened?" asked Angela.

"_He's, He's, He's_ really gone? Life is never going to be the same again. He said he never loved me that it was all lies. He left."

_Oh God, she was the crying drunk girl I had feared._

"So Jason didn 't hurt you? What happened with him?" asked Jessica.

Quietly as tears continued to stream down, Bella said, "He was great. Jason's a really great guy. He's smart, funny, good-looking, and practically perfect. We were having a great time and then he kissed me. It was different but felt good and I sort of just freaked. I came out here for some fresh air and to be alone. I didn't want to spoil your evening. How did things go with Chip? With Christian?"

_She is so selfless. Even though she's breaking down right now and finally realizing her relationship is really over she is thinking about everyone else._

"Christian is so awesome. I gave him my digits and I think we may meet up for coffee later this week," Jessica said with a hiccup. It came naturally to Jessica to only think of herself, though she was pretty drunk.

"Bella," I start, putting my arm on her back and lightly rubbing it, "it's okay that you freaked out. Don't worry about us. These guys love us. We worry about you. Come on ladies, we should go home. I think we've had enough party for one night."

The girls agreed. It's not that they were lemmings and followed every directive I gave, it's just that I was persuasive and even with a few beers, I was a pretty level headed thinker.

_Way to be humble, Lauren._

On the drive home, we talked about the night. Christian may have gotten Jessica's digits, but it looked like she got a nice big ol' hickey from him! Angela spent the night talking mostly to Xavier and Sarah. I told them a little bit about my rendezvous with Chip upstairs. Not everything. A lady never talks.

We pulled into my driveway after 2am. Jessica was practically dead on her feet, so Angela and I helped her up the steps to my room. Bella trailed us. She had stopped crying after we had left Port Angeles. She was going to be okay. She was healing slowly but surely, one random kiss at a time.

A/N: **So there it is, Bella was THAT girl. I am going to go hide now. Let me know what you think.**


	6. Chapter 6: Splendor in the Grass

**A/N: SM owns all twilight. Mindy McCready sings the lyrics posted below. All rights to all properties belong to the respective owners. I apologize for the angst. Also rent Splendor in the Grass, its cheesy but good. Plus Warren Beatty is hot in it. 1960's hot.** My 12th grade English teacher did have us watch this movie and so instead of a song this movie and poem were my inspiration for this chapter.

Thanks go out to Isabel Grace, my PTB Betas, Sarah and Poo235,

**Chapter 6: Splendor in the Grass**

_**What though the radiance which was once so bright  
Be now for ever taken from my sight,  
Though nothing can bring back the hour  
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;  
We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind...  
- William Wordsworth**_

**Bella POV**

I awoke to the sound of someone trying to start up my truck; only the sound was much closer. I sat up in my sleeping bag next to Lauren's full size bed fully alert.

"Oh my goodness, someone is trying to steal my truck!"

I looked up to the bed, where Lauren was already awake with a stack of magazines next to her. She was reading Cosmopolitan.

"Shh… No, Bella that's just Jessica sleeping!"

"Oh," I said, relieved that my truck was safe, but a bit taken aback that such a loud noise could come from Jessica. It was pretty funny.

As I put my head back down on my pillow, I realized my head was throbbing. The events of last night slowly came back to me. The list of things that Bella Swan, good girl, would never do began to build: lying to Charlie about my whereabouts – check, underage drinking – check, kissing a boy I had just met – check. What was I doing? Who was this girl? I felt so torn. On one hand, when I did not think about him, I could have fun, but as soon as _He _entered into my thought process, I was desperately missing him.

It was not like I did not have fun last night. I did; I just missed him. I felt like by kissing Jason, I was betraying the love that I had for him_._ It was like an angel and a devil sitting on each of my shoulders having a conversation. The devil wanted me to be the bad girl and be like Lauren and Jessica.

_Shut up Bella. He left you. He betrayed the love you thought the two of you had together. He betrayed everything. He betrayed you. Why should you feel bad about kissing a really nice guy back?_

The other side, the angel, knew I still loved him and did not want to see me be so reckless.

_Bella, you are rushing things. This is not you. You are not this deceitful person. You are not reckless._

The word reckless triggered a memory that suddenly came back to me. It was only a few weeks ago that _He_ had taken me for a walk in the woods and suddenly I remembered some of his last words to me.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid."

_Reckless? Reckless? You should talk reckless. Look at me. Look at what I've become. I have lost the person I was. I don't know who I am anymore. I follow a group of girls that use guys to make themselves feel better and there may actually be something to their methods. They're happy._

As I thought about how _He _ended things, it seemed so reckless to me. It was not a clean break, for if his break-up was a broken limb, it would take eons to even begin to heal. In its place would be a twisted limb. _Clean break, my ass._ Goodness, I was only making my headache worse.

Before I could get deeper into thought, Lauren looked down at me as she thumbed through her magazine.

"Bella, want to come up on the bed and join me? Let's chat about last night." She patted the spot next to her. Lauren's room was extremely feminine. Her bedroom furniture was white wood, and she had a pink canopy on her bed to match her pink bedding. It was like a bottle of Pepto Bismal had exploded.

"Okay. I guess. Wait, where's Angela?"

"Church."

That was right. Angela, despite the late night, still managed to leave on time for Sunday morning church. I eased out of my sleeping bag; every bone in my body ached, even parts I never knew could hurt.

"How's the hangover?" Lauren asked as I sat cross-legged at the foot of her bed.

"Awful. The hangover's only half of it. I'm so embarrassed about last night."

"You mean the kiss-and-run with Jason?"

"I'm so mortified by that, and coming from me, that's saying a lot," I replied back as my cheeks began to flush.

"Really, Bella, don't worry about it. I'll talk to Brian. Brian will talk to Jason. It'll all be cool. Why? Do you like him?"

I didn't know how to answer that.

"I'm conflicted." Guilty feelings aside, I did like talking to Jason. He was a nice guy, but I was not sure if I was ready for another relationship. I had given him my heart that it did not feel right to put it out there for others.

"So how was he? I haven't talked with him, but I do know he is a pretty nice guy. Is he a good kisser?"

"Well, it was nice. I'm just not ready."

The snoring coming from the floor by the other side of Lauren's bed stopped and Jessica slowly groaned into an awakened, though highly hungover, state.

"Ifeelliketotalanduddershit, but I think I'm in like not love yet but total like," she said very quickly so that her words were jumbled together.

We all laughed then . Jessica could be such a goofball when she was not trying to impress a boy.

After slowly recovering, the three of us headed downstairs to the Mallory's kitchen for breakfast. Mrs. Mallory made us chocolate chip waffles with whipped cream on top. It was just what I needed to ease my queasy stomach.

Soon after breakfast, I headed home and was glad to find that Charlie was not at home. I went straight upstairs and showered and brushed my teeth about three times. I did not want Charlie to have any inkling that I had been drinking last night. The guilt I felt for lying, for kissing Jason, for having a good time weighed heavily on me. After I was nice and clean, I did some laundry. Being useful around the house made me feel I was making it up to Charlie for lying, but the monotonous activity only made me think more and more about the time spent on the couch with Jason. In order to distract myself, I went to work on some homework. Mr. Berty had assigned a few poems by William Wordsworth.

Charlie came home later on and I made dinner for the two of us.

"How was Lauren's house?"

"Fine."

"Good."

He did not push further. I was relieved.

**Lauren POV**

I'm not a slut. When guys are with multiple girls they are studs; however, when girls act like guys they're sluts, but I'm not a slut. I just try to get mine. No feelings, no relationships, no expectations, no hurt feelings. Just getting what you need.

Bella's state of mind reminded me of my own after Jeff threw me away. I worked very hard to stay out of that dark place. The lacrosse boys were a definite distraction. They were not the only distraction I had cooked up. I knew Bella had friends in La Push, and those guys were hot as were some of the guys at Sequium High School.

Since meeting the guys from Port Angeles last summer, I had hooked up with a few of them, even Christian. I didn't mind that Jessica was head over heels for him. He got what he needed, I got what I needed, and that was that. It was not like I had feelings for the guy.

After Jeff had deflowered me, rounding the bases and going all the way home was a little easier. I think after you do it once, it is like riding a bike: the next time you get on a new bike you already know how to peddle. I didn't have sex with all of the guys I hooked up with. With some there was just heavy petting and with others there was more than that.

With Bella, she had already had sex with Edward, so I figured it would be easier for her to be physical with guys. Her freak out with Jason didn't surprise me. It was her first time with someone besides Edward. It _should_ feel different. I understood she was conflicted, but, I mean, how much different can guys be? Sure, Edward Cullen was incredibly gorgeous, but Jason was not bad either. A guy's a guy.

Thinking about the Cullens, it made sense for them to be in LA. Dr. Cullen and his wife could be closer to the endless stockpiles of Botox that is kept in that city. Sure, the whole family was good looking, but Dr. Cullen and his wife had to be injecting the Botox; their skin was flawless for people in their thirties. Their adopted beautiful children would probably be normal in a city of beautiful people. At least that was the way it seemed from the gossip magazines I read with Nana Mallory. It did seem odd that he would just dump her without reason, but who was I to try to explain love? Lust I could write essays on, but true love baffled me. Yup, Jeff had royally fucked me up.

**Bella POV**

That week at school was just like any other normal week. Mike Newton kept hitting on me. Even though I told him everything from "I cannot date coworkers" to "It's against girl code", he never relented. After hearing the stories Jessica told about him, I really did not want anything to do with him in a romantic way. The thought of him prancing around in my underwear kept making me laugh, but I didn't think he should know that I knew his dirty little secret.

As for Jason, I was still conflicted about how I felt about him, so I focused my mind on other things besides guys.

In order to beef up my extracurricular activities for my college applications, I joined the yearbook committee. Since I was a little late to join for the year, I was going to be stuck editing. However, since it was still so early, I was helping the editors pick out themes by going through older yearbooks to get some ideas.

When the idea of going through past yearbooks was first suggested, I could not help but get my hopes up. I kept hoping I would catch a glimpse of them. I looked through last year's yearbook. All of their names were listed on the camera shy list. There was one picture from Mr. Banner's biology class. This must have been before I started at Forks. In the picture was our lab table, but alas _He_ was not there. I think his elbow was on the edge of the shot, but the rest of him was cut out. I could not really be sure. I wanted to find evidence that _He_ was out there, that they were out there. I needed something tangible to cling to. A picture could be that thing. A reminder I could cling to, I could not, however, cling to a picture of an elbow. That just screamed desperation.

The week continued to creep by. Work was increasingly slow as more reports surfaced of giant bears or some type of creature lurking in the woods. I was glad that Lauren and Jessica felt that roughing it meant staying at a Holiday Inn.

On Wednesday Lauren announced that we had been invited up to Port Angles for yet another night of drunken debauchery with the lacrosse boys. Despite my freak out, Jason thought I was amazing and he was upset that he did not get my number. Jessica was excited. Angela backed out since she and Ben had plans to see a movie that night, but she assured me that she would try to talk him into stopping by after the movie let out.

Jessica was droning on and on about Christian and how they were meeting up on Thursday night for coffee up in Port Angeles. What was she going to wear? How should she fix her hair? It was giving me almost as big of a headache as I woke up with on Sunday. Instead, I concentrated on eating my salad until Lauren interrupted her.

"So for Saturday night, does everyone want to sleep back at my place? My parents are going to Seattle to visit Brett. I didn't want to go to UW with them"

I thought for a would be my third weekend not sleeping at home. Charlie surely wouldn't mind, especially since the weather would be nice again for fishing. He would probably be relieved I was not brooding in my room.

"I'm in," I said, "but I'm not drinking. Once was enough for me, besides Charlie's a cop. It just doesn't feel right for me to be breaking the law."

"Oh, good, you can be designated driver," replied Jessica.

I really didn't mind. I had enough internal conflict without alcohol adding more angst.

**************************************************************

Thursday morning brought the same routine to the school day, until English. Mr. Berty announced that as part of the poetry unit we would be watching a movie for the next few days.

"_Splendor in the Grass_," he announced, "is the story of young love through sexual repression, love and heartbreak. Now,once you get over the fact that, yes, your English teacher just said sexual repression, you need to know that the film's title is taken from a line of last weekend's homework assignment, William Wordsworth's poem "Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood". Now, when you watch the movie, take notes on how the poem relates to the movie. Your homework for next week is to write a paper discussing the parallels between the poem and the movie, along with how it's still relevant today."

_He has to be joking right? Hah!_

Mr. Berty started the DVD and the movie began. I tried to concentrate on the movie and not draw parallels to my life.

_Hey that actor is Dick Tracy! Damn, Dick Tracy was hot in 1961!_

The movie told the story of two high school sweethearts, Wilma Dean or Deanie, as she's called, and Bud. Deanie was urged to resist her sexual desires and Bud was urged to fulfill his desires elsewhere. It led to the destruction of their relationship and the unraveling of Deanie's sanity. Her words echoed in my head as the bell rang.

"Spoiled? No, Mom, I'm not spoiled. I'm not spoiled, Mom. I'm a good little, good little, good little girl! I'm fresh and virginal!"

I barely noticed that everyone else had already left the classroom. I was still thinking of those words Deanie had screamed to her mother. How broken she was. I saw so much of myself in Deanie. I sat there in my seat just staring up at the now blank television screen, once again lost in my own thoughts.

"Bella, are you okay?" asked Mr. Berty.

I shook my head.

"Do you want to go to the nurse?"

Without looking up, I said in a trance-like voice, "I'm not feeling well. I'm going to go to the nurse. I need to go home." My stomach was in knots and my heart was hurting.

The nurse, always the pushover, saw that I was paler than usual and sent me home. It was not long until I was in my own bed crying because I was alone, crying for mourning us, and crying for Bud and Deanie. Mr. Berty wanted parallels. I could write a novel. Where to begin? Deep down I knew that if I let it, I too would end up like Deanie in an insane asylum. Bud could not have sex with Deanie because of social norms and not to ruin her reputation. _He_ could not be physical withme because _He_ might hurt me, or worse, kill me.

Was there anything that could have been done to salvage their relationship? What about ours? If only I had not been attacked on my birthday. Would _He_ still have left? Why? Why? Did _He_ really mean all those things he said? If Deanie had let Bud spoil her would they still be together?

Did it even matter anymore?_ He_ would never be with me again. So what did it matter if I went to the dark side and started fooling around with other boys? _He_ would have never acted on it. In our six months or so together as a couple we never even made it to first base. What kind of future had I ever thought we could have? People would eventually think I was some sicko like Mary Kay Letourneau. Would I have been a virgin my whole life?

I was on the same trajectory as Deanie. The lines between the movie and my own heartbreaking love story began to blur in my eyes. I could no longer tell the difference; I did not need a devil or an angel telling me how to rule my feelings. I just had to go with them.

My sobs were deep and they made it hard to breathe. I hurt. I hurt so much and yet I felt so alive. I was going to live my life. I was not going to be like Deanie and end up a shell of a person because being chaste did not work out for her or her love. Even though the movie took place so long ago… So long ago….

Thinking about the time period made me realize that was when_ He_ was coming of age. No wonder _He_ was so careful. Well, besides the fact that _He_ could kill me. Everything was done with such caution, every caress, every kiss, and even every whiff. If I was never going to be like him, then why stay with me? It would have never worked. Maybe I was clinging to the belief _He _would change me one day?

I then thought about the antithesis to Deanie in the movie, Bud's sister. So, why not be like Bud's sister and have a good time? It is not like it is back then in the 1920's anymore. Girls can act on their feelings and their hormones without being completely chastised. Heck, in my new circle of friends, acting like this seemed to be the norm. Lauren had been hurt and she took her revenge out on men. I could do the same. Love 'em and leave 'em. It sounded like a country song that Renee used to sing along to when I was growing up. The lyrics suddenly seemed so relevant to me.

_A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do_  
_And now I've gotta get to getting' over you_  
_Too bad I gotta do it with someone new_  
_But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do_

Fighting my sexual urges with him had been hard. Maybe I would just stop fighting them and just be a stupid teenage girl thinking with her hormones and not her head. I had allowed my heart and head to lead my path for far too long. It was time to be reckless with my hormones.

I then thought back to my kiss with Jason a few days ago. It was different. It was so easy. It was so quick and messy and reckless. Reckless felt good.

**A/N: Okay, so most of the angst should be done. Next chapter will contain my first big lemon. Please let me know what you think, this is not my favorite chapter so I am interested in your thoughts.**


	7. Chapter 7: Fast Love

**Chapter 7: Chapter 7: Fast Love**

**Chapter 7: Fast Love  
**_**I won't bore you with the details baby  
I don't even want to waste your time  
Let's just say that maybe  
You could help to ease my mind  
Baby, i ain't Mr. Right**_

_**But if you're looking for fastlove  
If that's love in your eyes  
It's more than enough  
Had some had luck  
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind**_

_**What's there to think about baby?**_

_**-George Michael**_

**A/N: SM owns all things Twilight. Thank you to Isabel Grace, Poo235, Sarah and SassyGeminiMom. Oh and yes, I did quote George Michael.**

**Bella POV**

I was looking forward to Saturday night, especially after a full day of work on Saturday at Newton's. It was a slow day and Mrs. Newton gladly sent me home early. I decided to use the time to rest, change, and pack up for yet another wild night with the girls. Lauren kept her word and made sure Jason knew my situation. I hoped it would not deter him from trying to kiss me again. Truth be told, I was horny. I wanted to be kissed. I wanted to be touched. I wanted to feel wanted.

Since my truck did not fit all three of us comfortably, Lauren was picking us up and driving us up to Port Angeles and I would drive her and Jessica back to Forks, to Lauren's house.

I finished putting on my makeup, just as Lauren had showed me, and checked myself in the mirror. My brown eyes looked huge. I cringed when I realized the makeup made me look older.

_Wait, teenage girls are supposed to try to look older._

I smiled at myself and finished getting dressed. I was lacing up my black Converse All Stars when Lauren started laying on the horn.

I ran down the steps, but instead of heading out the door, my path was thwarted by Charlie.

"Dad! What are you doing home?"

"Oh, good to see you too, Bella. I was beginning to forget what you look like. You're never around anymore. Not that I am complaining. I am glad you have friends again. Where are you off to tonight, the Mallorys or the Stanleys?"

"Movies up in Port Angeles then sleepover at Lauren's. I have her cell number next to the phone in the kitchen, though if I had my own you could always reach me."

_Wow! When did I turn into that teenager who asked for things?_

"I'll think about it. Will there be boys there?"

Lauren beeped the horn again.

"Yeah, dad, some guys Lauren and Jessica know from Port Angeles High School. I gotta go. They're waiting for me. We'll be late."

"I have a lot of friends on the force up there. Make sure those guys know that. Have a good time. See you tomorrow."

"Thanks," I said as I walked out the door with my bag and sleepover essentials.

After throwing my bags in the trunk with Jessica's stuff. I opened the door to the backseat since Jessica had claimed shotgun. They were blasting some pop song I had heard several times on the radio. I never really liked pop that much, but lately I was enjoying the lighthearted mindless beats and lyrics.

_But Since U Been Gone_

_I can breathe for the first time_

_I'm so moving on_

_Yeah, yeah_

_Thanks to you_

_Now I get_

_What I want_

_Since U Been Gone_

"What song is this?" .

"Since U Been Gone," replied Jessica who was bopping her head up and down to the beat and tapping her foot that was propped up on the dashboard.

"Oh. So what 's on tap for tonight? Another raging kegger?" I inquired, shocked that I was quickly learning all of this party-girl terminology.

Jessica laughed, "Thats punny. You said tap and keg. Hah!"

Lauren's eyes met mine from the rear view mirror. "Well, we're going to Christian's house to watch some movies and just hang out. Just Chip, Christian, oh, and Jason."

"What movie are we watching?"

"Oh, Bella, it doesn't matter. It never matters. We never watch the movies," replied Jessica with a flighty laugh.

My mind began to reel. It looked like I was getting that second chance with Jason. I guess Lauren and Jessica had arranged this triple date. They were so evil. The thought of seeing Jason again made my stomach tie in knots. I was not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

As Lauren drove and Jessica sang along to the CD, I began picturing myself being kissed by Jason and then I thought of the possibility him touching me tonight. An ache grew deep inside. I had similar aches since last spring, but it could never be fulfilled, not the way I wanted it to be. Back in Phoenix, I never really had any sexual urges. The beast inside was awakened now and wanted to be fed. _He_ could not and would not touch me the way I wanted to be touched. Maybe Jason could do the job.

Before I could get myself too lost in my own thoughts, we arrived at Christian's house. It was almost the same size as _his_ house. We pulled up to the colonial style home, and I took a deep breath of the air. There was slight hint of the smell of water from the sound in the air that night; it smelled a little fishy but fresh, not like the moss and damp smell of Forks. Jessica led the way as we went up the front walk, and knocked on the door. Christian answered wearing a bright colored t-shirt with the words "break dance not hearts" and a pair of jeans.

"Hello ladies. Welcome to my humble abode. Tonight's feature is awesome. _Kill Bill Volume 1_. Please come in. May I take your coats?"

We piled our coats up high onto Christian's awaiting arms. After he put them in another room, he led us down to the basement. It was set up with a sectional leather sofa and a big television screen against the wall. On the floor next to the television was some type of game consul that Jason and Chip were attentively playing with.

"Hey guys, our guests have arrived," Christian announced

They looked up from their video game. Jason's eyes met mine and a smile formed on his lips.

"Give us two minutes," he said to us but his words were directed toward me.

"Here, take a seat," instructed Christian. "Can I get any of you ladies a refreshment? Beer, pop, water? Anyone hungry?"

"I'll take a beer," stated Lauren nonchalantly.

"I'll have whatever you're having," Jessica replied in a flirtatious manner.

"Just a coke for me," I said softly. Lauren and Jessica were much more skilled at flirtation than I was.

"Want some help?" asked Jessica, who winked as she made her offer. Christian nodded.

Christian and Jessica ran back up the steps toward the kitchen as Lauren and I got comfortable on the sofa. When I sat down next to Lauren, she pushed me far away from her. She looked up to Chip, playing video games and raised her eyebrows. I nodded and scooted far enough away from her to allow enough room for Chip to sit down next to her.

"Hey, Chip, we did not just haul our asses for over an hour in the car to watch you and boy-wonder over there play video games all night," Lauren called out as she settled further into the sofa. I bit my lip as Jason turned around and gave me a half smile.

"We are so close to being done. Two minutes. I promise," Chip insisted.

"That better not be your mantra all night," Lauren muttered as she crossed her legs and simultaneously crossed her arms in front of her chest.

We sat there watching Jason and Chip finishing up their football video game for awhile; it was definitely not two minutes. After quite some time, Christian came back down the steps with a few bags of chips and a six pack of beers in his arms. Jessica followed, looking slightly disheveled, with a 2-litre of Coke and some plastics cups. They set them down on the coffee table, and Jessica sat down on the other side of Lauren.

"Lets get this show on the road. Bye, bye, Madden!" exclaimed Christian and he turned off the game system despite the groans coming from Jason and Chip. He then keyed up the DVD player with the movie.

As Christian set up the movie, Jason and Chip looked toward the couch before making their way toward Lauren and me. Chip plopped down next to Lauren and put his arm around her shoulder. She began to cozy up next to him. Jason shuffled in next to me and sat down. Finally, he was acknowledging my existence.

"Was it fun?" I asked.

"Was what fun?" he replied.

"Your video game?"

"Eh," he said as he shrugged his shoulders, "I'm usually not one for games, but the new Madden is pretty addicting, even if John Madden is not in it.."

Not completely understanding what he was talking about, I took a deep breath and rested the back of my head on the couch cushions. The movie began. Jason left his hand in between the two of us making it available for me to hold. As the film turned increasingly violent, I instinctively grabbed it. The amount of blood was making me a little woozy, but I was glad it was a movie and not real life since the smell of the blood would have taken me out completely.

It was not far into the movie that Christian led Jessica upstairs. I realized that Lauren and Chip were already pretty cozy on the other side of the couch with a blanket strewn over them. It wasn't that cold in the basement I did not want to know what they might be covering up since they seemed preoccupied with each other and were not paying attention to the movie.

As the movie became more and more gruesome, Jason shielded me from the violence and I buried my head into his chest. I was so intent on watching the movie that I barely noticed Lauren and Chip walking into another room of the basement leaving Jason and me alone to actually watch the movie.

Eventually the sensation of being so close to another person, a male person distracted me enough and I turned and looked up at his face and he looked down into mine. Suddenly, I found myself in one of those moments where gravity is pulling two people together and kissing seemed inevitable.

He kissed me softly, his lips warm on mine. It took a few moments for my senses to adjust to being kissed by warm lips. It was different, but somehow tonight was easier than last Saturday night. I allowed myself to let go of my thoughts and just get lost in the moment.

As our kissing intensified, I leaned back in the sofa diagonally with Jason following so that he was now slightly on top of me. His hands grazed down my face, my neck, and then finally down to my breasts. I arched my back and pushed myself toward him with this new sensation.

His lips began to move down my neck as his hands moved up my shirt and found my bra. He palmed my breast with one hand as he kept the other on the couch to steady himself. I wrapped my fingers through his dark hair and pulled him closer to me. Heat was radiating from me and I could feel his heat on my leg. This was completely uncharted territory for me and I tried to immerse myself in the moment.

His kissing on my neck intensified as he began to nibble close to my hairline behind my ear. That was going to leave a mark and I didn't care. My nipples were hardening as he explored under my shirt. Not wanting to moan out loud, I nibbled away on his neck and then slowly up to his earlobe. He must have liked that because he twisted his hips toward mine.

Using my instincts, I wrapped my legs around his waist so that our middles were in-line. He continued to thrust away. I could feel his hardened dick pressing through his jeans and into me. I raised my hips to meet his as my own heat radiated through my panties and jeans.

My mind began to wonder about the mass in his jeans. I had never seen one before, not in real life. Sure I had seen pictures of penises in textbooks, but I had never felt one in my hand. The curiosity got the best of me as I moved my hands down and started brushing them against the bulge in his jeans.

Jason let out long moan. Somehow, and I am not sure how, he flipped us over so that I was now on top of him. In the commotion of flipping, my shirt had risen up and my bra was completely exposed. I was relieved that I had worn one with a pretty bow on it. I continued to stroke Jason as he continued to moan in pure ecstasy.

His lips found mine again as our hips continued to meet one another in a rhythmic way. I was never one for dancing but for some reason I could follow this. I moved my hand out of the way as our bodies continued to grind together . His hands met my breasts, which he kneaded like dough. It felt good. I felt wanted.

**Lauren POV**

If there were a quiz on the plot of _Kill Bill_, I would fail. The movie barely started before Chip and I started to make-out. Well, he started it. He started nibbling on my neck and I love that.

I was the one who pulled the fleece blanket from the back of the couch over us. Not because we were cold, but because Bella and Jason were still in the room with us. Jessica and Christian lasted two seconds before they went back upstairs. I bet they were finishing whatever they started in the kitchen.

Once the blanket conveniently concealed our laps, I went to work making up for last Saturday night's abrupt ending. To start, I took my hand and eased it up his thigh, massaging his semi-erect shaft through his stiff jeans. With each touch it got harder and harder. I loved having this kind of power over men.

I unbuttoned his jeans and went straight for the zipper. He was wearing silk boxers. I reached into the hole and grabbed him curling my fingers around his throbbing penis. Under the blanket, I stroked it hard with my right hand. With my left hand, I stuck my fingers in my mouth and then brought them, slightly damp down along his tip. The sensation drove him nuts.

His hands moved toward my jeans. He slowly undid them and moved his fingers down toward the wetness that was pooling in my panties. He slid one finger into the hot wet area that was ready for him. He slid another one inside of me, while his thumb rubbed my clit. _Oh my God!_

We pleasured one another under the cover of the blanket. I quickly glanced over at Bella and Jason. They were both focused on the movie and probably trying to ignore what we were doing or trying not to think about what we were doing.

"Lauren, want to go somewhere a little more private?" Chip whispered into my ear.

I nodded.

Chip got up first and started quickly toward a back room in the basement. Neither of us had rebuttoned and zipped up our pants. I gladly followed him as he led me to a musty-smelling room with a full size bed, dresser and lamp. The furnishings were a bit sparse, but it was quiet and private.

"Lauren, strip for me!" Chip commanded.

I nodded my head and slid my already unbuttoned jeans down around my ankles, before stepping out of them. _Thank goodness for boot-leg jeans._I then took my shirt over my head in a fluid motion. I was left with heels, bra and panties on. They matched. I planned for this.

"Your turn, Chip!"

He eagerly took off his shoes, socks, jeans and shirt, left only wearing his silk boxers and nothing else. He pulled me onto the bed, moving me on top of him and pulled my face toward his. As we kissed, our hands started to roam. His hands moved under my bra pinching my nipples until they were hard. He then reached behind me and began to fumble with the clasp of my bra. It took him a few minutes but he finally unlatched my bra. _Why don't they teach bra unhooking as a class in junior high?_It slowly slid down my shoulders. Before I could wiggle out of it, he impatiently grabbed it and tossed it into a dark corner.

Now left wearing heels and my panties, I straddled him, feeling his hardened penis twitch under me. I welcomed him by widening my straddle on him and sitting right against him. My lips went straight for his neck, smothering it in kisses, as my body rocked back and forth on top of him.

"Do you have protection?" I asked grasping for air. _No glove, no love, baby._

"Yeah, I do."

"Put it on. I need you now!"

He went to retrieve the condom he had in jeans. When he came back he was completely naked except for his sheathed cock. He stared down at me and then with his teeth, he peeled off my panties until they were down around my ankle. I kicked them off and took a deep breath and leaned back. Chip pushed himself inside of me; had I been a virgin it would have hurt, but he was going where many men had gone before.

I hitched my legs around his waist, heels still on, and rose my hips to meet his. He cried out in ecstasy and pumped himself in and out of me. Each time he did, my own hips met his. His thrusts became very fast as he pounded into me.

_Wow someone thinks he's a jackrabbit. A mental image of me, filing my nails as Chip hammered away, popped into my head. How do I make this stop?_

In between Chip's pounding, I thrusted my hips toward him and slowly pulled back. I repeated the motion once more and then I felt it.

"Oh shit"

_Yup, that did it._

I laid back on the bed very frustrated. Jeff had really ruined me. My first time raised the bar so high for me that most guys fell short.

"Lauren, the way you were riding up on me, I just couldn't control it. Give me like another hour and I'll be ready to go again. I swear. I can usually go all night. It's just been awhile."

I curled up to Chip and assured him it was okay.

"Why don't you three stay over here? I can show you what I can really do. Christian and Jessica can do whatever they're doing and Jason and Bella can, well, do whatever the hell they're doing as well. Christian's parents are out of town tonight."

_Maybe I will give him another chance. Hopefully I can get mine next round._

"I'm not worried about Jessica at all. Let me find out from Bella. I think I hear her in the bathroom actually."

In just my t-shirt and panties, I went to find Bella.

**Bella POV**

We continued making out like this for what seemed to be hours. I tried not to think about anything during this monster make-out session except the moment I was in. Not that I was not enjoying myself, but after some time, I got up to go the bathroom. _A human moment._On the way I met up with Lauren who was wearing her t-shirt, no bra and a pair of panties._Whoa._

"Bella, what do you think of relocating our sleepover tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we'll all just crash here for the night and head back to Forks early in the morning."

"What if my dad drives by your house looking for your car?"

"It's usually parked in the garage. Besides you gave him my cell phone number, so we'll know if he's looking for you. How did you like movie night? Having fun yet?"

Lauren always seemed to have an answer for everything. "It's a nice release to a stressful week, but I'm not sure about staying over here. I mean, I'm not ready for, well, you know."

"Oh! I am sure Jason's not expecting _that_ of you. Though, I know I have found that since I lost my virginity, it's a lot easier to sort of pick up where you left off even if the guy has changed."

I knew in the back of my head that everyone assumed I was a lot more experienced than I was. I really wanted to tell Lauren that tonight had been full of firsts for me and that Jason was the first man to really do anything with me, but I could not share that with anyone since they had all made assumptions about my previous relationship.

"Well, I guess I'm not quite there yet."

"Take it slow and have fun with it. Your problem is you tend to over think things. Don't think, live in the moment. We have seven months until we graduate and get out of this hole known as Forks. We might as well enjoy them."

"Okay. How are things with Chip? Did you? Where's Jessica?"

Lauren did not answer my first question; instead she just smirked and raised her eyebrows. "Jessica is going to probably be otherwise engaged for the night. Christian's parents are out all night at some conference or something. Holler if you need anything!" Lauren turned and headed back to what I surmised to be a guest bedroom and shut the door.

I turned back to the room where I had left Jason. Talk... we could just talk. We had barely talked all night. Talking would be good.

"I'm back. Apparently you're stuck with me all night."

"Oh dear," he said shaking his head back and forth, "whatever will we do?"

"Mind if we talk for a little bit? I'm still not that tired yet."

"Sure. What do you want to talk about? Politics? Weather? Movies? Books? Fall of the Holy Roman Empire?"

I was relieved Jason was not intense like other boys. I laughed and we began an extensive conversation. We talked and we kissed and made out like we had been all night. I fell asleep in his arms. It brought back memories, but this time I was warm and he was quiet. No humming. It was not bad. It was just different.

I woke up on Sunday morning stiff and unsure of my surroundings. It took me a minute to realize where I was. It took another minute to realize what I was wearing, my jeans and my bra and nothing else. I felt around the cushions and found my shirt. As I put it on, I noticed the red splotches on my neck and around my collarbone. Memories of the previous night came flooding back.

Jason. I looked down. He was still asleep on the couch. We had talked and made out more. I learned that his dad was a doctor, an ob/gyn, and his mom was a teacher. He wanted to study finance in college. He also loved sports, but did not like being classified as a jock. He told me about his older brother, who was away at college, and summer vacation trips his family took. We really did not have much in common except our studious nature. He was easy to talk to. He liked rock music and had never even listened to classical music. When I asked him if he liked _Clair de Lune_ he told me he had never met her, but asked what grade she was in.

We had talked about our pasts. Rather, he had talked about his past since he knew mine via Brian. He had several girlfriends throughout high school and was not looking for anything serious either. He got that he was my rebound guy and he was okay with that. He liked me for me and for what we were. He had no expectations for the future. I was unsure of how I felt about a no strings attached relationship.

Careful not to wake him, I shimmied off the sofa and made my way to the bathroom. Lauren was already in there. She was just sitting on the cold tiled floor, staring into space.

"Lauren? Are you okay?"

"Oh, Bella, it's you. I'm great. Let's go find Jessica and get out of here."

After we located Jessica, we each said our goodbyes to our friends and headed back to Forks. It was still pretty early, so I drove Lauren's car so she could sleep. Apparently neither she nor Jessica slept much last night. I did learn in the brief moment they both were awake that Lauren had in fact done the deed, thrice. Jessica on the other hand, did pretty much everything but.

We got back to her house before seven and we took our things inside, but somehow the three of us all ended up together in Lauren's bed. After sleeping through most of the day, Lauren drove us home. I was not looking forward to facing Charlie. The mirror in Lauren's room confirmed what I had feared, my first hickey. When Lauren dropped me off I noticed Billy Black's truck in the driveway. _Great. Company._

Not only was Charlie home, but he was also not alone. The rain had kept him and Billy local, and now they must be watching sports or something. I hoped they had already downed enough Vitamin R to not notice my appearance.

As I walked into the house, Charlie greeted me,"Hey Bella, the Blacks are here."

_The Blacks? Great. Billy and his son Jacob must be here._

I had barely seen Jacob since prom last June. I knew he had a crush on me. It was obvious. I just never thought of him like that.

"Hi dad. Hi Billy. Hi Jacob."

"It's Jake," he said taking his eyes off the television and looking up at me from the couch. I turned so that the red splotch on my neck would not show.

"Sorry."

"Gee Bella, looks like you girls stayed up late last night," Charlie replied, finally looking up at me.

"We went to the movies, but then watched more at Lauren's house. I feel disgusting though, so I am going to go shower upstairs."

_Liar. I hated being a liar._

I walked up the steps, showered and freshened up. I found make-up that concealed my hickey but made sure to put on a turtleneck sweater on just to be safe.

When I was done, I headed back downstairs to figure out what to feed these three men for dinner. I settled on chicken Kiev, broccoli, and a salad. The dinner was fairly easy since the chicken and broccoli were frozen and just needed to be heated. The salad was from a bag. I pretended to be busy anyways. That did not deter Jake from coming in to talk to me.

"Hey Bella, how are you doing?"

"Fine and you?"

"Not bad."

I looked at him. Really looked at him. He had grown and filled out a lot. He no longer looked like a gangly teenager. He looked like a man. He noticed me noticing him.

"Wow, Jake, you really grew since the last time I saw you."

"Maybe if you weren't completely wrapped up with your boyfriend for the past few months, you would realize that people actually age."

I was taken aback. He had mentioned _him._ He sounded hurt.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it." _Don't. Can't, Won't._

"You look like you're doing okay. So word around town is you are hanging around Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley... You know what people say about them?"

"No, what do they say, Jake? Enlighten me."

"They call them the Peeper twins."

"What?"

"You know Mr. Peepers from _Saturday Night Liv_e? He's the horny monkey that humps everything. That is what everyone calls them. They are like horny monkeys humping guys on the entire peninsula."

"Well, I like them. They're nice to me. I do not care what or who they do. They have been there for me. You really shouldn't judge people that you don't know. You have to get to know the person behind the rumors. I used to hate Lauren and could barely tolerate Jessica. Lauren's past experiences have helped me through the past few weeks. So before you judge someone, Jake, walk a mile in their shoes. Better yet you should start with walking a foot. You're acting so immature."

"Am not!"

Instead of getting baited into the am not/are too argument, I rolled my eyes. My conversations with Jake had usually been so pleasant, but this one caused me to officially lose my appetite. I shooed Jake back to the television and finished putting dinner out on the table. Once the guys had assembled in the kitchen to eat, I politely excused myself using homework as my excuse for not having to speak with Jacob again.

My short conversation made me realize the importance of empathy. Lauren had been in my place, which allowed her to get over her disdain for me. Jake just prejudged people. I didn't care what other people thought of Lauren and Jessica. The girls I knew were smart, funny, and beautiful. Besides they knew how to get theirs and there was nothing wrong with doing that. I was starting to like getting mine.

**AN: So let me know what you thought of my lemon or anything else in this chapter. I think it's hilarious that I can write 5000 or so words of fan fiction in one chapter, but when it comes to writing a 2000 word paper for school on the future economic prospects of any country in the world, I struggle. I wonder if my professor would accept the economic realm of Twilight? Probably not.**


	8. Chapter 8: Outside redone

**Chapter 8: Chapter 8: Outside redone**

**A/N: SM owns all Twilight. One part of NM that never made sense to me was where the Cullen's went after they left Forks. If they went to Denali even for a short time wouldn't they have run into Laurent who was still up there? If he had already left, wouldn't Irina be distraught and possibly ask Alice to find out where he went? So in this version, Laurent is up there while the Cullen's are figuring out their next step.**

**Huge thanks to Poo235, Isabel Grace, SassyGeminiMom, and Sarah****(I hope your computer gets fixed soon!)**

_**Outside:**_  
_All the times  
That I've cried  
All this wasted  
It's all inside  
And I feel  
All this pain  
Stuffed it down  
It's back again  
And I lie  
Here in bed  
All alone  
I can't mend  
But I feel  
Tomorrow will be okay_

_But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you_

_-Aaron Lewis, Staind_

**Chapter 8**

**Alice POV**

Tanya's house in Denali would have been crowded if any of us actually slept, but since we didn't, somehow we made it work. It had been a few weeks since our sudden departure from Forks. I was still torn into three: I hated seeing Jasper feel so guilty and upset for his almost slip up, I hated seeing Edward so upset about leaving Bella, and I hated not being able to say goodbye to Bella.

Frankly, I never thought we should have left in the first place. I had seen Bella becoming one of us. I still did. I tried to shield that thought from Edward though. He had forbidden me from looking into her future. While I tried to respect his wishes, it was hard to respect anything Edward wanted because he was so blatantly wrong.

I missed Bella with all of my heart. She was my best friend. We had grown quite close over the summertime. Even though I tortured her with clothes, hair, and make-up, she still humored me. I was not pleased when Edward stated that I must cut off all forms of contact with her and even destroying our cell phone so that she could not contact any of us. I was hoping he would go out hunting so that I could at least send her an email. Blocking my "Bella contacting thoughts" from Edward was proving to be quite difficult. I always saw when he was going to catch me, so I never made the effort. What was the point with the heartbroken telepath so close?

Carlisle and Esme were both quite distraught. They felt like they had lost a child. For Esme, this was especially hard, given her human life and her nurturing ways, but she was trying to keep her thoughts to herself. Not that it mattered since Edward retreated back to his old melancholy self and barely made contact with anyone. Shutting us out and not communicating with any of us made this whole situation that much more difficult. In only a way that parents can, Carlisle and Esme vehemently disapproved of Edward's decision to leave. We all did except for Rose, and she didn't count. She had issues with Bella; well, she just had issues. Carlisle, in the meantime, was trying to figure out the next place we should go since we did not want to over-hunt around Denali.

It was nice to catch up with Tanya, Kate, Eleazar and Carmen. I loved seeing Irina happy with Laurent. It was not unknown with the Denali crew that Laurent was having a hard time adjusting to the vegetarian lifestyle. Edward feared that we should only let Tanya know that we were looking for a new place to relocate because of Laurent's previous relationship with James and Victoria. Because of Edward was suspicious of Laurent, everyone besides Tanya thought we were here for an extended visit. Edward was not alone in his concerns for Laurent, Irina was also worried about him, but for a different reason.

She had asked me to keep my thoughts tuned to Laurent's future because she was worried he might slip up on our vegetarian lifestyle. I saw that he was struggling, but he was keeping to our way of life, for her sake. As I thought more about his future, I saw Victoria paying him a visit and him heading back to Forks. In my vision I saw him hunting down Bella. The vision was blurry, but scared me nonetheless. From his darkened bedroom, Edward saw into my vision and I felt the need to use it as a way to bring him back into the light.

See? Even with us gone she's still in danger.

I saw his future response in my head. Alice, do not share this vision with anyone. Once the rest of the family relocates, I will track down Victoria and even Laurent, if I must, and stop them. They cannot hurt her. She deserves a long life. So much for getting him to change his mind.

It wasn't too long after that vision that Carlisle gathered all of us in Tanya's dining room. Well, all of us save Edward who had not left his room. Not even to hunt.

Not long after my vision, Tanya and her family went out hunting, so Carlisle took advantage of the privacy and gathered all of us in Tanya's dining room to discuss our living and her family were out hunting. "We cannot stay here in Denali forever. At least not in this house," he said. "Now, I can pretty much work at any hospital in the US, but each time we have moved someone has chosen the location. Alice, I think it is your turn to pick our next home. Where do you want to go?"

"Hmmmm…. Forks." Then I saw in my head Edward getting angry with me and telling me anywhere but there. "Oh, Edward would veto that. How about New York City?" At least I could relieve this stress and tension with some retail therapy.

"Isn't that a bit too populated for us?" asked Jasper.

"I actually already see us there. In fact, I see us in a big house outside New York City and a cute pied**-**à**-**terre in the city." There, a country home and a city home, everyone would be happy.

"Alice, we sparkle… it's too sunny there," stated Emmett.

"I know, but it's the city that never sleeps. Also,there are plenty of colleges and universities with evening programs. I could finally go to FIT! I checked - they have an evening program. Besides, people never know their neighbors so we can go pretty incognito. There is a ton to do at night. Lots of people sleep during the day and stay up all night in that city."

"Alice, what about food? I am not eating rats!" cried Esme.

"That is the beauty of it. If we have a house outside the city, there are plenty of deer, bears, and coyote to hunt. Plus, we are close to the Catskills and Adirondack mountains. I have seen it. It works out."

Geez, didn't anyone just want to take my word anymor? Were my visions that subjective?

"What about our sparkling skin in the sunlight? It's sunny a lot more in that area," stated Rosalie with her arms crossed.

"If we sparkle in the sun, most people would probably think it is some new skin treatment or body bling. Also humans are now as conscious of the sun as we are. We can walk outside in July with parasols again and covered up our skin. People will not think anything of it. Strange behavior by people in New York City is the norm. What would stand out are normal run of the mill people."

"Hey Jasper, you can finally take up cross dressing!" Emmett said, laughing and poking Jasper.

"Alice, you have really seen us living there?" asked Carlisle.

"Yes, you are working at a hospital in Connecticut that's about 45 minutes from Manhattan. We can get a big house in a secluded area out there and still be close enough to the city. I checked the weather: there are only 106 or so clear days per year. That really is not a lot. Besides, did you know I can get into Bloomingdales without ever going outside? The 4, 5, 6 train takes me right there and I can go up through the bottom level. I see us having a 3-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. It is quite posh."

As we all got up from the table with clear action items to speed up the move to New York, Edward descended down the stairs.

"Well, nice to see you Eddie!" shouted Emmett.

"Listen, I finally realized what I need to do. Once I get a new cell phone number, I will call you. I have some tracking to do."

"Edward, we can help you. Let us help you," cried Esme.

"No, I have to do this on my own. I will call you when I can. Don't worry about me, please. I will survive. Enjoy hunting rats," he said with a smirk and then hurried back up the stairs.

**Edward POV**

I knew the hours, the minutes, and the seconds that I had been away from my love. As soon as I had buried any reminder of me underneath the floorboards in her room, I drove straight up to Denali in my beloved Volvo. It smelled of her. I inhaled deeply the entire drive. My family was waiting for me, and they were not happy.

I had heard Laurent's thoughts when I arrived. Although he was adjusting to our lifestyle, I didn't trust him – not in the slightest - he still thought somewhat fondly of his time with James's coven. I had instructed my family not to mention that we were not going back to Forks to anyone except Tanya. The less they know, the better.

During my short time in Denali, I kept to myself by holing myself up in one of the bedrooms upstairs in Tanya's house. I did not care that one of the couples might need it for their activities. I wanted to be left alone. I needed to be alone . Alone with my thoughts and the pain in my empty chest.

What had I done? Why did I lie to her? I could answer my own question: to give her the life she deserves. To let her live, so she can grow old with someone have and have children… all the things that you cannot give her.

I felt so empty. Leaving her alone in the woods was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, besides not tearing into her the day she walked into my life. The only pain worse than this was the pain of changing into my immortal self. I could not face my family. They hated me too. They understood and accepted my decision to leave her and our life in Forks, but they didn't like it. I could hear it in their thoughts:

Grow a pair Eddie. Shit happens. She was okay.

I hated when Emmett called me Eddie, even if it was just in his head.

I may not have liked the human but at least you were not the sad sack you are now when she was around.

What, even Rosalie was being nice?

"Edward, I am so sorry for attacking her. I know you have said you do not blame me but I feel your guilt and your pain. Just go back to her."

I did not blame Jasper for what happened. I was the one who threw her into glass. She was too fragile for our world. Too fragile for me. I had only hurt her every way that I could, both physically and emotionally

"Son, are you sure you made the right decision? I can get my job back anytime at the hospital."

"Oh Edward…."

Part of me really wanted to tell Carlisle and Esme to pack up and re-enroll us at Forks High School, let things resume as they once were, but I knew I could not go back. Not now. Not after what I had seen in Alice's head. Not knowing that Victoria was on the hunt for her.

"Edward, she is not okay now. You leaving her will cause her to spiral out of control. I have seen it - she becomes reckless."

"Alice, I told her not to do anything reckless or stupid. What have you seen?"

"Edward she is going to become reckless with her heart because she already lost it. She is never going to be whole again. Sound like someone we know?"

A picture of a boy with dark hair putting his hands on Bella flashed into my head. I clenched my fist and let out a growl. She promised me she would be safe and not do anything reckless. Though, I had promised never to leave. I reeled with anger at the though of another touching her. Inside I fought with myself.

You left so she could be with someone who can give her what you cannot. You are a monster. Mine. She's mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. No! Not anymore she will never be yours again. She was never yours to begin with. You cannot have something you hurt. She's mine! You left her.

If I were more of a man than a monster, I would go back to her and plead for her to take me back, but I was a monster. I could not go back to her. The man in me could ensure that she led a wonderful life though. Like her guardian angel, I would always be there watching her, waiting until she took her last breath. I would then go ask for the Volturi to kill me as well. I could not imagine the world anymore without her in it.

Alice showed me her vision of Victoria coming close to Denali, speaking to Laurent and convincing him to go back to Forks to find Bella. She showed me Victoria taking her revenge on my true love. After seeing this vision, my mission was clear. I had to stop Victoria.

I had heard my family discussing plans to move to New York City. I had no intention to go with them. I could not be in a city full of such light, such life. Not when my world was filled with darkness. I would find Victoria before she could get to Laurent and hunt her down and destroy her. She would not come near my Bella.

"Alice, where did you see Victoria? You have to try to find out."

"I see cattle. Cattle and wind turbines? Renewable energy? I think she's in Texas. West Texas"

After assuring my family I would get a cell phone, and call them with the number, Jasper practically dragged me out of the house to go hunting before I left. I knew from his thoughts he still felt guilty for his attack.

"Jasper, I do not blame you. It was my decision. She deserves a life. A life of happiness and children. A life I can never give her. I only bring her danger and pain."

"Edward, Alice still sees her as one of us. Even though we left, she sees her coming back to us," he thought.

"It's not going to happen," I growled back. Just then an elk ran by and distracted me as I went in for the kill. I sucked the life out of the poor defenseless creature in order to satiate my own thirst.

Jasper and I returned home after a long hunt. He was trying to hunt more in order to quell his thirst. It was completely unnecessary. He was really fine, just overly cautious. I said my goodbyes to my family. They hated to see me leave them like this, but knew I had to go. The rest of the Denali clan, save Tanya, thought I was returning to Forks.

I asked Tanya to drive me to the airport. She had not asked any questions since we had all arrived a few weeks ago. I knew she was interested in me as a mate, but she had kept her distance this trip. Her thoughts indicated that she realized I was not the man I was a few months ago, when I came here fleeing the girl in my biology class. Despite knowing that, internally Tanya still wished I felt the same way about her as she did about me. As she drove, she started thinking of things to say to me.

"Edward, I can help you get over her."

"No, Tanya. She was special. She was not only my singer, she was my mate."

"She's human, Edward. You were not going to change her. Why torture yourself?"

"Tanya, one day you will meet your mate and you will understand why."

I was silent the rest of the way, doing my best to ignore Tanya's thoughts. I tried to focus on my task at hand: tracking Victoria.

**Alice POV**

As soon as Edward left the house with Tanya, I excused myself to use the computer and Internet. I said I needed to research FIT admissions policies. I lied. Edward would have called me on it, but he was not here. I wanted him to find Victoria, but I wanted him to let us go back to Forks more.

He told me not to contact Bella. I had agreed that Alice Cullen would not contact Bella Swan. Mary Brandon, on the other hand, would.

I had tried not to look into Bella's future too much, but she was my best friend. Sometimes I could not control what I saw. I tried to do it when I was hunting and away from Edward so he could not read my thoughts. A few weeks ago, I saw her eating lunch with Jessica Stanley, yuck, Lauren Mallory,dear god what have we done, and Angela Weber, phew. Last week I had seen Bella kissing a boy on a couch somewhere. She looked like she did when she was trying to act. She was never a good actress and I always could see right through her. I knew that look was one of fake emotion.

She wasn't happy; she was faking it.

I am sure Bella could find some happiness without us. I have seen her have moments where she is having a good time. I just know her heart will never be complete unless she is a Cullen.

I opened up a fresh Internet browser and went to hotmail to set up a new email account name. Bella was smart, and she would know it was from me. However, I was unsure of whether she would read it, given that I had never said goodbye. If not she could disregard and live her life. I just knew she would know it was me. I had one vision where she read the email, laughed, cried and smiled. Of course, I had another vision of her deleting the email.

I typed out my message.

Have faith. It all works out. I have seen it.

I could not see her reading the email since I had no control over technology. I hoped she would read it. All I had was hope that one day my best friend and sister would come back and my family would be whole again.


	9. Chapter 9: Holding My Own

_**Chapter 9: Chapter 9: Holding My Own**_

_**Author's Chapter Notes:**_

_**A/N: This is very much a transition to Isabel Grace she knows she is amazing. Completely Amazing. I also bow down to the Beta-ing goddess, Poo235. She is doing an amazing job. Also huge thanks SassyGeminiMom and also to Sarah, I hope your computer heals soon too.**_

_**I am going on vacation, out of the country, with very limited internet for a few weeks. I will try to get another chapter up before I leave but there is a chance that I won't, as I still have not packed yet. Okay, I have some clothes in a suitcase, but seriously how can one plan for all fashion contingencies with one suitcase?**_

_The song for this chapter is Holding My Own by The Darkness._

_I don't need your permission  
To take this matter in my own two hands  
'Cos I'm holding my own  
Give or take a tear or two  
I'm holding my own  
No matter what I put myself through_

_-Holding My Own,The Darkness_

**Bella POV**

Jacob Black's words about Lauren and Jessica still stung. It really irritated me that people, including Jacob, were saying such nasty things about my friends. I knew I was probably hormonal, which was why I was so short with him, but I was actually glad that I was. Thinking about his words, along with some massive cramps, kept me tossing and turning for most of Sunday night. I was relieved to be angry with Jacob rather than trying to decipher what my feelings for Jason truly were; I was just not ready to figure that out, yet.

Jason was a good guy;. Maybe we needed to spend more time together. My basis for comparison was not exactly fair. Before I let my mind wander down that path, I closed my eyes and counted backward from 100. Nope, still could not fall asleep. I got up and turned on the computer; if I was up at this hour, I could at least be productive and fire off an email update to Renee.

Renee was very pleased I was making more friends in Forks and was out of my funk, as she called it. After she had left Charlie, Renee dated quite frequently but this also led to her being dumped, quite often, so she was not a stranger to heartbreak. I connected to the dial-up connection and loaded my web browser.

I really needed to talk to Charlie about getting high speed Internet. If he could get a season pass on cable to see every Mariner's game, he could surely look into getting a cable modem.

The browser took forever to load. Finally, my email inbox loaded, but there were no new messages, although the junk mailbox showed I had several new messages.

Typical. My only emails are from people who contact me to control my erectile disfunction, get cheaper prescription drugs, or help with hair loss.

I started a new message to Renee.

_Hi Mom,_

_How are you doing? I am doing okay. Besides massive cramps, but what else is new?_

_My weekend was pretty good. I worked on Saturday and then saw the movie Kill Bill with Lauren and Jessica on Saturday night. We saw the movie with some boys that Lauren knows, and one of them, Jason, is really nice. I like him as a friend. He kissed me, but mom, before you go off your rocker, there were no sparks with him. The chemistry is just not right. I doubt I will go out with him again._

_School is going okay. We finally finished watching Splendid in the Grass in English class. I know you said it was one of your favorite movies. I never realized how cute Warren Beatty was in his prime._

_I am still not sure about University of Florida. While I do like the warm weather, I am not sure where I want to go to school. I think I have a meeting with the school's guidance counselor this week to talk about my options._

_I like working on yearbook. Between doing that after school, work, homework, and taking care of Charlie, I have successfully filled almost all of my free time._

_I will call you later this week. Give my love to Phil._

_Love you mom._

_Bella_

After sending the email out, I instinctually opened a new browser window. Without even thinking I entered in His name into the Google search and clicked enter. Same results as before. Nothing new. I tried the rest of the family. No new mentions of locations. I sighed and shut down the computer. I was angry at myself for searching for them, but I figured it could be my one guilty pleasure. No one but me would know about. After grabbing two Advil, I climbed back into bed.

I must have fallen asleep because my alarm woke me up the following morning. I pulled on the same clothes I wore last night; it was my only turtleneck sweater and my hickey was still noticeable.

I am going to have to ask Lauren for some advice on how to handle this. Maybe she can loan me some tops for this week.

Charlie had already left for work, so I made myself some cereal before grabbing my book bag and heading out to my truck. As I drove the familiar wet roads to school, the radio blared the new top song of the week, Photograph by Nickelback. I hated this song. It was already overplayed on the radio and it made me think of Him. The one bright spot of the song was that it reminded me I had more searching to do at yearbook this afternoon.

I pulled into the parking lot and spotted Lauren and Jessica hanging out by Tyler's van. I sauntered over to them.

"Hey guys! What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing much. We were just discussing Halloween," explained Jessica. "It's one of our favorite holidays."

"Really?" I could not picture Lauren and Jessica dressing up and going trick-or-treating.

"To quote the movie Mean Girls, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

"Lauren, you are the mean girl of Forks," exclaimed Mike Newton as he strolled in to become part of the conversation.

"No she's not, you idiot," replied Jessica shaking her head at Mike. "She's just mean to you because you're an absolute imbecile."

"So what are you guys thinking of dressing up as?" I asked.

Tyler cut Lauren off before she had a chance to reply. "I hope it is as good as last year. I could barely control myself all day thanks to you two."

"We went as a sexy cat and a sexy mouse," replied Jessica.

"Pretty much for Halloween you can wear animal ears or angel wings and lingerie and call it a costume," Lauren explained. "This year I am thinking we will do something like scary sexy. Hey Newton, let me know if you need to borrow anything for your costume! You know I have some heels that would like great on you. "

The first bell rang before I had a chance to ask her what she meant by scary sexy. I was a little afraid to find out and more afraid that she was including me in the Halloween costume plans.

The school day passed by without any further discussion of Halloween. At lunch, Lauren talked about meeting up with Chip again. She wanted to get him out of her system before moving on to her next target. Jessica and Christian were officially a couple. Lauren, Jessica and Angela asked me about Jason and if I had any new stunning revelations about him.

"I don't know. What should I be feeling?"

Lately the life I was living seemed to be completely out of my hands. Everyone made decisions about my life without even talking to me about them. First, He decided to leave taking with him my best friend. Then, I somehow became integrated into this circle of friends and it seemed that all of my free time was sucked up by the groups' plans. Now Lauren was even dictating what I would wear and where I would go on Halloween. The person I was before all of this would have been happy staying home and passing out candy, but I was not that girl anymore. She was gone and with her went all of the things that used to bring her pleasure.

It had been ages since I sat alone in my room reading. Of course, when I was alone I had to confront the incessant feeling of emptiness that lingered deep within in and never seemed to go away. Reading my old favorites brought about too many memories. I used to love Jane Austin and the Bronte Sisters, but their colloquial language and antiquated mannerisms reminded me of my own past. Thinking about Jason, I felt nothing for him, because he was now a prop in the play I was constantly starring in.

"Well, are you anxious to talk to him at all?" asked Angela.

"No, not really. I just think we have good friend-chemistry vibes not boyfriend-girlfriend vibes."

"Just be friends with benefits," Lauren said with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Yeah, just hook up if you want. Don't if you don't. I am sure he will understand. Jason is cool like that. Besides, the chances of meeting two Prince Charmings in a row is quite slim," Jessica replied as she stuffed a Twinkie in her mouth in a very suggestive way just to irk Mike Newton.

They made a good point about Jason. I think I would just see how things went. My friends were great; they really did keep me from going into those dark places I could let my wander into if I did not have them to distract me. I was relieved when the final class let out. After grabbing a few items from my locker, I headed to the yearbook room.

Once inside, I looked at the assignments board: no stories to edit yet. Instead, I turned to the stacks of yearbooks from previous years. I took out the one from what would have been my sophomore year.

Flipping through it, I saw lots of familiar faces. Lauren seemed to be everywhere. I looked up Jeff. He was a good-looking guy; no wonder Lauren fell for him so hard. The pictures of them together seemed to grace almost every page of the yearbook. They really did make a striking couple. I turned to the index section to look for them. Their names were listed but only one page number was beside each of their names. This meant only one thing, camera shy, of course.

Frustrated, I slammed down the yearbook. I decided to forgo my search and instead pulled up a yearbook from the 1980's. Nothing like mullets and teased bangs to lighten up my afternoon. After seeing some dated but interesting layout ideas, which I marked with colored Post-It tabs, I decided to head home to work on my homework.

Once I had finished my homework, I made dinner for Charlie, deciding to make one of his favorites, my man-friendly salad. I made Buffalo chicken salad. It combined Buffalo-flavored chicken bites, lettuce, shredded carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, and celery bits along with low calorie bleu cheese dressing and buffalo sauce. Charlie loved it and it was one of the few salads he would actually eat. He had no idea that I opted for a healthier version of bleu cheese dressing.

"Buffalo chicken salad? My favorite," Charlie exclaimed when he got home.

I put the plates down on the table and sat down. Charlie grabbed a can of Vitamin R from the refrigerator before sitting down to join me. I took a huge bite of my salad as the phone rang.

"You sit, Bella, I will get it," Charlie stated as he got up and picked up the phone. "Hello, Swan residence. Who may I ask is calling? How may I ask do you know my daughter?"

"Dad, is the phone for me? Who is it?"

"Bella, do you know a Jason?

"Yeah, Dad, he's friends with Lauren. We hung on Saturday night," I said as I tried to grab the phone away from Charlie. He finally relented and handed me the phone.

"We'll talk about this when you finish. Make it short."

"Hey Jason. How are you doing?"

Over the phone, Jason replied, "Good, except for your Dad dragging me through the ringer. He is real tough. Though I guess I shouldn't expect anything less from the Chief of the Forks Police Department!"

"Guess not. We are just about to sit down for dinner. Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, of course. I just wanted to call, say hi, talk, ask you out for Friday night."

I bit my lip. Charlie was staring at me. I winced. "That sounds like a lot of fun. I have to check the schedule though; I may have to work early on Saturday morning. Can I call you back later?"

Jason gave me his number and I sat back down to finish my dinner, hoping Charlie would not drill me too hard.

"Who's this calling my house?" he asked.

Great, time for police interrogation time!

"Dad, he's just a friend. I already told you. He plays lacrosse up in Port Angeles, is smart, very funny, and did I mention he's just a friend?"

He let out a grunt and took a big bite of the buffalo chicken.

**Lauren POV**

I'm a fucking genius. Total genius. I loved the Halloween costume idea for my friends and me. Thanks to the internet and my mom's credit card, I had ordered costumes for all four of us. We were probably going to get suspended or at least sent home if we wore them to school, but they would be amazing for a Halloween party.

I could not wait to give each girl their assignment. I figured Friday would be the big reveal. That would give us ten full days to get the costumes and solidify our plans.

The costumes were easy. The bigger problem would be to figure out where the party was going to be. Even bigger problem was how to get everyone there. Angela and Jessica were now coupled up and would probably want to go with their significant other. That would leave Bella and me, unless she and Jason started getting serious.

I hoped she wasn't. I really liked hanging out with her and it was nice to be friends with someone who was also mending a broken heart. I refused to get close to a guy and only get hurt again. Better to be the heart breaker than the heartbroken.

After landing Chip this weekend, I was quickly losing my interest in him. He was nice as a person, but he sucked in the sack; they all did. All of them, but Jeff. He had ruined me. He took my virginity and my ability to achieve an orgasm. Chip was also on my shit list because he called me Sunday afternoon just to talk. I have my friends to talk; I have him to scratch my itches. Before I gave him the boot, I needed to figure out who would be next for me. Whenever I got antsy like this, I always made lists. Time to make out a list so I know my options.

Lauren's List of To Do's To do...

Brian (does he have anymore hot friends)

Brett- figure out a weekend when I can take a road trip up to see him

Brad from Sequim to see what is going on with the guys up there...

what Chip is doing later this week

I called Brett first. I missed my big brother and maybe he would give me some dirt on Jeff. I picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone. It rang twice before he picked up.

"Hey Brett-Brett!"

"Lauren! What's wrong? What did you do now?"

"Nothing! Jeez, can't a girl call her older brother and see how he's doing in college?"

"Okay, what do you want?"

"I wanted to see how you are doing? Really? Am I that selfish?"

"More like you have a one track mind. I blame myself for corrupting you so early. So really, what's going on?"

"Let see, I've been hanging out with some of the guys from Port Angeles. Jessica is dating Christian, you know the lacrosse player? Bella is seeing Jason. You remember those guys right?"

"Wait, who's Bella?"

"She's the one who got dumped by one of the Cullen kids when they moved away. We sort of have stuff in common."

"The Cullens moved? Good riddance."

"You have no idea. She was practically a zombie until Jess and I came in took her under our wing. So, how's Jeff doing?"

"Lauren- I told you I am not talking about him with you. He's still my friend and you're my sister. That was the first rule I told both of you when you started dating back then and it still is true. Your are two separate entities as far as I am concerned. I do not mix the two at all."

"Brett, you guys are in the same fraternity house, he is your best friend. You can at least tell me he is fine."

"No, I really can't, I made a promise to myself and to both of you. Stop asking!"

"Okay fine. Tell him I said hi or whatever. So, any good weekends for you to host a bunch of us pre-frosh ladies?"

"This semester is pretty much shot already with Thanksgiving break coming up before we know it and then finals. How about beginning of January term or President's Day Weekend?"

"That could work. Especially since Bella is going to have to sell this to Chief Swan."

"Why would she have to do that?"

"He's her dad."

"Nice, Lauren. Only you would make friend's with the police chief's daughter to ensure you will not get busted for partying your senior year."

"It surely doesn't hurt. She's not as goody-two shoes as Angela, but I am slowly but surely corrupting her."

"Is mom or dad at home?"

"Nope. They're out trying to sell some houses to unsuspecting tourists who think our little hamlet is charming and the rain is calming."

"Well, Lauren, pencil in January or February, I will talk to Jennifer about having you girls stay with her in the dorms. She moves into her sorority house next year... You do not want to stay at the frat house. Forty guys in one house is not a place for you."

"Thanks Brett. You really know how to cheer your little sister up."

Hmm... Forty guys minus Brett, that means I can flirt with 38 guys to right in front of Jeff. Maybe that would get his attention?

**Bella POV**

The week seemed to pass slowly. Each senior was given an assigned time to meet with Mrs. Bold to discuss our college application strategy. Jessica and Lauren seemed pretty clear on their future.

"At UW, I know I should already have a bid in Nu Omega Tau. It's my brother's girlfriend's house and my mom's house as well. I can major in communications and date a Delta because that is what Nu girls do," explained Lauren. I envied her for knowing what life after high school held for her. She seemed so confident about her future.

"I will probably join Lauren with the whole UW and sorority thing. Though I am still not sure what I want to major in. Bella are you going to go to UW with us?" exclaimed Jessica.

"I have no idea what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go."

"We would love to have you join us at UW. We could share a triple. Well, you better hurry up and figure out where you are going to apply. It is only getting more and more competitive to get into good schools or even decent schools. I am sure Mrs. Bold can help you out, though," replied Jessica.

I had no idea what a triple was, but sharing it with Lauren and Jessica seemed a bit too much for me. They were great, but seeing them 24X7 might make my head explode.

After school, I figured I owed Renee a phone call.

"Hey mom."

"Bella! It is wonderful to hear from you. How is my wonderful but incredibly busy daughter?"

"Not too bad, Mom."

"Not too bad. Who is this guy you wrote about? How is school? How are the girls?"

"Well, school is going well. So far I am making all A's. Angela, Jessica and Lauren are all doing well. They are doing a great job keeping me," I searched for the right word. Distracted, no, busy? "Busy. I did go out with one guy from Port Angeles, but eh, I don't know."

"Bella, now that you are 18," Renee started.

_Ughh, don't remind me. Even though He had left, I still hated I was getting older._

She continued, "You need to see a gynecologist. It is standard for someone your age to see a doctor. I know you claimed you were never sexually active, but it is important for you to get yourself checked out."

Can she tell over the phone how much I am blushing? This is so embarrassing. I want to die. Not the sex talk.

"If I were there I would take you myself. Now, I can talk to Charlie about making an appointment for you and he can take you."

"No!"

"Well, I figured as much. I know I can trust you to make an appointment and go yourself. Do you know if your friends have a doctor that they go to?"

"Mom, we have not really had conversations about our lady parts."

"Well, ask. Bella, this is really important. You always take care of me. As a mother, this is the one thing I really want to make sure you take care of."

"Okay mom, I will go. I promise. How is Phil?" I asked, eager to change the subject.

"He is great. He loves coaching his team. We really are so happy here."

"I am glad to hear that, Mom. I should get started on some homework. I love you."

"Love you too."

My meeting with Mrs. Bold was scheduled for Thursday. I made my way to the administrative offices, stopped to say a quick hello to Mrs. Cope, and then I proceeded to Mrs. Bold's office in the back corner.

"Isabella Swan, I have been looking over your records, quite an impressive gal. It is a pleasure to finally meet you," Mrs. Bold said as she extended her hand. I reached out and took her hand, shaking it with a somewhat firm grip. Charlie would be proud. "Please take a seat," she said as she motioned to the chair across the desk from her.

I sat down.

"Bella, " I corrected.

"Now, you took the SATs a few weeks ago. Correct?"

I nodded my head.

"Good. You work part-time and you are on the yearbook committee?" She did not wait for my answer. "With good scores on the SATs and your grades, you can pretty much apply anywhere you want. What schools were you thinking about?"

"I have not really given it much thought. My mom wants me to go to University of Florida and my dad wants me to go where I am happy."

"Where do you want to go? What place would make you happy?"

"I really don't know. I never really thought about my future until a few weeks ago." It was surprisingly easy to be honest with Mrs. Bold; she was such a sweet and understand woman.

"Let's try a little exercise. Bella, close your eyes. Imagine you are in college. What does the college you imagine yourself at look like? Describe it for me."

Reluctantly, I did as she asked. "I am in a big city. There are lots of people. I am sitting reading on a comfy chair in a coffee shop. Outside there are people passing by. No one pays any special attention to me, and I can easily get lost in the shuffle. Outside leaves are falling. I think I am in a place with four distinct seasons." I am surprised by my own response. As someone who usually puts everyone else's happiness before my own, I suddenly felt selfish expressing what I wanted in a conversation.

"Okay, open your eyes. Were you watching reruns of Felicity? Sounds like we should focus your college search on east coast schools. Do you want a big school or a smaller school? Do you know what you want to study or major in? Now, there is the issue of cost for schools. Do you have budget limitations because student loans should not be difficult for you to obtain and a lot of students have them."

My head started spinning. "My dad says we will worry about costs once I get into the schools. He wants me to go somewhere that makes me happy."

"Smart man."

She gave me a listing of websites for schools in D.C., Philadelphia, Boston and New York. I was to send her an email by next week with four schools I was going to submit applications.

Before Charlie got back from work and would be monitoring the phone, I called Jason back. Because of my work schedule, we decided to go out on Saturday night rather than Friday night. He was extremely flexible and offered to drive to Forks even though this town had very little to offer in terms of nightlife. He asked for suggestions on what we could do. I told him his options were shopping cart races at the Thrftway and going to the diner. He assured me he had something in mind and that I should dress warm.

I then fired up my computer to start my college research. As usual, as soon as my browser loaded my fingers involuntarily typed in his name again. I had not even thought about him much today. It was a major feat. The search rendered nothing as usual. I turned my attention on researching schools rather than vampire stalking.

I looked at a few schools in Washington, DC - George Washington University, American and Georgetown. They all looked nice but I was not sold on a town full of politicians.

I decided to do one last check of my email before shutting down and starting the rest of my homework for the night. I opened up my inbox: no new messages. Not even anything from Renee. I was a total loser. I quickly checked my junk email folder. I scanned the newest subject lines.

Wow! I have money in a bank account in Nigeria? Delete.

There was one email that stood out from the rest. I could not place the sender, but it looked familiar to me and did not follow the usual pattern of spam that I received. I opened it up and held my breath.

Chapter End Notes:

**A/N: Sorry to leave you with a cliffie. Is Bella going to see Alice's email or did she just find a great deal on Viagra? What do you think Lauren has up her sleeve for Halloween? Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

**I am not sure if I will get Chapter 10 up before I leave. Leave a review and if I can respond I will try to include a teaser, if I can. Going overseas and not sure how much I can do on my iphone.**


	10. Chapter 10: Ironic

_**Chapter 10: Chapter 10: Ironic**_

_**A/N: Sorry for leaving you with a cliffie before going on vacation. Italy was amazing. No trip to Volterra but Tuscany is gorgeous.**_

_**Huge thanks go to Poo235, who gets my attention to detail and Beta's like the best of them. Another huge thanks to Isabel Grace and SassyGeminiMom.**_

_**I own nothing Twilight. I do own a new leather jacket from Italy. It's totally bad-ass.**_

_**This chapters inspiration:**_

_A traffic jam when you're already late  
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break  
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife  
It's meeting the man of my dreams  
And then meeting his beautiful wife  
And isn't it ironic...don't you think  
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think..._

_-Alanis Morissettte_

**Bella POV**

_The subject had one word, Sorry. The sender was JB_Rabbit. I thought about it for a few moments before it came to me... Jacob Black. Delete. He was not worth my time._

**Lauren POV**

As I drove to Port Angeles to study, I put my hookup mix CD into my car's stereo and sang along.

"I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I love you to love me. I'm begging you to beg me. I want you to want me."

The CD mix was something I played to get myself revved up for going out. Instead of dealing with Chip and his neediness of wanting to talk, Kevin called to hang out and study. Yeah study, that is why Brian and all of his friends hang out with me. I wasn't stupid. I knew those guys talked and I knew I had a reputation. I probably would not have gone, if not for my conversation with Brett earlier in the week. Why couldn't he just tell me Jeff had moved on and was dating some gorgeous supermodel sororistitute? The thought of another girl all over him made me so mad, so freaking mad. All I could do was look for love in all the wrong places.

Since my homework for the night was lighter than usual, my parents did not care that I was out on a school night. The more I drove to Port Angeles for booty calls, the shorter the drive felt. I wished the guys would make more trips to Forks, but whatever. Guys sucked at asking for directions and they would get lost trying to find our little town.

Kevin and I studied long enough for both of us to finish our homework before we made our way onto the couch. We talked about school and mutual friends for a little bit. He had a nice laugh. Kevin was very different from Chip, with red hair in a buzz cut and bright green eyes; he was wiry and thin and not as bulky but still very muscular in all the right places.

"So what's the deal with you and Chip?"

"We hooked up. He's okay. We're not like dating. You know I don't commit myself to anyone."

"That's what I was hoping you'd say," he said, wrapping his arms around my shoulder.

Wow, way to jump right to the point, Grabby. I still have to make my 11:30 curfew. It is a school night.

He leaned in to kiss my neck before his lips made their way up to my ear and he began to nibble on my earlobe. His tongue softly grazed my earlobe. I placed my hand on his thigh and inched my fingers toward his crotch. Even in his jeans, I could feel that he was already hard. In some smooth move that I could not figure out he grabbed me and wrapped me so I was sitting on his lap facing him.

Slowly and steadily, our kissing intensified. His tongue massaged mine softly as his lips pressed against mine. His hands moved down my neck until they both cupped my breasts. Kevin's got some mad skills. Wait, what is this? One hand left my breast and travelled down my stomach before finding the waistband of my Juicy Couture velour sweatpants. Yup. Grabby hands.

His fingers inched downward until they found my sex. I was already wet with anticipation as he slipped one finger inside of me.

"Nina," he whispered.

I moaned and jerked my hips toward him. His thumb massaged my clit and I moaned again.

"Pinta," he said as he stuck a second digit into me.

"More," I moaned.

"Santa Maria?" he asked as he pushed a third finger in me and I squirmed to meet it. It was a bit corny, but holy fuck did it feel good. I rocked back and forth and he pushed his fingers deeper inside of me while he continued massaging my clit with his thumb.

"You're so wet. You want more?" He whispered, trying to find his way back to my mouth as I got closer and closer. The harder his fingers pushed inside of me, the more I bucked my hips riding against his hand. Our lips met and he slipped his tongue into my mouth and I sucked on it.

Finally I reached the point where I couldn't take anymore. My body felt its release and I quivered as my muscles clenched around most of his hand. I took in a deep breath and fell back against the couch.

Kevin pulled away and wiped his hand on his jeans while I straightened out my sweatpants.

"So, Lauren, how about one of those blow jobs you're famous for?"

Jeez, Grabby won't even let me relish in the orgasm, before asking me to reciprocate. What a jerk! "It's getting a little late. You wouldn't want me missing curfew would you?" I asked innocently, batting my eyelashes in a very Bella Swanish fashion.

"I guess not but you're going to leave me with blue balls?"

"Kevin, really, you have two perfectly good working hands. You established that. Call me later this week. Just because you hear I'm easy doesn't mean I necessarily am."

I stood up and inconspicuously picked the wedgie that had formed.

"Lauren, I seriously cannot believe you're doing this to me. This could cause some serious damage."

I shrugged and made a phone signal with my hand. Grabbing my bag and keys, I kissed Kevin on the cheek before heading out the door. Always leave them wanting more.

My meeting with Mrs. Bold was pretty uneventful. She knew I was going to UW. Everyone knew that. She did suggest a few other schools to look into but I had my heart set on UW, as well as one particular student body at that school.

After much pestering from my friends, Friday finally came. I had arranged for the costumes to be delivered to my house and I would disperse them after school. Once the final bell rang, signaling our freedom for the next 48 hours or so, we each got in our respective cars and drove to my house.

My parents, per usual, were nowhere in sight. Having parents who work in real estate meant when the economy was good they were busy; when it was not, they were all over your shit. Thank goodness people were buying their little rustic weekend retreats out in the woods of the Olympic Peninsula.

We all gathered in the living room as I opened the box.

"Now ladies," I began, "I have personally selected each of your costumes. On top of that, I spoke with Brian yesterday, and the Port Angeles party came through. Next Saturday night, get ready for the craziest party ever. Aaron's parents are out of the country for like three weeks. His house will be keg central. Halloween is sacred so consider your costumes a gift from me. You can't say no. If you say no, I'll never talk to you again." I was half joking but I didn't want anyone chickening out on me.

Bella gave me a scowling look.

"I am kidding," I said with a laugh. "First off, Ms. Angela. Now remember the theme I picked is scary sexy. You'll be a sexy witch."

I showed her the costume which was reversible; she could be the good witch or the bad witch. Knowing Angela, she'd be the good witch.

"Your virginity is going to go from technical to non existent in that costume!" Jessica remarked with a smirk.

"Now, now let's not get snarky. Angela, you can wear it with tights if you think it's too short," I added. I might be a bitch but I was not one to hate on my own friends.

Jessica shook her head disapprovingly. I'll have to talk to her later.

Angela' s mouth was still gaping as she examined the costume until she finally found the words to speak. "This is what I am finally going to use to seduce Ben."

"What!" Jessica, Bella and I all exclaimed simultaneously.

"You both said you just knew when you were ready? Well, I feel more and more ready to take that next step with him. He just needs some encouragement. Me wearing this in public, well, I think it may do that," Angela explained.

"Wow! Angela, I really didn't expect that out of you," I said. My mouth was still agape.

"Me next, me next," Jessica cried out.

"Fine –"I took out Jessica's costume from the box. "You are going to be the sexy mummy."

"Lauren, there is nothing funny about teen pregnancy!" She replied back, her face completely deadpan.

"Jess, I said mummy, not mommy."

"Oh"

We all burst out laughing. Jessica examined the costume.

"Lauren, this is the best costume ever. I love you. We better be roommates next year," Jessica cried out. We embraced in a hug. I really loved Jessica, but I had a feeling I was going to kill her next year.

"Well, Bella, that leaves your costume and my costume."

"You reveal yours first. I really hate gifts. I guess that is something you guys should know about me by now. I hate gifts," Bella stammered out. While she had enjoyed watching Angela and Jessica find out their costume choices, I could tell she was freaked out about hers.

"That is fine. Yours is really cute, though. For me, I picked what seemed natural. I picked up my costume from the box and revealed the two-piece sexy devil costume. It was so fitting.

Angela spoke up first. "Wow Lauren! Where is the rest of it?"

"This is it."

"There's not much to that costume. It'll look great on you!"

"Thanks, now finally, Bella," I said, picking up the remaining costume from the box. "I thought the red in this costume would bring out the highlights in your hair."

As I finished laying out the costume, Bella's mouth and eyes widened as she stared at me in disbelief before I could even tell her the theme of her costume.

"Great face, Bella. I think that's the exact face Jason will want to see when you suck him off," quipped Jessica.

"Bella, that's a really cute costume. I think you're really going to make a scene at that party," Angela said, trying to comfort Bella, who was still in shock.

"Bella," I added, "You're going to make a very sexy vampire."

**Bella POV**

_Holy Crow! How did Lauren Mallory know? She doesn't know, at least not consciously. I cannot wear a vampire costume. It would be pretty much the definition of ironic. Didn't I say just a few months ago that I wanted to be a vampire? Well, not exactly what I had planned.__I must calm down. My friends are going to think I am a freak._

My friends were looking at me. They were confused, not sure if I was going to laugh or burst into tears. It was a pretty normal occurrence for me. Thankfully Lauren, Jessica and Angela were used to the highs and lows that I often fell into.

"This costume, Lauren, is great. Thank you." Using all of my will, I pulled myself together and attempted to look at this from a positive standpoint. Put on an act. You are a normal high school girl. Not the girl who fell for a vampire.

We talked - or as Jessica would say, we strategized - about the Halloween party. Angela was even joining in on the discussion. She was growing more and more excited at the prospect of driving Ben wild. It was really cute. The three of them gabbed on for quite sometime, but my mind wandered off to thoughts about my costume.

While I was very excited and scared all at the same time to wear that small stretch of fabric that Lauren considered a costume, my mind was focused on trying to figure out the whole doctor thing. The last thing I needed was for Renee to talk to Charlie about that and then have Charlie attempt to talk to me about lady parts and going to doctors. Talk about uncomfortable, especially with my date coming up on Saturday night.

"Guys, can I ask you something?" They all turned their eyes on me. I hated being the center of attention.

Angela was the first to reply. She was aware that I had been quieter when they were talking earlier. "Of course, Bella, what's up?"

"My mom wants me to see a doctor for my, uh, lady parts. Have any of you been?"

Angela shook her head no and Jessica looked over at Lauren. She was the most experienced. I knew she'd know.

'Well then," Lauren spoke up, "You could always ask Jason. His dad does specialize in lady parts. It could be a real Meet the Parents kind of experience for you."

"I don't think so. Do you see a doctor for your, uh, lady parts?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I see Dr. Broder. She's great and practices right here in Forks... I can give you her number, though I am sure Jason could pull some strings for you with his dad and get you in whenever you want depending on how your date goes this weekend."

That would go over well. Hey Jason, I need someone to take a look at my lady parts. Can your dad check me out? Ughh, so creepy. What if I actually met him and he was my doctor? Hey Bella, how heavy was your flow last month? Ughh what if he discussed his patients at the dinner table? These thoughts made me cringe.

Lauren provided me with the number on a sticky note. I'd call after school next week. That would appease Renee.

"Bella, I heard you have a date alone with Jason this weekend. Is it true?" Jessica asked in shock.

"Yeah, he called earlier in the week and when I finally called him back, he was very eager to hang out. I'm not sure what we're going to do, but he is driving down to Forks."

"What? Christian hasn't driven down for a date. It's always, 'Oh Jessica, there's so much to do in Port Angeles, come up here'."

"He is surprising me with something tomorrow night. I told him his options were shopping cart races at the Thriftway or going to the diner. Oh yes, I did leave out one option, watching Sports Center on the couch with Charlie."

We all laughed about the exciting nightlife options in this small town. Using dinner as an excuse, I left Lauren's to prepare dinner for Charlie and settle in for a night of college research, laundry and homework.

Intent on completing Mrs. Bold's assignment, I researched on colleges on the East coast. So far my search results had yielded distaste for the nation's capital and weariness of Philadelphia. I had liked New York University, Boston University, Cornell, and University of Maryland. Which, although it was close to Washington, DC had a very nice campus or at least appeared to based on the photographs. I still was not sure about going out east but the idea of an adventure and being out on my own excited me a little bit, perhaps more than I was ready to admit.

With my computer still on, I fired off a quick email to Renee.

_Mom,_

_I am so glad it's Friday. I have started my college search. Great news, I am focusing on schools on the East coast, so we'll be in the same time zone._

_The girls are getting really excited about Halloween. It's funny because I haven't really thought about that holiday since I was a little kid but now it's a big deal again. Remember when you used to take me to CVS and I took forever to pick out my costume? Lauren is dictating what we are all wearing. We have to dress around her theme. Well, we don't have to, but she is pretty convincing. We are all going in scary costumes._

_BTW, Lauren gave me the names of her doctor right here in Forks so no need to talk to Dad about this. Not much else new. Have a date tomorrow. Hope you are doing well. Send my love to Phil._

_Love you,_

_Bella_

I thought about my email to her. I didn't want her to know I was dressing up as a scantily clad vampire. I knew better than to give Renee the full story. Editing was good. I thought about my costume and went to my closet where I had hidden it from sight. I picked up the fangs and stuck them in my mouth. I went back to my desk and sent the email off to Renee, and then I did something I was not proud of. I went into my deleted files and found the email from JB_Rabbit. His words still stung a bit whenever I thought about them. I really had liked Jacob when I first moved here but did he have to say such mean things to me about my friends? What could I possibly say to him?

In my head, I drafted responses to Jake's email all night long and all day at work. As soon as my shift was over, I rushed home and opened my mail to stare at his email again. I was not sure whether to be mad at him or not. Surely he could think of a better way to apologize. I looked at the clock, 4:30. Jason would be here around 5:30 for our date. Better get ready and let the past be just that, the past.

I dressed casually in skinny jeans and a longer top with a v-neck. I stared down at my chest and opted to put on a push-up bra. Instead of putting on my comfortable converse sneakers, I chose a pair of ballet flats I had received from Alice over the summer. I hated to wear the things she had bought for me since each piece she had carefully selected for me only reminded me that she left without even saying goodbye. Just as I admired my own styling in the mirror, the doorbell rang. One last glance at myself in the mirror. Not bad, Swan, not bad at all.

Running down the stairs, I hoped to beat Charlie to the door. I failed. Charlie beat me. He had made it a point to come home early from fishing to meet my friend.

"Oh, you must be Jason. Please come in."

"Thanks, um, Mr. I mean, Chief Swan."

"Hey, Jason! You found the place okay?" I asked trying to intervene before Charlie began his police interrogation on Jason. "Dad, we really should go."

"Bella, it's okay. It's a pleasure to meet you, Chief Swan." Jason extended his hand out for Charlie to shake.

"So what do you two have planned for this evening?" Charlie asked as he shook Jason's hand.

"Well, sir, I was going to take Bella down to First Beach down in La Push for an evening picnic on the beach."

_Crap. I had forgotten to dress warm. Jason was wearing jeans and a fleece. He looked much warmer than I was._

"Oh!" I cried out. "I better get my coat then. I didn't realize we were going to be outside all night."

I ran back up to my room to get my coat. As I came down, I overheard Jason and Charlie talking. They had moved into the kitchen and could not see me eavesdropping.

"What kind of car do you drive, Jason? I see a lot of those teenagers in really lightweight cars that tend to flip over. Of course they probably flip because you teenage boys drive too fast."

"Actually, sir, my dad just bought me a new car. Well, used car, but its new to me. He wanted me to have something safer for college."

"What did you get?"

"I got a Volvo."

Charlie let out a groan. "Another Volvo driver? Let me guess a silver shiny sedan?"

I held my breath in disbelief. Had He sold his precious car? Was Jason driving His car? What were the odds. No, lots of people drive Volvos, but Jason did just get it. The timing seemed too coincidental.

"Actually no, sir, it's a dark blue station wagon."

I let out a sigh of relief and finished descending the stairs.

"I'm ready to go," I announced.

"Don't worry, Chief Swan, I'll take good care of Bella," Jason said as he turned to shake Charlie's hand again. He did not realize the irony of his words, though it did not escape Charlie or me.

Charlie growled. "I can't tell you the number of times I've heard that one, son. I have my deputies out tonight, so no funny business," he said, shaking his head.

We said our goodbyes to Charlie and headed out the front door. I was relieved that Jason's car was different from His.

As we drove along to the beach, we talked about our week at school, our friends and college applications. Jason didn't mention Charlie's comments about his car. We made small talk and he also asked me if I was going to be at Aaron's Halloween bash next weekend. He explained how it had a very exclusive guest list and then sarcastically remarked that pretty much every high school kid on the Olympic Peninsula was planning to be there, but only those with the best costumes would be allowed in.

"Bella, what's a beautiful girl like you going to this party as? A princess? A damsel in distress? An angel? A fairy?"

"Well, I think it's supposed to be a surprise, but Lauren picked out all of our costumes around the common theme of scary sexy. So think what you want from that. I like your costume ideas better than the ones she came up with. What about you? What are you dressing up as?"

"I cannot wait. I am going as Otter from Animal House. A bunch of guys from the lacrosse team are going as characters from the movie in the famous toga party scene."

"Animal House?"

"Bella, please tell me you've seen that movie?"

"No, not really. Are you guys really wearing togas?

"Well, we are trying to. It's really going to depend on whether or not our mom's let us use their sheets or not. If not, I've got a backup costume. This is going to be some crazy party."

"You know, I really am not a party type of person. I just let Lauren and Jessica drag me along so I'm not sitting at home like a zombie."

"You? Like Night of the Living Dead? I can't see it. So Bella, what was the deal with your dad and Volvo owners?"

Oh shit. "Well, my ex-boyfriend drove a Volvo. He was sort of known for it in Forks." I had never referred to him as my ex. In my heart, He was not my ex-anything, but there was no other way to describe him.

"Voluntarily? He drove a Volvo on his own accord?"

I thought fondly of the time we had spent in his car. His fast driving, feeling safe, and Him. Why couldn't I just forget? Why did the smallest thing bring back my memories of Him?

"Jason, can we not talk about Volvos? Please." I was relieved Jason focused on the car and not the ex-factor.

Our conversation lulled until we parked at the beach.

I opened my own door as Jason pulled out an old-fashioned picnic basket along with a blanket from the back seat. He met me on the passenger side and wrapped his free arm around my shoulders, and we walked down closer to the water. As we walked toward the beach at twilight, I tripped on a rock.

I caught myself and hoped that Jason didn't notice too much. Instead of looking what would be a picturesque view, I turned my to look at Jason.

"You okay over there?"

"I'm fine. Thanks."

After making our way to a spot with very few rocks, he laid out the blanket and we sat down. The beach was deserted except for us.

"This is really nice. I have never been down here with the sun setting," I said, softly.

"Thanks. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I am."

He reached into the bag and pulled out some sandwiches, chips, and two cans of soda. He handed me one of each and kept one for himself. I stared at him as he began eating.

"Is there anything overly interesting about me eating? Do I have something in my teeth?" He flashed a big grin.

"Oh no. Not at all. It's just I have not, um, been on a date where my date ate in a while. My ex had a, well, he had a special diet. I was always eating in front of him. It's nice to have company." There was no way to say that He drank animal blood and, oh yeah, was a vampire.

He smiled as I took a big bite out of my sandwich. Once we finished, we took a walk on the beach. He was careful to make sure I did not trip again. By the time we got back to the blanket, the stars were out. It was a clear night for once.

"Bella, do you know how to find the Big Dipper?"

"Sure, I always used to be able to see it in Phoenix."

We sat down. I sat in between Jason's legs and he wrapped his arms around me as we stared at the stars for awhile. At some point, we stopped watching the stars and he began kissing my neck. I turned my body so that my lips could find his.

The kissing started off softly and then intensified with our tongues jetting in and out of each other's mouths. Would I ever get used to the heat and the moistness of a French kiss? I was completely turned around facing him now. His hands moved down my jacket and found my breasts. He rubbed my mounds over my clothing before his busy hands quickly found their way under my jacket and then under my shirt. They felt cold on my skin and reminded me of Him and I let out a soft moan. Closing my eyes, I did not picture Jason touching me; I pictured Him.

His hands persisted on my breasts. I was unsure what to do next. Should I touch him? I decided to mimic his movements and began to caress his pectoral muscles through his shirt. He stopped, grabbed my hand and placed it on the bulge in his jeans . His movement brought me back to reality. This was Jason, not Him.

"Stroke it," he whispered.

He took my hand in his and began to stroke his crotch, showing me what he liked. Once I started to get the pace, he let go of my hand and moved his hand back underneath my shirt.

I continued to stroke him through his jeans. It twitched and he bucked his hips toward mine. Without asking, he undid his jeans, took his penis out, and placed it in my hands.

"That is so much better," he said as he went back to kissing me.

Oh my. I am touching a penis. Jason took his hand over mine and began to stroke it up and down. Once I got the rhythm, he took his hand off of mine. As I stroked him harder, his moaning intensified. My own panties began to get wet; I was really turned on by the power my hand yielded in pleasing him.

"Harder, Bella!"

I moved my hand up and down harder and faster. My fingers grazed his tip. It was moist.

"I am going to…" Jason pulled away from me. He came on the beach.

After he was finished, he cleaned himself up with his undershirt. "That was amazing, Bella," he said breathlessly. "Do you want me to reciprocate?" he said to me in between kisses. His warm lips brought me back to reality.

What just happened? Whoa! I am not ready for that. Not yet. I was still in shock at what I had just done. If Jason's skin had not felt so cold, I did not think I could have done that.

"No, it's okay. I'm actually getting a little cold. Can we head back?"

"Sure."

As Jason drove us back to Forks, I thought about what had just happened. I could not help but compare Jason to Him. Jason was so open and relaxed. Making out with him these past few weeks was different, but tonight the coldness in his skin felt right.

Maybe it was seeing the stars tonight and getting lost in them because I knew one thing was for sure: I was more confused about Jason now than I ever had been.

Before I realized it, we were in front of my house.

"Bella, I had a really amazing time. You are so incredible. The way you, well, you know, it was mind blowing."

"It was a lot of fun"

"Can I call you later this week?"

"Sure."

"I will see you at Aaron's party?"

"You won't be able to miss me."

With that we kissed goodnight lightly on the lips. I opened my door, thanked him again for a great date and headed back inside. Despite my painfully ironic costume, I was excited for Halloween or at least the chance to spend more time with Jason. I was still not sure if I really liked him or if I just liked knowing I could please him.

**A/N: So, do not hate me on the email thing. Technology can be pretty fickle. Don't blame me, blame the Hotmail junk mail algorithms. **

**I did do some research into costumes. Please click on the links at your own risk. Links are in my bio.**


	11. Chapter 11: Sour Cherry

_**Chapter 11: Chapter 11: Sour Cherry**_

**A/N: First, thank you all so much for the reviews and adding me to your favorites. It brings out my inner Sally Field: You like me. You really, really like me. Needless to say, I am flattered beyond belief.** **Thanks again for reading!**

**I was nominated for two Faithful Shipper Award -****Best Fiction You Stumbled Upon****and****Best 'Under The Radar' Fiction****. Please vote for me at:****.****.**

**Huge thanks go out to Stephanie, my beta extraordinaire, the ladies of Project Team Beta, Isabel Grace, my twi-pal, and SassyGeminiMom, my validation Beta.**

**I own nothing Twilight. I do own a kick ass leather jacket I bought in Italy (in a town right near Volterra)!**

**Song-spiration for this chapter is: Sour Cherry by the Kills because it just makes me feel like a bad girl.**

_**shout when you wanna get off the ride**__  
__**shout when you wanna get off the ride**__  
__**cos it crossed my mind**__  
__**it crossed my mind**__  
__**I'm a penny in a diamond mine**__  
__**we could be movers**__  
__**we could be shakers**__  
__**if we could just shake something out of the blue**__  
__**and get off the ride**__  
__**now I'm the only sour cherry on the fruit stand, right ?**__  
__**go home, it's over..**_

_**- The Kills**_

**Bella POV**

After my date with Jason, Jacob's email still loomed on my mind. It bothered me that I cared so much but not enough to send him a scathing response. How would Lauren react? I wish I could say something cool and witty but my mind came up blank, so I ignored it and did nothing.

The week before Halloween flew by; school was a blur. I was relieved that my days were filled with activity to keep my mind off of my emotions. The biggest thrills of my week were dishing to the girls about my date and letting Mrs. Bold know which schools I would be submitting applications. She agreed that New York University, Boston University, University of Maryland and Cornell were all schools I could not only get into but would be interested in having me. Despite all of them having the reputation for being highly competitive, those schools rarely received applicants from Forks, Washington, and, therefore,I had a good chance of getting in.

Charlie was a little sad that I wanted to go so far away from him, and when I told him my choices, tears welled up in his heavy brown eyes. "Bella, you have taken care of your mother and now me. I couldn't be happier that you want to do something for yourself."

I really regretted those summers I chose not to go and see him and felt guilty for not spending time with him. He really was a great father. I felt bad for concealing my true plans for Saturday night, but if he saw what I was wearing out to the party, he would send me to a convent.

Lauren said I was spending the night at her house and that was the story Charlie knew. It was completely true, of course; we were sleeping at Lauren's, but before that we would be up in Port Angeles. Morally, it was a grey area. I hated these grey areas but even if I weren't DD, I would make sure we got there and back safely despite our costumes.

Even though Charlie was at the Black's house watching a game before his shift started, I packed my costume at the bottom of my overnight bag and stuffed my pajamas over it, along with some fresh clothes for tomorrow and my toiletry bag. Jumping in my truck, I made the now familiar drive to Lauren's house. As I drove, I thought about how much my life had changed in just over a month.

I could make it through the day now. I was learning to have fun and experiencing teenage emotions. It was hard to believe but I was acting... normal. Jason... I wanted to feel something with him. Our date had been nice. He was a nice guy but I knew deep down I was just going through the motions. I was resolved to believe that he was no love of my life, but he was good company, at least for now. Even though I would never admit it to anyone, even Lauren, I knew deep down, I was still hoping I would get a happy ending in my life. It was never going to come though. Dreams of Prince Charming returning were just fairy tales. This was real life; things like that didn't happen. Of course, vampires were not supposed to be real either.

The act I put on was slowly becoming natural and only I knew the truth, that I was still miserable, but why inflect my misery on those around me. Walking up to the Mallory's front door, I promised myself that tonight I would put on my happy face and be the best vampire I could be. It was the closest I would ever get to being like Him. Ugh the irony.

**Lauren POV**

As I brushed one last bit of powder on Bella's pale skin, I surveyed my masterpieces in the mirror. We looked smoking hot! All of our faces were super pale, it reminded me of the Cullens' skin. We all had dark vampy style lipstick and just looked all over hot.

"So Angela, Ben is meeting you over there and you don't mind being designated driver?"

Angela shook her head. "No problemo. Ben is heading up there with Eric, Tyler, and Newton."

"I wasn't planning to drink either and can drive back if you want?" Bella stated with a smile as she looked over my work in the mirror.

Angela replied, "Thanks for the offer, Bella. Let's figure it out when we leave the party, but its nice to know I won't be the only sober one wrangling these two in. Ben mentioned something about wanting to drive me back since he should have room in Newton's Suburban."

Jessica made a puking motion. "Ugh! I hate Newton. I hate his car. For someone so into nature, he really does drive a massive gas guzzler. I can't wait to see him when he sees me in this and I'm all over Christian." She motioned to her very revealing outfit.

I shook my head at Jessica. "I may be the devil, but you, girl, are diabolically evil! I love it."

I looked around the room. We would be crashing here once we got back. My parents were out at some dinner party. As had become their habit, they would be in a wine-induced coma by the time we got back. After they took a long weekend a few months ago to Sonoma, they were obsessed with doing wine tastings with their friends. Brett and I both knew it was just an excuse for them to get drunk. Really wine all tastes the same to me whether its from a bottle or box. Personally I preferred the Bartles & James wine coolers that the guys would sometimes get for us. I wonder if Aaron got a keg for tonight?

We all threw on coats, which we'd leave in the car ,so that we were not riding around in our costumes. The last thing we needed was for some trucker hauling timber to go off the road from getting a glance at us. I hated being ogled in the car; it made me feel dirty but hot at the same time. The drive to Port Angeles was completely mundane. We talked a lot about colleges. I really admired that Bella was applying to schools back east. Part of me was jealous that she was going to have this adventure into the unknown, whereas my own college career was perfectly mapped out for me. It was comforting to know my future but it was also anti-climatic, which lately was indicative of most of my life.

By the time we made the drive up to Aaron's massive house, the party was already in fully swing. The thumping of the bass could be heard from the street. Aaron tended to host a lot of parties. His dad had owned a logging company, but it had been shut down due to issues with the spotted owl. Supposedly, Aaron's dad got a huge amount of money when the parent company sold the division to some foreigners. It was not only a big scandal for the Olympic Peninsula, but it also made national news.

"This party better not get busted by the police. My dad thinks I'm at your house tonight!" cried Bella.

"No worries. The police tend to look the other way when it's the star athletes having the fun," I explained.

We did our ritual lap through the house. The place was packed. I saw most of Port Angeles High School, a good portion of Sequim, a few guys who must be from one of the reservations and our little group from Forks. Angela and Ben found one another as did Jessica and Christian. Bella and Jason seemed to be getting cozy as well. I went in search of beer but only found Newton in a puffy pirate shirt attempting to do a sorry excuse for a keg stand.

"Hey dip shit, you suck at keg stands. Let a pro show you how it's done," I shouted at him. A few of the guys who were watching him encouraged him to stop.

"Little Miss Can't Be Wrong, you know you are going to show everyone your underwear," the annoying ex of my best friend replied.

"Bloomers!" I shrieked as I flashed my skirt up.

Shooing people away so I had enough room, I prepared for my keg stand. Jeff used to be the one to hold my feet at parties during his senior year- I was corrupted at an early age. As my hands went down on the keg, two guys I didn't recognize grabbed my feet and placed the tap in my mouth. The beer began to flow into my mouth; I was drinking a lot of it but my top did get a fair amount as well. I was on top of the keg for what seemed to be five minutes, though I am sure it was not that long, Once I finally made contact again with the floor, it took me a few seconds to get my bearings. As I looked up, I saw someone who was proving to be just as annoying as Newton. Chip. Not only had he called incessantly wanting to talk, he sent emails too!

Oh shit! Chip just found me. Retreat, retreat, retreat!

I couldn't make a quick getaway.

"Lauren, you look... wow. Just wow."

"Well, Chip, for a guy who likes to talk so much, you sure are at a loss of words."

"That's a smoking costume. Like mine?"

Chip was dressed as a character from Star Wars. "It's real original," I said, hoping he sensed the annoyance and sarcasms in my voice.

Before he replied, Kevin wandered over to check in on me. Sweet. He was dressed as Mr. Incredible from the Incredibles. He wrapped his hands around my waist and kissed my neck.

"Nice tights." I whispered in his ear, as I licked his earlobe.

"What an appropriate costume. If it's not the devil herself. Oh, hey Chip. Wassup? Obi Wan, you are only hope." Kevin gave a head nod to his acquaintance.

"I'm Anakin Skywalker, not Obi Wan," Chip protested.

Kevin and I both looked at him like he had a penis growing out of his forehead. Chip got the hint and walked away shaking his head.

"Sorry about that. You Port Angeles boys tend to worship the devil," I said, moving my hand down my body to rest on my hip.

"Well, if my own personal hell is having blue balls for almost an entire week, then you're definitely Satan in the flesh."

"Oh, Kev, I'm so sorry about that," I replied as I flirtatiously put my hand on his chest. I was not sorry. I tried not to laugh.

"Make it up to me tonight then!" he whispered into my ear.

I pulled away from him. "Later. Lets see your dance moves first!"

We made our way to the makeshift dance floor where he grabbed me and started grinding up on me to the thump of the music, "Gold Digger". As we danced we also made out. Our lips pressed against one another and we hardly came up for air. We danced and groped for awhile. I was lost in my thoughts of being one of the hottest girls on the dance floor. The other girls at the party were definitely giving me the up and down look. Go ahead, call me a slut. Whores. I ignored them. Let them gawk. After several songs - all had similar bass thumping that made grinding up on one another appropriate - and several beers, my defenses were lowered; I was completely numb.

Kevin led me upstairs, explaining that Aaron was one of his closest friends as we entered the last available bedroom. I sprawled out on the bed as he closed and locked the door. We were in Aaron's room. His comforter on the bed was the same one that Jeff had in his room. I turned my head away from Kevin as I became overwhelmed with my own emotions. Don't think about him. He broke your heart. He took your virginity and left. He got what he needed from you. Now take what you need from this guy. Get yours.

Kevin walked over to the bed and raised his eyebrow.

"Lauren, where did you go?"

I looked back at him, realizing he was not Jeff, and shook my head. "What do you mean? I'm right here." I settled back into my she-devil being broken. Be the vixen.

"Want to start off where we left off the other night?"

His costume made it all too obvious he was ready, willing and able. I stared down at his visibly erect penis through his costume and licked my lips.

"Let's go. Strip, Mr. Incredible, and let the devil do her work!"

Kevin quickly disrobed. Apparently Mr. Incredible freeballs it! I inched myself off the bed and dropped to my knees. I took his dick in my hand and brought it between my breasts and then slipped it underneath the band of my costume. It looked like a hotdog in a bun. I moved up and down, and Kevin moaned. What guys had deemed titty fucking did absolutely nothing for me but my experience was that guys loved having their dicks between girls' breasts. As his tip inched toward my face, I bent down and gave it a quick lick.

Kevin moaned even louder. Thank goodness the music was loud at the party below us.

"The stories are true. You're a total porn star." Gee, thanks, just what every girl wants to hear.

I did not like being called a porn star. Was I skilled at the sexing? Yes. Was I a working professional? No. The San Bernadino Valley was not in my near future. I slipped him out of my costume's top and began to take him in my mouth.

I twisted my tongue up and down and I moved my hands along with my tongue. With each lick, he moaned. I loved having this much power over men. At that moment, with him in my mouth, I owned him completely. As much as Jeff hurt me, having this power over them somehow made me feel better about myself. I continued to move my mouth in and out and alternated my hands, pumping him. He was getting close; I could tell as I licked some pre-cum from his tip. I pulled away before he could come close to reaching a climax.

"Lauren, what the fuck? I'm so close!"

"My turn! Grab a condom, bitch," I said, flopping myself on the bed next to Kevin.

""You are the devil," he cried. He started looking around for a condom. His costume did not have any pockets, so it was apparent he did not have any. Instead, he began fumbling around the Aaron's drawers.

"Hurry, I'm getting bored," I sighed as I began picking imaginary dirt from under my nails.

"Aha! Score!", he said, holding up the square package from Aaron's night table. He grabbed the condom and put it on. As he was prepping, I got off the bed, still fully dressed. I could not screw him on a bed that reminded me so much of Jeff's bed. Instead, I leaned my hands against Aaron's computer chair, letting my ass stick up in the air.

"Come on, Mr. Incredible. Earn your name!"

Kevin came from behind me and moved the think band of my built in bloomers to one side. I was dripping wet with anticipation. Kevin's hands began exploring my body as he moved in closer to me. He slid his sheathed dick into me and began to push against me. Hard. I pushed back. His hands found my ass and he gave me light slap. Our movements practically mimicked our moves on the dance floor. As he pushed further, his hand found my breasts and began to cup them. His pelvis started to thrust a few times and I leaned back on him. You can do it put your back into it. I can do it put your ass into it. It felt okay but not great. Kevin started to tense up inside of me. He held onto me tighter. Shit.

"Lauren, I am so – ugh! Did you have one too?"

"Not this time, hun, but I guess I owed you. See you around." Standing up, I straightened out my bloomers.

Kevin stood in place in Aaron's bedroom, dumbfounded and naked watching me as I bounced. I checked myself out in the mirror in the ! I looked freshly fucked, I thought as I adjusted my skirt and head back to the party. In my attempt not to be labeled a cocktease, I had repaid the favor and was no longer beholding to anyone. Maybe it was the continuous hookups, but as I left the room, one thought came to my mind: done. I was so fucking done.

**Bella POV**

We arrived at the party after a shorter than normal car ride to Port Angeles. Lauren made us do our requisite lap around the house, and I quickly found Jason, who was dressed up as a doctor. Wasn't he supposed to be dressed up like an otter? He was pretty wowed by my costume but so were a lot of the other guys at the party. I felt very exposed all night.

"Wait, weren't you supposed to be dressed up as an otter?" I asked him, confused.

"Oh, no that's Otter. He's a character in Animal House. None of our moms would let us use their sheets for our costumes, so we recycled last year's costumes. Hope you don't mind doctors."

"I spend a lot of time with them. Have you seen me try to walk?"

"True. Want to try dancing instead?"

"Jason, really, I can't dance unless you're really trained as a doctor. I have a tendency to hurt myself, especially when I dance." Except when I danced with him.

"Just watch me. It's just moving your hips back and forth, and from what I recall, you were pretty good at doing that." He was so forward tonight, not the gentleman he was on our date last week.

I blushed as I tried to protest but he would not let me. Instead, I found myself in the middle of the makeshift dance floor. Lauren was also dancing with some guy dressed in a superhero costume, but Angela and Jessica were no where in sight. Jason grinded into me hard. His actions solidified my feelings that his useful life as a rebound was quickly expiring. It was like he was a different person tonight. Must be the alcohol, I thought . He was well into his fourth drink when I had arrived.

The first slow song of the night came on, "You and Me" by Lifehouse, and Jason, who had me swaying back and forth, was quickly interrupted by a guy dressed like a shower tapping him on the shoulder to cut in. All I could see was an arm reach out because the guy in the shower costume was concealed with the curtain closed. Jason was not too happy about relinquishing me to a mysterious bathroom fixture but he was suddenly easily distracted by a ghost passing out Jell-o shots.

I was not pleased that not only was I dancing, or attempting to, but I was doing so with someone I did not know. I had to give the guy props for his original but somewhat familiar costume. The costume made dancing pretty awkward, so the shower put his arms on my shoulders to sway us back and forth.

It took me a while before I realized that this guy's costume was an exact replica from The Karate Kid. "Nice costume."

"Thanks, want to come inside the shower so you can figure out who it is?"

"Did Mr. Miyagi help you make your costume?"

"Very funny, Bella."

"So you know me?" I asked as I tried to peak over the curtain to see who it was but the person inside was much taller than me.

"We go way back."

I opened up the curtain and peeked inside,I realized it was none other than Jacob Black. With the mystery solved, I stepped inside and closed the curtain quickly.

"What are you doing here?"

"We heard it was going to be a good party. Quitilutes never miss out on a good party."

"Who else is here?"

"Embry, Quil, Paul, we even got Leah to come out."

"Who?"

"I'll have to introduce you. Did you get my email? I really am sorry, Bella."

"What brought on this sudden surge of maturity to apologize?" Had he grown in the week since I had last seen him? He looked taller.

"My sisters. I talked to them this week and they yelled at me about you. Though looking at you know, I may have been right."

"Hey, Lauren says Halloween is the only time it's okay for a girl to dress like this."

"It's never okay for you to dress like this, Bella."

"Why not?"

"It's just not okay. The way guys are looking at you. It's like you are something for them to eat. Come on, I want to introduce you to the rest of my friends."

"Wait! I'm kind of here with..." I looked over to see Jason dancing very close to a redhead girl in a very provocative nurses costume. She sort of reminded me of Victoria. They looked cozy. "What the heck?"

"You sure know how to pick them, Bella!"

"Thanks, Jake. Let's just go meet your friends. I really don't care." Truth was I didn't.

Still hidden within the shower, I followed out to the deck where his friends were hanging out. The air was crisp and my lack of clothing only perpetuated it.

I made my way out of Jake's costume and was greeted by Quil and Embry, whom I had met previously. I also saw a few people who had taken the SATs with me. The one girl who was with them was a tall beautiful girl with similar coloring to Jake.

"Wow, Vampire girl in the flesh."

"Hi, I'm Bella. Like my costume?" I asked, playing off what I was wearing and hoping she was not referring to my previous relationship.

"I know who you are. It's quite appropriate." She was wearing a tight t-shirt that said Boo Humbug and a pair of jeans.

Jake spoke up. "Just ignore Leah. She has issues."

For the rest of the night, I stayed outside and talked with Jake and his friends, even though Leah was cold and the temperature wasn't much warmer. For some reason, Jacob and his friends provided a lot of warmth and I didn't even notice the chill in the October air. When he was with his friends, Jake was very different. He was different than he had been with me at Charlie's house, almost enjoyable to hang around.

I didn't realize how much time had passed when Angela came outside to get me and told me that she had quite an evening, telling me that she would explain during the car ride home, insisting that she drive. During the hour long drive, I learned how everyone else had spent their night. Lauren learned that Kevin, who was Mr. Incredible, did not live up to his costume. She went down on him and then she let him do her. Over-share! TMI! Did not need to know all of these details. Truth was I always felt uncomfortable when she over-shared but I was also curious about the physical stuff I had not done yet. Jessica and Christian consummated their relationship several times in bedrooms upstairs for most of the party. Luckily, Jessica spared us all of the details.

"Don't worry; I was safe. I am not ready to be a mummy." Jessica joked and we groaned in response.

Angela told us about her night as she drove us home. Her eyes sparkled as she recounted how she and Ben had made love for the first time. They had talked about it all week but nothing was certain. I could not imagine losing my virginity at such a crazy party. Apparently, he found her enchanting. I was a little surprised to hear that Angela took such a big step, but she and Ben had been together since last year and were very close. Angela said that Ben had claimed Aaron's parents room and had candles and flowers on the bed for her. I was now officially the only virgin left in the car, though everyone else thought differently.

My friends asked about Jason and what had happened with him.

"Well, we were dancing and then Jake cut in but I did not know that I knew him. Jake is my dad's best friend's son, Jacob Black. He lives out in La Push. So we started dancing and talking. When we were done, I turned around to find Jason dancing close with a redhead in a nurses costume."

"Did she have big boobs?" Lauren asked.

"Yeah."

"Pretty but only from far away, sort of a butterface?" She asked again.

"I think so. I didn't pay that much attention to her."

"Lisa Ralston. I hate that bitch. She called me a slut. The nerve of her calling me a slut. She got caught sleeping with her teacher last year and earlier in the semester she slept with half of Sequim's basketball team."

"Well, she and Jason looked like they were having a good time. It's okay, though. Really, it is."

I told them the truth that I was only lukewarm on him and, although we had a great date, he had served his purpose as a rebound. After seeing him dancing with someone else and not even feeling a slightly bit jealous, I knew my feelings for him were as a friend only and nothing romantic. Maybe it was time for someone else. Lauren and Jessica were quite pleased by this news.

"Bella, it's not that we didn't think Jason was a nice guy. Cause he's a nice guy, but after a few weeks of hanging out, ehh, time to move on. Especially if he can be interested in Lisa the same time he is interested in you. So, what's the deal with you and the shower curtain guy?" Lauren asked. She really did not miss a thing.

"Jake?"

"Yes, him. What's the deal?" she asked again.

"Wait, wasn't he at the beach last year?" asked Angela.

"Yeah, that was him."

"Oh! That guy? He has grown. Damn!" shouted Jessica.

"Bells, he's kind of hot. What's the age of consent in Washington?" Lauren teased.

"He's still a bit immature but he's a nice guy."

"Who cares if he is nice? Those muscles – yum! That guy is a fox. I would totally get with a guy like that, regardless of age," Lauren howled.

The rest of the ride was spent singing along to the radio. The local station was playing cheesy Halloween hits. I really did not like "Werewolves of London".

I propped my head up on my pillow. My ears were still ringing from the music of the party. The night was a blur, for someone who did not like parties that much, I could not believe the evening was so enjoyable yet so tiring. It was a relief when we finally pulled into the Mallory's driveway.

Checking the clock next to Lauren's bed, it read 4 AM. Damn, too early to head home. I put my head back down and closed my eyes. My mind wandered to Jacob. He was a lot of fun last night. What happened with Jason? Maybe it was just the alcohol but he didn't even try to find me. I wonder if he hooked up with that nurse?

The next day after Lauren's mom whipped up some chocolate chip waffles, I headed back home. As I sat down at my desk to finish up my homework, I looked at my computer and then thought of Jake's unanswered email.

I quickly turned the computer on and dialed up to the internet. Charlie really needed to upgrade. I did not ask for much, but a cell phone and high speed Internet were two things that I thought would benefit us both. Especially if I was going so far away for college next year.

I looked at Jake's email in my deleted files folder. It was still there. I opened it and began to type up my reply.

Jake,

I know my friends are not ideal but they have helped me a lot. It was great to see you last night. I enjoyed meeting most of your friends. Apology accepted.

Bella

Short and sweet. I began looking through the rest of my inbox. Nothing new. More information from various colleges and universities. I quickly checked my junk mail folder in case anything else accidentally got sent there. Looking down at the sender names, nothing looked too familiar. Checking my inbox one last time for any news from Renee, I opened a new browser and continued to do further research on colleges.

I wonder what the annual cloud coverage is for large cities on the East coast? It was hard to believe it, but on average New York City only had eight days of clear skies per month. That was not Forks' weather but it was also not Florida sunshine. I wonder if I can find them? Instinctively, I typed in his name into the search window and hit return. No new results. Trying the rest of the family yielded the same. Would I ever find a trace of them? I knew He was out there. I could not mourn a relationship knowing He was out there and not really gone. Leaving my computer connected, I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

Why couldn't I just move on? Why did every thought, every action, every conversation, everything come back to him? Did He think about me at all? Did He miss me at all? Did it even matter?

Hugging myself on my bed, I could feel myself slipping back to the dark place I had been in after He had comforting as it was to feel a familiar emotion, I did not want to go back to being that person anymore. I did not know who I wanted to be and how I wanted to act, but I wanted to be the one to define who I was and what I did. Not some boyfriend, not my friends, not my parents, and not Jacob Black. Me, Bella Swan. I just wished I could believe myself.

I wish I knew if I could ever let him go.

**A/N: Thanks again for reading! If you like this fic, please vote for me! I was nominated for two Faithful Shipper Award -****Best Fiction You Stumbled Upon****and****Best 'Under The Radar' Fiction****. Please vote for me at:****.****.****(link in my profile as well)**

**So let me know what you think of this chapter and tell me what you plan to be for Halloween. I keep thinking of being Mrs. Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Its an easy costume - white button down black crop pants, black flats, a Cleopatra/page boy wig, one of those fake blood capsules for under my nose and some flour. Now if only I can convince my husband to go as Vincent Vega... Unless I can convince him to do the Edward Cullen thing, either way it sure beats the year he went as Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo, from South Park.**

**More costumes in my profile!**


	12. Chapter 12: Losing My Religion

Chapter 12: Chapter 12: Losing My Religion

**AN: I do not own the Twi, if I did I would be writing Midnight Sun and capitalizing on the success of this franchise as much as possible.**

**The medical stuff in this chapter is kept very general and high level because I am not a doctor, I do not play one on tv, and its fiction, despite my best efforts to keep it as accurate as possible. Also, the doctor is made up. I did look up the fine doctors of Forks Hospital, but decided to yield to fiction. As always any movies, television shows, or music discussed by the characters is checked to make sure that it was around in early to mid November 2005. Yes, I even checked DVD release dates.**

**Huge thanks to Isabel Grace, for allowing me to bbm her with ideas, Poo235 and my new PTB Lisa, for reading through this and telling me where commas should go.**

**Sorry for the delay in posting this, my desktop had a nasty virus and is still a bit wonky.**

_But that was just a dream  
That was just a dream  
That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no I've said too much  
I haven't said enough  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try_

_But that was just a dream  
That was just a dream_

_-R.E.M_

**Lauren POV**

Time started flying after Halloween. Jessica, Angela, Bella and I were all too engrossed in our own college applications to worry about much of anything else. Even the made up drama that was part of high school seemed to be put by the wayside as everyone was focused on their futures. When Jeff and Brett were going through this, it never appeared to be a big deal since they took it all in stride. Now that I was going through it, I could not comprehend their calmness throughout this entire process. I considered a day a success if I only broke down in tears once. Needless to say, that last thing I needed was drama in my life, even if I usually thrived on that shit.

As the days became shorter and colder, the countdown until Thanksgiving began. My parents decided that they wanted some warmth and my mom missed her parents, so the Mallorys were heading down to Florida for four glorious days. When they first told me their plans, I was really excited. Jeff was supposed to be in Florida with his parents, too. Brett, ever the buzz kill, corrected my assumption. Jeff was going to be up north, in Tampa, and I would be spending my vacation south, in glorious Boynton Beach, aka grandparent capital of the world. I loved going down there to work on my tan and to see my grandparents. Though, I had not been down to Florida for a while and I was looking forward to the sunshine. Beaches were still beaches, regardless of whether or not they were filled with old people wearing socks and sandals. I was more than happy to be working on my tan. If I didn't do something soon, I could start wearing the same shades of makeup Bella wears.

My grandparents were pretty cool, too. Nana and Poppy, as I called my mom's parents, were still going strong, even at 84. They went to the gym once a week, Nana took tap dancing lessons, and Poppy still did the same exercises that he had done when he was in the Air Force. Nana also loved to tell stories about her wild teenage years. Nana was a bit of a player and loved to talk about the line of gentleman callers who used to line up every week to ask her father permission to take her out. She had told me on a number of occasions she would only go out with boys who had cars. Lately Nana had enjoyed hearing about my boy stories, as well, and told me that, "when you find the right one to hang on to him." Whenever she said that, I always responded the same way: "You know me, Nana, I'd use a kung-fu grip."

My own love life was now nonexistent. After my evening with Mr. Incredible, I was done with guys, at least for awhile. The nonstop hookups, the constant shifting from one guy to the next, like an ape swinging from vines in the jungle, had become old. As much as I loved being the center of attention and feeling special and wanted, my focus needed to be on getting into UW. It wasn't that my grades sucked or that I completely bombed the SATs, I just wanted to make sure I did this right. As guaranteed as my admission was, Jeff had taught me that there are no guarantees in life. I was doing fine with my life of celibacy, though my hormones were not happy at first with my little sabbatical, but apparently Angela stole my mojo.

With her virginity gone, so was the innocent Angela that we all knew. She and Ben found every excuse they could to be together. We all understood why she was blowing us off, as the two were now inseparable. They were planning to go to college together. I would be lying if I said I was not jealous. In fact, I was hunter green with envy. They were both looking at smaller schools up and down the west coast. Their key requirement was that they go together. It was so sweet it gave me a toothache. It was so Angela, or rather Bengela, as we now called them, and when I said we, I meant me. Everyone else followed suit.

Jessica and I still had our sights set on UW. It was a given for both of us. As for her and Christian, they were still going pretty strong. He really liked her and not because she was easy, though I am sure that didn't hurt. Their relationship was a bit easier to stomach since she and Christian were doing the distance thing. When Jessica and Newton had paired up last spring, it was bad enough that I actually went after Tyler. If she, too, were parading her relationship in front of me, I would have to poke my own eyes out.

Jessica's relationship was palatable for me, but not everyone was cool with it. Apparently when Newton saw them together at Aaron's house, he got so mad at how happy she was, he punched a wall and broke his hand. Of course, the king of the dipshits was too drunk to realize it at the time. The next day, he woke up with it swollen and finally went to the hospital to have it set. It was a pretty bad break, thus throwing away his chances of playing basketball for the entire season. Once again, Newton's idiocy set off a chain reaction. Usually during basketball season, Mike's parents gave him time off from working so he could focus on his game; however, now that he was not playing he had to work. This meant that poor Bella had no respite from him as she had initially thought. With hunting season complete and winter being slow for camping anyway, for camping, Bella was given less hours since Newton, the prodigal son of camping equipment, got first pick at the schedule.

With Angela and Jessica both happily paired up and Bella working less hours at Newton's, Bella and I had become much closer as friends. We spent our afternoons working on our admissions essays. She and Jason were officially done. When I asked her about what happened at Aaron's on Halloween, she would just shrug and say, "he was a doctor and he should go with a nurse. Vampires and doctors do not mix." She, then, muttered something about the Cullens. I thought she was talking about Dr. Cullen, but when I pried further, she just shook her head. I wasn't sure what she said, but if she was comparing Dr. Hotness with Jason, there was no comparison. Dr. Cullen could give me an internal any day. It's a shame he took that job in LA. Oh well, the rest of the Cullen kids all seemed pretty stuck up. Considering how fucked up Bella was, if I ever saw Edward, I would probably punch him in the neck.

Bella rarely spoke of them out loud; in fact, she seemed to avoid any mention of them if possible. Occasionally, she would mutter things under her breath about them, but I could never hear what she was saying and, thus, I tried not to pay too much attention. It was abundantly clear that she was still very sad and hurt, but anger was definitely layered on top of that feeling. I knew because I remembered feeling that way before I gave myself unto my hormones.

One afternoon, before Bella's big gynecologist appointment, we were chilling in my room after school when she finally confided in me. We were watching _Sex and the City_ episodes because at lunch earlier that day, when we were talking about Newton and his panty-wearing issues, Jessica referred to it as the big pink velvet elephant in the room. Somehow Jessica's use of the phrase started a shit storm of conversation topics which led to _Sex and the City_. We were all discussing the show, except Bella. She had never seen it and since I had the DVD of most of the seasons, she came over to watch it so we could include her in the conversations. Later, when we were discussing who in our group was most like each of the characters. It was pretty obvious I was a Samantha. Bella was torn between being Carrie and Charlotte. During one of the racy Samantha sex scenes, I looked over at Bella who was blushing. When she saw me looking at her, she just blurted it out.

"Lauren, I'm still a virgin."

Wait, come again? What'd she just say? "What? Didn't you and Edward consummate your relationship? Bump uglies?"

"No!" she said with a laugh.

"You guys were like peas and carrots. It was sickening to be around. Trust me, why'd you think I hated you so much?"

"I know. I know that is how it seemed, but things aren't always how they appear."

"What do you mean?"

"He was really old-fashioned. We never..."

"Well, slap my ass and call me Pappy. I never saw that one coming. Really?"

She laughed again. "Yeah, wouldn't want to spoil me." She smirked.

"How old-fashioned?"

"Kissing. We just kissed. "

Well, she did it. Bella Swan had found a way to shut me up. I paused for a few moments as I tried to pick my jaw off the floor. "Wow! So what you did with Jason?" She had told me about their heavy petting.

"Kind of the farthest I have gone, but don't tell the others, especially Jessica."

"My lips are sealed."

If she was going to share such a closely guarded secret, I felt I should do the same. I felt she needed to know. I had wanted to tell her, but I knew she looked up to me for guidance.

"Bella, I have a confession too."

"What?"

"I have decided to take a break from hooking up with guys. I'm feeling a bit like a ragdoll lately. With the stress of getting my college applications out and packing for Florida, I really do not need to be all up on my game. You know?"

She nodded. Bella was becoming one of my best friends. I would have to put in some extra time with Jessica though; she could get jealous so quickly and I would hate for her to turn on Bella. Girl drama was not what I needed right now and Jessica had seen _Mean Girls_ one too many times.

After Bella left, I thought about our conversation. I was floored by Bella's confession. It was strange that she never said his name, just "he." It was sort of scary how she could not bring herself to say his name and she barely spoke about his family. She would mutter things, but she never openly talked about it. When things ended with Jeff, it was all I could talk about, analyzing everything, breaking down every conversation to look for clues on what had gone wrong. With Bella, she never willingly shared, at least not until today. Everything going on with her was internal.

It was disappointing how quiet she was. I was always curious to actually know more about the strange yet beautiful Cullen family. Despite his movie star good looks, Edward was really old-fashioned and had barely laid a hand on her. So much for my assumptions. Knowing that Bella was still a member of the V-club made me feel like I was a dirty slut at first. I knew she really loved him, and I felt bad for pushing her so far. I argued with myself a bit. Bella was a smart girl. She wasn't going to do anything she didn't want to do, but I did not want to be the evil voice of peer , maybe I do.

Bella ask me to drive her to her appointment with Dr. Broder and I gladly did so. She insisted that her dad not come with her. I could not even imagine having my dad go with me. So I volunteered to go with her. For the first time in my life, me, Lauren Mallory, the perpetual little sister, felt like the big sister. I tried to prepare Bella for her appointment and explain how the speculum would be cold and it would be uncomfortable but that Dr. Broder would be gentle.

I sat in the waiting room and read worn copies of magazines, while I waited for her to be done. She was taking forever. I had read through several _Redbooks,__Women's Home Journal_, and much to my dismay even a few _Parenting_ magazines. Out of pure boredom, I even considered picking up a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting that was sitting on the table while I waited for her to be done.

After nearly two hours, she finally came back out to the waiting room. I had never seen Bella's face so pale and for her that was saying a lot.

"You okay?" I asked.

She bit her lip and tears began to pool up in her eyes.

"Are you all done?"

She nodded her head.

"Okay, lets go down to the diner. We can get some coffee and talk."

I grabbed her hand and led her out to the car. Neither of us talked as I drove to the diner. I wondered what the doctor said. Could you get a sexually transmitted disease even if you did not have sex. I didn't think so. I mean, my personal rule was no glove, no love, but there's some pretty freaky shit out there. Could she have something like a growth? Maybe it was just a cyst. I hoped it wasn't cancer.

It felt like hours before we settled into the booth and with a cup of coffee in my hand -Bella opted for tea - she finally spoke up.

"I can't believe I am telling you this."

"What did she say?"

"So she completed the examination. It was just like you had explained it, but then she felt something that was not right and asked about my history. Well, Aunt Flo and I are not always on the best of terms. I am pretty irregular actually. I always figured it was stress."

She took a sip of her tea and then continued. "So, she had me go into a room and get an internal ultrasound."

"Is everything okay, it's not like you're pregnant? Did she see something?"

"I am most definitely not pregnant. That would require actually doing the deed."

"Then what's wrong?" I felt bad about pressing her to talk, but I was no mind reader, and I could not guess what had happened.

"Ummm. She found scar tissue. Turns out my years of mothering my own mother may be it for me as far as being a parent is concerned."

"You can't have kids?"

"It is going to be next to impossible for me, which at 18 is not a big deal. I am not really a kid person, I hate babysitting, but being told you can't have something makes you want it that much more." She then mumbled something under her breath.

"What?" I asked, trying to catch what she was mumbling to herself. I definitely understood the concept of wanting something you could not have. It had been the bane of my existence for two years.

"It's just ironic."

"Well, you can always adopt just like are so many children out there all around the world who need loving parents," I informed her. Thinking of an article I had read in _Us Weekly_, Brad Pitt was petitioning to adopt Maddox and Zahara, Angelina Jolie's adopted children. Grandma Mallory liked to hear all the Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer gossip the best, though she claimed she was still "Team Jen."

"I don't want to talk about it. Can we do something crazy this weekend? I just want to forget all of this."

"Sure, Bella. Do you mind just a sleepover? My parents are going out and Brett will be home, but I just cannot deal with guys right now."

Bella nodded and we sat in relative silence until we had both finished our beverages.

**Bella POV**

The phone rang. I knew it was Renee. She would be checking in with me and she may have remembered I had my doctor's appointment today. She probably forgot and it was just a coincidence. I had been strewn across my bed crying since Lauren had dropped me off. I wasn't crying about never having kids, but I was crying for several other reasons: first, today was November 16. Two months. It had only been two months, and I had completely lost myself. Second, I was crying because my experiences in the past two months, though meaningless to me, far exceeded the physical contact we had ever experienced. Though, nothing compared to the emotional attachment I felt with _Him_.

Even when I was with_Him_, I was not constantly thinking about sex. It was never on the table, which made me realize that complete abstinence may not be normal for teenagers in committed relationships. My friends were constantly talking about sex. Since I had begun to hang out with Lauren, Jessica and even Angela, I had begun to receive a sexual education unlike anything I ever received in both Forks and Arizona schools. Even just watching _Sex and the City_ made me understand how out of the ordinary our relationship had really been. One of the reasons He had left was to let me live a normal life, to experience human things, and having babies was not part of the plans now. So much for knowing what is best. The great thing about being an empty shell was that news today about children didn't faze too much. It was no wonder Jason lost interest in me and He left me in the woods. I was replaceable.

I picked up the phone on the third ring.

"Bella!"

"Hi Mom."

"Guess what? My substitute teacher job is turning into something more permanent! The teacher is not coming back from maternity leave after all."

"Mom, that's great," I saidm feigning excitement.

"So, Bella, what's new with you?"

"School is going well. I am almost done with my essays for my college applications. I am talking about my experience living with you. Work has been slow. I told you Mike broke his hand so he is working more at his parents' store and that is less time for me, right?" I tried to breeze over my college application essay topics. Renee did not need to know that she was the topic of my essay, which I wrote about how being on my own with her forced me to grow up faster. It was the best topic I could come up with besides the story, which they would deem as science fiction about a vampire family that broke my heart.

"Yeah, you mentioned that. I told you how Phil and I are spending Thanksgiving with his parents?"

"No, but that's okay. I need to focus on getting my college applications completed." Had I been invited? Guess not. That was awkward. The last time I had been invited to dinner with Phil's parents, Renee failed to mention that I was a teenager. They had placed me at the kids table where I had a good ten years over the other kids. I spent the night watching first graders pick their noses and helping them cut their food.

Renee quickly changed the subject. "Did you ever get a chance to go to the doctor?"

"I went today."

"Is everything okay? You sound upset."

"Well, not really mom, " I said with a heavy sigh.

"Bella."

"The doctor doesn't think I will be able to have kids, but on the bright side I raised you and you turned out okay," I said jokingly. I hoped she could not detect how upset I really was.

"Well, I only did almost burn down the kitchen two or three times. Really kiddo, I couldn't have done it without you. I'm sure it'll be fine when you do want to have kids. It's so many years away, it is not something you should be worried about now."

"Actually mom, I think I am going to be okay with it. How 's Phil doing?" I asked eager to change the subject. I was upset about the news, but more upset at the irony of it all.

I was okay with not being able to have kids: I was not the type to babysit, I did not fawn over babies, and I hated helping out in Renee's classroom. However, I was frustrated that He left me so I could have human experiences and now I could not have them. I was left with nothing.

Renee started droning on about her and Phil. They were both so happy in Jacksonville. It was a relief that Renee was so settled, for once. I felt bad for only half-listening to Renee gush about her life, filling in gaps with uhuhs, reallys, and that's great.

I knew eventually Charlie would ask about my appointment. At least I had told Renee; she was more of a friend than a mother, but I was not willingly telling Charlie. He knew I had the doctor's appointment and the type of doctor made him quite uncomfortable. He would also not be pleased that the doctor had put me on birth control pills in order to better regulate my irregular cycles. He did not need to be bothered with the long term issues I would face. Hmm... I would make him enchiladas tonight. Mexican food always put him in a good mood.

I stared at my ceiling for a good hour before finally building up the energy to go downstairs and make dinner. The phone rang again.

"Mom?"

"Uh... Hey Bella."

"Who is this?"

"It's Jason."

"Hi. I didn't expect to hear from you. Not after Halloween. So… why are you calling?"

"You disappeared on me."

"Excuse me? You were playing doctor with that red-headed nurse. What's her name? Lisa?" I said, more perturbed than angry. I was loathing myself for picking up the phone.

"You saw that?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Bella, I wanted to apologize. For what I did. I was drunk and Lisa was all up on me. I wasn't thinking."

"Jason, it's cool. Apology accepted. I just... let's just be friends ,okay? I think we're better off that way, anyways."

"Thanks, Bella. Sorry I was such a shit."

"Yeah me too."

We talked for a little bit. I tried to think of pleasantries, but I really wanted to slip back into my moment of solitude. Jason was spending Thanksgiving up in Portland with family. I told him I was cooking my first big dinner. He was jealous and wanted to try my cooking. As we hung up, I was sure he would make a good friend.

After talking to Jason, I gladly went back to wallowing in my own self-pity. It seemed so easy when I was alone to slip back to the way I was after Hehad just left. I felt like I was on the edge, dangling into the black hole again, and the only lifeline was my friends who were doing their best to keep me from sinking in. I didn't want to sink in again. It just seemed easier to do that than to move on with life at times.

At dinner, Charlie mentioned Thanksgiving. He was planning to invite the Blacks over for dinner. It would just be the four of us. Charlie, Billy, Jake and me.

"How big of a turkey should I get?"

"Bella, you don't have to make a special meal. We can just have fish fry."

"We aren't having fish fry for Thanksgiving dinner. It's not a big deal. I like cooking, you know that, besides, I have never made Thanksgiving dinner before. It was something I always wanted to do, but Renee always insisted we go out to eat. It'll be a great way for me to relieve all this college admission stress."

"Well, Jake is eating like a machine these days. Poor Billy cannot keep the place stocked with food for that boy. Twenty pounds or so should do it."

"Okay, I will put in an order next time I go to the store."

The weekend after my doctor's appointment meant many things. First, homework - my grades would be my key to freedom. My SAT scores had arrived and I had even done well on the math section. Second, work, which I was not looking forward to, but given, my reduced hours I was thankful for the extra money. My friends were expensive. Lastly, Lauren planned a girls' night in for just the two of us. Jessica whined about being excluded, but Lauren explained that it was for single ladies only. Jessica relented and instead carried on about the movie Christian was taking her to see: _Waiting _with Ryan Reynolds. This only angered Lauren, who publicly boycotted Ryan Reynolds movies because he looked too much like Jeff even though I had seen _Van Wilder_ in her dvd rack in her room.

On Saturday night my truck made that faithful drive over to Lauren's house. I was unsure what adventure she had planned for us.

**Lauren POV**

I heard Bella's truck coming down my block and raced to the door to greet her, looking forward to some girl bonding. Brett was home for the weekend and was annoying me to death. Just thinking about him being home for winter break made me cringe. I hated having to re-learn sharing a bathroom when he was home.

"Bella!" I cried, as she walked up the steps toward my front door.

"Hey, Lauren."

"So, how does sushi and cheesy mindless entertainment sound?"

"Never had sushi before. Raw fish kind of grosses me out."

"Try it, okay. I won't order anything too exotic. Simple stuff and some cooked stuff too. You'll become as obsessed as I am. Ughh, I'm going to be so fat next week in Florida. Everyone is going to think I 'm a beached whale."

"Shut up, you're tiny."

"Thanks." I was fishing for compliments and Bella took the bait.

"My room? I brought up the spare TV and put it in there. Besides, Brett is home and has commandeered the TV in the den for football games."

On our way up to my room, we passed Brett lounging on the couch wearing Brine shorts, a t-shirt and his stinky UW baseball hat backwards.

"Brett, this is Bella Swan, my friend. Bella, this is my older brother Brett."

_Brett looked up and smirked.__Do not make a play for my friend, you dog, you have a girlfriend. Plus Bella has way too much baggage._

"Nice to meet you, Brett," Bella said softly.

"Sup?" Brett said with a head nod.

"We'll be upstairs. In my room, we're ordering sushi. Let me know if you want some food, but otherwise, leave us the fuck alone."

"Oh, but who will braid my hair?" Brett said.

Instead of responding, I grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her up to my room. She obviously was not used to the banter between siblings and definitely not the way Brett and I interacted. Despite annoying one another, we were tight- the heavy dose of sarcasm really kept our relationship solid.

Once in my room, Bella threw her overnight bag down and hopped up on my bed. In the past few weeks she really had become so much more comfortable around all of us. I was glad we had become friends.

"So I was going to have us watch DVDs, but Soapnet channel is running a marathon of _Beverly Hills, 90210_ tonight. I think we can catch all the high school episodes. Those were so much better than when they went off to college."

"I think my mom used to watch that show. I don't really remember the early episodes at all. I was like two or something when it was on."

"Yeah, I know. I vaguely remember watching this show with my mom even when I was small. Hey, want to make this more fun?"

"Sure, how?"

"My parents have a ton of liquor downstairs. Stuff that they got on like their honeymoon, before they developed their taste for fine wines. The stuff just sits there. How about every time Brenda Walsh is a bitch, we drink?"

"Ehh, I am not sure."

"Bella, you said you wanted to do something a little wild. Drinking in the safety of my house with no place for us to go and my brother sitting downstairs is a pretty safe environment for us to cut wild."

"Okay, but only if we drink something that tastes good."

I ran downstairs and grabbed a 25 year-old bottle of strawberry schnapps and a well-aged bottle of creme de menthe from the liquor cabinet. My parents would never notice those missing. In the kitchen, I rummaged through the refrigerator until I found a can of whipped cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup. I had shot glasses in my room we could use.

We watched the pilot and several early episodes. Luke Perry had that brooding mysterious boy hotness thing going for him. It sort of reminded me of Edward Cullen. Wonder if Bella sees the resemblance? Our sushi arrived and I showed Bella how to use the chopsticks, wasabi, and soy sauce. She actually liked the California roll and the sweet potato roll. She was also really getting into the 90210 marathon. It was so funny how just over ten years ago styles had changed so much. We started drinking with the episode where there is a mother-daughter fashion show. At this rate we are going to pass out real soon.

"What is the deal with wearing such high cut shorts anyways?" I asked.

"I know. So strange," Bella said, her speech already slurring.

"So, Bella, the best advice I was ever given was from Sarah, from Port Angeles. She said when you give a blow job you actually do not blow, you suck. She told me that you have to pretend like the... the cock is like an ice cream cone that is melting and you just keep licking the sides." Why did I just say that? Oh, I was definitely starting to buzz if I, the girl who had a guy practically run away from her after having sex with her for the first time, was giving sex advice.

Bella blushed at my blow job comment. "Blow job. It sounds like Blow Pops," she giggled followed by a hiccup.

"Seriously, Bella, it's not a big deal. Guys love it when you give them head. They look at you like it's Christmas morning when you do it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it always makes me feel powerful and in control when I do it. It makes me want to shout say my name bitch but I can't cause I have a cock in my mouth." This was a totally random conversation. I did not even realize how we got talking about this. Was the room supposed to follow you when you turned your head?

The commercial ended and we went back to watching and playing our game. The episodes were pretty funny and cheesy. I should have known better, though, than to have Bella watch the episode when Brenda and Dylan break-up in the second season, but I was pretty drunk. Personally, I thought Brenda was a total bitch who was always throwing hissy fits about everything. Each time she had a fit we both did a shot. We alternated between taking a shot of the schnapps then squirting the whipped cream in our mouth, and taking a shot of the crème de menthe followed by squeezing the tube of chocolate syrup and swishing it around before swallowing.

"What's this song?" Bella asked, referring to the song playing when the couple on the show was breaking up. Her words were really slurred.

"I dunno. It's the Brenda/Dylan break-up anthem though. Every break-up needs to have its own soundtrack."

"Huh? Do you have one?"

"Of course, it's kind of dark and gothic, but Evanescence's album Fallen pretty much defined the summer of 2003 for me. Along with "Are you Happy Now?" by Michelle Branch. I know I am lame." I said. The room had begun to spin. I leaned back onto my bed and closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness.

**Brett POV**

There was nothing on television. I had flipped through every station, the HBOs, the Showtimes, and all the ESPN channels. Nothing was interesting. I finally settled on a re-run of Saturday Night Live. My parents made me promise to keep an eye out on Lauren tonight. They said she seemed a little off lately. Lately? Hah! Ever since Jeff broke up with her, she has been a little on the wild side. She knew I knew. Word gets around. Like when I was at a party earlier in the semester and some guy was like, "oh I have heard about your sister, a maneater." I would never tell Jeff how much he had changed her. He broke her, and as her brother it made me want to slug my best friend. As much as Jeff was my boy, I hated him for hurting her so much.

My ears perked up to a sound of things clanging in the kitchen. That did not sound good. Better investigate. Once in the kitchen, I spotted her. She was wearing a tight camisole and loose pajama pants. I had not taken a good look at her when Lauren introduced us. She was pretty with long chocolate brown hair. Decent figure.

"You okay?" I asked.

She spun around, only to get dizzy. Her ass hit the tile floor just as she caught a glimpse of me.

I reached out and helped her up off the floor. As I looked her up and down to make sure she was not hurt, she crossed her arms over her chest trying to conceal her nipples pointing out. _Oh, honey, I've got a girlfriend._

"What have you two been doing up there? Wait, I don't want to know. You're obviously drunk," I said, smelling the alcohol on her breath.

She propped her body up against the counter and nodded her head emphatically.

"I've seen enough drunken chicks to know. How many shots have you had?"

She got lost in the thought of counting her drinks.

"Eight?" she said, holding up her hands to show nine fingers.

"Were you crying too?"

"Need a break-up song. Break-up. Bad. Lauren has gothic rock. Even Brenda and Dylan had a song," she whispered.

Brenda? Dylan? What had they been watching. I tried to think back to what Lauren said they were planning to do. Ah yes, _Beverly Hills, 90210_. I hated that show - it was such shit. "Okay, let's keep you awake for awhile, just to be on the safe side. First thing though, let's get you some agua."

She didn't respond she was still crying. Nothing like a crying drunk girl in my care, it was not my first. I escorted her to the couch and went back to the kitchen and got her a glass of water and a box of saltines. I handed them to her and sat down next to her.

"Bella? Right?"

She nodded.

"So bad break-up?"

"Edward," she said, as if she was uttering the name of the messiah. As soon as she said his name, she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, as if she had spoken some forbidden word. Interesting.

"So what did this Edward do to you?"

"He never loved me. Left me in the woods. Alone. He said he would never leave. He promised but he lied. When does the pain stop?" Bella asked, looking up at me, with tears still streaming down her face.

"Bella, I don't know. Isn't this a conversation you should be having with Lauren?"

"She'sbrokentoo." Her words were slurring even more. Please don't throw up on me. Even drunk, this girl got my sister. Not that Lauren was hard to read. Anyone who had taken Intro to Psychology could tell what Lauren was doing.

"Well Bella, I wish I knew. I wish I could say it gets easier. She's not fooling anyone Lauren is good at masking the pain, I know she is. I'll be right back." Except herself. I ran and got the waste basket from the downstairs bathroom and brought it back to the couch.

"I need to keep you up. Want to watch a movie?"

She shrugged. Searching through the library of DVDs, I found the one I thought would be most relevant for Bella.

"What's this movie you're showing me?" Bella asked as she rested her head on a pillow.

"Swingers. It's totally money, baby."

Even though she was incredibly drunk, we watched Swingers and learned about break-ups from men. She asked if this is how guys really deal with break-ups. The movie, sadly, was pretty accurate to the way my frat brothers behaved.

"Is that true? What he said about it hurting less?" She asked me. She was sobering up.

"I don't know. I have dated but Jennifer is my first serious girlfriend. Lauren may know more. Let's get you back upstairs so you can sleep. I think you'll be okay now."

**Bella POV**

I woke up in my bed at Charlie's house. I looked up to the rocking chair in the corner. _He_ was sitting there.

"You came back? Why?"

"I love you, Bella. I never stopped," _He_ said, coming over to the bed.

_He_ hovered over me, our legs barely touching. _He_ leaned down and looked me in the eyes. Then with a greater force than ever before _He_ pressed his lips to mine. My hands reached out and grasped his hair. The kiss intensified as _He_ forced his tongue in my mouth. His hands grazed down my face, neck, to my breasts. I wanted more. I needed more. I had missed his touch. His fingers found my nipples and they hardened at his cold touch. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I could feel his hardness through his pants. He had never allowed us to get that close before. I lost myself in the feeling of just being near him again. I reached out and hugged him closer to me, vowing to never let him go.

"Oh Edward. I was so lost without you," I said, in between kisses.

"Bella. Bella. BELL-A!" A voice said, but it was not the voice of my sweet love. A hand reached down and started shaking me.

I was pulled through the darkness of my bedroom to bright light and opened my eyes. I was not in my room. Pink, lots of pink. Lauren's room. My hands were clenching my pajama pants and not him.

"Bella, how much did we drink last night? I feel so hungover. Want to get pancakes?"

I looked up to see Lauren, bags underneath her eyes. She looked awful. He wasn't there. It was a dream, a bittersweet dream that would never come true.

**A/N: Quote from****Swingers:****"Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is man, it's like you wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less, and you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is that, this is kinda weird, but it's like, it's like, you almost miss that pain."**

**I am now on Twitter stupidreader and there is a thread on Twilighted at: www(dot)twilighted(dot)net(slash)forum(slash)?f=19&t=6023**

**Or the clicky link is in my profile.**


	13. Chapter 13: Lucid Dreams

_**A/N: Thank you everyone for reviewing the last chapter. I am so overwhelmed by the response. Lots of love to my betas - Lisa and Poo235. A huge thanks goes out to Isabel Grace, who not only helps me out with plotlines but BBMs me during class and keeps me from falling asleep. All I can say about this chapter is I am so sorry, it wrote itself.**_

_**The song for this chapter is Lucid Dreams by Franz Ferdinand. **_

_There is no nation of you, there is no nation of me  
Our only nation lives in lucid dreams  
Lucid dreams, I'm livin' in lucid dreams  
I'm livin' on shortwave streams tonight_

I'm gonna give my aimless love  
My angry heart, my desire  
I woke with wings from lucid dreams  
I knew the reason I felt hollow  
Was it I may never know  
If there is some great truth or not

_-Franz Ferdinand_

**Lauren POV**

My parents, Brett, and I were stuck at the airport waiting for our flight to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my mom's parents. Didn't they know that Seattle has bad weather? Didn't they train pilots to fly in this? My parents were talking to each other about one of their customers who was coming into town in a few weeks. Brett was plugged into his iPod that was sitting on his knee, and his cell phone was sitting on the other knee. Looking down, I saw it buzzing.

"Brett."

No response.

"Brett!"

He looked up. "What?"

"Your phone's ringing."

He picked it up. I could only hear his side of the conversation.

"You are? No shit. We're at A4. Okay, see you in a few minutes."

"Who was that?"

"Jeff. His flight was delayed, too. He and his parents are coming by."

"Oh!" My heart was racing. I had not seen Jeff up close for such a long time. My hair? Why did I wear sweats and my Uggs? "I'll be right back."

"Lauren, be cool. Okay?"

I nodded and ran to the nearest ladies room to make sure I looked presentable. My mind was going a mile a minute with thoughts. This could finally be my chance to confront him and ask him why he broke up with me I pictured it in my mind...

_He would be sitting down, and I would walk up to him. _

_"You and me need to talk. We've got unfinished business. Let's take a walk," I would say very coolly. He would get up and come with me. We would end up in some little café, alone, sitting at a table. _

_"Jeff, you broke my heart. Why did you dump me? Why did you do that to me? What did I ever do to you? What's wrong with me?" _

_He would look at me, taking my hands in his and say, "Lauren, I'm gay." It was the only explanation for his actions. We would become great friends like Will and Grace and walk off, hand in hand, into future. _

I shrugged off my little fantasy and walked back to the gate. Jeff's sexual orientation was just one of my theories on why he broke it off with me. I had also considered that I sucked in bed, but, then, I had yet to receive any other complaints. Another theory was that he had just used me all along and our entire relationship was just an act to get me into bed and deflower me. But the one I think I relied on the most was that he had a brain tumor and it was altering his personality. _It made sense!_

After applying a fresh coat of lip gloss, I headed back to my seat, however, when I got back, Jeff had taken my place in the seat next to Brett. His parents were sitting across from my parents. Jeff's parents had been extremely nice to me when we dated. I had always liked them. Since Jeff was an only child, his mother actually loved having another female around. After we broke-up, I had occasionally run into her in town, but not often. Sliding into the seat across from Brett and Jeff, I kept my eyes on my boots.

"Hey, Lauren." It was his voice, his gruffy voice. The voice that had haunted me. His scent, Ralph Lauren Polo, filled my lungs. _Oh, please, do not be, gay, at least be bi. _

"Hi, Jeff," I said quietly and bit my lip. I looked up at him and attempted the Bella Swan signature doe-eyes. He had gained weight. Just a few extra beer pounds. It actually looked good on him.

I sat there watching Jeff and Brett talk about random guy things, school, their fraternity, college sports. It seemed like they were talking forever and doing their best to ignore my presence, but it was probably only a few seconds. I stuck my iPod earbuds in my ears and opened up a magazine. Just to see his reaction, I began singing out loud. I knew exactly what I was doing. _Lauren Mallory does not get ignored!_

"Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on. Yeah. Yeah." I looked up at him and our eyes met. "Thanks to you, now I get, what I want. Since you've been gone. How can I put it? You put me on. I even fell for that stupid love song. Yeah. Yeah. Since you've been gone. How come I never hear you say, I just wanna be with you? I guess you never felt that way." I looked directly at Jeff as I started humming the chorus again. The corners of my mouth turned up in a devilish grin. _I am pure evil. _

"Hey, Lauren! Who sings that song?" Brett hollered at me.

"Kelly Clarkson. Why?" I said innocently. My eyes locked on Jeff's, _flutter flutter_.

"Well, keep it that way. Why don't you go away? You're being annoying." Brett said, as he lightly kicked me with his foot.

I took the earbuds out and looked around. Our parents were in deep conversation, but, as I looked over, my eye's met with Jeff's mom's eyes. Jeff's mom, Joan hated being called Mrs. Fishbourne. She insisted that I call her and her husband Bart by their first names.

"Lauren! Sweetheart, get over here and give me a hug!" Joan exclaimed. She had obviously been in the airport bar already.

As I walked over to where the parents were sitting, I turned around for one last look at Jeff. He was watching me walk away. He was watching me! I gave Joan a hug, where her hard breast implants dug into me and smiled at his dad, Bart. After hugging Joan, I sat down on my mom's lap, like I was a little kid.

"Lauren, I know I tell you, you will always be my baby, even when you are 30, but aren't you getting a little old to be sitting on my lap?" My mom asked.

"Never," I said as I turned and looked over to Jeff's parents.

"I have missed you so much, Lauren. Just look at you. You are even more gorgeous than the last time I saw you. Bart, isn't Lauren gorgeous?"

Bart nodded his head.

"Jeff, did you say hi to Lauren? Look at her. She's like a model," Joan said, in an abnormally loud voice. I could smell Cosmopolitans on her breath.

"Mom, the entire terminal can hear you," Jeff said, annoyed. It did not go unnoticed that he had not answered his mother's question. He then turned back to his conversation with Brett, obviously annoyed at his mother and probably hating me.

"Mrs... Joan, thank you so much. How're you doing? What's new with you?"

"Lauren, I miss you, honey. You were like my daughter. We still don't understand what happened..." Her eyes drifted to Jeff, who was deep in conversation with Brett.

"Let's not talk about that, because frankly, neither do I."

My mom spoke up. "Joan, I agree. The two of them were so happy together, but our Lauren is doing just fine. Aren't you, dear?" My mom hugged me a little tighter as I shifted my weight on her lap and tried to put more weight on my feet.

"Yeah, super," I replied with fake enthusiasm. Even our parents saw what I had seen. We were perfect together. What was it? Why didn't he love me anymore? Being in such close proximity to Jeff was driving me crazy. I couldn't focus on anything but his presence.

My mom and Joan were talking about the Newton's tacky Christmas lights that they had put up after Halloween. "Mom, Joan, I am going to go get some Starbucks and the latest _Glamour_ magazine. I just finished the December _Vogue_. Can I get either of you anything?"

"No, honey. Do you need money?" My mom asked, opening up her beloved Dooney & Bourke purse.

"I'm good," I said as I walked away from the gate as quickly as my legs could carry me. As I walked past Jeff, he was in an animated conversation with Brett. I held my breath and tried not to look at him, but my eyes could not look away. Our eyes met for a brief second before I hurried away.

Sipping my Skinny Tall Vanilla Frappuccino, several things became clear to me. First, this was going to be a long delay. Second, my Thanksgiving trip would feel even longer. I also realized that I was still completely, head over heels, in love with Jeff, but it was also clear that he did not give a rat's ass about me.

**Bella POV**

I went through my mental checklist for Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey? Stuffed and in the oven. Stuffing? Well, obviously done. Yams? Were ready to be cooked in the toaster oven. Cranberry sauce? I was using the canned version, so I just had to scoop out. Green bean casserole? I had prepped this and just needed to stick it in the oven. Appetizers? Carrots and ranch dip, all set to go. Billy and Jacob were bringing dessert, a pumpkin pie from the local grocery store.

Charlie had explained to me that many Native Americans did not celebrate Thanksgiving since it celebrates many native people being pushed out of their land, but Billy saw it as a day for us to be thankful for our friends and family. It would be just him and Jacob. It was too expensive for Rebecca to fly home from Hawaii and Rachel was working on Friday so she opted to stay at school.

"Bella, after Billy's wife passed away, he realized how important it was to surround yourself with those you love," Charlie explained to me.

Charlie was sitting on the couch watching football. Seriously, if it was not baseball, it was football, basketball, heck, even bass fishing. ESPN was always on. As I set the table for dinner, the doorbell rang.

"Dad, can you get that?"

"On my way."

Dinner was almost ready. The turkey's button had already popped. I had made it through cooking my first turkey without having to contact the Butterball Turkey hotline.

"Bella! Good to see you," Billy cried as he wheeled toward me and I entered the hallway to greet our guests.

"Hi, Billy. Glad you could make it."

"Hey, Bella."

"Jake. Good to see you, too. Come in, come in."

"Where do you want this?" Jacob asked, motioning toward the pie in his hands.

"Kitchen. Please."

Billy followed Charlie into the family room to watch the game and Jacob followed me into the kitchen. Had he grown? He looked taller than he was on Halloween. It was apparent he wanted to talk to me.

"Bella, thanks for having us. Everything smells delicious."

"Thanks, Jacob," I said as I checked on the food in the oven.

"You know, we don't normally celebrate Thanksgiving."

"Yeah, Char- my dad mentioned that."

"Oh!" Jacob said . "Well, my dad was extremely thankful this year. Cause, well, the Cullens left."

I turned around, my jaw fell open, and I stared at him incredulously.

"Sorry, I thought you were over them. I mean the way you were dancing on Halloween. That costume..." He smirked. He must be thinking of me in my vampire costume. I crossed my arms protectively in front of my chest.

"Listen, who I am over and who I am with is my concern. Okay?" How was it that Jacob could irritate me so quickly? Every time he acted nice, he then turned it around and made comments like this.

"Sorry. Jeez, I won't bring them up. Touchy," he said as he grabbed a carrot off a tray of crudite I had prepared.

"Can you take this into the other room for our dads? This kitchen is getting a little crowded," I said curtly, pointing to the tray of carrots.

"Sure. Bella, you did look smoking on Halloween. Not sure if I told you."

"Thanks, Jake."

I went back to finishing the meal, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Baby girl! Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Thanks, mom. I 'd love to talk, but I'm cooking." _It was just like my mom to have wonderful timing_, I thought sarcastically.

"Oh, that is nice. Say hi to your father for me."

"Okay, mom."

I hung up the phone and finished preparing the meal. Charlie carved the turkey and carried the carved bird to the table while Jake helped me carry the side dishes. Billy wheeled up to the table that I had set earlier. Once we were all seated, Charlie spoke up.

"I know this is a little hokey, but this is the first Thanksgiving I have had with Bella for a long time. I'd like it if we could all say what we are thankful for. I'll go first. I'm thankful that Bella came to live with me. I never realized how quiet this house was until she moved in," Charlie said, then glanced over to his left where Jake was seated.

"Hey, yeah. I'm thankful that I have most of the parts I need to get my Rabbit up and running just in time for my birthday." I smirked, thinking of a _Sex and the City _episode where they mentioned a very different kind of rabbit.

Billy spoke up next. "I'm thankful that our little corner of the earth is now free of unpleasantness." He looked directly at me. "That's all I'm going to say about that." I knew people on the reservation were happy about the Cullens leaving, but to say it to my face, after I cooked, was like a slap in the face.

Charlie looked to me to speak next. I swallowed hard. My mind was a blank. I thought back to last year, when Renee and I had eaten with Phil in a restaurant in Phoenix. So much had changed in a year. They had gone from okay, to great, to bad, to great, to horrific back to okay. There were several things I was thankful for this year. The two biggest ones were Charlie and my friends, but then there was _Him_. I thought back to the dream I had at Lauren's house - _Him_ coming back for me.

"Bella, what about you?" Jacob asked.

"I'm thankful for my dad..." I looked over at Charlie, then I looked Billy Black in the eyes, "and to quote Tennyson, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Now let's eat," I said, grabbing a large spoonful of stuffing and slopping it on my plate.

We ate in relative silence. Charlie was surely going to give me a talking to after our guests left. When the three guys had eaten through most of the turkey, they all leaned back and looked at the empty serving dishes. Proud of their work.

Charlie turned to speak to me. Oh goodness, he was going to yell at me in front of them? No way Charlie would do that. "Bella, since you slaved away in the kitchen, why don't you go relax and we'll clean up."

"Thanks, dad." I said, glancing outside. The rain had stopped for once. "I think I may take a walk."

"Jacob can go with you and keep you company. Charlie and I can surely handle the dishes," Billy said hopefully.

"Fine, whatever," I mumbled.

Jacob and I grabbed our coats and headed outside. I crossed my arms across my chest, still unhappy about what Billy had said and how he had said it. We walked in silence around the block a few times before heading back to Charlie's driveway.

"Bella, I'm sorry about what my dad said. It's just a lot of people on the rez really didn't like the Cullens. It's stupid, okay?" I did not respond to him. "Bella, I'm trying real hard to be your friend. Would it kill you to try back?"

"Sorry, Jake. I go through these ups and downs. Let's sit." I motioned toward my truck's bed and we both sat down. "I have some really good weeks and some really bad weeks. The past week or so has not been the best. I'm stressed about the SAT subject tests I need to take next week. NYU requires them. Literature should be a cakewalk, but I hate reviewing my biology notes from last year." Tears began welling up in my eyes.

"Oh, Bella," Jake said, brushing my face with his hand. His hand should have been cold, but it was unusually warm for the cold November weather. He leaned in further and caressed my face. With that motion, he became more man-like than boyish, as he had been only a few months earlier. "Why are you wasting your time with those tools from Port Angeles? Why can't I be the one to help you forget him?" Without waiting for an answer, he pressed his lips to mine.

Jacob Black's lips felt different from Jason's, they were warmer and he had a woodsy scent to him. It was not sweet like the kisses I remembered, the kisses _He _gave me. Lost in my analysis, I barely noticed when Jake's tongue pushed my lips apart to find its way into my mouth. The act jolted me back to reality.

"Jake!" I cried, shoving him back in the chest. "We can't do this."

"Give me three reasons why not," he said, crossing his arms.

I paused and thought about all of the reasons. "We fight all the time. It's like everything you say unintentionally annoys me."

"Foreplay. Conflict makes for great foreplay," he replied. He was barely 16 and yet he knew about foreplay. I was just 18 and barely knew what foreplay entailed.

"It'd make both of our dads way too happy if we were together."

"Yeah, so. Don't they deserve it?" He did have a point.

I sighed, thinking of my final reason. The picture of Lauren and Jeff in the yearbook flashed in my head and it came to me. "Jake, I'm gonna break your heart and you don't deserve that. Like it or not, I'm going away to college next year. I don't want to be tied down and you shouldn't be either."

He swallowed. "Bella, what if we do this in a way where it's just light and fun? Two friends enjoying one another and part of that happens to be kissing and other stuff. No titles, no commitments, it would just be us being friends and stuff," he reiterated, with a crooked smile. _What did he mean by other stuff?_

"It would be just between you and I?"

He nodded his head, yes.

"No getting attached. No broken hearts. Promise?" I knew firsthand that promises could be broken, but there was something about Jake, something that made me want to slug him and kiss him at the same time.

"I promise. Pinkie swear," he said, holding up his pinkie finger. I held mine up and we shook on it. "So, where were we?" He leaned in closer and began to kiss me again. This time his hand moved to my thigh and squeezed it hard as his tongue entered my mouth.

Unlike a few moments ago, I kissed him back. This time I was more relaxed and let my tongue enter his mouth and massage his tongue. My hands moved up his maturing jaw line and settled in his hair, just like I had done with _Him. _ His hand traveled up my thigh and moved north up to my breasts, but I caught his hand before it reached its destination. I pulled away from the kiss.

"Easy, tiger. We should go inside. Pie's awaiting," I said in a sing-song tone as I glanced back at the house. Instead of jumping off the back of the truck and possibly falling down, Jake lifted me up and eased me to the ground. "Jake, we are just friends. No one and I mean no one is to know that we do anything more."

He made a gesture where he locked a pretend lock on his lips and threw away the key. "My lips are sealed."

*********************************************************************************************************************************

After the Blacks left and the kitchen was cleaned up, Charlie turned to me before he headed upstairs to bed. "Bella, I'm glad to see you and Jake are getting along so well. He's a good friend to have."

"Thanks, dad. I think we are really going to try harder to get along as friends." I replied, strongly emphasizing the word friend.

I awoke in my bed. Instinctively, I looked over at the rocking chair expecting it to be empty, but it was not. _He _was there.

"What are you doing here?"

"I can't stay away from you, Bella."

"But you left me."

"I lied."

"No, you would never lie to me."

_He_ nodded as he walked over to the bed and planted a deep, wet kiss on my lips. His lips moved from my lips down to my neck.

"Bite me. Make me like you. I have tried to be normal, but you changed me and there is no going back now. I can't have children, so you aren't taking that away from me," I pleaded in a soft whisper.

_He_ did not reply. Instead, his lips went lower as his hands lifted up my tank top. His cold lips sucked on my nipples as his hands pulled down my pajama pants and panties, tossing them aside. Letting him take complete control, I gave myself unto him. Nothing mattered but being with him.

I was completely naked. His tongue moved in circles as he gently grasped my breasts. First, he licked the left nipple, then the right one. His chilled lips then traveled down my stomach to my belly button as they touched my warm skin, the contact creating a tingling sensation that burned, in a pleasurable way. He picked his mouth up and brought it down to the heat in between my legs. His cool tongue traveled up my thigh and then entered me. It darted in and out of me as his icicle-like fingers found my clit, sending me shivering. His golden eyes met mine and he smiled when I moaned in pleasure. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. My body bucked as we became more intimate. I craved more than just his tongue, but as it twisted in and out of me caressing my lower half, the release I so desperately needed finally came. In the heat of the moment, I grabbed on to his unruly hair and refused to let go.

"EDWARD!" I moaned.

Instead of responding, I heard a tapping on my bedroom door. I opened my eyes to discover my pajamas were still on, but my panties were cold and wet. It had been just a dream.

"Bella, phone for you," Charlie said on the other side of the door without opening it.

"Uhhh, just a minute, dad. I'll be right there," I called out. _Oh my goodness, these dreams are going to be the death of me_. My face felt hot and flushed from my vivid dreaming and I hoped Charlie had not heard my moaning. My eyes quickly checked the window. It was still open a crack, just the way I had left it. The way I always left. _Just in case my dreams came true._

It was my day off from school. Who could be calling me? I picked up the extension from my room. "Hello?"

"Bella! It's Jess. How's it going? How was your Thanksgiving?" Before giving me a chance to answer she continued, "So, my mom and I are going up to Seattle to go shopping today. Want to come?"

"Huh?" What time was it? I looked at my clock; it was just after 7:30 AM.

"Hello? It's the biggest shopping day of the year. We already did Midnight Madness at the Wal-Mart in Port Angeles. Then, we got espressos. I got a double shot. Come with us!" Jessica exclaimed, without stopping to breathe.

The idea of spending the day with Jessica and Mrs. Stanley, both high off of caffeine and bargains did not sound too appealing; they gossiped about everyone. I told Jess that I need to study for the SAT subject tests and work on my applications today and quickly hung up the phone, but not before Jess reminded me that UW did not require subject tests.

Jessica and Lauren were really pushing me to at least apply to UW, but it just didn't appeal to me. If I was going to live a life without him, I needed to start fresh in a place that was new.

I hung up the phone and headed back to bed to sleep for a few more hours, hoping my dream would continue. It did not, and instead I spent the rest of the day in front of my ancient computer, prepping for my tests and writing my essays for my applications, hoping to distract myself from my overtly sexual dream. I could not get the images out of my head and could barely concentrate. In fact, I actually started to chew on my pens and I broke a few pencils in half. This was not productive at all. As it was starting to get dark, Charlie popped his head into my room.

"Bella, I'm gonna head over to Billy's to watch some football and eat pizza. Want to come? Jake's been asking about you."

The mention of Jake's name brought about images of our kisses last night. I shrugged. "Sure. Guess I'll work on this friendship thing." Thinking back to my dream from the previous night, I felt very peckish. I knew my itch needed to be scratched and Jacob Black would be the one to scratch it, like a good friend.

********************************************************************************************************************

We arrived a few minutes later at Billy's house on the reservation.

"Bella, Jake's out in the shed working on his Rabbit," Billy called over. His eyes were already fixated on the television.

I walked out back and saw a light coming from the shed where Jake was. As I walked in, Jake was no where to be seen.

"Hello? Jake? Jacob Black? Anybody here?"

Suddenly, a pair of legs covered in jeans came rolling out, followed by Jacob who came sliding out from under the car on a board with wheels. He was shirtless, despite the cold weather. His eyes looked me up and down before he sat up with his legs straddling the board.

"Hi, I came down with Charlie. He's watching some football game with Billy." I eyed the board he was straddling.

"Glad you came. Want to take a seat? It's called a mechanic's creeper." He motioned to the other side of the rolling board with his head. "I'll keep it steady. I promise!"

I cautiously sat down and then mimicked Jake by straddling the creeper and facing him. My heart was pounding in my chest. This was wrong. I was using him. I knew it and felt bad, but I didn't care. I felt used too.

I licked my lips attempting to say something, but couldn't think of anything to say, so I bit my bottom lip. Jake kept talking about his car. He said something about belts and hoses and I thought of my erotic dream.

Watching me, watching him, Jake finally spoke to me instead of at me, "You look like you need a tune up?" He leaned into me, like last night, and pressed his lips to mine more forcefully than before. His line was cheesy and I wanted to laugh, but his lips stifled any noise coming from my mouth.

Closing my eyes, I compared the kiss to the one in my dream last night. Jake was all over the place and my face was wet from his saliva. We stopped and I inconspicuously wiped the wetness from around my lips. His eyes looked me up and down before he leaned back in to continue.

"Just friends, no feelings, right?" I said, trying to remind him of our deal from yesterday. I could not hurt someone the way I had been hurt.

"Uh-huh." He said, nodding his head and reaching for me to return to a lip lock. I had a feeling he would agree to sell his soul to the devil at that point, if it meant continuing; part of me did feel like the devil for using him like this.

His lips pressed up against mine again and we rolled forward an inch. He slowly moved off the creeper as I leaned back until I was completely flat on the board. Jake hovered over me, stabilized by his knees on the ground straddling the creeper. His lips moved to my ear lobe and began sucking. I reached my hands up to twine them through his unruly hair, but instead I found his long hair slicked back in a low ponytail. As I moved my fingers through it, it felt oily and dirty, nothing like the hair in my dreams. I pulled my hand back from his hair and brought them to my side before placing them on Jake's butt and wiping them slightly so they did not feel so slick.

He took that as permission to begin pawing me, and his hands awkwardly groped my shirt until it was untucked from my jeans. Jacob reached underneath my shirt and began feeling his way to my breasts, all the while nibbling at my neck.

"Jake, we really should stop," I said breathlessly, but he leaned in closer and I wrapped my legs around my waist, pulling him closer to me.

The shift in weight set into a motion a series of events: The creeper began to roll. Stunned, Jake lost his footing and tumbled over, taking me with him. Jake fell first and broke my fall. I landed on top of him and before I could check to see if anything was broken, he was pulling me on top of him. I could feel his bulge pushing on his pants. _It really does feel like a roll of quarters. _Inching my hips toward him, he pushed up toward me with his pelvis. Even with our clothes on, the heat radiating between the two of us was noticeable especially, as we rubbed up against one another.

I moved my hand to cup his erection and began to rub it, just as I had done with Jason.

Jake moaned in pleasure, so I continued to stroke him. Our eyes met and he smiled. He looked into my eyes and then looked down at his crotch. He then arched an eyebrow and gave me a smile. "Suck it, Bella. Please, I want you."

My mind was stuck on the words "I want you." I kept flashing back to the woods; it was like watching a movie of myself. _"You don't want me?" I said, looking up into His cold golden eyes. _

"Bella, I need you," Jake said, caressing the side of my face.

_His _words ran in me like a dare. _Don't be reckless_... This was reckless. This was stupid, but part of me wanted to continue with Jake's wishes just out of spite, another part out of curiosity, and yet another part wanted to because I felt guilty for toying with Jacob like this. I reached down and undid the button on his jeans and slowly pulled down the zipper. Jacob let out a deep groan. My hands reluctantly grazed his boxers, unsure what to do next. Jake's right hand came swooping down off my head and freed his russet brown erection from the constraints of his boxer shorts. His hand returned back to my head, lightly pressing it down.

I remembered Lauren's advice, _pretend you are eating an ice cream from a cone and it is melting fast. _With that, I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and began licking the tip before moving down the shaft. I, then, put the whole thing in my mouth. Jacob let out another groan that almost sounded like an animal growling.

"Bella, I'm gonna..." Before he could finish his sentenced he lightly pushed the crown of my head down farther and with his cock in my mouth, he began to quiver. His release came... in my mouth. It was like nothing I had ever tasted before, it was salty and sour. I held it in my mouth as my eyes darted around the room looking for something to spit it into, and then I accidentally swallowed and down it went, along with my self respect.

**A/N: Are your jaws on the floor? This chapter had a mind of its own. I did not ever intend for Bella and Jacob to go this far. I actually wanted them to kiss her to slap him and walk away, but it just did not happen. Please do not hate me for this chapter. I will fix this. So, I finally joined twitter at stupidreader. I need to get better at tweating, but there are always twi--thoughts going through my head. Also if you want to discuss come play on the thread for Over, Under & Through under New Moon.**


	14. Chapter 14: Don't Worry About Me

**Chapter 14:Don't Worry About Me**

**A/N: Don't Worry About Me sung my Frank Sinatra inspired this chapter. Instead of picking a newer song, I picked something I think the Cullens may enjoy a bit more since the music of Frank and the rest of the Rat Pack are a bit more timeless. It's short and fluffy but provides some new information on the Cullens and their move from the Pacific Nortthwest to the New York tri-state area. Again, I own nothing nor do I shop on Greenwich Avenue. If owned Twilight then I could afford to, but I don't.** ** Thanks to IG, Poo235, Lisa, and SassyGeminiMom.**

Give to the greater good. Twilight Fandom Gives Back: www (dot) alexslemonade (dot) org/stands/19842

_**Don't worry 'bout me  
I'll get along  
Forget about me  
Be happy my love**_

Let's say that our little show is over  
And so the story ends  
Why not call it a day, the sensible way  
And still be friends

Look out for yourself  
Should be the rule  
Give your heart and your love, to whomever you love  
Don't be a fool

Darling why stop to cling, to some fading thing  
That used to be  
If you can forget  
Don't you worry 'bout me

_**-Frank Sinatra**_

**Alice POV**

I volunteered to accompany Esme and Carlisle out to Connecticut to look at new homes for us. Jasper, not wanting to be left alone up in Alaska, joined us. Emmett and Rosalie had left Tanya's a few weeks ago; they were heading to Africa once again for another safari. Emmett enjoyed hunting the big game. The entire family needed to leave Alaska so it would not appear to our friends in Alaska, and especially Laurent, that we had abandoned our home in Forks, even though we had abandoned it and, more importantly, we had abandoned Bella. The hole that was left by her and Edward's absence was noticeable to all of us. We were taking each day as it came.

As the plane descended on the desolate hills of late autumn in Westchester, New York, more pictures of homes appared in my head, but given the real estate market in the area, as quickly as some of the homes appeared they were quickly gone. Usually, I saw a house, and we bought it. I sensed that, like everything else in our lives now, this was going to be more difficult. Carlisle arranged a private jet to take us from Alaska to the Westchester airport, and from our private jet hangar, we rented a car and settled into our hotel in Greenwich.

The hotel was nice and the town had some great boutiques. As we passed by Maybachs, Maseratis, Porsches, and Rolls Royces, I realized how much I really missed Edward.

"Edward's Aston Martin will fit in quite well here. All of our cars will," I mumbled. Edward would be rejoining us eventually. I had seen him staring at the piano in our yet-to-be-found home. Even in my vision, he appeared as depressed as he was in Alaska.

Carlisle, who was driving, turned around. "Yes, Greenwich is one of the wealthiest places in the country. I actually have a feeling, for the first time, we may fit in. I'm looking forward to meeting with the administrators from the hospital here. They have recently seen an influx of immigrant patients who need good emergency care. The hospital in the next town over, Port Chester, just closed due to bankruptcy."

Esme spoke up. "This move will be good for all of us. Maybe new surroundings will help us. I just wish we were all together. Alice, have you seen when he is going to call us? Or what he is doing? Anything? I am so worried." Her voice was unsteadier than her normal song-like tone. The scattering of our family was taking its toll on her.

"Edward is not ready to call us yet. He'll be heading up to Canada soon. Right now, he is meandering all over Texas. I do see that he is having problems tracking Victoria. He's not doing well without Bella. I keep having visions of him watching her sleep but they quickly disappear as soon as he changes his mind," I said quietly while Jasper comforted my by holding my hand. He could feel the longing I had to communicate with Bella. I missed her so much.

"Why did we ever let him talk us into leaving? We all knew it was wrong," Esme cried as she rammed her fist into the passenger side of the car. "Sorry, Carlisle," she replied, when she realized she had left a dent.

"Esme, dear, do not beat yourself up, or the car for that matter. We all agreed because Edward has left for each of us, at one point, or another," Carlisle replied as he brushed his hand soothingly across Esme's arm.

Esme, pulling away from Carlisle soothing hand, turned around and asked me, "I worry about him. I worry about her. Alice, I know you aren't supposed to look, but Edward isn't here. How's Bella holding up?"

Jasper leaned back in his seat and let out a sigh. Suddenly, the entire car was bombarded with a sense of calmness. "We can only control what we can control, Esme. Edward will be fine. Let's focus on the task at hand, finding a home," Jasper said softly.

Jasper's wave of calm subsided and I suddenly felt the need to clear my conscious. "I have a confession to make. Carlisle, Esme, I emailed Bella and I have been looking into her future."

Jasper smirked and squeezed my hand. He loved my idea.

"Alice, that wasn't very respecful of Edward's wishes. He wouldn't be pleased, but despite that, I'm curious to hear how she's doing," replied Carlisle.

"Well, she is trying to move on, but it's an act and we all know how horrible of an actress she can be. She hasn't responded to my email, in case you're wondering and I can't see if she does. The algorithms in the email program skew my visions." As I thought about Bella, I started to see her more clearly. She was wearing a tarty vampire Halloween costume. She did not look happy. The sight of her made me chuckle._ Boy, that costume was tacky._

"Alice, what do you see?" asked Esme.

"How peculiar! Bella's a vampire!"

"What!" Both Esme and Carlisle cried. _Oops!_

"Let me clarify, it appears our Bella dressed up as a trampy vampire - complete with a cape and fangs for Halloween. I don't think it was by choice either," I responded, trying to clarify my previous outburst.

Jasper broke into a huge smile, his amusement at Bella's costume choice filled the car. "How scantily dressed was she? Edward would flip if he heard the thoughts of guys seeing her like that. Emmett though…" Jasper shook his head with laughter and the rest of us joined in.

After regaining his composure, Carlisle spoke up. "Nobody tell Emmett. He would spend the next month laughing over that one. Alice, do you still see her _actually_ becoming one of us?"

"Yes, I still do. That image, no matter what we do, no matter what Edward does, is still very clear," I stated confidently.

Esme sighed and began to shuffle papers in the front seat. "Okay, back to the house search. It has never been this difficult to find the right home. There are lots of choices. I have told the attorney and agent we want to do this as quietly and as privately as possible. Apparently, neither of them seemed surprised by this request. I guess that request is rather ordinary here."

"I told you that this area would be perfect. People really keep to themselves. They live on these huge estates and rarely meet their neighbors. No one will question us about schools. Half the people send their children to boarding school or private schools. Besides, I am really looking forward to going to FIT," I explained. I wanted formal instruction in fashion design. I had visions of my family being whole again and happy, eventually. I knew sitting around doing nothing wouldn't resolve anything.

We drove down the famous Greenich Avenue, and if I had a heartbeat, it would have pounded out of my chest. The stores, oh the glorious stores! Saks Fifth Avenue, Tiffanys, and Richards - which had a mannequin wearing a Zegna suit that Jasper would look incredible in. He rolled his eyes as I pointed it out to him. I thought about making my style a bit more preppy as we passed by Lilly Pulitizer, JCrew, Lacoste, and Vinyard Vines. As we stopped at a traffic light, I looked out the window. A group of young women, stick thin, beautiful and fashionably- dressed walked by our car. They were bundled up for fall. I looked them up and down - Prada, Gucci, Cavalli, Missoni. I knew the corresponding page in Vogue of every visible item each of them wore.

"Oh yeah, did I mention that in Forks humans found us quite attractive, but here, with the amount of plastic surgery performed, we're going to look almost normal?"

My comment was met with half smiles from the rest of the car. Fitting in was little consolation for having to move.

We saw one home that was so large, that even if the Denalis moved in with us, it would still be too big. "I don't care if it has the most acreage. Spending $75 million dollars on a single home is too much. Even for us. Besides, we are going to get a place in New York City for us to use, as well," Esme said as we drove away from the palatial estate.

The day was spent touring homes, or rather estates, following our real estate agent through the winding roads outside of town. Most were secluded lots that were miles from their nearest neighbor. After much searching, we finally found the perfect home. It was a stately colonial, but what sold us was its location, the number of garages and the putting green.

We spent the evening celebrating our new home by exploring the surrounding forest area. There was no shortage of black bears around Bear Mountain, New York, and the deer were plentiful too.

__________________________

The next day was cloudy again, as I predicted. Esme and I took a car service to Manhattan to look at pied-a-terres while Carlisle and Jasper signed the paperwork for the Greenwich home. The ride was uneventful and I stared out at the now bare trees. They reminded me of the image of Bella's face I had seen - empty and depressed. Despite my visions, I hated that she was hurting so much. It wasn't fair to her or to us.

Esme and I spent the day viewing properties on the Upper East Side. We saw some traditional apartments in doorman buildings, but did not like having a human monitor our comings and goings.

"Is there anything on the market that will be a bit more private?" Esme asked the broker.

The real estate broker, a fast-talking brunette, smiled. "Of course, but it will be more expensive."

"Money is not an issue." Esme replied briskly. That is what I admired about Esme; as lovingly and motherly as she was, when it came to a home for our family, she was all business.

The rest of our day was spent touring large townhouses mostly in the east 60's - so very close to the B's - Bloomingdales, Bergdorfs, Barneys and Bendels. We settled on a beautiful unit with its own private rooftop deck and plenty of bedrooms.

Esme and I were alone, sitting in the broker's private office, looking over the full townhouse contract, when her cell phone rang.

"Alice, its an unknown number."

"It's Edward," I said, tapping on my head.

**Edward POV**

I had waited until nightfall before entering the Wal-mart in the small West Texas town that had recently suffered a senseless murder. I had been tracking Victoria across this dry land for a few weeks. I occasionally picked up her scent, but so far I'd found nothing. I was an awful tracker. Despite popular sentiment, I was not perfect.

"Welcome to Wal-mart." _Why, hello handsome. Condoms are in aisle 18._

I ignored the overly friendly, elderly, woman greeting customers at the door and strolled through the aisles of mass-produced merchandise. I wanted one thing and one thing only - then I would return to the solace of my motel room. To avoid having to deal with human thoughts, I had rented the rooms surrounding mine so that I was not inundated with the thoughts of the other guests. It helped some.

I finally found what I was looking for in the electronics department.

"Sir, can I help you with anything?" _Please, hurry up, dude. I've got a date after my shift and I canno_ _t wait to get with this girl._

"Yes, I need a pre-paid cell phone," I said to the teenager with craters on his face and the blue Wal-mart vest on. I could not look him in the eye after hearing his thoughts and seeing the image of him slapping the buttocks of a girl in short-shorts.

"Right over here. Do you need to purchase additional minutes?" _I am going to bend her over and stick it in her doggy style. _

"Yeah, whatever. This is fine," I replied, trying to get away from this vile creature. I hated to think that sex was all teenage boys thought about, but being around them so much, I knew that they did. I thought of Bella being surrounded by these immature beings, who were only interested in one thing. For a split second, I wanted to go back and protect her from them, but I quickly banished the thought from my mind. As vile as they were, at least they could not hurt her like I could.

I paid for the cell phone and got back into my Nissan Altima rental car with tinted windows and drove back to the dark motel I was staying at. It was the type of place that rented rooms by the hour. Lowest of the lowlifes spent time here - prostitutes, cheating spouses, and drug dealers. Their thoughts were shameful, self-loathing and desperate. I could relate. I belonged here. I was the lowest of the low. I was the monster.

Once inside, I threw the bag on the stained bedspread and sat down in the equally soiled chair that occupied a corner of the room. I stared at the package and I knew I had to make the phone call. It was long overdue.

I ripped open the clambshell packaging and read the instructions. Turning on the phone, I dialed Carlisle's cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Esme? Is that you?"

"Edward? Oh my goodness, you are okay, right? Where are you? I have been worried sick over you." Her voice changed and became more stern, "What took you so long to call? Is it that hard to pick up a phone and let us know that you are safe?" She sounded so concerned. I did not deserve to have anyone worry about me the way she did.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"So, where are you?"

"A small town in West Texas. The place makes Forks seem lively, but they've seen a rash of murders in the area and the latest just occured right here in town. They think it's a coyote."

"Victoria?"

"I think so, but she seems to be evading me somehow. Is Carlisle there?"

"Sorry, Edward, he's in Connecticut with Jasper drawing up paperwork for the new house."

I was confused. Where was Esme? I hated that I could not read thoughts over the phone. It was a limitation to my ability and it reminded me of the difficulty everyone else had getting information from those around them. "Where are you, Esme?"

"Oh, Alice and I are in New York City. We are just finishing up looking at some townhouses."

"I see. Can you put Alice on?"

"Edward?" Alice's voice was usually comforting. She could usually tell me the right path.

"Yes?"

"We miss you. It's not the same without you. Try to come home for Christmas, at least."

Her words stung. I thought of how much I had looked forward to spending Christmas with Bella this year. Even though she hated gifts, I had wanted to walk with her in the snow, see my angel make snow angels in our meadow and kiss somone under the mistletoe. My lies, my actions, I was to blame for this not coming to fruition.

"Perhaps." I could not bear disappointing Esme anymore than I already had, but I was committed to finding Victoria and destroying her.

"How is the tracking going?" Alice asked.

"You would know. Have you seen anything? I cannot seem to get a good track on her. She keeps evading me."

"I know. Even though I sent you down to Texas, I think she is getting ready to move north," Alice's voice paused. I knew she was having a vision; had I been with her, I would have seen it in my own head by reading her thoughts.

"Alice?" I tried again. "Alice, what are you seeing?"

"She knows she's being tracked. She senses danger. She will be heading back up through Canada."

"Do you know where she is going? Is she going back? Is she going after her?" Alice knew the _she _whose safety I was concerned with was my Bella.

"Edward, nothing is certain yet. I just see Victoria at the border crossing into Canada. I cannot see Bella's future because someone won't let me look into it." I thought about my request that my family not contact Bella and for Alice not to look into her future. It was a cruel request given how close of friends the two of them had become. I hated hurting my sister.

"Do what you must to keep her safe," I ordered, slamming the phone shut and ending the call. If Alice was going to look into Bella's future, so be it. The ends justified the means.

I could not picture my family moving and living somewhere else, even though we had done it countless times. Why on earth Alice had chosen New York City, of all places, baffled me. At least once I found and eliminated Victoria, I could return to them and be distracted. The city that never sleeps did offer plenty of distractions, but none of them would ever take my mind off Bella.

**Alice POV**

After getting off the phone with Edward, I told Esme that he would not be home for Christmas. Our family Christmas in Connecticut would have to be just the six of us - Rosalie and Emmett would be coming home. We made arrangements to purchase a large townhouse in the East 60's. It had a private rooftop deck, plenty of room for all of us to have our own private suites, a game room for Emmett, an office for Carlisle, and a place for Edward to play piano.

The broker was thrilled about her commission on such a large property. She kept insisting that she take us to a restaurant to celebrate, but we maintained that we weren't hungry. It wasn't a lie; we weren't, though we would have to hunt again before we returned to Alaska and made arrangements for moving. Once the contract was complete and the details were left with our attorneys, Esme and I headed back to Connecticut in the towncar.

While stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge, the phone rang again. Esme froze; she was not expecting a call and had been on edge with Edward on his own, but I assured her, "Esme, it's okay. It's Jasper."

After clutching at her chest as if her heart was still beating, she nodded and took the phone out of her bag.

"Hello?"

"Oh, yes, Jasper, I'm glad things are settled in Connecticut. We found a beautiful property in New York City and we can rent it out when it is time for us to move on. It's a great find. Oh, yes, here she is." Esme passed me the phone.

"Hello, love."

"I have missed you," Jasper replied. When he spoke to me, my troubles seemed to melt away. He was more than just my best friend and my mate; he was my center.

"I missed you too," I said.

"So, Alice, the attorney up here, who was recommended by my friend in Seattle, told us about a guy who is managing the money for people with high net worths. Says his name is Bernie. Bernie Madoff. He says everyone with money puts their money with Madoff, but you have to know someone to get into the investment group. He wants to bring us in. Since you look into all of our investing, can you think about it and let me know what you see? Carlisle and I are intrigued by the returns, but want you to double check just to be sure."

"Of course, Jasper." In the past, I usually picked out some key stocks and we made our fortunes that way. In the 1960's and 1970's, we had been part of a venture capital investment fund that funded two successful companies, Apple and Intel. I could usually see when the market was going to crash, as I had in 1987, and when it would be booming, like with the dot com era. We had been smart then too, for I had seen that bubble bursting before it had even fully expanded. "We should be back at the hotel at 8:47 P.M., give or take a second."

I hung up the phone and began to think of this Bernie Madoff. Suddenly, an image of an older gentleman being led into a courthouse wearing handcuffs flashed in my mind. This was not a good sign. It reminded me of the 1980's when we had been asked about investing in high-yield bonds. I clearly remembered the image I had years before it occured, Michael Milken being sentenced.

I shook my head.

"Alice, what did you see?"

"Esme, you don't want to know. Let's just say we are keeping our money far away from this guy Jasper wanted me to look into."

She smiled back at me and rubbed my back. "Alice, we're so lucky you found us."

Being a member of the Cullens had always felt right for Japser and me, but with Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett all away, it no longer felt like a family. Instead, it felt like we might never be whole again. I knew what I had to do next, email Bella again, and continue to do so until she responded. There was no escaping it; Bella Swan would be forever intertwined with us.

**A/N: I thought it would be comical for Alice to see the Madoff scandal before it occured and to save the Cullens from having any portion of their fortune stolen away. Yes, there really was a Venture Capital firm that invested in both Intel and Apple. Please excuse the MBA dork out, I have just provided you. Needed to put my education to some use. Follow me on twitter at ****stupidreader**

**House Pictures in my profile**


	15. Chapter 15:I Can't Stay Away

Chapter 15: **I Can't Stay Away**

**AN: For whatever reason, The Veronicas really seem to remind me a lot of Bella and Lauren and I use their songs often as my inspiration. Please be warned there is recreational drug use in this chapter. Please do not read if this offends you or if this is a trigger. I own nothing, except a few of these ancilliary characters I have created.**

**Thanks to all my readers, Poo235 and Isabel Grace.**

__

I'm conflicted  
I inhale now I'm addicted  
To this place  
To you babe  
I can't stay away  
Can't stay away  
We get up, we go down  
Then we go one more round  
It's wrong, they say  
I can't stay a- I can't stay away  
No I can't stay a- I can't stay away

_-The Veronicas_

Bella POV

As I unpacked my suitcase, the collage picture Jessica had made each of us for Christmas kept catching my eye. The pictures chronicled my time without _Him_, my life the past few months. So much had changed. I had changed. Ever since Thanksgiving, I was split into another secret life. I didn't like the person I had become but didn't know how to change it.

Jacob Black and I had become friends. Well, we more than that, but we, or rather I, were keeping the relationship a secret. It was just another facet of my life I had to hide and that was something I was used to. As much as I hated lying, I was getting really good at it. Renee suspected something, but every time she mentioned it during my time with her this past week, I changed the subject. Charlie knew that Jake and I were friends and was pleased with that. If he did suspect that we were more than friends, he didn't hint at it . Lauren, Jessica, and Angela were led to believe that I was very focused on my college applications, which I had been, but they were completed and had already been mailed. They were not aware of that small detail. A few times I had almost confessed what had transpired between Jake and me, but something was holding me back.

Why didn't I just tell my friends about Jake? I often argued with myself about it. I was not embarrassed by him. I liked Jacob, but I liked things casual. Mentally, I could not handle another heavy relationship, at least not now, not with going away to college looming in the near future. Telling my friends meant that not only Jake and I were more than friends but that we had the potential to be an actual couple, like Bengela. Us being together was reckless and stupid. To say I was using him was an understatement. Since Thanksgiving, I had "helped" Jake with his car four times, which given midterm exams, was a lot. Charlie now expected that I be able to change the oil in my car.

My dreams of Edward were still my primary motivation for hooking up with Jake. He kept coming to me in my sleep, professing his love for me, and then all but having sex with me. My sleep, although a full eight hours, was restless and I was exhausted. Every time I woke up from them I felt empty again and just wanted to feel - anything. Jake said all the right things when I was around to get me to that point of more than friends. It was not very hard. All he did was get me alone and say those magic words... _"Bella, I need you." _

Lost in my thoughts, I barely heard Charlie knock on my door before he peeped his head in.

"Hey, Bella. Glad you are home. I was going to head over to watch some Bowl Games with Billy. Do you want to come? I think Jacob's missed having you help him with his car."

"Um... Did he say something about me?"

"No, he just asked how long you were in Florida for Christmas. He's a good guy to have in your corner and I am glad he is teaching you about cars. You should know how to take care of all that stuff yourself."

_Should I go? We were just friends. Yeah right. We were so not just friends and being away from him while I was in Florida, made me miss being around him. No, running over there would send him the wrong message and if we continued like this, I would end up going to a local college, married and tying him down and that was not the life I wanted. I knew we wanted different things, even if the thing I wanted I would never have. _

"Oh, well, I think I should probably stay here and unpack. I promised mom I would send her an email about my flight. Thanks for getting the high speed Internet hooked up while I was away. Also, I really need to catch up with Lauren, Jessica and Angela. They need to know about my new cell phone number. Tell Jake I say hi though.

"Okay, suit yourself." Charlie shrugged, turned, and closed the door behind him.

For Christmas, Charlie had upgraded to a cable modem and had gotten me a cell phone. He told me he had to get more comfortable using a computer if I was going to be on the other side of the country, and the phone was for my safety and his sanity.

A few minutes later, I heard the front door close and Charlie's cruiser pull out of the driveway. I picked up my phone and dialed Lauren. We had not spoken since before Christmas, and since she returned from Florida for Thanksgiving. she had not been her party-girl self. She picked up on the first ring.

"Hey, Lauren, it's Bella."

"Hey, girl. I was going to call you. Are you back from seeing your mom?"

"Yeah, got in earlier today. Just unpacking now. Check the caller id."

"New number? Is it your cell phone? Awesome! My Christmas was typical. I got a new laptop for college, a ton of clothes, and a new ipod What about you?"

"My dad got me the phone and high speed Internet. My mom and Phil got me the plane ticket so that I could spend Christmas with them. Seeing my mom was gift enough. You know how I feel about gifts."

"Duh! So did you hear about Jessica and Christian?"

"No. What happened?"

"I think they are on a one way trip to Splitsville. She got him that portable DVD player and he got her a cd. Gift inequality equates to relationship inequality."

"Well, Jessica is working at the coffee shop, maybe she can just afford to spend more," I replied, trying to defend Christian's actions.

"Nope. Christian works too. They went shopping together and he took her into a jewelry store. She picked out a necklace, but when she went to open the gift it was a cd."

"Wow, that sucks. Are we sure its not for her birthday? Isn't it coming up soon?"

"Good point, but still she should not get shafted because her birthday is only a few weeks after Christmas. She doesn't even use cds, she downloads everything on iTunes. So, anyways, News Years Eve. Have no fear, I am already working on plans. You're not stuck babysitting like Angela, are you?"

"Nope. Me? Kids? I don't think so." I had no desire to be around children, not that I had any desire before my infertility diagnosis, but now I really didn't.

"Good, because I don't know about you but I really need to get out and have a good time."

"Yeah, Lauren, is everything okay?"

"Uhh. I guess I've been off since Halloween. I need to go Bella. My mom is calling me. I will call you once I get confirmation on New Years."

Lauren wasn't acting like herself at all. It was apparent the night I stayed over at her house and she passed out. When she got home from Thanksgiving in Florida, Lauren was not Lauren. She was acting like, well, me. She would stare off into space at the lunch table and make excuses about why she couldn't hang out. I wanted to ask her about it but I didn't want to pry either, so I kept my mouth shut. When Lauren was ready to talk she would.

"Bye, Lauren. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

After talking to Lauren, I tried to call Jessica, but she didn't pick up her phone and I hated leaving messages. Instead of doing anything productive, I ended up falling asleep. Travelling had really wiped me out, or maybe the lies were catching up to me.

**Lauren POV**

Bella sounded good. Guess she really needed some quality time with her mom. I couldn't imagine not spending time with my mom. Although most people thought teenage girls and their mom's were supposed to fight like crazy, my mom and I never had. She even took me out of school, on occasion, just to go shopping. I leisurely made my way downstairs to see what my mom wanted, this time.

"Lauren, Joan called me before she and Bart left for Argentina. She needs someone to bring in their newspaper and mail, water the plants and such. I can count on you to swing by and do that throughout the week? Right?" My mother said to me after my call with Bella.

I nodded my head, still comprehending what was being asked of me.

"I know I can count on you. The key is on the counter, in the kitchen. Make sure you go once a day."

"Sure mom, in fact, I'll head over there now. I don't want to forget."

* * *

My car pulled into the driveway of Jeff's parent's house. I had not been there in so long. Sure, I had driven by several times that first summer, but not recently. After I took a deep breath, I climbed out and made my way to the front door. I turned the key and inhaled the scent of the Fishbourne's house. Apricots air fresheners. Joan loved apricots and always kept about a zillion plug-in air fresheners around.

I set the key down on the table across from the door in the foyer and then turned around and headed back out into the cold. I retrieved the mail and the newspapers and brought them inside. Joan had left a note in the kitchen for me.

_Lauren,_

_Hi Sweetheart! Thank you so much for taking care of things for us while we go visit Jeffy. Leave everything in the basket, even the newspapers. We'll sort through it when we get home. You are welcome to anything in the kitchen. Also, you can hang out here if you need to get away for awhile. Please no parties or friends over._

_The plants: Be sure to water the plants in the study downstairs, the living room, the kitchen and upstairs in our bedroom. If you can, please pull off any brown leaves and throw them away._

_Merry Christmas!_

_Joan_

There was a time not too long ago when I really thought Joan Fishbourne would be my mother-in-law. Not now, but in like eight years or so. I loved this woman. I loved her son. Though I didn't plan to water the plants today, I wanted to make sure I knew where all of them were, so I had an excuse to tour around the house. _Snoop. Fine, I wanted to snoop in Jeff's room. _Not that anyone was watching me, but I still checked out the downstairs study, living room, and surveyed the plants in the kitchen before I went upstairs.

Bart and Joan's bedroom was down the hall from Jeff's bedroom. The other two rooms upstairs served as a guest room and a study for Bart, but Jeff had set it up for playing video games as well. Nothing had changed since the time Jeff and I started dating. It was a little odd. Joan tended to redecorate or renovate every few months. I peeked into the master bedroom. Yup, three plants by the window, before turning and heading to the opposite end of the hall where Jeff's room was.

The door was open and I saw that familiar comforter on his bed, the same one Aaron had the night freaked out at his Halloween party. _Ewh! Kevin. _ As I got closer, I noticed that the room was exactly as it had been the last time I was here. Next to Jeff's bed was a framed picture of the two of us at the spring dance. On his desk were more pictures of me. Some I had given him and others he had taken of me. _What the hell?_

My head was spinning with possible explanations and I sat on the bed to pull those thoughts together. _Lauren, get a hold of yourself! _He probably had not been home long enough to take this stuff down. He probably spent so few nights in this room that it didn't bother him. That was it. It had to be it. _But why would a guy who can barely look at me in an airport keep my picture up all over his room? If he was seeing someone else, why wouldn't he take these down?_

I leaned back and put my head on Jeff's pillow. It smelled like him, Ralph Lauren Polo. I inhaled his scent. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole again and I hated myself for it.

**Bella POV**

New Years Eve came up quickly. The days prior, I spent around the house cleaning up areas that I had neglected. I was avoiding Jake and his phone calls, but Charlie had given him my new cell phone number and he was calling me incessantly. He kept trying to entice me to come over to assist in installing a new "tailpipe." I was trying not to succumb. Thankfully, my subconscious was giving me a respite from my lucid dreams. Lauren came through with a party for us to attend, in Port Angeles, of course. Jacob had asked what I was doing and I explained to him that my girls and I were going to a party. He asked where and I told him Port Angeles. After that, the subject of New Years Eve plans didn't come up again.

We were, in fact, going to Port Angles, but this time Sarah would be hosting the party. Since it was at a girl's house, I didn't have to lie to Charlie about spending the night at Lauren's house. Besides, her parents were going to be home, but according to Lauren, we would be in their basement and Sarah's parents would be leaving us alone. Charlie was pleased parents were going to be home and that we would not be on the roads on a night when people were stupid and would drive drunk.

The day of Sarah's New Year's Eve party, Jessica drove up earlier to hang out with Christian alone before the party. They were still sorting out their issues. That left Lauren and me carpooling in her car since my car couldn't make the drive. Usually Lauren would give me some clue to what she would be wearing or what I should wear to parties, but she didn't this time. Instead, she showed up wearing jeans and a cute top but nothing overly special for ringing in the new year. I was relieved to be wearing something similar. Neither of us spoke much on the drive up there; for me it was expected, but usually Lauren was talking about boys or upcoming plans. Her silence worried me, so I did a very uncharacteristic thing. I initialized a conversation.

"Guess what, Lauren? I'm drinking tonight. Its not like we have to drive home since we are staying at Sarah's house."

"That's great," she said with zero enthusiasm.

"Lauren, what have you been up to during the break?"

"I have been helping my parents improve their filing system and put together brochures. I have to earn my weekly salary that they pay me. I am also, uh, house sitting. The owners of the house don't' mind me hanging out there so I have been going over there and just reading."

"Oh, that is cool. They just let you hang out there. Whose house is it? What have you read?"

"Uh, well, yeah they said no friends over. I finally read _The Notebook_. After seeing the movie a dozen times, I figured it was worth a read," Lauren said hesitantly. I had not read the book, so I let the conversation lull. Lauren made no effort to keep it alive either. This was very un-Lauren-like. She was usually the one to talk _my _ear off!

We finally reached Sarah's house and I was actually anxious to get out of the car. I wanted to find Jessica and talk to her about Lauren. Her behavior was really strange and I wanted to see if Jessica had any insight. Sarah greeted us at the door.

"Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Few ground rules you should know about: first, if you leave for any reason, you cannot come back. Not my rule, my parents. Second, we have to be quiet. Finally, no drugs or alcohol." She winked when saying the last one, which let us both know that it was just for her parents' benefit.

Once downstairs, we stowed our sleeping bags in a corner and Lauren held court on the couch. It was a much smaller gathering than Halloween. I was surprised to see Jason was there and even more shocked when he walked over to me.

"Bella! It's great to see you. Did you have a good Christmas?"

"It was pretty good and you?"

"Not bad, though the outlook for the new year just got a little brighter when you came down the steps. Want to grab a drink?"

We were spending the night, so there was no need to worry about DDs tonight. "Sure. Hey, Lauren, you want anything?" I asked, turning toward Lauren.

"Tequila sunrise."

"Lauren, not sure if any of the guys brought tequila," Jason replied.

With a nod of her head, Lauren motioned to her bag in the corner. "It's in my bag. Bella, do you mind getting it?"

I nodded and grabbed the tequila from her bag and handed it to Jason, who apparently knew how to make a tequila sunrise. "So, Jason, is Lisa here tonight?" It was a pretty smug question; I really didn't care, but I was curious about why he was being so friendly to me again.

"Who? Lisa? Nah. Why would she be here? Lauren, here's your drink," he said, walking the cup over to her before coming back over to me. "Bella, I told you it was a stupid mistake. So, whats your poison tonight?"

"Uhh, I dunno. Whatever."

"V8 Splash and vodka, okay?"

"Sure."

He handed me a cup and then led me over an unoccupied corner of Sarah's basement. We both sat down Indian style with him across from me and talked like we had before Halloween. Maybe it was my drink, but I thought he was coming on to me. _Bring it on, Jason. _

Jessica along with a very happy Christian, came our way and sat down.

"Hey, guys. Hope we are not interrupting anything. Bells, you got a minute? I need a little girl talk. " Jessica asked, plopping down on the floor next to me.

"Uh, yeah, Jason, lets go get some chips," Christian added.

"Carrot sticks and veggie dip," Jessica corrected.

"Of course, hun, carrot sticks for my bunny. Come, Jay." _Vomit. I hated watching Jessica and Christian being so intimate._

Jason got up and Jessica took his place on the floor. She stared at me with a huge smirk and I was not sure if I wanted to punch her or hug her.

"So, things going better with Christian?" I tried to sound interested. Things were obviously improved.

"We spent the whole day together and talked about the holidays and..." She reached into her shirt and pulled out the necklace.

"Jess, that is great. You should show that to Lauren. She has been worried about you and Christian, but I've been really worried about her. Have you noticed how off she has been lately? She's like on another planet."

"Ughh, I know. What is up with that? Right? I thought she stopped this whole angst routine a few summers ago. She has not said anything to me, but why don't we all go out for breakfast tomorrow. I bet a big plate of pancakes will make her spill."

"You think? I tried to get her to talk on the drive up and she barely said a word."

"We've just gotta try. When Lauren is ready to tell us what her deal is, she will. So, Bella, Jason? Again? Really?" Jessica raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Bella, what are you drinking? Vodka and fruit juice? Jason is totally hitting on you, again!"

I shrugged and barely noticed Jessica slipping away after Christian and Jason returned from their food run.

**Lauren POV**

_This sucks. I am so bored. I have no desire to jump the bones of any of the guys here._ Where was my mojo? All around me people were hanging out, engaged in various activities. A few people were watching television, some serious couples and some not so serious couples were in another room that was dark. I knew what was going on in there. Usually I would be one of the people in such a room, but not tonight. I was sitting on the couch, nursing a tequila sunrise, feigning interest in the conversation going on around me but only nodding my head in an effort to show I was paying attention, even though my thoughts were elsewhere, like Argentina elsewhere.

"Lauren?" someone said, brushing my arm. "Are you okay?"

I turned my head and saw it was Jessica, who had resurfaced from the couples' room. I nodded and shrugged my shoulders at the same time. "Sure. I'm fantastic."

"So, did you figure out who you were going to kiss at midnight? You know whoever you kiss is who you will spend the new year with."

I scanned the room, looking for an eligible set of lips. Bella was talking to Jason. It was humorous to watch as he kept putting his hand on her thigh in a flirtatious manner. She appeared to be oblivious to his attempts. _What a total dog!_ Chip was also here but no Kevin. I was done with both of them. Brian was watching the television, his arm around some girl who I thought she was a sophomore. I really didn't want to be here. Everyone was having such a good time. I wanted to be alone.

"Jess, I've got to get out of here. Do me a favor, give Bella a ride home tomorrow?" I ordered as I got up grabbed my coat, bag, and sleeping bag and headed up the stairs, too quickly for Jessica to even respond.

I just couldn't be here. Seeing Jeff before Thanksgiving had changed me. I still hurt and I realized I still hurt. For so long I had been masking my feelings by using guys in a physical sense and I had completely ignored my emotional needs. Now, they were pouring out of me. I was completely out of control. I should never have left Bella at the party like that, but she seemed to be doing okay. Of course she didn't run into Edward Cullen at the airport or see pictures of herself in his room.

As I drove toward Forks, I knew I didn't want to go home. Brett was there with his college friends, beer ponging the night away. I just wanted to be alone, so I headed to the one place where no one would bother me.

I walked to the familiar door and opened it up and turned on the lights inside. There was one place I wanted to spend my New Years Eve, even if I was alone. I climbed the stairs and turned on the light in Jeff's room and then I went to his dresser and found a Forks High School t-shirt. Without thinking, I stripped off my clothes, threw his t-shirt on over my head, and climbed into his bed.

"Ten - nine - eight- seven - six "

The screaming brought me out of my trance-like state and I looked around. I was still in Sarah's basement sitting on the sofa where I had been when Jessica was talking to me. I had never left. I looked down to realize my cup was empty. Bringing it to my nose I took a whiff, tequila and orange juice. How many of these had I drank? It was only midnight.

"Happy New Year!" The crowd around me screamed and cheered.

Bella was kissing Jason, or rather Jason was kissing Bella. Jessica and Christian were going at it like midnight marked the end of the world. All around me couples were having a great time together and I was alone except for Sarah and a couple of guys playing poker at a table in the back. I scanned their faces. Sarah, who had a the biggest pile of poker chips in front of her, appeared to be winning. Sitting around the table with her were Chip, Tyler, Newton and what was this. Kevin had shown up? Standing up, I could feel the tequila had taken control of me as I sauntered over to the table. Walking over there, I misjudged the distance between the corner of the wall and myself and hit my entire right side against it but I kept walking. Once at the table, I walked around and planted a juicy wet kiss on everyone's cheeks, even Newtons and Sarah's. They weren't just playing poker, they were smoking pot and about to start a round of strip poker.

Now, as far as recreational drugs went, I followed the Cher Horowitz philosophy from _Clueless, _ _"It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day."_ Something to mellow me out seemed like just what I needed right now.

"Hey, guys, Happy New Year," I said as sexily as I could muster. "Mind if I partake?"

They passed me the bong and the lighter, and I lit that puppy up and inhaled a massive amount, which caused me to almost cough up a lung.

"That is some strong shit. Where'd you get it?"

Newton spoke up proudly, "One of the reservations. They grow some supremo weed." _He is such a dork._

Everyone else was talking while the tequila and the pot were battling for control of my body. Everything was cloudy and light at the same time. I felt relaxed and hungry.

"Sarah, do you have any cereal? I feel like cereal," I said, my words slurring together.

"Uh, upstairs, but don't go up there. Just eat whatever we have down here, mmm-kay." _Fuck, even stoned this girl is in control. _

"Coo-el. Guys, I am going to go grab some food. Anyone want to join me?"

"I'll go."

"Me too."

I had been looking down at my feet and didn'tsee who had said what but quickly figured out that both Chip and Kevin were going to be accompanying me over to the food. _This could get interesting._

**Bella POV**

Drunk. Definitely drunk. Definitely, definitely drunk_. Oh god, I am Rainman_! Happy 2006. After ringing in the new year with a kiss, we played a few drinking games and hung out. Around 3 AM, Sarah turned down the lights and everyone changed into their pajamas or whatever they chose to sleep in and rolled out their sleeping bags. Jason secured a place for our two sleeping bags in the back corner slightly away from everyone else. Lauren was not too far away, her sleeping bag positioned between Chip's and Kevin's. She was acting overly friendly with both of them.

Since the room was spinning a bit, Jason led me over to our spot and began kissing me. _Do I want Jason to kiss me? _He was not as sloppy as Jake, but his breath did reek of onion dip and potato chips. I looked around and shrugged. _Ehh. Why not? What else am I going to do?_ Lauren was busy and Jessica was nowhere in sight. Not really knowing anyone else here that well. What did I really have to lose? Instead of pushing him away, I opened my mouth a bit further and welcomed his tongue inside. His hands grasped the small of my back but slowly moved down to grab my butt. I moved in closer and grasped his hair.

"Oh, Bella, I need you," he whispered.

At that moment when he said Jacob's magic words that always seemed to unglue me, a thought occured to me. _ Both Jason and Jacob wanted me and needed me. _I stopped holding back and just went for it. As his kisses deepened and his hands freely roamed over my body, I was not in control of my actions and that I really did not care what he said. It did not matter what any guy said if they wanted me they could have me. It would never make up for the fact that the one guy I wanted and needed no longer wanted me. So what did it matter?

With that thought, I hitched my leg around Jason's waist and began sucking on his ear. I pressed my chest against his and traced the lines of his body with my finger. Stunned by my assertiveness, Jason sat there for a few moments waiting to see what I would do next. Instead of acting on my hormones, I put my head on his chest and closed my eyes. The world went dark.

**Lauren POV**

The rest of the night was sort of blurry. I remembered making out with Kevin and Chip. One would kiss me while the other one fondled me. I felt like a piano at open mike night, being toyed with by so many sets of fingers. It felt good, don't get me wrong, just hazy. I kept trying to get them to kiss one another, but they were not _that_ baked, that I was sure of. Sarah insisted that we all, at least for appearance sake, turn the lights off and look like we were sleeping. I think at one point Jessica pulled me aside and helped me change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Otherwise, I probably would have run around the basement naked. I think I was losing at strip poker. Was I even playing strip poker?

I vaguely recalled Kevin and Chip finding a spot for the three of us to sleep. At any moment I thought the two of them would begin to fight over me, or at least a thumb war but the two of them seemed to have an understanding that they would share me. What did I care? I didn't. Instead of each of us in our own sleeping bag, I woke up the next moring to the three of us together in what was like a queen size bed. One of the guys must have unzipped one of the sleeping bags and laid it on the floor and then covered us up with the other two.

I remember that both Kevin and Chip wearing nothing but their boxers slept on either side of me. I remember commenting that Chip's had cartoon characters on it and Kevin's were plaid and boring. Though, I think the word I used was, "bo-whoring". There was one part of the evening I do recall. The guys began their kissing and fondling routine on me, again. It was making me sort of wet but it really was not doing much for me, unlike them, both of them. I reached out and started stroking both of them at the same time as their boxers allowed for easy access. I think I fell asleep or blacked out at that point because the next thing I remember was waking up or opening my eyes as Chip was going down on me while I was sucking on Kevin's cock. All night long, or rather early morning, until the dawn broke, the three of us explored and played under the blankets. It was like a Twister game gone awry - limbs everywhere. I just wish I could remember everything that happened, but then again maybe its a good thing I couldn't recall.

**Bella POV**

I knew where I was. It was the forest outside my house. Edward was there. _Oh my goodness, I am dreaming again. _We were taking a walk. We were taking _the _walk. _I am in control._ I knew what was coming. _How can I make this different?_

"Edward," I said, turning toward him, "you are about to make the biggest mistake of our lives. Or my life," I corrected.

"Bella," he replied as he caressed the side of my face and kissed my forehead.

"No! You can't leave. You are lying. You do want me. You do need me. Don't do this. You are not the only one. Jake and Jason, they want and need me too," I said, hoping it would change the outcome.

"I see." My face fell. He was not jealous. He was not possessive. He was not protective of me. The Edward in this dream was not my Edward.

"It doesn't matter. The only one that matters is you. It has always been you. It will always be you. Please, Edward." The tears began to fall.

"I..." He didn't finish but disappeared in the fog.

"Edward! Don't leave me!" I screamed, awakening myself. I sat up in my sleeping bag and realized I had awoken everyone else in the room as well. They were all sitting up and staring at me. I could feel my face grow hot. My second worst nightmare was coming true after reliving my biggest nightmare. Jason, who was next to me, didn't even try to comfort me. Instead, he looked at me and then inched away from me like I was a leper.

No one said a word but continued to stare at me. Lauren was the first to speak. "That is fucked up," she said, shaking her head and staring at me in disbelief. Looking at her wedged between between two half-naked guys, I could not help but think the exact same way about her.

**A/N: I apologize for the Lauren fade to black but I just could not write a threesome. Lauren was in no state to remember so since it is from her POV you got her POV of what happened. Follow me on twitter at stupidreader.**


	16. Chapter 16:Testerone Boys and Harlequin

_**A/N: I own nothing except a DVD copy of Billy Madison. Yes, I intentionally made the sorority Nu Omega Tau, NOT and the fraternity Delta Iota Kappa - DIK (Can't Hardly Wait - Trip McNeely, W. and Van Wilder). The song is from Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco. Thanks to Isabel Grace and Poo235.**_

_Chapter 16: Testosterone Boys and Harlequin Girls_

**Bella POV**

Waking up at Sarah's house on New Year's Day was the second worst feeling in my entire life. Rather, waking up and vomiting multiple times was the second worst experience in my life. At least that is what I was thinking as I was clutching the cold porcelain. Until I looked down at my hand and saw my scar. Third worst feeling in my life. This was the third worst feeling in my life. Then I thought about my relationship with Jake, fourth. This was the fourth worst feeling in my life. Why did I drink so much? Why did I make-out with Jason? What was I thinking? I wasn't. _I just want to go home. _I brought my head to rest on the toilet seat, but I must have put it down too hard because instead of placing it on the seat, I banged it. _That's going to leave a mark. _

The drive back to Forks was quiet. Lauren was feeling about the same as me, if not worse, but she still managed to drive us safely home. I could not believe she had fooled around with two guys at the same time. It was hard for me to even look at her. I knew she had been drinking, maybe even doing drugs; it all seemed like too much, like she had gone completely out of control. _I hope I never get to that point. _We never discussed my outburst. When I had woken up, I was too concerned with my hangover and reaching the bathroom in time. Lauren dropped me off in front of my house without so much as a goodbye. I was pleased to see Charlie's cruiser was missing. The note on the kitchen counter confirmed that he was at the Black's watching football. _Thank goodness._ I went upstairs and showered off the night before. After getting dressed, I debated calling Renee; instead I would send her an email. I was so happy not to have to dial up anymore. I just turned the computer on and opened a browser, and there was my email. I hit the compose button.

_Hi Mom,_

_Sorry I have not called yet. Lauren and Jessica and I were up real late last night at a girl's house in Port Angeles. It was fun. What did you and Phil do? Did you make any resolution? I haven't yet. _

_No word yet from any schools but hopefully soon. School starts tomorrow. I cannot believe it is my last semester of high school! I miss you lots._

_Love,_

_Bella_

I went to check any new emails. Jake had forwarded me a few jokes and Lauren had sent me an invite to join Facebook a few days ago. I preferred real friendships to online ones. The whole idea of finding people and friending them didn't make a lot of sense to me, and I doubted the Cullens were on there. I checked my junk mail folder. _That's interesting. _I usually got one email from a fake sender but not multiples and they rarely used my nickname. Usually, if they did use my name, it was Isabella Swan or Isabella Marie Swan, but rarely were the emails addressed to Bella. It was one of the perks of having a nickname. I opened up one of the emails from Mary Brandon. _Brandon? Brandon? _I knew I had heard that name before, but where?

My eyes bugged out as I read the most recent message before I clicked on all the messages Mary Brandon sent. They all said similar things. _Believe in fate. Have faith. It all works out. _I could not believe my eyes. Alice. Mary Alice Brandon. I felt the bile rise in my throat again, and I ran out to the bathroom just in time. After several dry heaves, I rinsed my mouth out, brushed my teeth and returned to my room.

I didn't know what to feel. Part of me was angry. Why now? Why give me false hope? What did she see? What did she know? Why? The other part of me was relieved that there was the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel of my living teenage hell.

_Reply! _I forgot I could have a two-way conversation with her.

I went back to my computer and responded to her message.

_I know it's you. What does this mean? What do I do now? Do I just sit around and wait? Do I live my life? Tell me what to do! I'm lost._

With a click of a button, I was now tied to the internet as I anxiously awaited a reply.

**Lauren POV**

The new year started out with a killer hangover and a boom! Bella's blood curdling scream made her the talk of the entire teenage population of the Olympic Peninsula. People were now using _bella_ as a synonym for freaking out. As in, "we had a pop quiz in calculus today. I totally bella'ed when the teacher announced it in class." The other big news item was that Jessica dumped Christian right after she woke up on New Year's Day. Not to sound condescending, but I was proud of her. She got her necklace and she kept her pride.

Despite Jessica's love life drama, life droned on. College applications were completed and everyone was anxiously awaiting their future. I was sick of everything:my friends, high school, living at home, my reputation. My mom chalked it up to senioritis, but the truth of the matter was I had been living in the fast lane and it was catching up with me. We were all so self-absorbed, well, everyone but Angela. Angela listened to all of us and rarely spoke about her own issues, if she had any. When she sat with us girls, she and Ben would exchange glances from across the cafeteria. As much as I was envious of what she had, together Bengela were a very cute couple and were so at peace with one another. To the rest of us, when Ben and Angela were together, all was right with the world. If only I could say the same thing for the rest of us.

Bella's nightmare sufficiently creeped Jason out and he had not even bothered to call. I was glad Bella was indifferent; had it been Jessica in that position, she would have overanalyzed everything and would have never shut up about the status of Jason calling. Instead, Bella shrugged it off and continued like nothing had even happened. She did finally clue us in on what she was up to - she was learning about cars from that kid, Jacob Black. I think there was more there than what she was letting on, but if she wanted to say they were just friends, who was I to question her? I remembered him from our trip to First Beach last year. That trip had been okay. I had seriously flirted with Tyler and that older guy, Sam. He had some girlfriend, Leah, but they were on the outs or something. I had seen her at Halloween without him. No one realized how much I saw, but I did. I put up a great facccade. Anyways, I digress, one thing I had come to realize about Bella was that she never shared information without being prompted to do so. It was sort of refreshing compared to Jessica.

Jessica was worse than she had been after her break-up with Newton. In the end Jessica confided that it was the whole "affair of the necklace" that was the straw to break the camel's back. Christian's crappy gift giving wasn't what solidified her decision; it was the distance. The girl hated always driving to Port Angeles. She actually told him he couldn't go the distance. _Whatever._ She still talked incessantly about him and constantly questioned her decision about ending things. Bella couldn't relate with dumping a guy at all, especially one Jessica still had some feelings for. I, on the other hand, encouraged her to move on, get over, or under it. I really didn't care, whatever it took for her to just shut up.

The perfect opportunity to do just that came about when Brett finally agreed upon a date for us girls to come for a visit. Of course, Angela's dad would not let her go, but Bella and Jessica were in for the trip. Chief Swan actually thought it was a good idea for Bella to see UW. I suspected he secretly hoped she would fall in love with the campus and stay closer to home rather than moving across the country to experience that picturesque college experience. As per usual, Jessica's mom didn't care too much and my parents were practically packing my suitcase for me. I secretly suspected they were swingers or lived really crazy lives before kids. Their lack of care in parenting me and eagerness to be empty nesters only heightened my suspicions. _Ewhh! Mental picture of my parents and the Fishbournes doing lines of coke or body shots off one another. Vomit in my mouth._

The weekend was planned out perfectly thanks to Jennifer, Brett's girlfriend. We would leave school early and drive to Seattle, stay with Jennifer in her dorm, and then head to Brett's frat house for a highlighter party. On Saturday, we would tour the campus and have lunch at Nu Omega Tau. The girls were having a mixer with Brett's house, Delta Iota Kappa, on Saturday night, which we were invited to attend as well. Sunday after breakfast, we would head back to Forks. It seemed foolproof. I even thought we could sell Bella on the whole UW thing; surely we could pull some strings for her to send in a late application.

**Bella POV**

After Christmas break, my dreams featuring Edward continued but they weren't as physically exhausting as they once were. Instead of seducing me in bed or leaving me in the forest, in my dreams he would just sit in the rocking chair and stare at me while I watched him. We never exchanged words, we just looked at one another. Each morning I would wake up angry and confused.

Second semester of my senior year had begun. The feelings I felt when I woke up each morning: anger, confusion, emptiness continued throughout my day. I did my best to put on a happy face and act like a normal teenagers. My friends were all distracted with their own lives to take too much notice. The only mention of New Year's Eve was when Jessica asked if I had spoken to Jason lately. She had ended her relationship with Christian and I thought she wanted to hear how he was doing. I told her truthfully that I had no desire to ever see Jason ever again. My days returned to a very predictable pattern. My time was spent in very specific ways: if I wasn't working, doing homework, editing the yearbook, or spending time with the girls, I was hanging out with Jake.

Often we would just talk. He was going through a "friends crisis," a couple of his friends started ditching him to hang out with Sam Uley. Jake was convinced they were like a cult, rogue gang or something. When Jake talked about it, I nodded my head and tried to understand, but really I was in no condition to help other people, despite my tendency to take care of other people. Instead, I just provided an ear to his conspiracy theories.

When we weren't talking, we would watch television, usually _the Simpsons _or cooking shows on _The Food Network. _Jake was especially fond of an Italian cooking show, but I suspected his fondness for the show stemmed from the chef's ample breasts rather than her actual cooking skills. Usually after watching television, Jake would suggest we go and hang out in the shed where he worked on his car. I had no desire to fool around. This meant I was constantly fending off his advances. I really wanted to take our relationship back down into friendship mode, but wanting something to happen and reality were often two very different things. I lied and told Jake that I had cramps for two weeks in a row. My excuses and lies came flying out of my mouth every time he tried to move south of my equator. I felt really bad about our relationship but my guilt didn't stop me from pleasuring him. I felt like I owed him for putting up with me. He never mentioned it, but I was sure he had heard about my nightmare on New Year's Eve. I heard the whispers, and whenever Jake's friends, Quil and Embry, would join us, they looked at me strangely. That was the way my new year began.

The blur of routine allowed the days to run into one another. Until I looked at the calendar on January 17th. Seventeen days. For 17 days, I had been obsessed with checking my email. I kept patiently awaiting Alice's response, but it never came. I tried to hide my latest quirk by trying to act normal, but it was my one year anniversary of being in Forks, and the day was bittersweet. Had I never moved here, I would have never met _Him, _but I could not imagine my life without having known him. So it was no surprise when I slipped up at lunch. My friendship with Jake was pretty incognito until I was asked what I was doing Friday night. I explained that Jake and I were going to hang out, maybe see a movie. I could see the wheels turning in Lauren's head. She knew something was up. I was not a very good liar and she knew it.

The ironic thing was Jake ended up cancelling on me. Apparently, he wasn't feeling well. On Saturday, I called to see if he wanted me to bring him soup and Billy answered. He told me Jake had mono, couldn't have visitors and was too weak to talk on the phone. I wasn't to call him; he would call me when he was feeling up to it. When I googled mono, I learned it was the kissing disease and was concerned I would get it too. No symptoms ever showed up and I shrugged it off. I sent Jake a few e-cards but I never heard back from him. I guess I was getting used to people disappearing and not returning emails.

I remembered the weekend Jake cancelled on me because that was when Lauren began trying to convince me to join her and Jessica on a trip to Seattle. They were going to meet up with the sorority they wanted to join and go to a few fraternity parties or something. I was not too keen on going, but as usual, Lauren was relentless. She actually went behind my back and coaxed Charlie into allowing me to go. She told him that since I had not seen UW, this trip would be good for me and maybe I would end up going there. Though Charlie had not taken to Lauren as he had with Alice, he wholeheartedly agreed, completely unaware that Lauren was less concerned with campus tours and more concerned with parties. I suspected that she was anxious to see Jeff but she didn't say so outright. After much manipulation, I finally agreed to go, on the condition that I could access my email while I was there.

A week later, we left school a little early in Lauren's car and made our way to Seattle. It was about a three hour drive and Jessica and Lauren were talking in the front seat. I was in the back seat, alone with my thoughts. Of course, my thoughts went back to _Him._ I missed hearing his voice in my dreams and the sensation of him touching me. I would give anything to have one of those dreams; even if I had to relive him leaving me, at least it was him. He was always on my mind as much as I tried to distract myself. School, work, yearbook, my friends, Jake were all just time fillers for the moments I wasn't thinking about my love.

As we got closer to Seattle, I saw it, a silver Volvo S60R. His car. It was passing us on the right. I kept my eyes pealed to the driver until I realized it was a middle aged woman driving the car, not him. Every time we passed any silver Volvo, even the station wagons, I could not help but just check to see who was driving. I shook my head, angry at myself for having false hope and stupidly believing he could be as close as Seattle. It wasn't him. They, whereever they were, were long gone and far away.

**Lauren POV**

"Cheers!" We all said in unison as we clanked our beer cans together. We were pre-drinking in Jennifer's dorm room before heading out to the highlighter party. Bella and Jessica were not sure what that was, so I had explained it on the drive down and then again when I gave them the Hanes white wifebeater I had picked up for each of us at Thriftway.

"A highlighter party is when everyone wears white and draws on one another. Everything is lit up with blacklight so all the writing glows. It's supposed to be really cool." I was really excited about going to my first frat party. I had done high school parties for four years now; okay, five, I snuck into a few when I was in middle school, but this was a frat party.

_Finally. _Last year, my parents refused to allow me to go to frat parties with Brett when we went to visit him. They wanted him to not have to drag his little sister around, like he did in high school, but now that I was only months away from college, it was okay. Jessica was excited at the possibility of hooking up with a college guy and Bella, well, Bella as per usual was completely out of it. For me, there was only one guy I cared about seeing tonight, Jeff. Seeing him was the only thing that made my days leading up to this visit worth living. I just wanted him to see me. Really see me. Look at me. I was not that little girl he just left behind; I had grown up. I had been in control in my relationships. _Ehh, who am I kidding? I am so not over this guy. _

After New Years, I had to go back to Jeff's house to get the mail and water the plants. On my last visit before Joan and Bart returned home, I brought my perfume, Ralph Lauren Romance and sprayed it on his pillow. He would know the scent. He would know I had been there. I never heard anything about it from Brett. Jeff had come home with his parents. According to Brett, he learned a lot about the economic and cultural life of Argentina, even if the program was only a few weeks long. He was back at school now and since he and Brett lived in the same frat house, I was bound to see him.

"So, Jen, tell me all about college life," Jessica exclaimed as she plopped herself down on to the Aerobed on the floor.

"It is different than I thought. Last year, I didn't think I would go Greek, so I signed up for the dorms. I changed my mind when I visited the campus later in the spring. Meeting Brett changed things and so I decided to try Greek life. When I rushed I fell in love with the Nu girls. You know, rush is a mutual selection process. Not only do you have to be the right fit for the sorority, but the sorority has to be the right for you. So, now I will move into the house next year. Most freshman who rush end up in houses and live there all four years. I think the dorm is a good experience, but so is Greek life," Jen explained.

Watching Jen talk, I realized that I liked her. Before, I wasn't so sure, I had not spent that much time with her, but the more time I spent, the more I saw that she was good for Brett. They had met last spring when she was visiting the campus as a pre-frosh. She was a saint to put up with his meatheadedness. She really was pretty with a heart-shaped face, naturally wavy light brown hair and ice blue eyes. She sort of reminded me of that Noxzema girl, Rebecca Gayheart. Not that I was intimidated by how pretty she was, I was Lauren Mallory after all.

"How are your classes? Are they harder thanhigh school?" Bella asked. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, nursing her beer. After her disastrous night with V8 Splash, Vodka and Jason, she had not drunk much at all.

"It's different. You're not in class for six or seven hours straight, you know? For instance, I have three classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, two on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a lab on Friday afternoons. Allison, what about you?"

Allison, Jennifer's heavy-set roommate,was sitting on her bed, reading a book, and doing her best to ignore us. I sensed that she had reluctantly agreed to allow us to crash in her room. She peeked out from her _Intro to Psychology_ book. "If you have taken AP courses, those are pretty good transitions. Its a lot of reading and not as much busy work. My biggest adjustment has been sharing a room." _Geez, what crawled up that girl's butt? _

"That is good to know. I am so sick of worksheets and stupid pointless homework," I said with a huff. "When do we head over to the house for the party? No offense, but this is boring. Drinking with girls, I can do that at home. Seriously, girls, no offense. Allison, are you coming with us?"

"A frat party? No thanks," she said. I glanced over at Bella who was browsing the books Allison had on her shelf and almost thought Bella would try to stay with her, but she seemed okay with the evening's plan.

"Let me give your brother a call so he can send a pledge over to pick us up," Jennifer replied.

"Lauren, aren't you going to wear a bra under your wife-beater?" Jessica asked.

I looked down at my chest, my nipples were slightly visible. "Wasn't planning on it. Why do you think I need to? I bought these shirts in boys' sizes and not men's? Does it look really bad?" I asked as I checked myself again in the mirror. While Jessica, Bella, and Jen were wearing jeans with heels, well, ballet flats for Bella, I was wearing a short denim skirt that was frayed at the bottom and heels. It was winter time and cold out but we were not going to be outside that long, so I figured my North Face Fleece ought to keep me warm enough.

"No, it's just, well, I can totally see your nipples," Jessica replied reluctantly.

"That, my dear, is the point!" I had gone up a whole cup size since Jeff had broken up with me and it was not like he could ogle my goodies at the airport.

I didn't pay much attention to what was going on until we stepped foot inside the frat house. _Would he even talk to me? What if he had a girlfriend or a boyfriend?_ My stomach turned a few times and I suddenly regretted eating both pizza and cheese sticks. Thankfully, Brett met us at the door. He had been at Jennifer's when we arrived that afternoon but had left to finish setting up for tonight's party.

"Hey, girls," he said as he kissed Jennifer on the cheek and gave me a disapproving look as he checked out my outfit. "Really, Lauren?" Brett asked, shaking his head. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Let me show you around." He pointed out the common room, the dining hall, and the social room. Brett was careful to point out where the women's bathrooms were located. He informed us they were locked down to just girlfriends and special guests during parties, and then he took us up to the rooms.

"This is the president's suite," he said, pointing to a large room with a huge bar in it. "Most of the executive board is on this floor. My room is down the hall. If anyone gives you girls trouble tonight, come up here," he explained as he opened up the door to his room.

"Where's Jeff's room?" I asked, and then I suddenly regretted asking.

"Lauren!" Brett cried. If looks could kill, I'd be a corpse.

"I'm just curious," I replied, shrugging.

"Three doors down, but don't bother him." _Why?_

"Like the band?" I asked, trying to be funny but Brett ignored me.

"Lauren, Jessica, Bella, this is my roommate Josh," Brett said, gesturing to a hulking guy with a killer tan, light brown, almost bronze-colored hair, bright green eyes, and a crooked smile. His hair was the exact same color as... _Fuck. _He was just Bella's type. Well, except for the whole tan thing and the green eyes. This guy was hot. He had very similar features to Edward Cullen. _Fuck. This could not be good._

Before Jessica could cry _dibs, _I looked over at Bella whose jaw was practically laying on the floor. I elbowed Jessica and motioned my head over to Bella. She smiled and nodded, understanding my nonverbal queues in a way only a BFF could.

"Nice to meet you, ladies. It's a pleasure to finally meet the infamous Lauren Mallory," he said to me, but his eyes were positioned on Bella like she was the most fascinating creature on earth.

"What have you heard about me?" I didn't wait for a response, "cause if it's good, then it's all true," I replied with a flighty laugh. My flirting went completely unnoticed.

_Crickets. Crickets. Crickets._

"Anyone want a beer? Winecooler? Shot?" Brett asked, trying to break the awkward silence.

We all sat and drank in Brett & Josh's room for an hour or two, just shooting the shit. Josh was pre-med, majoring in biology from Chicago. I nursed a bottle of beer, observing how Josh and Bella kept making eyes at one another. It was cute but my mind was elsewhere. I was anxious to try and find Jeff.

**Bella POV**

Being on a college campus was definitely an experience. Jennifer was extremely nice and was very understanding about letting me check my email on her laptop. Lauren was hyper and Jessica seemed intent on trying to hook up. I felt like I was just along for their wild ride. UW had a decent campus, it was a big school, but it just didn't feel right to me. I still was not sure what I wanted, but within a few hours of being here, I knew this wasn't it. Maybe this what Alice meant by "believe in fate," the right school would be just that, the right school. Maybe I just had to leave it all up to a higher power. It still made no sense that she had not replied to me.

Tonight's party was a highlighter party. We were all to go around and draw on one another. Brett met us at the door of his fraternity. He was really friendly and showed us around, like a good host. It hurt to watch him and Jennifer together. They were so natural with one another, so at peace in one another's presence. Being around them for the tour was making me very uneasy, but that changed when Brett's roommate, Josh,walked in the room. He looked so much like, _Him,_ my Edward_._ Well, he was about the same height, same color hair, and his facial features were similar, not exact, but similar. The greatest difference was that Josh had a tan and green eyes. As much as I hated to admit it, I was intrigued and I could not take my eyes off of him.

Josh walked with me as he and Brett led us into the social room, with its blacklights. The way we glowed gave the entire party a very cosmic atmosphere.

"What's that?" Josh asked, taking my hand and pointing down to my scar. It was glowing and sparkling in the blacklight. It was noticeable that something was off about it.

"I'm clumsy. It's just a scar," I replied, pulling back my hand and crossing my arms across my chest.

"But why does it sparkle?" he countered.

"I don't know; it must be the light," I said as I walked away from him and caught up to Jessica. I couldn't believe that venom scars sparkled in blacklight, but then again, most people who have been bitten by vampires are either dead or a vampire. It glittered a little in the sunlight, but luckily sun was rare in Forks.

Brett took us down to where pledges were serving drinks and gave us this punch-like concoction. He and Jennifer explained that it was called jungle juice, a mixture of grain alcohol and fruit punch. The pledge who gave us the drink actually served it out of a trashcan. Jennifer explained that jungle juice was served mostly to the girls who attended the party and to be careful because it was known to make people very drunk. She also told us not to leave our drinks anywhere and if we put them down to get a new one, just in case anyone slipped us the date rape drug. Charlie would like this girl.

I kept my hand with the scar hidden in the pocket of my jeans. Brett started introducing us to a few of his fraternity brothers. Jessica seemed to be interested in them. I just stood there, nursing my drink and bobbing my head to the music. A few of them asked to write on my shirt, and I turned around so they could, on my back. I didn't reciprocate. I wasn't sure what to write or what to draw or anything like that.

People were really starting to get into the music. Thankfully, neither Lauren nor Jennifer had tried to drag me out onto the dance floor. As more people came to dance, the room grew very hot, even though I was wearing a tank top. This was not my idea of a good time. I hated dancing and I hated crowds like this.

I stood there while everyone else was talking, or rather screaming, over the music when Josh rejoined our group. He asked me something, but I couldn't hear him at all. Instead of screaming into one another's ears, he grabbed the drink out of my handand took hold of it as he led me back up the stairs to his room.

"Here, sit down here on the flip and fuck," Josh instructed.

"The what?"

"Just sit down. So, Bella. Tell me about yourself. All I know is you're from Forks and you're friends with Lauren," he instructed, pointing to the cushion on the floor.

"Yup, that's right." I replied.

"Do you have a last name?" Josh asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Bella is my nickname. Isabella Swan."

"Are you jailbait?" He asked, crossing his arms.

I realized he was asking if I was over 18. "No, I'm not. I'm 18."

"Gosh, Bella, this is like pulling teeth. You are making me feel like Barbara Walters or something. You live in Forks, have you always lived there?

"Sorry," I winced. "I've lived in Forks for a year. Before that I lived with my mom in Phoenix." I looked over at Josh. He was patiently sitting there, patiently smiling at me, his green eyes were shining each time our eyes met. It hurt to look at him. He looked so much like…I looked down at the floor.

"Phoenix? Never been. I noticed you weren't dancing downstairs, so what do you like to do?" He leaned over, trying to get me more engaged in the conversation.

"Umm... I used to like to read, but lately it just has not interested me as much. I do yearbook, not really into sports. I guess I am pretty boring."

"No sports? What's the matter, you don't like playing with balls?" He asked. His face was blank.

"No, I am pretty clumsy, especially when it comes to balls."

"Whoa! I'll have to keep that in mind!" He exclaimed, a smile cracking on his face.

It suddenly dawned on me that he wasn't talking about sports. _Uggh! I am so naive! _"Oh, ha, ha, I get it. Very funny, Josh," I said as I gave him a disgusted look. He then winked at me. _He winked at me_. Who does that? He was nothing like Edward. Nothing at all.

Josh leaned his head back and sighed. He then brought it back up and caught my eye. "Stop looking at me, Swan...."

"What? You were looking at me."

"Adam Sandler? _Billy Madison_? Bella, tell me you know this. Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really. Stop looking at me, swan."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but it was funny. I laughed, even though I had not seen the movie, or I couldn't recall seeing it anyway. "Sorry, I haven't seen it." I shook my head with laughter. Drinking had caused my movements to be even more clumsy and exaggerated.

"We can change that. I have it here. Come on, let's watch it. It's hilarious. You'll love it."

"Okay, anything beats the party going on downstairs. It's really not my scene," I said, shaking my head.

**Lauren POV**

After pre-drinking in their room for awhile, Josh and Brett led us girls down to the social room where the DJ was already spinning. The lights were out and blacklights had been put in the light fixtures so that we all glowed. They explained that drinks were in the dining room. Pledges would be pouring our choice of beer or jungle juice - grain alcohol mixed with fruit juice served out of trash bins lined with bags. We went down to grab drinks first. No Jeff in the dining room.

Despite the warnings about the jungle juice, we each took a cup and began to drink. We headed into the social room where more people had started to arrive and I was handed a highlighter. _Yellow?_

"Can I have pink instead?" I asked the pledge who was handing out highlighters to all of the party-goers. Bella had a green one and Jessica had a yellow one. Jennifer had left to meet up with a few of her sorority sisters. Bella, as per usual, seemed uncomfortable as she kept eyeing the door. _Couldn't that girl just cut loose and have fun? _Jessica was eyeing every guy in the room.

Brett came by our side and started to introduce us around to every Tom, Dick, and Harry brother of his. I figured I would learn their names next year. I drew on a few of their shirts and the guys signed mine, always on the back. With Brett around, no one dared get near my chesticle region. One of them, I think it was Tom, or maybe it was Dick, led Jessica off to the dance floor, leaving Bella, Brett and me standing around, talking as best as we could over the music. Bella's eyes were darting around again until they stopped by the entrance again. I looked over. There they were. There he was. Josh talking to Jeff. _Holy fucknuts!_

Jeff walked away but Josh walked over and tried to join in on the conversation. With the bass pumping and the music so loud, we could barely hear him. Josh replaced the drink Bella was holding with his hand and motioned to the door with his head. He looked at me, I nodded, and watched as they walked away. There I was at a frat party with my big brother. No guys were talking to me or even giving me a second look after Brett introduced me. _That rat bastard! He must have told all the guys that I was hands off. I swear I was going to punch my brother square in the nuts for this._

I had to get away from my cockblocking brother. Thinking quickly, I yelled into Brett's ear, "I'm parched. I'm going to get something to drink." I swiftly exited the room and made my way back to the dining room before he had the chance to stop me. I grabbed a cup of jungle juice and pounded it down. Once I finished it, I asked for a refill. By my third cup, I noticed Jeff was also in the room, talking to the pledges, who were busy pouring drinks. I had enough liquid courage in me, and no restraint of my older brother, to finally approach him.

I put my cup down and pivoted on my foot, carefully walking over to him. He looked completely edible tonight in a white muscle shirt and jeans.

"Hi?" I said, the words sounding more like a question than a greeting, as if I was asking if it was okay that I approached him.

He looked down at me, crossed his arms across his chest, and his lips formed a half smile, half smirk. "Hi. I heard you were going to be here."

"Pre-frosh weekend. You know, meet the Nu girls, tour campus, get adjusted to college life," I replied. I hoped I was coming across as aloof as possible, but the amount of alcohol in my system made control quite difficult.

"I guess I'm going to have to adjust to seeing you around?"

"Jeff!" Cried a tall, leggy, blonde with too much make-up on as she went in to give my Jeff a hug. I hated her already. Was he dating her? Had he slept with her?

"Tina, great to see you," he replied. Jeff, always mindful of his manners - Joan had taught him well - began to introduce us, "Tina, this is Lauren," he said with the emphasis on Lauren. _Great okay, who the fuck is this Tina chick. _"Lauren, this is Tina. She is a freshman pledge at Nu and is dating my little brother in the house, Ethan, who is a pledge. They were high school sweethearts."

_Oh! Really? _

"I have heard so much about you. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Are ya part of the group of pre-froshes coming to the house tomorrow for lunch?" She asked, continuing to make eye contact with Jeff. I wish I knew what she was thinking and what she had heard about me. Had someone written the unauthorized biography of me or something?

"Yup. I'll be over," I said, not wanting to talk too much to give away the fact that I was really drunk. Legacy or not, something like that could get a girl blackballed from a house.

"Jeff, it's too loud in here to talk. Why don't ya take Lauren up to your room? I'm sure the two of you have a lot to catch up on. Besides, how many times can this DJ play "Gold Digger"? I'm starting to detest Kanye West. Ethan's shift is almost over. I can't wait till pledging is over!"

I loved this girl. She gave me a hug and then walked away. If this what sorority sisterhood was like, sign me up.

"So, want to go somewhere to talk?" Jeff asked, looking down at his feet.

_Fuck yeah! _"Sure," I said, hoping I sounded nonchalant.

I followed him up the steps to the rooms. There were people drinking all over the place in the halls. The guys had since replaced all the lights in the house, including those in the hallways with blacklights, so we were still glowing. It was pretty cool. I stumbled on a stair.

"Just call me Bella!" I exclaimed jokingly until I realized the joke was lost on him. As I reached for his hand, our eyes met, and I took another play from Bella's book by batting my eyelashes. Jeff held my hand the rest of the way into his room.

"So, this is my room. Nothing special. My roommate is pre-med and is rarely here."

"Abercrombie?" I asked, crinkling my nose. I hated the smell of Abercrombie and Fitch cologne. "Smells like frat boys and self-loathing."

"It's not mine. I swear. It's my roommates. I still wear -"

"Polo," I said before Jeff has a chance to finish. He smiled as he mixed himself a drink into a glass and poured water into a plastic cup. I sat down on the hunter green futon.

"I know you still wear Romance," he replied, sitting down beside me and handing me the water.

"Hey, I could've changed. What are you drinking?" I asked. I wanted to pinch myself. This was not the same Jeff that was in the airport two short months ago.

"Whiskey, on the rocks. You, my dear, need to sober up a bit," he said as he pointed at my nose. "Don't think I didn't see you downing that jungle juice, and yes, you do still wear Romance. I stayed at home for one torturous night between Argentina and this semester. Let's just say I had a _hard _time sleeping. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

Jeff seemed so much more mature than he had been in high school. He was so focused. It was incredibly sexy how he just took control. I bit my lip and brought my knees to my chest. "Who, me? I don't have faintest idea what you are talking about at all."

"You're so cute. I forgot how cute you can be." _Please don't be a dream. Please don't be a dream. Please be real. Please. _

"Jeff, can you pinch me? I'm really drunk and I think I am hallucinating," I whispered, bringing my hands to cover my face in embarrassment.

"Lauren," he said, placing his hands on top of mine and moving them away from my face. "You're not dreaming. I owe you a lot of explanations and this is neither the time nor the place to have this discussion, but I can't do it anymore."

"Do what?" I looked into his eyes, still in shock that I was in his room and he was talking to me.

"Stay away from you," he replied, brushing my hair away from my face.

**A/N: There is a _fandom wide _fundraiser in support of Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, a children's cancer research charity that was created by a wonderful young girl named Alex Scott.**

**Over 40 affiliates from Rob blogs to Twilight fansites, podcasts, author auctions etc. have joined the fandom army come together in support of "The Fandom Gives Back"**

**For more information please visit the website at www . thefandomgivesback . com There will be an auction starting 11/15-11/20, including an author auction, signed Twilight merchandise, arts and banners, etc. Please join us in helping the fight against children's cancer.**


	17. Chapter 17: Back to Me

**A/N: I ****do not own this story or these characters, but I think we can all agree I totally gave Lauren Mallory some depth. I do own all the new people you have met.**

**Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me. I am blown away by the reviews. I have started another story but am NOT abandoning this one at all. **

**Huge thanks to Isabel Grace, Poo235 and SassyGeminiMom have all helped to make this chapter possible**

**Can't you see  
I beg and plead?  
'Cause when your eyes light up  
The skies at night  
I know you're gonna find your way  
Back to me**

**-All American Rejects, Back to Me**

**Bella POV**

After watching _Billy Madison_ with Josh, I realized that while he reminded me of Edward based solely on looks, he surely did not act like him at all - not that anyone would ever compare to _Him._ Josh was very easy-going and not intense at all. Nothing seemed to phase him. He told me about himself a bit more - he was from Chicago, loved sports, video games, enjoyed listening to alternative rock. It was one of the reasons he went to UW, to be in the city that brought about Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

He seemed like a decent guy, so when he leaned in and started to kiss me softly, I didn't hesitate to reciprocate. His kiss started out very soft; he took his hand and brushed it across my cheek and then lightly parted my mouth with his tongue. I admitted him entrance and we began to explore one another's mouths. We hadn't progress much beyond that when Jennifer and Brett came giggling into the room. We immediately stopped.

"Hey guys. Hope we aren't interrupting anything?" Jennifer said as she spun around on Brett's finger. She was so graceful.

"No, we just watched a movie and were, uh, hanging out," Josh explained. His arm was around me.

"Cool. So, I am going to get a pledge to drive the girls back around three o'clock or so. We're just going to hang out on my bunk. Is that cool?" Brett asked. He was eyeing Josh and glanced over at me. I smiled lightly to let him know that I was okay.

"Yeah, that works," Josh replied.

"Where's Lauren and Jessica?"

"Jessica was downstairs hanging over one of the pledges and Lauren is with Jeff."

"Wait, she's with Jeff?" I asked. I knew what Lauren wanted to do with Jeff, but I couldn't even fathom what was actually happening.

"Yeah, I'm sure Lauren will explain in the morning. Don't worry, I saw him in the hall. It's cool. I trust him, again," Brett said quietly.

"Bella, don't worry. She's fine. Do you mind if we turn down the lights?" Jennifer asked. The three of them seemed to be completely fine that Lauren was with Jeff. What did they know that they weren't letting on? It was strange but I shook it off. Brett was protective of both his best friend and his sister; if he was okay with them together, it must be okay.

We both nodded our heads. Jennifer turned off the lights and the only light came from one of the desk lamps. Jennifer and Brett climbed up onto Brett's bed. I tried not to think about what they were doing up there, I hoped they weren't having sex, but who knew? This was college and a frat house after all.

"So, Swan, where were we?" Jeff asked as pulled me into another lip lock.

We quickly progressed to where we had left and then his hand moved up my white tank top until it was covering my breast. His lips moved from my lips to my neck, and he began to nibble on my neck. I pulled away. I did not like him kissing me there. _That was the spot. _The spot where I always thought Edward would one day bite me so we could be together forever. _Have faith, it all works out. _Why was life so cruel?

"Not there. I don't like people touching my neck," I mumbled.

Instead, he moved his lips to my ear and whispered, "This better?"

It was.

**Lauren POV**

The sunlight came streaming into the room and woke me up. I had grown used to the feeling of being hungover and confused when waking up and today was no different. Last night came flooding back to me. Highlighter party. Jeff. Jeff talking to me. Jeff not ignoring me. I looked over. I was alone in the bed. _Okay, I didn't think we had sex. _I looked the other way. There he was asleep on the futon. Looking up I saw that there was a bed on top of me. It made sense now, I was in the lower bunk in his room. Picking up the blanket, I checked to see what I was wearing. I still had on the white wife-beater but it was covered in yellow, green, pink, and blue highlighter graffiti and my black lace boy shorts. My skirt and my shoes were on the floor next to the bed. _Did I take those off? Did he? What do I do? Do I stay here? Was Jennifer freaking out? Was Brett freaking out? Crap._

I reached my hand down and stretched it out to fish my phone from the back pocket of my skirt. Underestimating the distance, I ended up rolling off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud._ Shit._

"Lauren?" Jeff asked groggily.

"My phone. Everyone is going to worry where I am."

"I talked to Brett last night. It's cool," he replied sitting up on the futon. His eyes looked me up and down and I caught him checking out my butt. _Holy crap he is not wearing a shirt. _

"Really?" I asked, hoping he didn't notice I was checking him out.

"Well, it's fine. How are you feeling?"

"Not awful. I have definitely had worse." I thought about New Year's Eve and the mixture of pot and tequila. "So, last night..." My mind raced to figure out exactly what had transpired. We had not make out, but rather, we had talked and caught up. Jeff was studying business, which I already knew. He had learned a lot about how after its financial crisis in 2001, Argentina was trying to rebuild its economy with foreign investment. He then explained exactly what that meant because I had given him a confused look. _When did he get so smart?_ I hadn't noticed how much his face had matured until getting so close to it. I told Jeff about the latest around Forks, befriending Bella and the drama Jessica had with Mike Newton and with Christian.

He laughed with me when I told him about Ben and Angela being the "it" couple of Forks High School and he agreed that they definitely did not have the panache that we'd had. I remembered getting sleepy and Jeff insisting that I take his bed. Thinking back on the night, my heart ached as I realized the dawn would probably mean facing reality again. He would probably usher me out and I would be left again - without answers, without closure, and with the hole in my heart wider than ever.

"Lauren!" Jeff cried as he waved his hand in front of my face. "What's your schedule for today? Can you pencil me in for breakfast?"

"You want to spend more time with me?" I shook my head, coming out of my trance.

He reached out, grabbed my hand and started to stroke it in a comforting way. "We have a lot more to talk about."

"We're supposed to go on a campus tour at 10:30A.M., and then lunch at the Nu house at noon," I said, glancing at the clock. It was only 8:00AM. _Holy crap__!__I__t was only 8:00A.M.?_

"Let's grab some food at By George and I will have you back at Jennifer's by 9:30. Plenty of time for you to get ready for the tour and lunch. Want to borrow a sweatshirt?" He asked, but had already started rifiling around his dresser. He tossed me a UW hoodie.

I put it in on over my wife-beater and suddenly regretted not wearing a bra. Well, until I caught Jeff staring at my chest. "In case you are wondering, I went up a cup size."

* * *

Jeff took me to By George, which he claimed was a popular eatery in the library, known for its delicious breakfast. I didn't have much of an appetite. I wanted one thing and it was not on the menu: answers.

"Jeff, enough dancing around it. Just tell me why? Why did you break my heart? Why are you suddenly talking to me about it now?" I pleaded, bracing myself for the worst.

He took in a deep breath and put down his breakfast sandwich. "Here goes, let me finish before you say anything."

I nodded my head and closed my eyes. "Okay."

He began, "First off, I'm sorry it has taken me this long to talk to you. When I stopped calling you after we made love prom night." Jeff using the phrase "make love" was a good sign. If he had said boning, sexing, or fucking, that would have indicated something else, but made love...

"It was the next day. Remember, prom night sex was too trite for us?" I said as I crossed my arms.

He smiled and continued. "Afterward, I felt more in love with you than I ever had. The feeling was so intense but I kept thinking about August. I would be leaving you and long distance never works out. I didn't want to tie you down. My dad wasn't any help. He kept telling me to go to school and sow my oats. At the time, I thought what he said made sense. Also, the fact that I didn't want your time in high school to be spent visiting me or waiting for me to come home on weekends weighed heavily on me. That wasn't the way we worked. We always played off one another. I was weak and so I just decided a clean break would be best." His voice was shaky and he looked up at me.

I felt the tears streaming down my face. It was far too early on a Saturday morning for this conversation. How could I ever face Bart Fishbourne now? He told his son to break it off with me. Who does that?

Jeff pulled a napkin off his tray and handed it over to me. "I was wrong, Lauren. I was wrong to make decisions about us without talking to you. I was wrong and you have every right not to forgive me, but I will do whatever it takes for us to rebuild what we had."

I was still crying, but took a few minutes to collect my thoughts. "You broke me, Jeff. I'm not the same girl you took to prom. When you stopped talking to me, I changed and I'm not talking about my hair. I have done a lot of things that at the time seemed like a good idea but now I'm ashamed of them. Things if you knew, you wouldn't want me. Why now? Why explain it all to me now?" How could he love me now after I had looked for love in all the wrong places? If he knew what I had done, he wouldn't want me. I was damaged goods now and he was the one who started it.

"You know, freshman year was okay for me. I tried to forget you and tried dating other girls, but no relationship could measure up to us. When I saw you at the airport before Thanksgiving, it was the first time seeing you up close. I like your hair, by the way. Seeing you there brought back, brought up, all of the old feelings. I couldn't get your face out of my head. In Argentina, I thought of you. When Brett told me, rather, warned me you were coming up for a visit, I figured it was my chance. I couldn't live with myself any longer knowing how much I hurt you. One more thing, I talked to Brett, once I decided I was going to talk to you. I wanted him to know what I was doing. He wasn't sure how you were going to take it and the rest of the guys in the house knew not to get too close to you. I told them I would beat them to bloody pulp if they got close."

I smiled at Jeff's comment. That explained the cold shoulder I received from the Deltas last night.

Jeff took my hand in his. "Besides, it's only a few more months and then you will be here. Freshman year is stressful enough. I want to here to help you through it."

"Jeff, where's the camera? When is Ashton going to jump out and tell me I've been punk'd?" I asked, wiping the tears off my face and watching as Jeff laughed. This couldn't be real. From my back pocket, my phone began to buzz. I picked it up. Jessica was calling to check on me. Apparently she was starting to worry about me having enough time to get ready for our big day. After hanging up the phone, I apologized for talking on my phone in front of him.

"I should really get you back. Can we figure out some more time to talk before you head back to Forks? What are you doing tonight?" Jeff asked before taking a big bite out of his pancakes.

"Definitely. The Nu girls invited us to their mixer. Weren't you going to go? It's with your house?" I asked.

"I sort of stopped going to those things, but if you're there, then so am I," Jeff said with a wink.

**Bella POV**

Jessica was driving me nuts. She had come back to the dorms with us around 3A.M. With Lauren gone, there had been much more room on the aerobed that we had brought, but I still had slept poorly. Jessica of course had been in full tractor mode with her snoring. When we woke up later that morning, she kept trying on outfits and asking Jennifer and me what we thought. Luckily, just as she had started tearing through her suitcase, yes, her suitcase - for the weekend - Lauren came strutting in the door.

"Lauren! Thanks goodness you are here. I need wardrobe help. What happened to you?" Jessica asked.

"Jeff explained. I think I am in shock. I don't know what to say or do," Lauren replied with a vacant look on her face. She absentmindedly began to pull clothes from her bag so she could get ready for the campus tour and lunch.

"That's great. So, are you two back together?" Jessica asked, arching her eyebrow.

"Lauren, wow." I could not say anything more than that. I, too, was a little in shock. They could just get back together like that? Could Jeff undo all the hurt he had caused her? Could she forgive him? Fate. Maybe it was fate. Maybe I had to believe it was fate that Lauren and Jeff belonged together. Did that mean that Edward and I were destined to be together?

"I knew all along," Jennifer sang out sweetly.

"What?" Lauren asked, looking up from her make-up bag.

"I won't go into too many details because Brett and Jeff are good friends. Though Brett told me they aren't as close as they once were, but he's still around. Well, since Thanksgiving he has not even looked at another girl. He even skipped winter formal and turned down a ton of dates from my sorority sisters. I sort of had a hunch. I mean, he's the Ross to your Rachel. You're his lobster." Jennifer glanced at the clock. "Come on, girls, you'll be late for that campus tour!"

I walked with Jennifer as Lauren and Jessica walked in front of us. While we walked in silence, I thought about Jennifer's comment. Renee and I used to watch _Friends. _Ross and Rachel? They had always seemed like two characters who could never get past their issues to be with one another. I guess despite their differences, people always expected them to end up together. _Well, not everyone gets their happily ever after. Real life doesn't work like that._

UW was big and the campus was sprawled over a large area, but there was something else, something inside me told me this was not the place for me.

**Lauren POV**

The campus tour went over well. I had seen most of the campus before, but it was nice to see it again. Plus, it was fun to watch the tour guide walk backward and talk to us. Bella seemed really distracted. I couldn't tell if it was something that happened last night, if she was worried about me, or if she was just disinterested in UW and was really focused on going out east. After the tour, Jennifer met us outside the Admissions office and took us over to the Nu house.

The Nu house was just as I remembered it as a little girl, when my mom used to take me here for mother-daughter alumna teas - Georgian front with white pillars. Inside the house was decorated in French Provincial style - yellow and blues. It was quite magnanimous. The sisters greeted us. Jennifer introduced us around and we were quickly surrounded by girls. Lunch was served in their dining area. Instead of long tables with benches, like at the Brett's frat house, the girls sat in rounds of ten with a buffet up against the wall. It was very civilized. I felt immediately at home, as did Jessica, who was chatting with a girl who had graduated from Forks last year. Bella was another story. She was pretty quiet and spoke mostly with Jennifer. She seemed really overwhelmed. I didn't blame her. In all honesty, I had a hard time focusing on girly small-talk. My mind was on Jeff and what the heck had happened last night. Luckily, I was able to maintain my composure and come off as normal as possible, whatever that was. Inside, I was numb and my heart hurt all over again.

After lunch, we headed over to University Village for some shopping. Usually I would be all about the clothes, but today, not so much. While in the GAP, both Jessica and Jennifer were trying things on. So Bella and I sat down in the chairs.

"Lauren, you okay?" Bella asked. She had been so quiet this weekend. I felt really bad for not checking up on her last night.

"Yeah, I am okay. What happened with you last night? Last I saw you were walking away with Josh." I replied.

She blushed. The little minx blushed. "We had a good time, watching a movie in his room. He's a fun guy." She shrugged a little before she leaned in closer. "Lauren, can they do that?"

I was confused. "Do what?"

"Want you back after breaking your heart. I can't even fathom..." She stopped midsentence and looked to the floor. "Do you believe in fate?"

"I think so. Why?"

"Lately, I have been thinking a lot about fate and how you try to follow a path but sometimes what is meant to be is meant to be, but then how do you know if it is meant to be? How do you know if you are making the right decision? Do you live your life completely afraid of doing anything? Do you do things and just believe fate will take care of the rest?"

"Whoah! Umm, I don't know. This is really heavy stuff, Bella. Too heavy for the GAP. Banana Republic, maybe, but way too intense for the GAP," I replied, hoping to deflect from my non-answer with humor. Fate. I wasn't sure what I believed. Were Jeff and I just meant to be? I had not left much up to fate. I was doing everything I had set out to do. Bella, on the other hand, played more with fate. She was applying to multiple schools in places she had never been and hadn't even considered schools in Los Angeles_. Hmm_... "Bella, if you believed in fate, then why aren't you applying to schools in Los Angeles? I am assuming you are thinking about Edward."

"Lauren, let's just say even if I searched every block in Los Angeles, I wouldn't find a single trace of Edward. He'd make sure of it," Bella replied. She closed her eyes when she said his name, like she was trying to picture him. I wasn't sure what she meant by that comment, but I had to give Bella credit; she was trying hard to get over him. My future with Jeff was uncertain right now, but part of me was excited at the possibility of a future with him. Just a slight possibility, but that was because we would be in the same place.

While we were shopping, Jeff called and invited me out for dinner. Not wanting to ditch my friends, we decided to make it a group outing. Josh, Brett, BJ, and Jeff would join us girls. Jeff wanted to talk more, so we would meet everyone at the restaurant. I hung up and compartmentalized all my Jeff-feelings and instead focused on a more pressing matter.

"Jess, did you hook up with a guy named BJ?"

"Guilty," she replied with a laugh.

"Little ironic for you, huh?" I asked, folding my arms.

"It'd be ironic if it was you hooking up with BJ. You whore!" she teased.

I stared at Jessica in disbelief. She just called me a whore. "Penis," I whispered, cocking an eyebrow.

She responded slightly louder, "Penis!"

We went back and forth until Jennifer came up behind and screamed, "PENIS!"

People were looking at us but we could not help but laugh. Of course, Bella was beet red and tried to hide her face in her hands. I shook my head. For those few minutes of the penis game, I actually forgot about Jeff.

* * *

Jeff picked me up at the dorms. He was wearing a ski vest over a button down shirt - untucked, jeans, and boots. His puppy dog eyes lit up when he saw me. _Dear Lord, give me the strength to be honest with him. _He could still make my heart flutter and my stomach flip. Under my coat, I was wearing jeans, heels and a cute babydoll top. I took a deep breath. Everyone would meet us at a sports bar, not too far from campus, in about an hour. The plan was to eat dinner there - buffalo wings, burgers, nachos and then head over to the bar where the sorority mixer was being held.

We walked in silence around the quad and then headed down to Red Square before finally stopping at Drumheller Fountain where we finally took a seat on a vacant bench. After getting the pleasantries out of the way, we both jumped right into the things that were weighing on our minds.

"So, did you think about what I told you this morning?" Jeff asked.

"Yes, Captain Obvious." I suddenly realized I sounded obnoxious. "Sorry, that was obnoxious, but true. Do you think I could focus on anything else? I have no idea what I even said at the Nu house today. They probably hate me."

"Lauren, you are so in. It's a given. You really have nothing to worry about," he said, trying to comfort me by taking my hands in his.

"Yeah, I do. Jeff, I'm not the girl you think I am anymore. I have done things that I am not proud of but at the time -"

"Lauren, I haven't been living under a rock. Guys talk. We've had a lot guys come through the house from Port Angeles. Some left with black eyes, but what I am trying to say is that we both made mistakes. In high school, we put ourselves, our relationship up on this pedestal of perfection. I'm not perfect and I realize you are not perfect and together we are definitely not perfect, but I think what matters is that we are perfect for one another. Even if we are not perfect as people. No one is perfect." I think he just over-used the word perfect but it didn't matter. My heart was singing.

"So, you don't care about Tyler, Conner, most of the Port Angeles Lacrosse Team, and other random guys from the Olympic Peninsula?" I asked, leaning away from him. It was a test. I wanted to freak him out now, so if he walked, at least it was now, rather than later.

"I care and it bothers me, but as long as it's your past and your past stays in the past, what can I do about it? You know, you may run into some of my oats around campus. We can't change what has happened. We have to get over it and move forward, even if it is just as friends," he suggested.

"Jeff, when you finally told me why, I really wanted to just jump in your arms and believe everything you just said. When you stopped calling me and things ended, I fell apart. You broke me. Since then, first I tried to find someone to replace you, then I tried finding someone to fill the void, and lately, I don't know what I've been doing. What I do know is that I can't just go from 0 to 60 so quickly. Trust. I have to know I can trust you again and that you aren't going to break my heart if things get tough."

"I know. You're right. We'll just start as friends and then take it from there."

"Jeff..." I started. "I saw you checking me out this morning. I don't want to be just friends with you. I have enough friends. If we are going to do this, we go all in, or nothing. My question to you, college boy, are you in?" I asked, looking down at my feet, afraid to see his answer.

With his fingers on my chin, he lifted my head up and looked me in the eye. "On one condition. No more singing Kelly Clarkson songs!"

**Bella POV**

While I waited for Jessica and Jennifer to finish getting ready, I checked my email on Jennifer's laptop. It was the third time I checked it today. Nothing. Well, nothing from Alice. Renee emailed me to check on how my weekend away was going. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe it was never really Alice emailing me. Why hadn't she replied back to me? It really pissed me off. I could not help but feel a bit sour as we arrived at the restaurant.

My mood darkened when I saw Lauren holding hands with Jeff. I wanted to be happy for her and part of me was, but I was also envious. I was confused. I had already seen Lauren change from hating me to being one of my closest friends. I wasn't sure what this meant for our friendship. Our bond was in our heartache. My mind wandered to the email. _Have faith. _Relying on an email assurance that things would turn out okay in the end, when happiness was sitting at the table with me, didn't instill a lot of confidence in my happy ending. For most of dinner I was pretty quiet, but was jolted out of my thoughts when Josh lightly rubbed my back.

I turned and looked at him. Although Jeff and Lauren seemed to distract all of us, except Jessica and BJ - he had his tongue in her ear through dinner - I did notice how Josh's green sweater and the dim lighting really picked up the bronze tones in his hair. I could not help remembering all those nights when Edward would lie beside me and I would run my fingers through his hair before he deemed it too much and urged me to go to sleep. I imagined running my fingers through Josh's hair. They were so similar in so many ways, at least on the surface.

"Bella, did the tour convince you to apply here?" Josh asked.

I bit my lip. I wish I could better vocalize my strong desire to be on my own on the other side of the country, but it was moot. "It's a great campus. It's just... not for me." I braced for his response.

"Well, we still have one more night to change your mind," he said as he brushed a stray hair behind my ear. I was surprised by my own response to his gesture. My stomach fluttered.

After dinner, we walked over to the bar where the Nu Omega Taus were hosting a mixer with the Delta Iota Kappa house. Unlike the party last night at the fraternity, this party at a bar was not open drinking for those without ID. So, all of us would be sober. We were paired up in couples. Josh took my hand as we walked. It was warm, despite the chilly weather. We entered the bar and made our way to the back. There was a private room reserved for this party. It was crowded already and the music was very loud. I recognized the faces of the girls I had met today. Some were dressed in jeans and blouses like we were but others were wearing very short skirts and dresses. They reminded me of Rosalie. I hated it already. Everyone else from our group had scattered on the dance floor. Each couple, engrossed in one another. Not everyone at the party was paired up and people were off to the sides of the dance floor in groups. I grasped Josh's hand harder.

"Not your scene?" He asked. I shook my head. "We'll put in a short appearance and then we can head back to my house. Hang out?"

I gave him a small smile. "Thank you. That sounds great." I looked up at his hair again and pictured my hands running through it. So much of Josh was familiar but foreign at the same time. If only Alice would respond to me, I would know what to do. I would know if I should be waiting for _Him _or if I should move on with my life. Maybe that was it. Maybe the Cullens were just cruel. They didn't hunt humans but they surely were torturing my emotions. I had spent months feeling numb, but I had not adjusted to feeling angry.

We said hi to a few people. We both watched Lauren and Jeff grind up on one another on the dance floor. His hands were permanently attached to her. For the first time since meeting Lauren, her eyes were shining and she looked genuinely happy. As I watched them move as one, a single tear ran down my cheek. I wiped it away and hoped that my mascara, that Jessica had applied which had not run.

Josh, whose hands were on my shoulders, leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Let's make like a tree and leave, Swan." His lips moved from my ear to my cheek as he kissed the single tear away. It was the warmest, most comforting gesture anyone had bestowed on me since September.

We walked hand-in-hand through campus to the Delta house. It was a chilly night but I didn't mind the cold anymore. It was bittersweet now. Maybe I was supposed to be with Josh. I wasn't sure, but there was something about him that was drawing me to him. The house was deserted since most of the guys were at the mixer.

Back in Brett and Josh's room, Josh set the iTunes on his computer to shuffle and offered me hot chocolate. I declined. The food at dinner had filled me up. He motioned for me to take a seat on his bed, the lower bunk. Neither of us said a word as I took a seat on his bed and he followed behind me. The silence that had grown between us was awkward. I wanted to say something but I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure what I wanted from Josh.

"So, Bella..." Josh searched for words as well as he thought of a question to ask me. "If UW isn't on the list, what schools did you apply to?"

I gave him my short list of schools and attempted to explain why. He sat down and listened to me attentively.

"Mrs. Bold, the guidance counselor, thinks I have seen one too many episodes of that show_ Felicity._ It's just all my life I have done things for other people and let their wants and needs rule my life. Well, wait. Let me backtrack. Last year, I dated this guy." _That was the understatement of the year. Dated? Fell in love with? Met my soul mate? Oh, yeah and he's a vampire. "_Um, his family moved away at the beginning of the school year." _Or something like that, moved away, tried to erase themselves from existence. Leaving me the shell of a person you're speaking with. _"I had thought he and I would go away to school together and that would be my future." _Okay, take out the go away to school and make that change me into a vampire and that would be more correct. _"So, come college application time, I decided I would go someplace I had never been and the east coast intrigued me. I am really hoping for NYU."

"Why New York City? Based on the party tonight, it appears that you hate crowds and the like."

"Well, they have a great liberal arts program and ways to custom design majors. Although, I sort of have a thing for British women's literature, something should be said about American women's literature. So, I guess my preference is closer to what I now like to think of as a Jo March kind of moment."

Josh looked puzzled. He shook his head. "Biology major. You kind of lost me."

I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him. "Okay, you know _Little Women_?" He nodded his head. "Okay, so in the book, Jo, the main character, is upset that life is moving on without her and so she ends up taking a tutoring position for her mother's friend in New York City. She looks on it as an adventure and a way to experience new things. I like that and I want to have a similar experience."

"So, Bella, Bella Swan..." Josh paused and licked his lips. "What are you going to study in the big, bad city?" He asked, putting his arm around my shoulders.

He was flirting with me. He was definitely flirting with me. I pursed my lips together and looked up at him leaning my head into his shoulder. "I don't know. Maybe literature or English. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." _Besides a vampire. _"I know I don't want to be a doctor. I am awful with blood. What kind of medicine do you want to practice?"

"That's funny, 'cause I am thinking of specializing in hematology, you know diseases and disorders of the blood."

I nodded my head. "That is funny," I said softly.

"You know what's not funny? I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all day," he whispered as he leaned down and began to softly kiss me on the lips.

He parted my lips with his tongue and I readily welcomed it inside. My hand moved off the mattress and tangled into his messy bronze hair and I pulled him closer. Josh's body was softer than Edward's but his hair felt the similar. Kissing Josh was warmer, of course, but kissing Josh meant that there were no pauses to regain control, though it was much more aggressive than last night.

As our kissing intensified Josh's body slid over mine and I leaned back on the bed until my head was resting on his pillows. His hand travelled down my face, my neck and my breasts. He lifted up my top and his fingers began to trace circles on my stomach. I hitched my leg up and drew it around his back, pulling him closer. The move was more aggressive than my normal response to being touched. My anger from not hearing back from Alice was egging me on.

His fingers traveled up to my bra and slipped underneath the cups. At the same time, his lips left my mouth and traveled back to my ear. I felt his tongue brush up against my lobe and I moaned out loud. The moan came from deep down inside and I pulled him closer to me since I craved the friction and the heat as our middles aligned.

The room grew hotter as our bodies became further entwined. He took off his green sweater and the t-shirt he was wearing underneath. Josh was very well toned and I could not help but stare at his biceps as he took off his t-shirt. He looked down at me and smiled.

"Are you hot too?" he asked, picking up the bottom of my top.

I nodded my head and lifted my arms up. He began lifting the shirt over my head before he tossed it onto the floor. I felt a little exposed wearing just my bra and jeans, but was thankful, that my friends had insisted I start to something more exciting than my usual white cotton bra. Josh leaned back down and continued to kiss and caress me with greater ease now that there was less barriers between us. Instead of putting my hands back into his now unruly hair, I reached out and took hold of his biceps. The bulges just seemed so strong, so protective.

I was so wrapped up in touching Josh that I did not notice his hand traveling down to the button of my jeans. Nor did I notice when he unbuttoned and slowly began to unzip them. I did notice as his hand slowly made its way down to my panties. He stopped.

"Bella, is this okay?"

"Yahhhhh." I couldn't seem to form the word yes, but he seemed to acknowledge my moan. His hand inched farther down over my panties until he was cupping my sex.

"You're so wet!" he exclaimed as his finger rubbed over me. I bucked my hips toward him. He continued to glide his fingers back and forth along me over my panties. No one had ever touched me there and I couldn't lie; it felt fantastic. I had, of course, explored myself a few times, but it had never felt like this.

I let out another moan, which he took as invitation to explore further. His fingers inched under my panties and made their way inside. They circled my nub and I arched my back in approval.

"You know this would be easier if your jeans were off?" He whispered in my ear, his voice raspy.

I stared back at him, unsure how to respond.

"Okay, I'll make you a deal if your pants come off, so do mine. Deal?"

I nodded my head and watched as he sat up and began to undo his jeans. As he pulled them down, I noticed that not only was he not wearing underwear, but he was full erect. I had felt it against me through his jeans, but seeing it out there sprung free from its denim prison left my mouth agape. It was bigger than any I had seen. Not that I was an expert on male genitalia, but both Jason and Jake paled in comparison to Josh. _Gee, I am really developing a thing for J names!_

"I should have warned you, Bells, I free-balled it tonight," he explained with a devilish grin as his naked form hovered over me and began pulling down my jeans.

Josh rolled over to his side, leaving me lying on my back in just my bra and panties. He brushed his fingers down my arm, down my belly, before sliding them underneath my panties again. His thumb rubbed my spot, while another digit glided inside of me.

"Bella, you're so tight. Are you a…"

I didn't answer him. We both knew the answer.

"Has anyone ever touched you like this before?"

I shook my head and arched my back as he continued to press against me with his magic fingers.

"Can I taste you?"

I wasn't sure what he meant but was too afraid to ask. This was going so fast, but it felt so good.

Josh moved back over me and then began kissing from my navel down to the line of my panties. When he reached them, he hooked the sides with his fingers and slowly began pulling them down. As he pulled them down, he continued to kiss all the way down until his head was at the base of my heat.

"Ahh!" I cried out in ecstasy as I felt his warm tongue lap up the wetness that had been pooling up inside of me. My mind couldn't help but wonder what this would feel like if it was Edward tasting me, instead of Josh. I thought about how his cold tongue would feel against my warm body. Would we create steam if our contrasting temperatures collided? My thoughts were angering me. Here I was, with this beautiful man, pleasuring me in ways I had never imagined and I could not even focus on him. I was thinking of the one who left me and broke my heart.

"Bella," Josh said, looking up at me and kissing my inner thigh, "you taste divine."

I looked down at him with a soft smile. "Ed...Josh, this feels so good." _Holy crow. I almost just said Edward's name. _I hoped Josh did not notice. He continued to lap me up and alternated the movement of his tongue with his fingers. I wasn't sure what he was doing; I just knew that I liked it. My insides were tightening up and I squeezed against the finger that was now working its way inside of me. I bucked my hips violently against the bed, wanting to feel more. Wanting him to be deeper in me.

"Come for me, Bella," Josh commanded.

I felt him slip another finger inside of me so that both his pointer and middle finger were inside of me as he licked my nub and lightly bit down on me. His movements took me over the edge. I closed my eyes and pictured Edward in Josh's place and let out a final moan before I collapsed back down on the pillow. I was too spent to reciprocate and Josh did not pressure me to do so. Instead, he grabbed a fleece throw and drew it over the two of us and held me tight, caressing my hair.

Being in his arms, it was a close substitute but it was, by no means, my idea of perfect. Only Edward Cullen could ever hold that spot in my heart.


	18. Chapter 18: She's Out There

**A/N: This is an Edward chapter. The song for this chapter is from a now defunct group called The Hero Factor. This song paired with this chapter pulls at my heartstrings. Thanks go to Poo235 my grammar savior. Sorry for the delay. **

What about her eyes, will i know them when i see them  
What about her light, is it candle or harsh and blinding  
What about my heart, because i can't handle one more beating  
What about her, what about her  
I know she's out there  
She's out there somewhere  
I'll run, I'll crawl  
I'll break down every wall  
What about her hands, do they shake like this when she's uncertain  
What about her smile, is it soft to my touch  
What about her eyes, will it burn a hole right through me  
What about her, what about her  
I know she's out there  
She's out there somewhere  
I'll run, I'll crawl  
I'll break down every wall

- The Hero Factor

**Edward POV**

Christmas had come and gone and I was alone, tracking Victoria down. From Texas I traveled through the square Midwestern states that wer often referred to as flyover country. There were reports of random animal attacks in Kansas, Nebraska, and up through the Dakotas. Then reports came in that the attacks crossed the border into Canada. Even though flying would have been faster, the holiday season that had just passed caused the airports were overcrowded and most of the flights were overbooked.

Flying used to be so dignified. I remembered flying in the 1960's when we would dress-up in suits, but these days, people flew around in pajamas and sweats. It was hard to even pinpoint exactly when or how society had declined. I preferred the solitude of driving, even if it was in a poky rental car. I had considered purchasing a car, but I had not wanted to create any records with registration nor had I wanted to attract attention to myself. So, I had been incognito in a rental car that I had switched out every couple of states and had obtained a new one when I'd crossed into Canada a few weeks ago.

I was always a step behind. By the time I arrived in a town, the news would report an animal attack. It was no animal. It was Victoria.

Victoria was out there but was great at evading me. I loathed her for it. Whatever she was doing, she was tormenting me. I deserved it. Even with Alice's occasional phone calls, we could not track her down. Victoria had led me on a wild goose chase through most of the Canadian provinces, leading me to Saskatchewan of all places. I had pulled over to purchase gas it was late at night and no one was around, so I did not bother putting on a winter coat to appear human. The phone I had purchased in that godforsaken west Texas town began to ring.

I screened it. I could only take so many calls from Esme checking in on me. It was her nature to be nurturing, but I had nothing more to say. My focus was on tracking down Victoria and keeping Bella safe.

I looked down at the caller ID; it was Alice. I picked up because she could have seen something. I wished I could read her mind. I loved my sister, but not being able to read her thoughts left me uncertain if she was looking into Bella's future against my wishes. I was almost sure that she was. I just didn't want to know about it. I hadn't felt this conflicted since I had fled to Alaska when Bella first moved to Forks.

"What?"

"Hello, Edward."

"Alice, what's wrong? What did you see? Where's she going?" My gut wrenched. Bella had to be the reason she was calling.

"Edward, why do you assume something is wrong for me every time I call you?" she asked playfully.

"Alice!" I growled back at her. She knew better than to joke with me.

"Fine. Happy New Year to you too. Tanya called Carlisle. Apparently, Laurent left without so much as a goodbye. Irina is beside herself. They wanted my help in finding him. Edward, I should have seen it happening. Victoria found him while he was out hunting alone and convinced him to help her. He's heading to Forks. Victoria, she wants Be…"

A growl formed from the deepest part of my body. "Alice, I can be there in a few hours," I interrupted.

She was silent. I was pretty sure she was having another vision. "Edward," her voice was unsteady. "I see the house, Forks High School, a meadow."

I had heard enough. "Nothing can hurt her."

"I know, Edward," Alice replied softly. "I'll keep you updated if the vision changes."

I slammed the phone shut, returning it to my front pocket, and at a vampire's speed returned the gas nozzle back and paid via credit card. I was in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. I calculated in my head; it was about 1200 miles or so to Forks from here. I had been duped. I was in the middle of nowhere. I calculated in my head: if I drove at least 100 miles per hour, I could be there in about 12 hours. It would have to be enough time.

My calculations were almost correct; I had not accounted for traffic. I made it to Forks in a little less than 13 hours. The border crossing had been crowded and had slowed me down. It was late on a Friday afternoon when I passed by the _Welcome to Forks_ sign. It took all my strength not to pass by her house and see if she was home, but it was too risky. Instead, I drove straight down the familiar road to the place that had been home. I parked the car in the driveway, but didn't go inside the house. It was empty and held nothing but unwanted memories for me.

I decided to start my search with the high school based on Alice's vision. I ran through the woods at vampire speed and stayed at the forest's border to the school, behind the gymnasium so that I wouldn't be seen. Even though school had surely let out, I couldn't risk being caught. I had told her I wouldn't come back and I wasn't about to break another promise to her. There weren't any abnormal scents outside the school. I did, however, overhear Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, Ben Cheney and Angela Weber talking out by the parking lot.

"Why didn't you go with your posse, Angela?" Newton asked, eying Angela up and down. _What, you only get it on with Ben, right? You don't whore it up like the other three._ His mind flashed to Jessica Stanley dancing with him at prom. She stuck her behind out and moved it back and forth. Apparently in Mike's memory, he couldn't take his eyes off of it. I tried to look away, but his mind flashed again to Bella. She was sitting in the cafeteria, trying to smile at Lauren and Jessica. She looked different. Her hair was cut. Another image of my Bella appeared; she was working at the store. She seemed sad.

Mike had said three - Lauren, Jessica, and who else was he referring to? Surely, not Bella. I listened in closely.

"No, Ben and I have already been accepted to Pacific Lutheran University. There was no need for me to see UW. Besides, Bella probably won't go there; she needs a change of scenery." _She likes Lauren and Jessica but only in small doses, like me. Ugh, I hate when he calls them whores. They aren't. Why is it when girls are promiscuous they are whores, but when guys act the same way they are studs? I know my friends are obsessed with sex. It's all they ever talk about. I should feel worse about lying to them. _Angela looked down at her feet. _I hate lying to my friends. Ben does too, but we decided that when we have sex, it should be our decision. It is easier for everyone else to believe that we've done it already. At least they don't make virgin comments about us anymore. _

Bella was with Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley? Lauren hated Bella. Her hatred had been completely juvenile and based solely on the fact that Tyler Crowley had liked Bella. Jessica was friendly with Bella, though she could be a bit of a dimwitted girl. She was book smart, but didn't have a lot of common sense.

"Yeah, well hopefully, Bella won't bella-out like she did on New Year's Eve. Jason is still mortified. I would be too, making out with a girl and then having her wake up everyone screaming her creepy ex-boyfriend's name," Tyler stated. A picture of a horrified Bella appeared in Tyler's head. She was in a sleeping bag screaming, "Edward, don't leave me!" Other people started to sit up and look at her. Tyler's memory showed a boy, who had been next to Bella, giving her a sideways glance. _I don't know what Jason's problem was. So the girl's got baggage. I would be happy waking up next to Bella Swan. The wench, Lauren, probably said shit about me and that is why she won't look at me._

What had I done? The images of Bella in everyone's mind didn't paint the picture I was hoping to find. She was surviving, but just barely, like me. As if I could get tired, I sat down on the floor of the woods and rocked back-and-forth, trying to tune out Tyler's thoughts. I didn't mind that the ground was already wet from the snow that was falling.

Just as Tyler's thoughts turned to his homework, an image in Mike's head distracted me: Bella dressed in a very revealing Halloween costume as a vampire complete... with fangs? I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or attack Mike for looking at Bella with so little clothing on. Though I couldn't blame him, she was as beautiful as ever.

"What is tempting you more, my body or my blood?" Her voice rang in my head. For a brief moment, I felt at peace and comforted. She was moving on. She was surviving.

"Guys, leave Bella alone. She's doing the best she can. She could be a lot worse. Look at Lauren," Angela replied. _Lauren was so much worse than Bella has been. I know it is hard for Bella but I think she is finally starting to come through this. I wonder if she'll meet someone. I wonder what is really going on with her and that Jacob Black guy. She sure does spend a lot of time over there, though she claims he's just a friend. _

She was having a hard time. She was spending time with Jacob Black? I let out a low growl. _Mine. Mine. Mine. _I shook my head. _No, s__he wasn't mine anymore. _

"That is true, you guys heard about Lauren on New Year's Eve. She was dutch-doored by Kevin and Chip," Tyler said._ That girl has such problems. I mean she's easy, but who wants that? Jeff really messed her up. _

"She is really messed up and out of control," Ben agreed. _I can't imagine losing Angela. I think I am going to marry her. She is perfect for me._ I saw an image in Ben's head, of him caressing Angela's face and giving her a soft kiss.

"Ben! You boys gossip like old women. I need to get home. Are we all still going to that movie up in Port Angeles tonight?" Angela asked.

"We sure are, unless…" he glanced at the large snowflakes that had started to fall "…the snow gets too worse. It should just be slushy. I'll pick you up later. Be safe," Ben replied, kissing Angela on the cheek. Angela turned and opened her car door. The boys followed behind going to their cars. A few minutes later they had pulled out of the parking lot, leaving me alone again, wallowing in the visions they had provided.

Interesting. Bella was now friendly with Lauren Mallory! I thought about all the visions of Bella I had just seen inside her friends' heads. Lauren had been jealous of us last year. First, she had hated Bella because all the boys were interested in her. Then she had been mad because Tyler had taken a liking to Bella and was ignoring her, and finally, she couldn't stand to watch Bella and I together. I had seen the pictures in her head and remembered her dating a senior our first year in Forks. She hadn't been mean then. She had been happy. After he graduated, her thoughts soured. It concerned me that this was the type of person Bella was gravitating to. I let her go I wanted her to be normal. Lauren's thoughts and actions were far from normal. The girl was broken and tried to validate herself by putting others down and through the approval of the opposite sex. Lauren was reckless with her body. There was no way Bella would have anything in common with someone like that.

The contrasting images of Bella dressed sexy and Bella screaming my name haunted me. I had to get away. I ran through the woods to flee from those thoughts. I kept running, not even paying attention to where I was going. _I should hunt._ At this point a deer would suffice. Just something, anything to distract me.

I picked up a vampire's distinct scent and began to follow it. It led me deeper into the forest. My surroundings looked and smelled familiar. While traveling through the forest, I focused on tracking down that scent. The branches of the trees and brush broke off as I rushed passed them at vampire speed. I paid little attention to where I was going until I reached the end of the trail. I stopped in a clearing and looked up. I was in the meadow staring straight at Laurent. I was in _the _meadow. My meadow. Our meadow. Laurent was standing almost exactly in the same spot we had once sat. It was surreal being there with the snow falling and Laurent now standing there.

"So you are still here?" he asked as he turned around to face me.

"Do you not see me standing right here?" I growled back. He had struggled a bit when he was in Alaska but he had found his mate in Irina.

"I just came from your home. I saw your car, but the house looks unlived-in. Abandoned." Laurent's eyes were red and he was in a crouching position.

"How's Irina? Does she know you are gone?" I retorted. My voice took on a growling tone. Laurent's mind gave away that he was here looking for Bella.

"I had a duty to my old coven. Victoria asked me to scope it out for her. You upset her by killing James. She thinks it's only fair to kill your mate, the human. She's still your little pet?"

"If either of you come near her, I'll kill you both." I paused for a minute and read his thoughts. He was thinking about Irina and her reaction to hearing the news that he was dead. "Do you really want to do that to Irina?" I asked, trying to see what his reaction would be. He turned his red eyes away from me and looked down at the ground.

"I had not thought of that. Your lifestyle, it's hard to adapt to; there are so many temptations." His mind flashed an image of a lost hiker he had killed in Alaska and then flashed to hunting bears with Irina. _The taste is barely tolerable but the company is. __Which thirst do I satiate, my burning thirst for blood or my desire and yearning for Irina?_An image of Laurent and Irina being intimate flashed in his head.

I hated being able to see those private moments between couples, those private thoughts people coveted. While I had grown used to being inundated with these images, it nevertheless made me feel uncomfortable. His thoughts reminded me of Bella again as she repeated, "What's more tempting, my body or my blood?" I turned my head as not to face him. "Do you not think we all struggle everyday? Go back to Irina or..."

"Or what, Edward?"

"I will have to kill you, right now. I can't have you act as Victoria's agent to harm Bella. Nothing can harm her. Ever."

"What do I tell her?"

"Tell Victoria you came here and you killed her. She was too tempting and you took her for yourself as revenge for your former coven. Then go back to Irina," I said dismissively.

Laurent sat there for minute, considering his options. I heard a rustling in the forest. I started to hear thoughts, but it wasn't human - or the thoughts were but the sounds weren't. It was giving orders. _It's the scent of one of those bloodsuckers. _How much time did we have until we were discovered? Probably only a few minutes. I had my suspicions of who was following our trail, though I wasn't sure if they still existed.

"I know you heard the rustling too. We're not alone here in the forest. Make your decision wisely and quickly," I growled.

Laurent closed his eyes. He was weighing the options in his mind. _If I fight Edward and kill him, his family would come after. Besides I couldn't go back to Denali if I killed him, they considered the Cullens family. I would never seen Irina again. _ "I'll do it. I'll meet up with Victoria and let her know the job is done. We will never speak of this again."

I extended my hand and he shook it. It was done. She would be safe. I heard the thoughts getting closer. "Laurent, you have done the right thing. You must go. You have killed recently. There are those out there who do not look to kindly upon that." He wasn't bound by the treaty even if we were not on Quileute land.

He realized the urgency in my voice and took off into the forest. I thought for a minute about calling Alice and making sure that Laurent was going to do as he had promised, but my thoughts became clouded by the strong voice that was barking orders. _Surround him. Do not allow him to escape. _I inhaled a deep breath of woodsy air and looked around the meadow. Around me I saw them: five wolves, all with thoughts that were overwhelming me.

"The treaty. You are bound by the treaty," I croaked, suddenly aware that my voice sounded hoarse.

_He's a bloodsucker and he's alone. Let's get him. _

_He must be the one killing all of those hikers. _

"It wasn't me. I don't kill humans." _Anymore. _

_It's Edward Cullen. I recognize him._ _He's the one who was with Bella._

That last thought was the one I clung to as the owner of that thought flashed to an image of Bella and me at prom last year. The image changed to Bella, this new Bella sitting in her truck's bed, her hand on this person's face. Another image appeared, Bella, her mouth on...this person feeling immense pleasure derived from Bella. Her face. She was looking up with her mouth filled with his essence. She looked shocked. She looked pained. As she swallowed what was in her mouth, she looked broken.

_She really did that to you? Damn Jake! You dog! _

They could hear one another's thoughts? Jake? Jacob Black. It couldn't be. These wolves, I had suspected, when I had heard human thoughts coming from nonhuman movements but never imagined that the tribe was phasing again. Suddenly, it dawned on me;our presence triggered this. Not only had I pained Bella with leaving, but I had left her with something as dangerous as a ravenous, vengeful vampire, like Victoria, and a young, inexperienced wolf. Without realizing it, I found myself in a crouched position, preparing myself to leap out at this Jacob/wolf to defend Bella's honor. How dare he touch her like that!

The last time I had been near the wolves was decades ago with my family. As I went to push off the ground, Carlisle's voice rang in my head. "Edward! Remember who you are. The treaty." I stopped in my tracks and took a moment to regain my composure. Standing up straight, I apologized. Still surrounded by the wolves, they were unsure of my actions.

_What's he doing? _

_Is he mad?_

_He's not even that big. I could take him. Come on, Sam, let me take him right now._

_Stop. He's right. The treaty. We can't break the treaty. What's he doing here?_

_He came back for Bella. To take her away from me. She was just starting to be happy again__. _Jake's mind wandered to a scene of him sitting on a couch watching television with Bella. She was staring straight at the screen but his arm was round her and he was watching her.

"Another vampire was here, looking specifically for Bella. I came back to protect her. She's safe now. The threat should be gone." I said, keeping my voice calm to encourage a peaceful discussion.

_Is the bloodsucker staying? Are they back?_

_He's hearing our thoughts? _It was more of a statement than a question but I turned to the leader and gave a slight nod.

I quietly stated, "My family and I have moved on. I only ask that you keep an eye out for Bella, from afar. She has a penchant for finding danger. Young wolves are unsafe."

An image of a beautiful girl came to the lead wolf's mind. She turned her head in his image revealing scars down an entire side of her face. _I hate to agree with the bloodsucker, but he's right. We will do as he has asked. Edward, Bella will not be placed in any harm's way. Nobody will go near her unless I deem them to be stable._

_But...._

_Jacob! Everyone. It appears this bloodsucker has her best interest at heart. Once you gain better control of your phasing, I'm sure it will be fine, but until then you must stay away. _Suddenly the lead wolf's mind flashed to Bella lying in the woods. I recognized her appearance and the clothing from that fateful day, but I was surprised by the pained, twisted expression on her face. She was rolled up into a ball, shaking and crying. I looked away and cringed, hoping my movement would interrupt his thought. _We'll go. Don't stay in this area for too long._

* * *

After the wolves left the meadow, I stayed, unable to get the images of Bella out of my mind. I was confused. Was she happy? Was she upset? Was the happiness an act? Selfishly, I wanted her to be home, but she was in Seattle, being a teenager. _As she should be, _I persuaded myself.

My phone rang again. I didn't have to look at the caller ID to know who was calling.

"Hello, Alice."

"Edward! I was so worried about you. I couldn't see you for a while. I do now."

"Really?"

"Yes, what happened?"

"I found Laurent. He was looking for Bella on a scouting mission for Victoria. I convinced him to lie to her. Then I ran into the wolves. Well, they are the boys from the Quiletues tribe. Talk to Carlisle about it. He can explain better. Anyways, Bella should be safe now. Alice, is she going to be safe? I know you look into her future. It's just, I left so she could be safe and if she is still in physical harm..." I realized, speaking to my sister how shaken the whole experience had made me.

Alice paused for several minutes. I winced, knowing she was looking into Bella's future. "Edward, Victoria shouldn't be a threat to her safe anymore."

"She's going to be okay? No harm to her?"

"Victoria shouldn't be a threat to her. I don't see any physical threats"

"Alice!" I cried. My sister knew how to exacerbate me.

"Edward, you don't want to know what I see, but I can tell you, Bella should be safe from Victoria and I do not see her being hurt," she said and then she added, "physically, at least."

"Alice, you are killing me," I growled.

"Sorry. So, are you going back to her bedroom?" She asked innocently. She knew the answer already.

"I have to see if she's okay."

"She's not there, Edward."

"Alice, I know. I just... I have to see. I have to make sure." Perhaps she had figured it out, that I had not really gone, that I had merely stashed the photos, the CD, the airplane tickets underneath the floorboards. If she had, then she would have to know that I still loved her, that I would always love her. Forever.

"Edward, she comes back on Sunday. You could stay. I know you are thinking about that. I have seen that vision too. It doesn't have to be like this. You can rectify this. Please, Edward?"

"No, Alice. I won't, despite what I have seen in the minds of her friends and these... wolves," I spit out. The thought of young wolves was enough to make me want to stay, but I was afraid she would not forgive me, that she wouldn't want me. "Goodbye, Alice."

Bella had to have a normal life, experience human things. I was not going to deprive her of that. I forced myself to believe that she was already forgetting me, already moving on.

* * *

It was late on Saturday when I stood in front of her darkened house. She was not home and Charlie was asleep. I spent the day at the house and then I had hunted, again. I stared intently at her window. How many nights had I climbed up and made my way inside to watch her sleep? I noticed that the window was cracked open. _ Did you she leave it open hoping I would come back?_ She would freeze to death in this weather. Bella hated the cold. I climbed up and pried it open gently.

Her room, which always felt so warm before, felt empty and cold. I looked around. My eyes fell immediately to the floorboard with the hidden treasures underneath. Kneeling down, I lifted up the floorboard. It was all there. _She hadn't found it yet. _Feeling nostalgic, I picked up the CD and put it in the CD player next to her bed. I turned the volume down to the lowest level, so only I could hear it and pressed play. Bella's lullaby, that I had recorded, filled her room once again.

Trying to escape the internal pain of the memories that came flooding back, I looked around her room for changes, trying to understand if Bella was still the same on the inside, even though she had altered her appearance. A new picture was hanging by her computer, or rather, it was a collage of pictures. Carefully studying each one, I saw my Bella along with Lauren Mallory, Jessica Stanley, and Angela Weber in various poses. In each one of them her expression was the same, the corners of her mouth were curled upward in the slightest of smiles. She was happy. _Or was she?_ I studied her face more carefully. Her eyes showed indifference like she was there not because she wanted to but because she had nothing better to do_. _

Looking down at her desk, my eyes met the college brochures that were stacked up next to the monitor. New York University, Boston University, Cornell, and University of Maryland. Bella and I had spoken about going away to college together. Was she trying to run away from her memories of me? The stack of schools pleased me - they were good schools, certainly worthy of having Bella as a student. They were also close by to the family. I could watch over her and she'd never know. I tucked the idea into the back of my mind.

The song continued on repeat and I lay down on her pillow. It had the slightest scent of her hair, strawberries. I inhaled and considered just staying her and waitng for her return. Would she take me back? Would she forgive me? Was I really the best thing for her? Could I really survive watching from the periphery? It would have to be enough. Bella would get into all of those schools; I could see to that. I would watch over her. I decided swiftly, getting up from her bed and preparing to leave.

Just as I had pressed stop on the CD player, my phone in my pocket began to buzz. Only one person would be calling me like this: Alice. She must have seen something.

"What now?" I asked, annoyed by my sister's visions.

"I can't believe you're leaving. You know it's moot," Alice replied insistently.

"What is moot?" I spit back, sitting back down on the bed. I ran my hand through my hair.

"You think you know best, brother, dear. You think just because you watch her from afar and it will stop her fate?"

"She'll never know I'm there, Alice. She'll never see me."

Alice chuckled. "Come back to us. She gets into the schools she needs to get into. She probably won't even need _your_ help." Alice emphasized the word _your. _It hurt. I knew Bella didn't need me anymore. It just didn't change the fact that I needed her, somehow. "Edward, even vampire strength can't stop fate. Just give up. Come home. Shh...." Alice paused for a moment. "Charlie is about to wake up!"

I had forgotten that Charlie was sleeping. I used to tune into his thoughts so I knew when he was awake. Being in Bella's room was just so .... distracting. "Alice, I'll see you - well, you know when I will see you."

"Yes, we'll see you at LaGuardia Airport tomorrow night. Oh, Edward, take the upgrade."

Returning the phone to my pocket, I heard Charlie's thoughts.

_Is there a noise from Bella's room? She's in Seattle. You are just hearing things. Better get used to being alone again, old man. _

I took one glance around. It was bittersweet. She was now safe from Victoria and I knew that Alice would tell me where Bella was going to school. I would now be able to see her from afar very soon. _You could stay. _I perished the thought again, shaking my head. Quietly, I opened the window and climbed out, returning it just the way I had found it.

**Alice POV**

Setting down the phone next to the laptop, I smiled to myself. For once I was able to outsmart Edward. He should have know better than to bet against me. Everything was starting to fall into place, just as I had seen in my vision. Opening up my Mary Brandon email account, I thought about what I would say to Bella. For weeks I had been ignoring her emails, though it had pained me to do so. 'It was bad enough leaving without saying goodbye; with my vision, I saw how pained she really was, so I tried to distract myself with our new life in New York.

We had settled into life in our new home. I was starting classes part-time at the Fashion Institute of Technology, FIT. When I wasn't at class, Jasper and I explored the surrounding forest and parkland. Rosalie and Emmett had returned from Africa in time for Christmas and their presence both helped and hurt at the same time. It was nice to have Emmett's booming voice echoing through the house, but it also reminded us that we were still not complete.

Carlisle was settled into his new job at Greenwich Hospital. He had never worked in such a upscale hospital. It was lovingly referred to as the Greenwich Hotel, as it had a piano in the lobby. He even said that in the maternity ward new mother's were given manicures, pedicures and after they gave birth they received a lobster and steak dinner for two. He did, however, enjoy working with the large immigrant population that came from neighboring towns. He enjoyed helping the less fortunate far more than anything. Esme was busy decorating and remodeling the house in Connecticut; we would start further decoration of the New York City townhouse in late spring or summer. I was helping her as I usually did. We had all fallen into a routine; as much as we were settled into that routine, we weren't home.

Home was our family, complete. I knew we would get there one day. The path at getting there was uncertain in my head though. It made writing my response to Bella particularly difficult. After having several visions, all with the same outcome, I finally had an answer for her.

_Bella,_

_I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I know you were anxious for an answer. Live your life:__ try to enjoy time in high school, your friends, Charlie. Whatever decision you make is the right one. I know you are confused and hurting right now. Just remember sometimes things we think we have lost were never lost, just misplaced._

_I love you. Please know it is going to be very difficult for me to email you with Edward asked me not to contact you and it is disrespectful to continue to go against his wishes. As trite as this sounds, please remember - look to yourself for the answers and follow your heart; it will lead you in the right direction. Just don't lose yourself._

_I miss you too,_

_Alice_

After the email was sent, I went to the email settings and deleted the email account. I then went and removed all the browser history, cookies, and temporary files. There was no evidence that I had contacted Bella on our computer. Edward would never have to know, unless he decided to investigate our Internet Service Provider, but that would be suspicious and we didn't need that kind of attention. One day he would thank me, he just didn't know it yet.

**A/N: Thank you everyone who has been reading, let me know your thoughts. The end is coming. Should be about 28 or so chapters total and an outtake. Check out The Hero Factor (Google them) and my new story, The Bottom Line**


	19. Chapter 19: Where Are You Now?

A/N: Thanks to Poo235, and Isabel Grace, for sticking by me and SassyGeminiMom for being an great Twilighted Validation Beta.

Most of all, thank you to everyone who has stuck by this story even though it has been fluffy in parts. I am so sorry for the long wait in between chapters. My beta had issues more explanation at the end of the chapter.

If you cannot tell things are progressing. Hold on to your hats.

_Where are you now?__  
__I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all__  
__What is the chance of finding you out there?__  
__Do I have to wait forever?  
- Michelle Branch_

**Lauren POV**

I couldn't stop smiling. It was like all my dreams were coming true. As Jessica went on, and on, and on about the irony of giving a hand job to a guy named BJ last night, I just nodded my head and kept saying, "That's great, Jess." In my head, my thoughts focused on Jeff. _He loved me._ _He still loves me. He wants me, still._ Strewn into these joyous thoughts, small pockets of angst came creeping through. What if he was no longer what I wanted? What did I want? For so long, I had thought it was Jeff, that the possibility of wanting anything else seemed unfathomable.

We had gotten a late start heading back to Forks from Seattle; it had been a late night. Jeff and I stayed up late and talked before we cuddled up and slept in one another's arms. We had not even made out. Much to my hormone's dismay, we just kissed. Come to think of it, the only person to sleep in Jennifer's dorm room last night was Allison, Jennifer's roommate. Bella slept in the same room as Jennifer, Brett, and Josh. Jessica had bunked with BJ and I was with Jeff. The weekend had more than exceeded my goals - I felt like I was returning to Forks an entirely different person. I wish I could say the same for my friends.

Glancing in my rear-view mirror, Bella looked so sad, so distant, as she stared out the window at passing cars. Despite her time with Josh, who I thought had a striking resemblance to Edward Cullen, at least in poorly lit rooms, she still seemed sad. When I was in Bella's presence, I usually felt more alive after a night of hooking up, but Bella internalized everything. While she had not gone into specifics about what had occurred last night, my imagination filled in the blanks. My mind went back to my own night.

After Jeff and I had talked a lot, my entire break-up philosophy was in question in my own mind. There was a part of me that deeply regretted all those sober and drunken encounters. I shuddered to even contemplate how I behaved on New Year's Eve. The other part of me knew that without going our separate ways Jeff and I probably would have never survived his freshman year at UW. Last night when we had talked, Jeff had repeatedly told me he didn't care what had happened when we were apart, but I did.

For a brief second I stared into my eyes in the mirror, before quickly turning them back to the road. False prophet. I felt like a false prophet. I didn't have the answers anymore than they did, yet I led them down this path of self destructive behavior that I was now regretting. How could I even face them? What would I say to them? Jessica wouldn't be bad. She seemed to be over Christian and Mike Newton. She may be a little annoying but she was resilient. Bella. What did I have in common with her anymore? The only thing we ever had was our mutual heartache.

I mean, Jeff and I would have probably broken up if we had stayed together, and as happy as I was now that we were back together, I couldn't help but wonder if my actions while we were apart would have any long-term consequences in my future. Sure, Jeff said it didn't bother him and we would work through these issues. However, I couldn't help but feel tinges of guilt for leading Bella down this same path. She had said so herself that she had no future with Edward. I mean, the situations were different. It was not like he was her brother's best friend. Regardless, I still felt like I owed Bella more.

We arrived back in Forks just as the sun was setting in the sky. It had snowed over the weekend. Funny, we didn't get any of this precipitation in Seattle. The roads were now clear but the grassy was still slushy. I dropped Bella off first and then Jessica. Carefully pulling into my slushy driveway, I started freaking out about what I was going to tell my parents. "Hey, mom and dad. You know that guy who took my heart and did the Mexican hat dance on it? Yeah, we're back together." Totally awkward. Oh, they were totally going to go ape shit. It didn't matter that they have known Jeff since he was a little kids and loved him like one of their own. Nope. I was going straight to the mental institution. Maybe I just wouldn't say anything and see how things played out. I usually edited my weekends to make them safe for the parental units.

After pulling my luggage out of the trunk, I took a deep breath and walked inside. I threw my stuff down and announced my presence. "Mom, Dad, I'm back." I hoped they were expecting me and shuddered at the thought of the alternative.

"Upstairs, honey. We're in the office," my mom called down to me.

I picked up my bags and climbed the stairs upstairs, dropping my bags into my room before entering my parents' office.

"So, how was it?" my mom asked, smiling from behind her computer. She was eyeing my sweatshirt. It was one of Jeff's.

"It was great. I loved it. I mean, it's not like I was planning to go anywhere else, right?"

"That's great, dear. We have some work to finish up. Do you want to order some Chinese food for dinner?" my dad asked, looking up from some paperwork.

Mom was eying the sweatshirt. She smiled. "Anything else happen, Lauren?" she asked, arching her sculpted eyebrow.

Looking down at the floor, I took a deep breath; so much for editing. "Jeff and I talked. He apologized, we made up and we are making another go at it," I replied so quickly that the words ran into one another.

My mom squealed like a schoolgirl. Oh jeez, she was going to start picking up bridal magazines at the Thriftway. She tended to take things to extremes. I guess I took after her a bit. "We knew already, we just wanted to hear it from you! Joan and I have been talking all afternoon. We couldn't be happier," my mom exclaimed, clasping her hands together.

"Jeff called us too," my dad said sternly. "He apologized for his actions and that he will never hurt you like that again. I reminded him that if he pulls anything with you, he and I will take a little hunting trip..."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disbelief. "Dad, the only thing you hunt for is the remote between the cushions of the couch! I'm going to go unpack, do homework and order dinner." I listed my to-do list out loud. "General Tso's and beef lo mein?" They nodded. That went better than I had expected. Jeff had called my parents? That was definitely very mature of him, though it kind of pissed me off at the same time. It was hard to go from zero to sixty so quickly. I was glad we were going to take it slow. Trust doesn't come back all that quickly. I mean, what were they teaching him at UW? He really wasn't the same guy he was in high school and that kind of worried me.

When I got back to my room, I dialed Jeff's number but it just rang and rang before it went through to voicemail. Damn. Maybe this was all some kind of cruel joke.

**Bella POV**

Eight. That is the number of silver Volvos we had already passed driving home from UW. I sat in the backseat counting them while Jessica talked to Lauren in the front seat. When we first left UW, they had asked me about my night with Josh. I had told them we had hooked up, didn't go into specifics, but that he was a sweet. I had stopped expecting to find the love of my life, that most guys were jerks, and thus didn't expect anything from him. Why should I? I was learning you really couldn't expect anything from anyone. I leaned my head against the seatbelt and closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

Last night with Josh was... I didn't know what to think. He was a nice guy. His looks reminded me a bit of Edward, but there was not the same strong pull to him, no electricity, some sparks, but no electricity. Even though he had done amazing things to me, more than Edward and I had ever done, I couldn't help but to compare them. Last night, I had dreamt of Edward again; it had been disturbing waking up in another man's bed after dreaming of him. In my dream, he had remained in the rocking chair I had become accustomed to him occupying, but instead of just looking at me, he had shaken his head at me and had closed his eyes. It had been as if looking at me had caused him pain.

It wasn't until I had looked in the mirror the next morning that I had noticed my mascara-tear stained cheeks. Josh had even joked with me how the swan looked like a raccoon. I ended up punching him in the arm to get him to stop. I had tried wiping the smudges with my fingers.

"Here, use this." Josh had turned me around and had begun wiping the smudges off. "It's clean, I swear. Not everything in a frat house is dirty," Josh said as he had held up a damp washcloth to my face.

Lauren dropped me off first. Charlie was home, probably hoping I would walk in and declare my love of UW with plans to apply. I hated to disappoint him, but it was not right for me.

I called out as I opened the door, "Hey, Dad. I'm home," I cried as I put my bags down at the foot of the steps.

Charlie was in his spot on the couch, basketball on TV. "Welcome home. I missed you." Internally, I cringed at those words. How was I going to go across the country next year if after a weekend he missed me? He must have seen my face because he suddenly tried to amend his comment. "It was quieter around her. Yeah, it was nice, none of that ruckus you normally cause."

"Ruckus? Really?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow. He shook his head and I joined him on the couch. "UW was good; it's just not for me. It's just big and everyone is all about sororities and fraternities. I'm not much of a joiner."

"Can't blame you. I'm not much of a joiner myself. Want to order a pizza or something?"

"Sure, Dad. Hey, by any chance did you talk with Billy this weekend? How's Jake doing? Is he feeling any better?"

"I actually saw Billy yesterday. He, Harry Clearwater and I went fishing. Billy said that Jake was starting to feel better. You should give him a call. That kid sure does like you from the way Billy talks about him."

"Yeah, I definitely owe him a call. Maybe I will try to bring him over some soup or cookies later this week. Anyways, I'm going to go put my stuff away before I trip on it." I jinxed myself, of course. No sooner had the words come out of my mouth, but I found myself tangled in the strap of my duffel bag. _How do I do this to myself?_

Once I successfully climbed the stairs, my room seemed different. I could not tell what or why but I sensed it; familiar electricity was lingering in the air. Not trying to get my hopes up, I ran to the closet and threw open the doors, expecting to find Edward in statue mode hiding in the back. Nope. Just clothes. What was it? What was so different?

Email. It had been a few hours since I last checked it. Spending time with Josh had definitely distracted me, but as soon as we were back in Jennifer's dorm room, I had raced to check to see if I had any messages. I wasn't expecting much to change in the few hours since I last checked, but maybe I had an email from Alice. I ran and switched my computer on. It took forever to boot up. As I waited, I took my duffel bag over to my bed and began to unpack clothes. Once my Windows desktop was loaded, I logged into my email. There it was; I had a new email from Mary Brandon! I held my breath as it loaded and began read it.

_Bella,_

_I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I know you were anxious for an answer. Live your life - try to enjoy time in high school, your friends, Charlie. Whatever decision you make is the right one. I know you are confused and hurting right now. Just remember sometimes things we think we have lost were never lost, just misplaced._

_I love you. Please know it is going to be very difficult for me to email you with Edward asking me not to contact you and it's disrespectful to continue to go against his wishes. As trite as this sounds, please remember - look to yourself for the answers and follow your heart; it will lead you in the right direction. Just don't lose yourself. _

_I miss you too,_

_Alice _

My mind couldn't comprehend the words on the screen and I re-read it several times. The emotions that her words evoked ranged from confusion to anger, but mostly anger. Why had she disobeyed Edward before? Was Edward not around and now he was? It didn't make sense. Where would he have gone? What did that line – just remember sometimes things we think we have lost ewer never lost, just misplaced, mean? It didn't make sense. Alice always saw me being one of them. Did she still see it? How could they all just move on and forget me so easily?

I knew I was being hypocritical but I was doing as she had asked: living my life. The confusion quickly turned to anger and began to boil from within as I thought about what she was really saying, goodbye. This was her Dear John letter. She wasn't going to help me. She was letting me go.

Without thinking, I took the keyboard off the desk and flung it into the screen. It bounced off and hit me before falling to the floor. Damn, they really made these things durable and they hurt too. Sitting on the floor, rubbing the spot where the keyboard had hit me, I started to cry. How was I supposed to live my life and go on? It felt like the weight of my world was crashing down on my shoulders.

"Bella, pizza's here. Bella, are you okay?" Charlie said. He came into my room without knocking. He stood there in the door frame looking at me, probably thinking, _here we go again. My broken daughter having another break down._

"I'm fine. I'll be right down." I wiped my eyes and the snot that was running out of my nose. I tried to think of a stupid excuse, something Charlie would believe, of why I would be so upset. "I just remembered, Varner is going to give us a quiz in Calculus tomorrow and I need to study. If it's okay, can I eat up here?" The lies came out so easily.

"You are crying over a quiz?" he asked.

I nodded in response. "It's a very important quiz and I completely forgot this weekend with all the fun I had, oh, and I have really bad cramps." Any mention of period talk immediately shut Charlie down.

"Uhh, really?" His response indicted he didn't completely believe me but he wasn't going to question me. I also thought he was a little concerned about how much fun I actually had, but as I suspected, ending it with a comment about cramps completely shut him down. "I'll bring you up a couple of slices." Charlie turned and head back downstairs as I continued to sit on the floor. He returned a few minutes later and put a plate on my desk before returning back downstairs.

I was too upset to eat and left the pizza in it the spot Charlie left it. I got up and grabbed my calculus book from out of my bag and opened it up and began studying for my fictitious quiz at my desk. Then I realized I was studying calculus for no reason and went over to my bed to read for awhile. We were reading _Animal Farm_. "Four legs good. Two legs baaaad." Lying down on my bed, the sensation I had felt earlier returned. Something was different. I sniffed at my pillow. It smelled like... Edward.

Had he been here? While I was at UW doing all those things with Josh, he had been here? I hated myself. What had I done to bring this all upon me? Was I that bad of a person? When would this torture end? Maybe it wasn't me. Maybe it was Forks or the entire state of Washington. Ever since I came here, I had nothing but problems. Dealing with Renee was a cakewalk compared to the heartache of the past year. If I could go back in time and never come here, would I? No, I would never give up those few precious months I had with Edward and the Cullens. I was just so tired of the heartache, the angst, the emptiness. As soon as I could, I would leave this cursed town_. He's not coming back_. _They're not coming back._

_Fine, Alice, I will just lead my life but I couldn't follow my heart. It was empty._

* * *

After such a busy weekend, I found the mundane of daily life to be refreshing. Not having to work until later in the week, I baked chocolate chip cookies for Jake and took them to the reservation after school on Monday. When I arrived at the Blacks, Billy reluctantly invited me in. Jacob came out of his bedroom. He looked healthy as horse and was very appreciative of the baked goods. Something was off as soon as I arrived; Billy went straight to the phone and spoke in a very low voice. He kept looking at me; it was strange behavior, even for Billy.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. This was very un-Jacob-like behavior. He was usually much more talkative and would often pepper the conversation with humor and sexual innuendo. As I was telling Jake an edited version of my weekend at UW, Sam Uley walked in and sat beside Jake on the couch. He didn't even knock which was odd. Jake had been suspicious of Sam before he got sick and now Sam just came barging in?

"Hi, Sam," I said, confused, as he sat beside Jacob.

"Bella." He nodded his head at me. "Jacob." When he spoke to Jacob he glared at him almost as a warning. "You look like you are feeling better, Jake. Remaining calm?"

What did calmness have to do with mono? Maybe Sam meant that Jake got overly tired and remaining calm helped him heal?

"It's under control." Jake glared back at Sam. I was definitely missing something.

"Bella, you shouldn't stay too long. Mono can be contagious for weeks and can incubate in your body without you even knowing you have it," Sam said with authority.

Sam creeped me out, but so did the way Jake reacted to him; he agreed with him. I didn't understand it. I quickly said my goodbyes to both Billy, who gave me a hug and to Jake who just nodded and folded his arms over his chest. Sam walked me out to my truck.

"Bella, Jake wouldn't, or couldn't, say this to you, but I can. He doesn't have the heart to tell you that he would prefer if you didn't come around too much. Actually, not at all. You understand, don't you?" He glared at me with his dark eyes. If he was trying to intimidate me, then he was successful.

I gulped, looked up at him, and nodded my head before returning home. Sam's words didn't surprise me, though I thought that Jake would have had the guts to tell me himself. It figured though, the one person I was afraid of hurting had turned the tables on me. If I didn't already carry the burden of a broken heart, losing a friend like Jake would have hurt more, but I didn't, so life went on.

As if my visit to the reservation weren't odd enough, Forks was becoming increasingly more bizarre. The second strange event occurred later that week when I was working my normal shift at the Newton's shop with Mike. I was reorganizing the hiking boots when he asked if we could talk.

"Sure, Mike. What's going on? Did you hear back from UW yet?" I asked. When we worked the same shift, Mike and I usually shared small talk. We weren't great friends and in all honesty, I still sometimes pictured him in women's underwear. Though the thought made me gag.

"Not yet. I'm going for a visit in a few weekends. Ummm, so, yeah...." Mike ran his hand through his hair and shuffled his feet nervously. "Ughh, does Jessica ever talk about me?"

"All the time," I blurted out. It wasn't until after I said those words did I wonder if I had violated some unknown girl code. It was true; Jessica did talk about Mike all of the time. I sort of suspected that despite the panty thing, she still liked him. She loved making him jealous; it doesn't take a psychologist to realize she did so because she wanted his attention. I wish I could make someone jealous. It would mean they still cared.

Mike was grinning ear to ear. "She does!" He shouted. His mother looked over at us. "She does?" he repeated.

"Mike, she loves to make you jealous. It has apparently worked."

"It's just that the events that transpired around our break-up - well, how much do you know? Cause it was just a joke, a joke gone horribly, terribly wrong."

"Don't play games. Be honest, tell her how you feel. Lay it all out there. What's the worst that can happen? You get hurt? She'd bella- out?" Yes, I knew they had created a word based on my screaming on New Year's. I could let it bother me, or I could embrace. I had a few months left. I was sick of caring.

"You – you know we use that word?" Mike stuttered out.

"Mike, what's up?" I asked. We usually made small talk, but Mike was usually an obnoxious jerk.

"Bells, I have a problem and I need your help." I looked at him inquisitively. Why would he need my help? "I want Jessica back. I can't stand thinking about her with anyone else. I don't know if you know this, but I screwed up with her. I did something as a joke, but it got all misconstrued into something else and she didn't believe me."

"Seriously, Newton. If Jess is who you want, I'm ecstatic for you two_." Glad it's not me._

**Lauren POV**

This week totally sucked. Sure, it was only Wednesday. First, Jeff sucked at the calling and long distance communication. Sure, he had tests and papers to write, but he couldn't take his cell phone into the bathroom and call me when he was taking a shit? How hard was that? I know it was a little gross but the long distance thing was hard. The next few months were totally going to suck if it was going to be like this. I couldn't be ignored. I wouldn't be ignored.

Oh, and then it got even more fan-fucking-tastic when Jessica and Mike Newton got back together. He just asked her if she'd take him back and she flat out said yes, without even asking for my opinion! Who saw that coming, anyways? Sure, I was happy if Jessica was happy but Newton? Really? She had just sucked off a college boy and Newton was a total step back from that, even if BJ was a butterface. _Why can't my friends do as they are told?_

Newton. Ughh. If he thought he was going to get into the Delta house now because he was dating Jessica and Jessica was my roommate, he had another thing coming. I wasn't going to pull any strings for him. Any g-strings. Whatever, if Jessica wanted to pull social suicide before college, she wasn't going to take me down.

As I sat at our lunch table, I looked across the table at Bella. She was swirling her spoon around in her peach yogurt. I had been neglecting my friends, but especially her. She still needed me, a lot. Now with Jessica all over Newton, again, I realized she was the odd-woman out.

"Hey, Bella. Want to hang out today after school?" I asked.

"Sure," she said with a shrug. She didn't even look up from her yogurt.

"I'll come over. We can do girlie stuff to freak Charlie out."

"Okay." She took the spoon out of the yogurt and stuck it in her mouth and left it there.

* * *

"So, Jeff totally sucks at the whole long distance communication thing. Hey, Bells, don't you have any music? I don't see any CDs," I called out. Bella was in the bathroom and I was being nosy. She didn't reply.

"Oh, hey, Bella. What's this CD in the CD player by your bed?" I hit the play button before she even replied.

I couldn't hear anything so I turned the volume up. Classical piano music came out of the speakers. It wasn't my style, but the sweet melody was very calming.

That did it. Bella came running into the room. Her pants weren't even buttoned or zipped. I was about to make fun of her choice in underwear, but when I looked up at her face; she looked at me like she had seen a ghost. The blood drained from her face and she was paler than usual, if that was even possible.

"Where? Where'd you find this?" she stammered. She was shaking.

I didn't know what this song was but her reaction to it was freaking me out. I thought Bella was going to bella-out, again. "It was in there. I swear. I just hit play," I choked out defensively, pointing to her CD player.

"It's. It's. It's him. Edward. He wrote this, for me. I thought it was gone. It went missing after he..." She didn't finish her sentence, not that she needed to. Bella slid down to the floor, hugged her knees to her chest and began rocking back and forth to the music. She was crying.

"It's beautiful, Bella." I slid down and put my arms around her. Her head fell to my chest and I did my best to comfort her. Why didn't Jeff compose music for me? Gosh, I guess compared to Edward Cullen, most boys were just a bunch of slackers.

"Lauren, it wasn't there. The CD player was empty. It's been empty since he left. This doesn't make sense. He said there'd be no trace of him. Why am I being tortured? Why does everything remind me of him? Isn't it hard enough?" Bella was shaking her head violently.

"I don't know what to say. Maybe your dad found it over the weekend and put it in there," I suggested. "Yeah, Bells. That must be it, your dad found it. It's not like someone can go and sneak into the home of Chief Swan and live to tell about it." Those words perked Bella's head and she lifted her head up.

"Lauren, I have to see something. Do you mind driving?"

"Sure. Let's go."

**Bella POV**

After directing Lauren where to turn, her car traveled down the long drive to their house. I wasn't sure what I expected to find. I figured nothing but I just had to see for myself. The drive to the house was quite beautiful; last weekend's snow had lingered on the trees. The driveway was slushy. We pulled up to the house and I stepped out of the car. I hadn't been back since the night Jasper had attacked me. I had been tempted to go and see it several times, but couldn't. I just had to see if they were really gone.

"What is this place?" Lauren asked, stepping out of the car.

"It's the Cullen's house or was," I replied, not turning back to look at her.

"What a great property. Are they selling it? My parents would love to have a listing like this. This house is so old. It's like a hundred years old, right? Who knew anything so old could be so beautiful?"

I shook my head. If Lauren only knew. I should have come alone. I walked up to the front steps and peered inside. The furniture was covered with white sheets. Lauren remained by the car. They were really gone. I knew that. They weren't coming back. I knew that. I had to leave it to fate. I knew that too.

"Bella, nobody knows about this place, right? It would be awesome to throw a party here. No one would ever know about it, " Lauren called out. "Hey, Bella come over here. There are footprints and tire marks over by the garage.

I carefully walked over to Lauren. Even in hiking boots, I would find a way to slip on the slushy grass. When I arrived I looked down at the footprints by the garage. I hated being the daughter of a cop. I knew too many things. They were definitely made by a man's shoe.

"Wow! Whoever was here had BIG feet," Lauren cried out as she knelt down to get a better look.

I didn't want to believe he had been here. Instead of looking at the tread more closely, I took a peek inside the garage window. It was empty. All the cars were gone, but there were tire marks still visible in the slush outside.

"Bella, it's cold. What are you looking for, anyways?" Lauren asked in a whiny voice.

"It's not here. It might have been but it's not anymore." I replied coldly as I walked briskly back to the car.

**Lauren POV**

That was the weirdest afternoon, ever. After our exploration of the grounds of the Cullen's home, I dropped Bella off and went home. No one was there; my parents were working. I could have done homework, but instead, I called Jeff. Fine if he wasn't going to call me, I'd call him. I needed his help, anyways.

I dialed and it rang several times. Crap. _He's screening. He's avoiding me. Here we go again; he's dumping me._

Then he picked up on the final ring.

"Lauren!" he cried breathlessly.

"Hi, Jeff. You okay there?"

"I was down the hall talking to Josh and ran to pick up once I heard it ring. I've missed you so much. My exam today went well. What's going on with you, baby?"

I filled Jeff in on my abnormal afternoon with Bella. I had an idea on how to distract her but it required Jeff's help. Apparently, great minds think alike because Jeff had just been talking to Josh about a very similar plan. Jeff and I were so on the same wave length. Bella was going to be in for a real shock, come Friday afternoon!

**Bella POV**

Lauren dropped me off at home after our disastrous sojourn to the Cullen house. Charlie was not home yet and I didn't feel like cooking. Instead, I went up to my room and to lie down and think, really think about what had just happened.

Why did ever think I would find anything there? The tracks proved that someone had been there recently and the CD reappearing couldn't be a coincidence, could it? Whoever it was, they weren't around anymore. _Fate. Fate. Lost. Found._ Alice's words swirled around in my head, almost making me dizzy. I was glad I was on my bed. _Live your life. Live my life. Be normal. Live life._ Fine, Alice, I'll do it but not here.

As my thoughts moved from irrational to rational, I posed a plan. Whatever university I attended, I would leave to attend right after graduation. There had to be some type of summer program or early start program offered to incoming freshman, even if it was in calculus. I needed to get out; the sooner the better.

AN: I am so sorry it took so long to post this chapter. My beta has had a brush with bad luck, which, fingers crossed, should be over. I almost wrote an entire mini-fic about everything that has happened: from misplaced engagement rings, to bed bugs, and then car accidents, this poor girl has been through it all. So, please accept my deepest apologies.

Over, Under and Through was nominated for a Twilight Indie Award. The first round of voting begins on February 20. Please vote at http://www (dot) theindietwificawards (dot) com


	20. Chapter 20: Hanging on Too Long

**A/N: Thanks to Project Team Betas and JM for their help on this chapter. SM still owns Twilight. **

**My permanent beta is on hiatus. If any reader has beta-ing experience and wants to help out send me a PM or hit me up on twitter StupidReader. **

**Thank you so much for being such great readers. **

_**It was just my mistake thinking you cared**__**  
**__**It was just my mistake thinking you'd be there**__**  
**__**That you'd be by my side and that you wouldn't lie**__**  
**__**My mistake…**__**  
**__**I know it's wrong, hanging on too long**__**  
**__**I know it's wrong, hanging on too long**__**  
**__**But I need to move on, hanging on too long**_

_**Duffy**_

**Bella POV**

The CD was like the heart in _The Tell-Tale Heart. _I couldn't bring myself to listen to it, I couldn't bring myself to break it. It sat there in the CD player next to my bed, a constant reminder that he was out there, that he had existed that at some point he had cared and that he had loved me. Sometimes I would open up the CD player and look at it, touching an object he had made for me. It validated that he had been real.

"Nevermore," I recited, turning the CD over, figuring I would stick with the Edgar Allen Poe literary references.

I was convinced that he had returned, but he must have been here when I was away for the weekend, and he must have left. He had made it clear to me that whatever he wanted; I wasn't it. There was part of me that still couldn't believe he had broken his promise of never of returning, though. I remembered everything he had told me in the meadow clearly. Maybe he lied or maybe he just broke his promise - correction promises. When I lived in Phoenix I was a realist, but then Edward lulled me into a false sense of security. He led me to believe that there was someone out there for me, but now I was back to being a realist. Reality was that people broke promises and you couldn't rely on anyone but yourself.

Even though I felt emotionally drained and empty inside I tried to keep up appearances. I interacted with my friends in school, but thankfully they were all too wrapped up in their own lives with their boyfriends to notice that I had lost interest in doing anything fun – well, Lauren noticed, I think. I focused on school; keeping my grades up, yearbook, and work. Colleges still looked at grades and I hadn't been accepted anywhere yet. Charlie kept asking about Jake – why didn't I call him to hang out. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that Jake too had dropped me as a friend. There was a lot I couldn't tell Charlie; I tried to put on a strong front for him, but it was just that, a front.

He no longer even looked at me in my dreams. He stood with his back turned, facing the window. Alice took his place in the rocking chair. Instead of looking at me, she flipped through a fashion magazine and tapped her fingers. She appeared to be bored, like she was waiting for something. It was like that nightly, night, after night after night. My dreams never changed and I didn't even attempt to try to figure out what they meant. Like my life, they just were what they were.

It was another Friday night home alone. I had just finished my shift at Newton's and Charlie was working a double shift since the flu was going around. I was reading on the couch, when I heard a knock at my door; I wasn't expecting anyone. Jessica was off with Mike somewhere and Lauren had been unsure what she was doing this weekend. She kept diverting the conversation whenever anyone asked what she was up to this weekend. It was a little out of character for her, but lately the Lauren I knew was completely different; it wasn't a bad thing either.

As I opened the door, I was surprised at who was behind it: Josh. What was he doing standing at my front door in Forks? He was the last person I expected to see. Well, besides a Cullen. Actually, I think I would have been less surprised by a Cullen on my doorstep.

"Josh! Hi," I said with my mouth agape. My voice was raised a few octaves higher than its normal range. Josh had emailed me a few times over the past few weeks, and I had responded, but I never expected this.

"Hey, Beautiful Swan. Surprise!" He held up one of his hand hands in a tah-dah fashion and brandished a bouquet of carnations in his other hand.

"But... How?....Who?... How did you know where I lived? What are you doing here?" I asked, crinkling my nose in confusion.

Before Josh could answer, Lauren, with Jeff right beside her, came around from the side of the house.

"Bella, you've been so depressed. I thought I would call in for reinforcements. We're going out; all of us," Lauren interjected. She walked past Jeff and made her way inside, pushing me aside slightly in her grand gesture. Josh and Jeff followed in suit.

"These are for you, Bella," Josh mumbled, handing me the bouquet of pink carnations.

Despite my aversion to gifts, I reluctantly accepted the bouquet. I didn't have the energy to go through the efforts of refusing them. "Flowers? Really?" I asked, blushing. I looked over at Lauren, who shrugged. She was right; I needed a distraction. _Live your life. _Alice's words danced in my head. Sitting at home alone wasn't going to change anything and perhaps going out wouldn't either, but at least I would be doing something.

"I have to apologize for not calling," Josh replied, pushing back my hair and caressing the side of my face. My heart began to race as Josh made contact with my skin; I felt alive. In the rare setting sun, I noticed that Josh actually didn't look like Edward at all. His hair was now shorter and appeared to be darker than what I had remembered. It was a relief to see that they weren't that similar. I didn't want to develop some type of psychological complex with red-heads.

"I've got to put these in water," I muttered, walking toward the kitchen. Charlie didn't have a vase so I put the flowers in a tall water glass and filled it with water. Being away from everyone else for those few minutes allowed me to reflect upon what was occurring. The rational part of me wanted to go, have fun, be a normal senior in high school. Then there was another part of me that wanted to be alone, reading in a dark house o a Friday night. It wasn't much use fighting with myself. The rational side would win, partly because I knew wallowing in self-pity didn't accomplish anything, and partly because I knew Lauren wouldn't allow the other side to be victorious.

When I returned to the living room, Lauren seemed to take control, as per usual. "Okay, now then. Boys, couch. Bella, upstairs. I have to get you ready for tonight. We're going out," Lauren ordered. She was already dressed in jeans, heels, and a hot pink top.

She marched me upstairs to my room, where she picked out some clothes for me and started on my hair and makeup. She explained that Josh had driven Jeff home for the weekend. We were all going to Port Angeles to attend a party at Aaron's house and if we wanted to, we could then we could crash at Jeff's house afterward. As she applied my make-up, Lauren kept humming the tune of that oldies song, "My Boyfriend's Back." I think Lauren could not wait to show off her newly reborn relationship and prove to all the guys she had been with that she was now off the market.

"Bella, I'm sorry I've been a little distant lately. I've been confused about everything in life and I didn't want to really burden anyone with my issues. You see, all my experiences with other guys have shaped who I am, so I know I shouldn't and I don't regret what I've done, but part of me does regret how reckless I was when I engaged those activities. So you know when I said the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else?"

I nodded remembering Lauren's motto. So far it had only led to disaster for me – Jason, Jacob… perhaps even Josh, but yet Josh hadn't done anything to be placed in the same category as the other two. _Did I regret the other two? No, she was right. I__** was **__living my life! I was trying to, at least._

"Well, I think it's okay to have fun with guys, but only as long as **you** are okay with it. Josh is a good guy. He's very mature for his age – more like your type. Besides, he's not a jerk like Jason was; he won't hurt you," Lauren assured me. I nodded my head. Jason had been nice but turned out to be a jerk.

I had to admit, the thought of going to that party was nothing short of being tortured, but there was a small part of me that liked the idea of going with Josh. I wanted Jason to see me with him. I sort of understood Lauren's excitement. I looked forward to being vindicated for the way Jason had just looked at me at my time in need. My thoughts turned back to Josh. I had written him off since we had left UW a few weeks ago. I wasn't going to school there and he wasn't Edward, but then neither was anyone else. Nobody else would ever be him. I had made the conscious decision to live in the now as best as I could. Taking a deep breath, giving in to what my life had become, I turned to Lauren.

"So what are you having me wear tonight?" I asked with a slight shrug. Yup, I was living my life; come what may.

**Lauren POV**

I am so awesome. Really. Totally Awesome. Genius. Josh was just what Bella needed; she was really trying with him, not just going through the motions. At least I thought she was, unless she was a good actress or putting on a very strong face. She was acting happy, even hopeful. It was so fucking refreshing. It didn't seem like an act, I knew all about acting like everything was wonderful. I had been thinking about my old advice, a lot. Okay, obsessing over it. Yeah, I had made several mistakes – sleeping with guys I only had lukewarm feelings for, getting drunk and hooking up with two guys, dating almost an entire basketball team, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was those experiences that made me appreciate Jeff that much more. Things with us were good. Not great, but good. Though there was a small inkling in the back of my brain to be careful; he had broken me once, he could easily do it again.

We grabbed food up in Port Angeles. Nothing fancy; although I wanted Italian, we end up at the same place we had gone for lunch when I had given Bella her makeover. The conversation at dinner was not boring. Bella actually talked to Josh and engaged in conversation without being prompted. The guys didn't realize it, but I understood how much of a big deal it was. I knew she had missed the deadline for UW, but it would really be cool for the four of us to hang out next year. Jeff kept taking my hand under the table and playing with my fingers. I brushed by his crotch and watched a huge grin erupt on his face – that wasn't the only thing erupting, either.

Things were going really well with us. I thought tonight would be the night we would make love, again. I was ready. He was ready. Our relationship was ready. They say long distance relationships are hard, and it's true; but they also make you work hard for what you want. Our communication was never this good before. Sure, we were younger then, but now it seemed we were both approaching our relationship with new eyes. Even though I'm still in high school, well just barely, it feels more like an adult relationship. I always was mature for my age!

After dinner, we drove to Aaron's house. Jessica and Newton were supposed to be there too, but I wanted to avoid them. Newton had been asking far too many questions about Jeff and I knew he would be laying it on thick in hopes of pledging Delta. _Annoying. It was pathetic and annoying, but that pretty much summed up Newton._

With plastic cups full of cheap beer from the keg, the four of us did a lap around Aaron's house. It took a while, since Jeff kept running into people he knew and had to introduce Josh to all of them. The best part was when we ran into Chip and then Kevin. They weren't hanging out together; in fact, according to the gossip Sarah shared with me, they kept their distance from one another at school too.

I'm still not sure whose expression was better – Chip's or Kevin's. Chip actually came up to me as I stood next to Jeff and put his arm around me. Jeff, who was talking to someone, looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I smiled at him and quickly snaked myself away. It was too late for Chip, Jeff had seen him and decided to play it out.

He approached Chip. "Hey Bro, get your hands off of her," he sneered.

Chip replied, "No dude, this is Lauren Mallory. She doesn't mind." He tried to put his arm around me, again. I tried to squirm away.

"Listen, little boy, that is not Lauren Mallory. That is the future Mrs. Fishbourne and you will respect her." Jeff turned and winked at me. He was fucking around with Chip, but I don't think he was kidding about that last comment. It made my heart soar. _Gee, if I was going to be Mrs. Fishbourne, I was going to have to drink a lot more._

"Huh?" Chip looked around confused.

"Oh, allow me to introduce myself, douche. Jeff Fishbourne, Lauren's boyfriend. You will respect her; in fact, you will respect every woman here, and we won't have a problem." Jeff extended his hand for Chip to shake it, which he did, reluctantly.

Jeff's encounter with Kevin didn't go as smoothly, but was still satisfying. Kevin had been watching Jeff kiss me in a corner and he approached Jeff when I went over to talk to Sarah. I'm not sure what exactly he said to Jeff, as Jeff refused to repeat it. Jeff ended up shoving Kevin, causing Kevin to fall on his butt, and everyone around laughed and pointed at him. As I made my way over to Jeff's side, he immediately began to was pull me away. After that, word got around quickly that my boyfriend was back, but the thrill of showing him off quickly dissipated.

**Bella POV**  
Edward and I had never really double dated. We hung out with Alice and Jasper and watched movies but we never went out and did stuff; definitely never to a restaurant with other couples. It was pointless if I was the only one eating. I was relieved when we ended up at the little café rather than La Bella Italia, the restaurant Edward had taken me to after rescuing me.

Josh was considerate, funny, and engaging. He didn't let me sit in silence and fall into the dark recesses of my own mind. Instead, he asked me questions directly, leaving me no choice but to answer. We talked about several interesting topics. He was enamored with the Olympic Peninsula. He talked about growing up in the suburbs of Chicago, going to a large high school, where he barely knew half the people in his graduating class. It reminded me of going to school in Phoenix. I had not thought about my old life in so long and it was odd to do so now.

Shockingly, I allowed myself to have a good time. I tried not to think about who I was, about _Him. _ As we drove to the party, I called Charlie and let him know that I was going to sleep over at Lauren's house that night. He was actually pleased that I was doing this since he had been working so much.

Josh held my hand, as we wound through the hallways of Aaron's house, and it soothed my nerves. It wasn't that I was nervous at parties, per se, no; it was more that I disliked the thumping music and people having a good time with no cares in the world. I was envious of girls who could cut loose and dance without worrying about tripping over their own feet. It wasn't me, and it would never be me. As much I let myself go and tried not to be serious, I could never be carefree like that. Renee was perpetually one of those carefree girls, even remarried and living in Jacksonville. There was too much of Charlie in me; I would never be like that.

Josh took the party in stride. We walked a few paces behind Lauren and Jeff as she made it known her boyfriend was back. Jeff, who seemed like a nice guy, introduced Josh around to a few people he knew and always included me. I knew some of the people. I had met them before and when he said my name, I saw how it registered on their faces. They remembered me from New Year's Eve. How could they forget the crazy screaming girl? In a previous lifetime, I would have blushed, but now that I knew that after this year I would never see any of these people again.

Lauren, who liked to make sure her presence known whenever she walked into a room, padded off with Jeff. I was sure she was searching for Kevin and Chip to prove to them she was different now. This left Josh and me alone. We wandered into an unused sitting room, with couches, where we could actually hear one another without shouting. I was sipping beer, careful not to overdo it, like I had on New Year's. As we sat there next to one another, our bodies angled so we could still face each other, part of me wanted to kiss him. I missed contact. Charlie wasn't a hugger and it is strange how you can realize that you can go through an entire day without touching another person.

"Do you hear that?" Josh asked, sitting down, peeling off his leather jacket.

"No, what do you hear?" I replied, joining him.

"I don't have to shout to carry on a conversation with you." Josh's arm went over my shoulders. I noticed he even had freckles on his arm.

"It's nice." I leaned my head against his chest. It was warm. It wasn't complicated with Josh; there was no pressure.

"You're nice." He looked down at me so that our noses touched.

"Thanks for coming up here and spending time with me," I mumbled, looking up at him through my eyelashes. I wanted him to kiss me. Thinking back to what his mouth had done at UW, I wanted his mouth on me. I wanted contact, human contact.

"And miss this raging kegger of a high school party? Wild horses wouldn't have stopped me." Josh licked his lips and put his hand on my thigh. My insides started to bubble, in a good way. _Live your life. _I didn't do anything to move his hand away. My breath hitched. He was going to kiss me.

I bit my lip. His eyes crossed as he looked down at me and started to lean in. His lips met mine. I still wasn't used to open mouthed kissing. Old habits must die hard. His hand reached out and grabbed my hair, pulling me closer to him. I opened my mouth and admitted his tongue into mine. His weight pushed down on me and I leaned back on the couch, with Josh sliding on top of me, careful not to crush me under his body.

We continued to kiss. His hot tongue explored my mouth, and I moved mine around with it. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands, so I wrapped them around his neck, scratching at his back a bit. Josh, on the other hand, was quite busy with his hands, as he gently caressed them down my clothed body. They danced around the hem of my top, until they were touching the skin on my stomach, and then he moved them lower, under my jeans. I opened my eyes, and glanced behind me. The thumping of the stereo's bass could still be heard in the background.

I mimicked his motions, bringing my hand to his stomach and sliding it under his jeans. I felt his hardness that lay beneath his underwear; he had worn them this time, which was a relief. His fingers danced under my panties, finding the hot wetness that had pooled there. He slowly brought his fingers to rest inside of me. It felt good. I did the same, bringing my fingers to rest on his hardened shaft; his skin was on fire. Then we both started to rock back and forth. The friction felt good, but not as good as when his mouth had been on me. Josh slid another finger inside of me. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but then it wasn't. We continued exploring one another with our hands, trying our best to keep our clothes on.

"Bella!" a deep voice shouted from above me.

I opened my eyes, Josh was on top of me, hands down my pants. I moved my hands off of Josh. I knew that voice. Jake. _What?_

"Jake, what?" I asked confused.

The next set of events happened in rapid succession. "Get up! Is that what you do now? Fuck random guys at parties? Come with me," Jake barked, pulling at my arm. He was strong and almost pulled my arm out of the socket.

"Oww! Jake! Stop Get off!"

Josh quickly rolled off of me and got to his feet. "Dude, get your hands off of her. She's fine," Josh stated, sitting up and moving to get up. Stunned, I sat there on the couch unable to move. I didn't want a confrontation. Jake must be on steroids; he was bigger than he had been when I had just seen him. This wouldn't end well.

"Jacob Black, get your hands off of me," I repeated. My voice was now screeching as I got to my feet, trying to straighten out my now ruffled clothes.

"I can't watch you turn yourself into a whore. He doesn't want you; he's just using you, Bella. Is that how you are going to be? Throwing yourself at every guy who looks at you? It's sick. Come on, get yourself together, I'm taking you out of here. I know what's best for you."

Quil and Embry, both of whom had developed muscles almost as big as Jacob's, walked into the room and started glaring at Jacob. They were trying to hold him back as he started pulling on me harder. I stumbled a little toward Jake and then lost my footing, falling onto the carpeting.

"Jake, get it under control," Quil yelled at him; he and Embry were both trying to pull Jake back.

Josh reached up and helped me off the floor.

I pushed Josh back a little bit, I tried to convey with my eyes and a slight head nod that this was my battle. This wasn't about him.

Standing up, I turned toward Jake. "You didn't want me." I wiped the tears from my face. I had had enough. "You couldn't be with me. Oh wait, you shouldn't be with me and you didn't even tell me yourself. You had Sam tell me all of this." I took a step closer to Jake, getting in his face. "Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing with my life. Don't assume anything about me. You lost that right when you stopped talking to me. You're nothing but a coward. I don't belong to you or anyone else and I will do as I please. So, Jake, just go. Now." I gestured toward the door, my hand shook with emotion. I looked back at Josh, who was standing with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

"Come on, Jake. Sam's going to kill you," Embry growled, as he and Quil pulled Jake out of the room.

"Bella, this isn't over. You only know half the story…" Jake's voice faded into the noise of the party as his friends dragged him away.

I turned to Josh, crossing my arms. How do I explain this? "You must hate me. That was Jacob Black; are dad's are friends. We, umm…had a thing, but he, well you heard."

"Come on, Beautiful Swan, let's find the gruesome twosome and get out of here." Josh put his arm around me and led me into the other room. He seemed unfazed, never asking questions, just giving me what I needed. Right now I needed to get away from the party and my past.

**Lauren POV**

The night was still young as we shot the ping pong balls into plastic cups. I was drinking for two since Jeff remained sober to drive us home though he was pretty good at beer pong; I was his designated drinker. The drama had subsided; at least that is what I thought until I saw a bunch of the Quileute boys dragging Jacob Black toward the door. It was like four of them, and they were big guys, pushing him out the door. _Wonder what happened? Drama. Always drama. _I was definitely drunk but it was out of habit and nothing else.

"Let's go. I want to go, Lauren. Now." _Why hello, forceful Bella. Where did you come from? _ She was angry; it was cute.

"Okay, Bella, baby. Let's skedaddle." I snapped my fingers. _Shit the room is following me when I turn my head. Guess I had too much beer. "_Jeffy. Jeffy-poo, come on. Bella bee wants to go home." I put too much emphasis on the "o" in home.

"Oh, baby. You're really drunk. Let me help you." Jeff picked me up and carried me in his arms like a baby. _Oh! A girl could get used to this. _I nuzzled my nose into his neck and peeked behind him; Bella and Josh were following us out. His arm was around her and she looked relieved. Vigilant, but relieved. _Wonder what crawled up her butt and died? Oh yeah Edward Cullen; he totally crawled up her ass and died. That is why she is so fucked up. Hey, how'd we get out to the car?_

Jeff placed me in the front seat, reaching across me he buckled my seatbelt, and his hand grazed my boob. I reached out to grab his crotch but he moved away. Bella and Josh climbed into the backseat. I turned around, forgetting about Jeff's crotch, to try to figure out what was going on. Bella was leaning against Josh. Her arms were crossed, and he was tenderly kissing her forehead.

"What the fuck just happened?" I asked. Even I could tell I was slurring my words together.

"Bella and I were… well and…" Josh started mumbling. _What was he talking about?_

The next thing I remembered was Jeff slipping into bed next to me. It was his bed at his parents' house. I leaned back and snuggled next to him. _Polo, mmmh. _So much for having sex tonight. I completely forgot about Bella and Josh.

**Bella POV**

After carrying a passed out Lauren up to his room, Jeff showed us around his parents' house. He left it very open about sleeping arrangements – leaving the choice up to me and Josh. Josh had already stowed his belongings in the guest room and invited me in to play video games or watch him play if I preferred. Jeff slipped away, stating he wanted to spend time with Lauren, even if she was passed out.

Josh turned the small television on and mumbled something about checking the score of the Bull's game. I nodded as I took a seat next to him on the edge of the converted pull-out sofa, and looked over at him, studying him. Josh was a pretty cool guy. nothing phased him; even tonight with Jacob verbally attacking me and physically trying to pull me away, Josh didn't act like a possessive, well, asshole. How dare Jacob Black say anything to me? Why did everyone think they knew what was best for me? Sure, I wasn't the best at making decisions. Every choice I had made lately had backfired on me. Maybe, Josh knew was what was best for me, at least for now? _Live your life. _ I kept repeating my new mantra.

I yawned a little too loudly and quickly covered my mouth. Josh looked over at me and yawned too; they were contagious. "So, sleeping arrangements. You can take the bed here and I can go down to the couch downstairs…."

I thought about it for a minute. It wasn't like I hadn't slept in his bed before. I thought back to his tongue, his mouth, his fingers, down there a few weeks ago. "I wouldn't want to make you sleep on the couch, when the pullout is big enough for both of us." I bit my lip, waiting for his answer.

"Well, we didn't exactly get to finish what we started at that party. It's up to you, Beautiful Swan. You tell me what you want." He leaned a little closer to me.

I leaned into him and brushed my lips against his before pulling back. "You. I want you." In that moment, since that was what I had decided to live in, I did. For once, someone was letting me call the shots.

Josh and I began kissing again, which in turn led to groping one another again, until we were exactly where we had left off at the party – our hands down each other's pants. The only difference was that with the added privacy, we could then shed our tops and pants. Josh gently pulled his hands out of me and took my hand off his erection. His fingers interlaced with mine as he held my hands over my head and slid his body on top of mine. The bulge of his penis brushed up against my wet panties. _Whoa!_ The friction felt good.

His fingers released mine as he then ghosted his fingers down my arms, neck, to my breasts. He rubbed and pinched my nipples through my bra, causing me to buck my hips back into his bulge. "Bella, if this at anytime is too much, tell me and we'll stop," he said, his voice hoarse.

Josh knew all the right things to say to me. Jake's word, 'I know what is best for you," echoed faintly in my head. No, he didn't. I thought about Lauren's speech earlier tonight – about not regretting her past ways and realizing it was a part of who she was. Then I thought about Alice. She had told me to live my life. Wasn't this what normal eighteen year olds did? Renee always said to save yourself for someone special, there would never be anyone that special ever again.

Josh was nibbling at my neck; his fingers were battling with my bra clasp. I brought my fingers to his chin and moved his face so that I could look him in the eyes. "I want to keep going," I replied, making sure he saw that I did. It seemed rash and reckless, but I couldn't think of a counterargument not to continue.

At that moment, he finally unhooked my bra and it fell limply on me. "You sure?" he asked again. I nodded, sliding my bra off and throwing it to the floor. "It may hurt a bit." I nodded again. Pain meant I was alive. "Let me go get – we'll take it slow." He gave me a sloppy kiss on my mouth before rolling off the bed.

Lying there on the bed, almost completely naked, my heart pounded out of my chest. I had always thought it would be Edward. Even though I knew he thought he couldn't, I had hoped that somehow he would find a way to be my first. Angst, fear, and a newly found sense of empowerment washed over me in the fleeting moments Josh spent fishing around in his bag.

He returned moments later with a square foil package that he set on the table next to the bed. His fingers danced up and down my arm as he rolled over onto his side. His eyes moved up and down my body. Su SSSESSddenly, I felt very exposed, and I moved my other arm to cover my breasts.

"Don't. You're breathtaking." I wasn't. Lauren was the one who was pretty enough to be a model. I was just plain looking Bella Swan, the girl who had never good enough. He moved my arm away and brought his lips to mine. "I want you. I want you so badly, right now." I brought my leg up, pushing him into me as I returned his words with a deep kiss. His tongue pushed into my mouth, massaging mine.

His erection pushed through his underwear against mine. I pushed my hips upward to meet his and then I brought my hands down his body to the band of his underwear. If someone had told me that this is what I would be doing tonight, I wouldn't have believed them. I knew I could stop, but I didn't want to. The adrenalin rush from the anticipation of what was about to happen propelled me to keep going.

Josh moved his hands down to meet mine and then began pushing his underwear down as well, kicking them off the bed. The only thing separating him from me was the wet fabric of my panties.

"Let me put this on and you can take those off," he suggested as he rolled off of me.

I swallowed hard and pushed my panties down. My heart was beating incredibly fast as Josh brought his lips to mine. "You can tell me to stop at any time, okay?"

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. Part of me knew I should stop him, but I felt alive. He positioned himself at my entrance but didn't venture further. He kissed my lips and my neck. "Here goes," he warned. It wasn't exactly romantic.

I felt the smooth rubber glide inside of me, but just lightly inside of me. He pushed a little farther, but my body resisted. I pulled my eyes shut. There was pain and discomfort, not that I was stranger to pain and discomfort, however it was normally in my heart and not that low. In that brief fleeting moment I thought about Edward. A wave of regret washed over me. This was supposed to be him, and although I knew it would never be him, I decided I couldn't bear to go further. I looked at his face, expecting to see Edward. Want it to be Edward who was inside of me. Hoping it was really Edward and not Josh. I opened my eyes and met his.

"Edward! Stop!"

**AN: Thanks for reading. I love hearing what you thought, so leave a review if you want. Also don't forget to vote for Over, Under & Through for the TwiFic Indie Awards. Voting starts February 20:**

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Hanging On Too Long Lyrics by ****Duffy, Aimee Ann; Hogarth, James Dearness; White, Francis Eg;**


	21. Chapter 21: Scene Change

Chapter 21: Scene Change

Wear these clothes, walk this way, do exactly what they say  
It's your life, but their way, follow me, it's all the same

Scene Change, La da da la da da da da  
We Change, La da da  
Can you get in where you fit in  
-The White Tie Affair

**Lauren POV**

I woke up and opened my eyes trying to get my bearings. It took me a few moments to realize where I was and whom I was with. Everything was so familiar; I wanted to pinch myself. All that time that we were broken up, I had dreamed about being beside him, and here I was.

The pain radiating from my head was dull, but still noticeable. I had definitely had too much to drink last night. I needed to take a break from my partying ways. Sure, last night was fun, but with Jeff around, I didn't need alcohol to have a good time and passing out ruined our plans. As far as hangovers went, I had worse.

His armed reached out and wrapped around me – we were spooning on his bed. Feeling remorseful, I tried to make amends by pushing my ass into his morning wood. Jeff moaned as I ground into his cock. It didn't take much coaxing with my hand before I whipped it out of his boxers and brought it closer to me. He moaned again at the heat radiating from me. With his hardened length in my hand, I inched the thin strip of material from my panties over and placed him inside. I rubbed myself up and down on his shaft getting him wet from my juices, before rolling away from him. My head didn't hurt if it remained on the pillow.

"You little cock tease. Now you've done it!" He rolled on top of me and attacked me with kisses and tickles. I was laughing so hard that I barely noticed when he pulled away to slip the condom then he came at me with full force.

I tried to relax my body to permit him entrance, but it took awhile and hurt a little bit. I was tight. As he slid further into me and our eyes met, I knew it was right, at least for now.

**Bella POV**

My heart was pounding out of my chest as Josh pushed himself off of me. This wasn't right. I knew it wasn't right. My head had tried to rationalize my decision, that Josh was just the right guy at the right time, but my heart couldn't be convinced. Despite my anger from earlier that night toward Jacob and my grief, I couldn't escape the fact that Edward Cullen owned my heart and in that moment right before Josh was to enter me fully, I had finally admitted it to myself.

All these months, I had tried to ignore it, tried to drink it away, attempted to cover it with kisses and gropes, but it was there; it had always been there. I still loved him and I had never properly mourned my loss. Sure, I had cried and had been heartbroken but I had also put up a strong façade, trying to pretend that I was okay. I had done it for my friends and for Charlie. They needed to know I was going to be okay, but I wasn't.

Here I was, naked and raw with emotions. I hated myself for letting Edward have this much hold over my life. I was angry at him for leaving, for not loving me, and for coming back and leaving, again. I was angry at myself for allowing him to permeate almost every thought in my brain. I felt bad that I had led Josh on, when clearly I wasn't ready for this, at least not with him.

Josh looked over at me and sighed. "It's okay. I'll be right back after I take care of this," he said, pointing to his crotch as he kissed my forehead. He climbed over the side of the bed and went to into the bathroom in the hallway.

As the minutes ticked by, I began to grow weary that he wasn't coming back to bed. Perhaps he was yet another man to add to the growing list of men who had run from me. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped him. No, it wasn't right. Josh was kind and sweet, but I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know if I could ever be in love again. I pulled my underwear and a t-shirt on and curled myself up in a ball.

Josh did come back. He had only been gone for a couple minutes; it had just felt much longer to me. After putting on his underwear, he climbed back into the bed to comfort me.

"Bella, it's okay. You know not every relationship has to lead to marriage. Sometimes it's about just getting what you need and not necessarily what or who you want," Josh said, wrapping his arms around my curled up body.

"I don't know what I need or what I want. I just know I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

I couldn't do it. I did do it but I couldn't do it. There was so much battling between my heart and my head and my head could only wins so many times before the heart won a round.

He fell asleep holding me, soothing me, but I couldn't succumb to slumber. My mind raced thinking about my sexual status. People made such a big deal out of it and I guess, I technically wasn't a virgin anymore, if having the tip of Josh in me counted as that. He deserved better than me. I was damaged goods and seemed to hurt everyone I touched.

Josh didn't see it that way though; he didn't seem to care that I had rejected him and refused to allow me to run away and hide. Instead, we hung out again on Saturday and he didn't pressure me to try to have sex with him or do anything physical, for that matter. He told me he enjoyed spending time with me and that the physical stuff was just a bonus. That was a good thing, because we never did get as physical as we had that other night.

The next few weeks blurred by, as the last quarter of the school year often did. Josh would call or email me and we would talk about what was going on in our lives. Between every teacher trying to keep us busy and avoid the senior slump and the need to finish up the yearbook, my days were very busy. My friends were all abuzz about three things: college acceptances, spring break, and prom. The first thing was exciting for me, but I was working during spring break and trying my best to avoid the prom.

All around me, my friends began to receive envelopes from around the country. Thick ones meant screeching and jumping up and down, whereas the thin envelopes meant hugs and consoling. I started to watch my friends make their first real adult decision – where they would be going to school. For me, my whole life had been spent making adult decisions: telling Renee that her current boyfriend was no good, reminding her to pay taxes on time, deciding to move to Forks. I had received several acceptance letters, one from every school I had applied to. Charlie proudly stuck each one to the refrigerator. I tried to look at each one and think about it logically. I just knew I needed to get away. I needed a place where I didn't have any baggage, where I could blend in and just be another face in the crowd, a place without memories, where I could be me without him.

It was this logic that made question whether I should have gone to Jacksonville and lived with Renee, but I think that seeing her and Phil being all lovey-dovey would have killed me. I was lost. Lost in the shuffle of my friends' lives and lost in my memories. Most importantly I had lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. Even though my friends had sworn they wouldn't let me become a zombie, I had become a lemming.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion and thought it was their prerogative to share it with me. When it came down to it, the scholarship that NYU offered me made it stand apart from the other schools. Charlie of course, was concerned for my safety, of course, but after I did some research and showed him how safe New York City had become, he relented. It was more than that though; I know he was sad about me going so far away.

"Bells, I've told you time and again that I want you to be happy. I've seen you through so much this year, and you've taken yourself through a very tough situation and made the best of it. If it's NYU you want, then I won't stand in your way. Just let me get you some pepper spray."

NYU also had an early summer start option, and after much discussion with Charlie and Renee, I decided to opt into it. The sooner I could run from my memories, the better. It was all set; I was going to leave shortly after graduation, a decision that brought me both relief and pain.

Once I had committed to going there, I received mail almost daily from NYU – including a letter stating that a new laptop, part of my scholarship, was waiting for me to pick up once I was on campus. I was so overwhelmed with picking a dorm, and figuring out logistics of moving in that I didn't even think about the letter. It was just one less expense to worry about.

**Lauren POV**

You know when you get everything you ever wanted you either get really cocky or you get paranoid? I was sort of freaking out. Life was too perfect. Things had fallen into place with Jeff so well, my college future was on this certain path, and then it hit me; what if this isn't what I want after all? Jeff and I were great together, and he is everything I had wished for in our time apart, but was that it for me? Game over? UW everything was decided for me. The next four years were like right there – a book already written in like stone, or spraypaint – something really permanent. My life was graffiti .

Call me crazy. Call me spoiled to be the one girl who gets everything she ever asked for and still freaks out, but I found myself Googling colleges with rolling admissions deadlines. There were still a few schools, decent ones that I could get into and go to. But Bu when I went to actually fill them out, my mind turned to Jeff; he was my other half. I couldn't imagine being apart from him for four years, but I couldn't imagine not having any more unknowns in my life, either.

My friends weren't much help. Jessica and I were in our fighting stage, but we weren't like fighting outright. It was a typical silent girl fight, where we would ignore one another. I couldn't help it; she was annoying me, stating how she and Mike were going to be Prom King and Queen. Not that it mattered much; I was so over high school, but still. I mean, really? Mike Newton, Prom King?

Bella wasn't much better. I was jealous that she was going off to New York City to NYU and to have this big adventure. I don't think she had any idea what she was getting into, but considering the way she was earlier in the year, I thought a school like NYU that readily accepts emo people was totally right for her. If she had gone to UW with me and had been in Nu Omega Tau, I know I would have had to like slip Prozac into her food or something to keep her going. It wasn't right for her, but was it right for me?

I should have been able to tell Jeff about freaking out like this. I knew from Cosmos and Glamour magazines – heck, even my mom's Redbooks – that open and honest communication was the key to a strong relationship. It was easier said than done, though. Getting up the courage to blurt all of this inner turmoil to him was a bit tougher than knowing that that was the right thing to do. Part of me just wanted to put it all out there and see if he would run. He hadn't when I had told him about our time apart, but here he was with stars in his eyes thinking about our bright future together. Here I was, but instead of walking on air, I was losing it.

Each day that we talked, it seemed we kept making more and more plans. One spring day in April, I picked up the phone. The weather was finally warmer, and the sun was shining, which in Forks is like a cold day in hell. I took my cell phone and went outside. I sat down on one of the chairs we kept outside.

"Jeff?"

"Hey babes, what's up?"

"We need to talk…" _Shit! I shouldn't have used those words; those were like the kiss of death words._

"Uhhh…" I could hear the panic in his voice as he fumbled to find words of his own.

"Wait, I didn't mean it like that kind of talk. Hear me out. Baby, I'm freaking out. It's like some type of breakdown. It's just that everything is decided for me. I know the rest of my life. It's all been laid out. What if I want to take the path less followed? What if I want to go abroad or not rush a sorority or like join the Peace Corps?"

"Lauren, breathe!" He reminded me. I couldn't tell if he was upset or what.

I stopped. My lips began to quiver as tears started to roll down my cheeks. Here it came, the break-up.

"Baby, if you want to go abroad, then you go. I support you. If you want to go to another school, I'll be sad but I'll come visit you. I left you once and I'm not going anywhere. You've got to start to learn to trust me. I'm not going to hurt you, baby. I will support your decisions in whatever you do. I will visit you or come with you wherever you go. We're a packaged deal now." My heart began to flutter and suddenly I felt awful for not trusting him completely. I wanted to; I really did, but I wasn't there yet.

"It's just; I'm so stressed out, Jeffy. Not about you, it's just the pressure of…"

"Lauren, just because you're given something doesn't mean you have to take it. You don't have to do the sorority if you don't want to, I would love for the two of us to get an apartment and live together, play house - but I don't want to isolate you. I think you would love the sorority thing and I would never want to deprive you of that. You are in for four years of tons of fun. Go through pledging, if you don't like it you can quit, if you don't like UW you can always transfer. Nothing is written in stone."

It wasn't, was it? How did he always know how to talk me off the crazy ledge?

**Bella POV**

There was a problem with my friends. AA four-letter word kept creeping its way into every conversation: Prom. I didn't want to go. After going last year with Edward, I could gladly say that I had no need to go again. I had had no need to go last year, for that matter, but he had wanted me to experience prom, and it was bearable because it was with him.

I hated to even think about last year's prom. Everything about it had been wonderful; Edward had given me the quintessential human experience of prom. Sure, I had hated the dancing and Jake had shown up with his message, but I couldn't even fathom going again. I would probably be a wreck. Sure, Josh would understand, he had even offered to take me, but I couldn't. Prom had been the beginning of our wonderful summer together. When our relationship had appeared to be perfect, at least to me. I thought it had been for him too, but maybe it hadn't been. Prom definitely brought out my fight or flight response, and I had no more energy to fight. No, instead I ran from prom and tried to tune out any mention of it as best as I could.

"Bella, you're going to prom, right?" Jessica asked, looking up from her Diet Coke.

I cleared my throat. "I'm not going to prom. I've already told Mrs. Newton that I would work that night so that she could be there to take pictures of Mike and you," I said, nodding to Jessica. She smiled and looked over at Mike.

"That is so thoughtful of you, Bella. You will still come and help us pick out our dresses, right?"

I shrugged. Shopping was definitely not my thing.

"Bella, are you sure about not going to prom?" Angela looked at me like my dog had just died.

"Yeah, Bells, Josh could come up with Jeff and take you. He told Jeff he'd be happy to do it," Lauren added with a shrug.

"Guys, I talked to Josh already. It's fine, really. Besides, I have to start packing up. I leave for New York almost immediately after graduation." Yes, a place without memories and reminders of my broken heart around every corner; a fresh start.

Lauren spit out her Diet Coke. "Wait, what? You are leaving that soon? What about this summer?"

I bit my lip and looked down at the table. "NYU has a summer program and I can move into the dorms for the year then. It'll be a good way to get acclimated to college life and New York."

Lauren, Angela and Jessica all exchanged looks. "Bella, how are you going to get all the stuff together for your dorm room in such a short amount of time?" Jessica asked.

I hadn't really thought about my dorm room. I was just planning to pack my clothes. "Don't colleges provide all that stuff? I was just going to bring two big suitcases full of clothes."

"Sure, like in the 1960's. Now you need bedding, a computer, a mini-fridge, a microwave, a shower caddy, and like a zillion other things you would never think of. My mom got this huge list and we were planning to work on it throughout the summer. Even though we're moving into the sorority house, Jessica and I need a lot," Lauren informed me.

"She's right. My school sent me a huge packing list along with a listing of clothing that would be deemed inappropriate." Angela looked directly at Lauren when the words inappropriate clothing came out of her mouth.

_How did I not know all of this? Renee wouldn't know this stuff, would she? Charlie wasn't planning to fly out with me. Maybe he should? No, it would be too expensive. Stay calm, Bella. You can do this. Think rationally._

"I'll just have to get stuff there. It's New York City; I'm sure there are stores there where I can buy stuff. I can always bring along a small sleeping bag until I get everything else." _Finally my discount at Newton's would come in handy!_

**Lauren POV**

Prom. Jeff. Prom. It was like déjà vu, but not. The sexual pressure that our relationship had faced two years ago was no longer present. This year prom would be about having fun before, during, and after. Now that the big 'V' was long gone and forgotten.

Angela, Jessica, and I had trekked up to Port Angeles and had gotten great gowns. Of course we had them registered so no one else at Forks who shopped at the same boutique could buy the same dress. Mine was bright yellow, form fitting with lots of rhinestones. Jessica went with a pink halter top that supported her ample boobage. I swear I would kill for her chest. Angela went a bit more conservative with a light blue ball gown.

Bella didn't come with us. I knew what she was doing. I had seen Brett go through something similar with his friends toward the end of their senior year. She was pulling away from us. It was to be expected; sure it pissed me off a little, but I at least realized what she was doing. I mean, if you had told me on the first day of school that I would be such close friends with Isabella Swan, I would have laughed in your face. Despite our – okay, my – best efforts, she wasn't over Edward Cullen. I really thought that after our trip to UW she would have been, but then I had to find that CD. Since then, she's barely managed to hold it together.

I got it though; if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to go to prom either. Last year, I had been so out of control that it didn't matter who I went with; I just had to go. Looking back now, I see how foolish and immature I really had been behaving. I knew I was out of control. Bella was much more resolved with her situation. It appeared that she was just waiting for the rest of her life to begin. I had a good feeling about her going to New York. I think a city like that would be able to provide the distractions she needed to figure out who she really was.

Jeff was a vision in his black and white penguin suit. My parents had invited all the other parents over for wine, cheese, and pictures before we all went to Port Angeles for dinner and then prom. It almost felt silly for us to be going to prom, but it was also a healing experience. We had to make it past prom, since that is where we fell apart last year. My mom and Joan coordinated my corsage and Jeff's boutonniere – yellow roses with baby's breath.

To say the night wasn't magical would be a lie. It was perfect – well, except for Newton being annoying.. Was it really necessary to try to moon other cars as we passed them in our limo or try the whole, 'pardon me, do you have any grey poupon?' I tried not to let him get to me, though I didn't need to because Jeff was there and he rolled his eyes along with me. Like a good friend, I clapped along with everyone else when Newton and Jessica were crowned king and queen. To be perfectly honest, the night sort of whizzed by, Jeff and I spent our time making out and swaying to slow songs and grinding and making out during the fast songs.

The best thing about prom was that it didn't stop being wonderful the next day. Yes, the next day, when we woke up in our hotel room in Port Angeles; Jeff had rented a hotel room, even though we told my parents we were going to an after-prom party at the Newtons, we instead drove to Port Angeles and stayed at a little hotel off the water. We didn't fuck. We didn't have sex. We made love that night. As the sunlight hit my eyes, and Jeff was still spooning me, I realized he wasn't going anywhere. Our relationship was healing; it wouldn't heal overnight, but eventually I would be able to trust him again with my heart.

I barely remember even studying, let alone taking finals. It seemed pretty useless to give graduating seniors finals, but we all muddled through. Graduation was looming and as the yearbooks, caps and gowns were passed out it was evident this was the beginning of the end of high school. I was ready to move on; it was time.

**Bella POV**

Leaving for New York immediately after graduation had seemed like a great idea in theory, but in practice I was losing my mind. Studying for finals, graduation, and the emotional turmoil of leaving Forks and the memories of my time there preoccupied my every moment. I knew I had to get away from my memories, and live my life, but saying goodbye to the life I had made wasn't an easy task.

The day of graduation, I spent the morning packing up my clothes. When Charlie knocked on my door, I looked up from the floor, surrounded by pile of folded clothes.

"Bells, you have a visitor."

I looked up to see an even bigger Jacob Black come walk into my room. Any semblance of being in a good mood today was now gone. Charlie looked at me and then looked at Jacob.

"I'll let you talk. Good luck," he said directly to Jake with a pat on his shoulder as he turned and headed back downstairs.

"Yes?" I asked, crossing my arms across my chest. It was enough; I had had enough of everyone and I hadn't forgiven Jake about that night at the party. Jake crouched down on a bare spot and slowly lowered himself to the ground.

"Bella, my dad told me you were leaving after graduation. I couldn't let you leave town without talking to you, or at least trying to explain. As best as I am allowed to," he said quietly. "Remember when you first came to town and I told you stories about the cold ones when we were on First Beach?"

I nodded my head. It was when I had first started to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Had that only been a little over a year ago? I felt like that was a different lifetime ago, when I had been almost a completely different person.

"Those stories turned out to be true, didn't they?" He looked at me. It was a rhetorical question, but I still nodded as I tried to follow along. "Everything I told you that day turned out to be true. I know it won't change anything. I just, wanted you to know." Jake stared at me intently like he was focusing very hard on staring into my eyes. It was strange, even for him.

"Umm, okay?" I wasn't sure how to respond. I couldn't exactly recall everything he had said, but Jake had been there for me when I had needed him this year.

"Jake, that whole possessive thing you pulled a few weeks ago; don't do that again with women. We aren't property," I replied, shaking my head. "I'm sorry for using you. I know it was wrong and reckless; it's just that I wanted to feel again. It took awhile, but I realized that forcing myself before I was ready and burying my feelings didn't help, but I think time is helping. I realize that now. I am starting to heal, but it has to come from me not from being validated by a relationship with another person. I have to love myself." Jake smirked and I rolled my eyes, slapping him lightly on the arm. _What a pervert!_

"I shouldn't have come here. Sam told me I could but I probably shouldn't… I just had to see – but I guess it's not…" Jake turned his head and mumbled something. He wasn't making any sense.

"No, Jake, I'm glad you came. I'm sorry things went so sour between us, but I want to be friends with you. I can email you from school?"

"I'd like that," he replied, his grin taking up most of his face. We hugged quickly and awkwardly as if our fathers had been there telling us to 'hug it out'.

He left me to my packing and headed back to La Push; it was nice to have that loose end tied up. I wasn't sure when I would be back to Forks, if ever. Charlie claimed he would visit me and save me the memories of having to return here. He understood how a place could hold memories; it was the same reason the house hadn't changed since my mom had left.

My bags were almost full – Renee was shipping a lot of my summer clothing I had left in Phoenix to New York, but I needed my heavier clothes for the fall. I looked over at the desk chair – my skirt and top for graduation were laid out. It wasn't Alice Cullen style fashion but I thought I looked pretty good, as I stood admiring myself in the mirror. I grabbed my cap and gown and padded downstairs.

Charlie was waiting for me, not in his uniform but in a sport coat and tie. His eyes sparkled as he looked at me. "Bella, I wasn't so sure you were going to be here for this when…You've… I know you have tried really hard this year to hold it together. As someone who… Bella, what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you."

I reached out and grabbed my dad, the one man who had never let me down. "Thanks. I love you too," I whispered in his ear.

Angela, who was valedictorian, gave the commencement speech. She spoke about following your heart and not your head. She talked about how you can't let others' expectations of what they think you should be doing shape who you want to be. I had heard her practice the speech at lunch, but listening to it at graduation made it more meaningful. As I looked around, Jessica to my left, since we were lined up alphabetically, I realized how different I felt than the girl who had come to town last January.

As I was called to accept my diploma – it was just a piece of paper; the real diploma would be mailed, I was careful not to trip on the steps leading up to the stage. I shook the hands of the administrators and Mrs. Cope, before turning out to the audience. Charlie smiled back. It would have been nice for Renee to have been there, but it was baseball season and she and Phil were already on the road with promises to visit me this summer.

My cap was released with my classmates' as we were pronounced graduates. The audience began to dissipate and I looked over to see Lauren and Jeff in a very intimate embrace. She gave me hope that true love was out there. Angela came by with Ben; they held hands, and I was more jealous of their relationship than of Lauren and Jeff's. They were comfortable with one another and it seemed there were no secrets between them, only trust.

"Come on, Bella. You have to at least stop by Lauren's house tonight. Please?" Jessica begged. I had an early afternoon flight and had to leave for Seattle early in the morning, but a few hours couldn't hurt.

Even though I was ready to move on, part of me still wanted to hold on to the friends who had helped put me back together. "Jess, how can I say no to you?" I replied, shaking my head as I thought about how they had saved me. Jessica, Angela, and Lauren had taken me under their collective wing and refused to let me fall. As I leaned in to hug Jessica, Angela and Lauren joined in for a group hug.

"We are going to miss you so much, Bella," Angela wept. She had already been crying.

"Bella you had better have space in your dorm room. I'm definitely coming to visit you. Just tell me when and I'll be there," Lauren stated. I knew that if I needed her she would be there for me, but she had so much to look forward to with Jeff back in her life.

"Guys, it's not like there isn't email and like technology," I said, thinking about the amount of time I had spent searching for Edward in cyberspace this year. Of course, I hadn't found him but I knew that these friends would be there.

That night, I stopped by Lauren's house and celebrated with my classmates. Well, all but two. I signed yearbooks for my classmates and tried to ignore the page that said: Alice Cullen – Picture Unavailable and Edward Cullen – Picture Unavailable. Instead, I wrote generic messages on the pages like, "It was great having Spanish class with you. Good luck in college next year, Bella Swan.

After saying another round of goodbyes to Lauren, Jessica, and Angela, I got in my truck and drove back home, for one final night in my room. Surrounded by memories that made my heart ache and my eyes well up with tears, I turned over onto my stomach, burying my face in my pillow and succumbed to another night of dreams filled with the faces that were unavailable for the Forks High School Yearbook.

The next day, my plane was delayed but once I was finally in the air, destination LaGuardia Airport, I knew that the Forks chapter of my life was finally coming to a close; a bittersweet close.

**AN: This is it for Lauren Mallory for now but this is not by any means the end of this story, nor is it the last we will hear from Lauren. Thanks to my Project Team Beta betas for their help. I am so thankful to my readers for sticking with my story. **

**I am going out of the country for a week. I will not be posting again until after March 25. I am bringing a pen and a notebook with me and plan to write while I am away.**


	22. Chapter 22:BlackHard to Live in City

**AN: Thanks to ColoursCollide for pre-reading. Project Team Beta- betas – mac and daniwerner. I own nothing. Of course to my lovely validation beta – SassyGeminiMom . Sorry for the delay real life is kicking my butt.**

_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a sun  
In somebody else's sky, but why  
Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine_

_-Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam_

_Well it's hard to live  
It's hard to live  
in the city_

_-Albert Hammond, Jr_

**Edward POV**

Deviants, miscreants, and vapid, loathsome people –they were all around me, and as horrible as their thoughts were, I was worse. Even when I passed by children playing in Central Park on a cloudy day, I couldn't stop thinking; I was the lowest of the low. Leaving Bella again was another stupid decision in a string of miscalculations. As soon as Alice met me at the airport, I saw in her head the CD. I saw her finding it. I saw her crushed again. Even when I tried to keep her safe, I only managed to hurt her more.

I couldn't be around Alice; her visions kept flashing to Bella and her daily decisions. It was too much for me to bear. We learned this the hard way when I first returned to my family. One Saturday morning, Bella and a man in an intimate position flashed into Alice's mind. I had been so distraught by the image; I had seen images of Bella with other boys before but not like this. She was giving herself to someone else. In my blind rage, I knocked down a wall. The aged plaster crumbled under my touch. I would have destroyed the entire house, but then Alice had another vision: Bella pushing away and crying my name; that vision paralyzed me.

I wasn't sure if she wasn't over me yet. It seemed from Alice's visions that Bella was trying to be with others, but she always came back to me. _What had I done?_ I had thrown her away. I had walked away twice. Needless to say, after that incident, when Alice was in the country home in Connecticut, I was in New York City, and when she was in the city, I was in the country. We talked on the phone, but I couldn't physically be near her… not after that incident.

She called to tell me Bella was going to go to New York University in June. I immediately called the school and made an anonymous donation for her to have a new computer. She had received a full scholarship from the school. As pleased as I was for that, I was also angry it couldn't be me who paid for her education. A computer was the least I could do.

I began to scope out Washington Square and the surrounding areas around NYU. Like most of the city, it smelled like vomit, urine, and human remorse, and as the weather began to warm-up, the odors intensified. One evening I came across a small club with jazz music playing. The soulful tunes drew me in; the thoughts of love lost and regret begged me to stay. Before the end of the night, my fingers graced the ivories of a foreign piano, but instead of playing sweet melodies that reminded me of Bella, they played the blues.

Seeking out jazz clubs became my escape. I could wallow with others who wanted to wallow. I could lose myself in their thoughts and in the music. That was until the day my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID: Alice.

"Hey, Alice."

"She's here."

**Bella POV**

The plane landed, and after retrieving my luggage from the baggage claim, I found myself in a cab headed to the dorm address sent to me. This was my first time in a cab since James attacked me in Phoenix when Edward saved me. I wondered wherever he was, if Edward ever thought of me or if I really had been just a distraction. The CD that had reappeared in my bedroom was carefully packed with my clothes. I couldn't stand leaving it behind in Forks; it was my only proof.

Although it was dark out, the city wasn't dark; there were lights everywhere. It made downtown Seattle or Phoenix look small by comparison. The cab stopped in front of a tall building, and I handed the driver some cash. I was glad Charlie gave me$200 bucks to get started. The cab driver got out and helped me pull my bags from the trunk. I wheeled them through the doors and stopped at the security desk.

After I provided my name and two forms of identification, I was given an envelope with keys, my student identification card, and a schedule for orientation, which started early tomorrow. _Great, jet lag. _I rode the elevator up to the fifteenth floor and found my room. I was in a single that was part of a suite. I opened the door with my key and pushed into the space, looking around. This room was completely bare, so I assumed it must be the mine – the other rooms were lived-in. It was small but did have a window facing a courtyard full of trees. _Hah! There are trees in New York City. Apparently trees don't only grow in Brooklyn! _No one was in the suit, so I quickly brought my stuff in and started unpacking. I called both Renee and Charlie to let them know I had arrived safely. Charlie was relieved to hear everything was okay; Renee didn't pick up, and it went to voicemail.

I didn't realize how crazy orientation was going to be, and I was only in my dorm room to sleep. Since I hadn't brought bedding, I slept in my sleeping bag and rolled up sweatshirt on top of the mattress. I had planned to go shopping for stuff for my room, but there was never any time. We were taken on a tour of the city, and given maps, we got our laptops configured, and were trained on all the NYU computer systems. Oh, and I finally did meet my suitemates. Shoshanna was from Washington, DC and was never around because her boyfriend lived in Brooklyn, and Monique, who _–_ when I saw the name thought she was going to be exotic – was actually a little scary. She had tattoos, several piercings, and always wore black.

It was easy for me to slip back into being a loner – in New York it was always easy to eat at a counter or grab food to go. A few other freshmen seemed friendly, but everyone really stuck to their group, with 'what's your major' being the deciding factor on whether you were part of their clique or not. Shoshanna was majoring in English, and since that was what I declared on my admission forms, she tried to include me when she was around. My love for _Wuthering Heights_ was the pun of many jokes around this group, so I tended to avoid them when I could, even if it meant eating alone.

I didn't feel lonely – I emailed back and forth with my friends from home. It was raining in Forks. _Shocker there!_ They were jealous of the heat wave in New York. Lauren seemed to be having a great summer with Jeff, of course, Angela and Ben were as strong as ever, and as usual, Jessica and Mike were fighting and making up on a daily basis. Jessica had taken over my job at Newton's Outdoors, so working together was an added strain for them. Josh urged me to be more social and get outside my comfort zone, but it was hard for me. I still didn't feel like I fit in.

Even though it was hot and hazy, the afternoon thunderstorms seemed like a daily occurrence. The rain made me a little homesick and reminded me of Edward.

**Alice POV**

Bella was going shopping this weekend. She had decided that. I saw her looking overwhelmed in a store filled with bedding. I had to see her. I couldn't be alone though, and Edward and I weren't exactly on the best terms.

"Esme, do you want to look into getting more bedding for the townhouse? Rose and Emmett are going to rip theirs to shreds tomorrow night after he takes her dancing at the Rainbow Room, so we should probably stock up."

"Oh, of course, dear. When can we go?" Esme responded, always looking for an opportunity to spruce up our homes.

"Saturday. We'll go on Saturday."

I couldn't tell anyone, and I had to avoid Edward – not that it would be difficult; we tended to avoid one another. I made sure Esme and I both hunted on Friday evening. We were finding there were plenty of deer in the immediate Greenwich area, and if we traveled toward the mountains, we could find bigger game.

Esme and I drove into the city; it was raining, as I knew it would be. We parked the car on the street and walked toward the store. It was a well-known furnishings store located in the Flat Iron district. I made sure we were there early because Esme would be like a kid in a candy shop. With multiple floors of furniture, bedding, lighting, even jewelry, this store had everything we needed. As Esme combed through racks of elaborate fabrics, I kept glancing at my watch; she'd be here in an hour.

"Alice, the light blue silk or the chorded bark-colored silk for the duvet in Edward's room?"

It flashed quickly in my head: dark brown bedding, the chorded bark.

"The brown silk will be perfect. Now, Rosalie will wanted pink silk but Emmett wanted an animal print, so why don't we combine the two?"

Esme shook her head and scrunched her nose. Both of our styles were vastly different from Emmett's and Rosalie's. I nervously glanced at my watch, twenty minutes. I had seen Bella walking in the doors and being completely overwhelmed by the bustling first floor before finding the floor with bed linens. I needed to get Esme out of the basement with the fabrics and up to the eighth floor.

"Sheets!" I pretended as if I were having a vision. "We need to check out the sheets. I think we are going to find ones that will match this fabric perfectly!"

Esme had the clerk cut a sample of the brown silk, and we took the elevators upstairs.

**Bella POV**

College was exhausting and classes hadn't even started yet. Orientation was draining, New York City was draining, and trying to be social was draining. Orientation took us all around our campus: New York City. The orientation leaders showed us how to buy Metrocards and use the subway. It was so dark and dirty down there. While waiting for a train and looking down at the tracks, I saw movement and I thought I saw a cat out of the corner of my eye. When I had looked closer, I realized it wasn't a cat, but a giant rat crawling around the tracks. Thinking about it made me shudder. We were shown Times Square, which even at night, was extremely bright and over-stimulating. One night, we even took a cruise around the entire island. By the end of the week I was still overwhelmed with my new. It didn't help that my temporary sleeping arrangements caused my neck to hurt, and I was feeling achy all over.

My dreams had followed me to college, keeping me from sleeping well. They started to change as the week went by. Edward still faced the window, but Alice, instead of reading a magazine, kept looking at a watch and tapping her foot impatiently. I couldn't do anything to get rid of the dreams, but I could at least get proper bedding.

I had meant to get to a store to buy bedding, but there hadn't been any time. On Friday night, using my new laptop that was part of my scholarship, I began to search for nearby bedding stores. I found one, a name I didn't recognize a few blocks north on Broadway, and another one, a national chain on the other side of town. I liked the idea of going to a local store; it seemed like a very New York thing to do, so I decided it would be my first stop.

When I awoke on Saturday to pouring rain, Shoshanna accosted me in the common area and insisted on taking me for my first New York bagel. She led me down to a small bagel restaurant she had heard was good. On the way there, we passed by a pet store, and we both stopped to stare at the adorable creatures in the window.

There was one dog that kept jumping up and down and trying to hump the other dogs. _I missed Jake; he hadn't written me yet. _

"Ugh, they are all from puppy mills, those poor animals," Shoshanna huffed. _Moment of zen officially over. _

She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bagel shop. There were a few tables in a corner. I ordered a raisin bagel with raisin walnut cream cheese, but they called it _schmear_. Shoshanna freaked out when they told her they don't toast bagels.

"How can they not toast bagels? A bagel is supposed to be toasted. I don't get it." She still it, though. It was good – much better and bigger than the frozen bagels I had bought at the grocery store.

"Shoshanna, I should get going. I have to get bedding and stuff for my room." I didn't want to elaborate more; I didn't want company.

"Have a good day, Bella. I think a bunch of us may be going out tonight to like a bar or something where they don't card. You can come if you want." She shrugged her shoulders, and I was unsure of how authentic her invitation was.

I left my suitemate and made my way to the home store I had found on the internet. While I walked, trying to avoid puddles, I kept feeling like I was being followed, but when I would turn around, there were always different people behind me.

Making my way through the revolving door, which was very popular in New York, I was inundated by millions of colors of home accessories. _Bedding. Must get bedding to fit an extra long bed._ Looking around, I finally found a store directory. Twelve floors with everything from fabric, and carpeting, to lighting, and furniture was available here. _Ah, yes, bedding – eighth floor_.

The elevator was crowded with other shoppers, and I began to feel claustrophobic as I stood wedged in a corner. At each floor people emptied out of the elevator until it finally reached the eighth floor. Walking out of the closed-in space, I was surrounded by beautiful and elaborate bedding displays. _Of course, I had picked wrong. I could never afford any of this. _I glanced back at the elevator bank; I really didn't want to get back inside. _Maybe they had a sale section in the back._

I meandered around the floor looking at overpriced linens in search of something within my price range. I was ready to head back downstairs when I heard that voice and froze.

**Alice POV**

"Esme, should we go for 500 thread count or 1000 thread count sheets?" I smiled. In the distance, I heard the elevator chime and the doors open. She was here. I looked up at my mother figure. Esme began to take in deep whiffs of air. As Bella came closer, Esme's eyes grew larger.

"Alice!" she hissed quietly, dragging me behind a display.

"Surprise! Guess who's in town? Esme, she's going to find us. My visions haven't changed much. They all end up with her like us."

I peered around the display as I saw a saleslady approach Bella. "May I help you with anything?" she asked snidely.

Bella looked down at her feet and then looked around. "I'm just looking, thanks," she replied meekly.

The saleslady walked away as Bella continued to glance around. She looked lost and broken. We were the reason she was like this. We were to blame. All of us.

"I can't sit here and hide like a coward, Alice. She's my daughter and she's hurting."

I saw Esme approaching her and Bella fainting onto a bed. When she came to she would be relieved to see us. At least that's what the vision showed.

As I snapped out of my vision, I realized Esme was acting without even consulting me. I stayed hidden as she came around quietly and tapped Bella from behind.

"Looking for bedding is much easier if you have a mother or mother-like figure with you," she said softly as Bella turned around.

"Esme, she's going to…" I was too late as Bella started to go down. Esme, with vampire reflexes, reached out and caught her.

Quickly, I joined Esme's side. "Here, place her on this bed." I was glad we had picked a store with beds everywhere. At least she had a comfortable place to rest her unconscious form.

"Three minutes."

**Bella POV**

_It couldn't be. It couldn't be. I wanted it to be true. It scared me but thrilled me at the same time. New York City. They weren't supposed to be here. This was supposed to be my fresh start. I couldn't believe it. The voice was definitely Esme_, _and where Esme was so was Carlisle and the rest of the Cullen family. At least, I hoped it was the rest of the family. Was he here? How could I face him? How could I face them? He had said he didn't want me anymore. Yet, he had come back. He had returned the CD? _

There was only one way to find out if I was dreaming or if this was real, but I was scared at what I would find.

"Bella, open your eyes."

I knew that voice. Alice. My best friend.

My eyes fluttered open and I looked up. There they were – Esme and Alice.

"I needed bedding," I croaked softly. I wasn't sure if this was some strange dream. Perhaps I hit my head.

"We can help you with that, dear," Esme replied, gently caressing my forehead.

I sat up on the bed. _How did I get here? _Alice put her cold hand on my leg. My heart sung at the comfort of the coldness in her touch.

"We need you. All of us," Alice said softly.

**AN: I came home from vacation to lots of schoolwork and a new job. I will try to update as quickly as I can.**


	23. Chapter 23: When I Call Your Name

**AN: Thanks to the ladies of PTB, Poo235,ColoursCollide for reading and beta'ing. **

_You never said, you never said, you never said that it would be this hard__  
__Love is meant to be forever, now or never seems to discard__  
__There's got to be a better way for me to say what's on my heart without leaving scars__  
__So can you hear me when I call your name?___

_When you fall apart, am I the reason for your endless sorrow?__  
__There's so much to be said__  
__With a broken heart, your walls can only go down but so low__  
__But can you hear me when I call your name?__  
__When I call your name_

_-Daughtry_

**Bella POV**

I reluctantly allowed Alice and Esme to support me as we walked out of the store and out to their car that was parked on the street. My legs didn't want to support my weight as my mind tried to wrap itself around the thought that they were here… in New York City. Was he? I tried not to let my mind wander to think about him, but it kept deceiving me.

"Come on, we'll take you back to our place where you can rest," Alice said. The chill of her skin was a welcome comfort to me. _Why now? Why after emailing me and then stopping was she back in my life now?_

Alice joined me in the backseat as Esme drove the Mercedes uptown.

"What are you doing here? Why New York City? What about hunting?" I asked, confused. I was avoiding asking about him. I wanted to ask where he was but I couldn't. I wanted to ask why she had emailed me but then stopped.

"We have a place in the country too. There is plenty of hunting in the nearby mountains. You'd be surprised. Oh, and I'm taking classes at Fashion Institute of Technology. It's been great. Plus, Esme and I have been quite busy decorating the two homes. You'll have to come out to the country sometime. The house is gorgeous. Besides, no one stays in the city on the weekends," Alice said, bouncing up and down in her seat.

Alice continued talking. "Oh, Jasper is doing fine being so close to humans. The smells that emanate from this city are enough to deter all of us. Blech!"

I laughed at the face she made – I had forgotten how animated Alice could be.

We pulled into an underground garage next to a townhouse. It was quite different from midtown and the downtown areas I had already explored. I was quickly pulled inside the townhouse. It was grand but yet still had a warm feeling, similar to their home in Forks.

"Well, this is our home away from home. Please, Bella, make yourself at home. Take off your shoes if you want," Esme instructed. "I'll let you two catch up." She looked over at Alice and nodded, leaving us alone in the entranceway.

I felt out of place and overwhelmed. _I should leave. I don't belong in this life with them. They are just being nice. I have intruded on their day. _

"You are not going anywhere, missy," Alice barked. "Upstairs – come on!" She grabbed my hand a little too hard and pulled me up the steps.

She led me to a room that had a large bed with a white duvet. The walls were a non-descript beige. There were built-in bookshelves lining the walls, but they were bare. _It's his room. It has to be. Alice would never live in a place so plain. That's odd; he never had a bed before. _

"Sit down. Don't worry, he's not here." Alice took a seat next to me on the bed.

I bit down on my lip. How'd she know_? It's Alice. She always knows. _

"We have an agreement. When I'm in the city, he goes out to the country and vice versa. It's just that after we left Forks, Edward left for a while. That is when I emailed you, but I stopped when he came back. I thought it wasn't fair to him to be thinking about you all of the time. Though, not emailing you didn't stop the visions. I still saw into your life, whether he wanted me to or not and whether he wanted me to or not and even I tried to stop. They kept coming and seeing what was in my head was rough on him."

What did she mean? What visions could bother him that much? He had been clear with me – he didn't love me and he left. Right?

"Alice, what do you mean?"

"They were about you and your life. He couldn't handle seeing them. Esme couldn't handle the physical damage he caused to our homes when he saw them. Jasper couldn't deal with the pain he emoted when he saw them. It was just better for everyone if we weren't in the same place. I should have started to email you again, but being split as a family was rough on everyone. I figured I would just buy some time until our paths crossed again, and look, they did."

Of course, the fate Alice had written about in her emails. Alice had seen I was going to go to school on the east coast. She knew our paths would cross. Her emails did make sense.As much as I wanted to be mad at her, knowing I wasn't alone in the city was comforting. I just didn't know how long I would have my friend around, and one thing she said confused me – Edward's reactions to her visions of me.

"Alice, why would your visions of me upset him? I don't understand. He told me he didn't love me anymore. He didn't want me anymore. Isn't that why you all left?" I put his words out there and hoped Alice could explain it further. She hadn't in her emails.

Alice looked at me. Her mouth dropped open. "He said what? Will you excuse me for one moment?" She left too quickly for me to even respond.

**Alice POV**

Edward had never elaborated on what he had told Bella. I had always surmised that he had told her he needed to give her a chance at a human life, but had he lied to her like that? How could he? No wonder he asked her not to do anything stupid or reckless. No wonder she had. I quickly travelled down the steps before finding my purse in the hallway.

I dialed his number, and he picked up after several rings.

"What?"

"You lied to her. How could you lie to her?" I didn't wait for him to respond. "She's here in the house, in the city, in your room. She's sitting on your bed. Right now."

"Alice… She's…"

"Yes, she is. If you know what is good for you, you'll be here soon. She deserves an apology, Edward. You owe her that much. I still see it, Edward. Though, now it's not as clear."

"How can I face her?"

"You must and you do. You have to."

**Edward POV**

Alice's call shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. Part of me was expecting it, but not this soon. She had been in New York for only a week. Okay, six days, eleven hours, forty-four minutes and thirty-six, thirty-seven seconds.

I raced to my Maserati, and as I gunned the engine, I turned on the AM station, hoping to hear a traffic report. Traffic around the tri-state was nothing if not completely unpredictable. Even at off times, traffic jams could spring up out of nowhere and not even vampires were immune to them.

As I wove my car through the traffic on I-95, I was careful of the brake lights glowing ahead of me. _Humans can barely drive in good weather, but rainy days are even worse. _The keen vampire vision I had helped me to anticipate delays. I couldn't keep my mind off of Bella being in the townhouse.

How could I apologize to her? What would I say? _Hi, Bella, sorry about taking your heart and stomping on it, but I lied. I do still love you. I never stopped. No, Bella, I want to be with you forever or at least as long as you will have me in your life. _

No. The words just couldn't come to me. I went over and over them in my mind, but nothing fit. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything? Maybe she was living a normal life. Alice did say that her vision of Bella in the future wasn't as clear. She could have changed her mind and didn't want me or my life anymore. Perhaps she could never forgive me for what I did to her. I was a bastard.

Crossing over the Triborough Bridge, I thought about turning around and dealing with whatever wrath Alice unleashed upon me later, but I knew, like always, Alice was right. I owed Bella an apology. A tiny piece of me hoped she had taken my advice and moved on with her life. However, most of me hoped she longed for me as I longed for her. I felt guilty for feeling that way. I just didn't know how we would ever make this work. I turned off the bridge and headed south on the Grand Central Parkway. Only a few more exits…

**Bella POV**

Alice was only gone for a few minutes. I wondered where she had gone. Had she gone to tell Esme what I had said? Part of me secretly hoped she had called Edward. I wanted to see him; well, part of me did. The other part of me was scared to death of seeing him. _Hah! _What if I had built him up in memories? _He said he didn't love you. He didn't want you. But what if…_ I argued with myself in my head.

Alice bounced back into the room and sat next to me on the bed. "So, tell me everything about your senior year. I want to hear everything. Catch me up"

I started by telling her about how Edward left me in the woods and how Sam Uley found me in shock. I had remained in that state for a week. My mom had come and had wanted me to go back to Jacksonville with her. After a week at home, I had returned to school hoping to fade into the background, but then something unexpected had happened. Instead of ignoring me and letting me wallow, Angela, Jessica, and most surprisingly, Lauren Mallory had rallied around me.

I explained to Alice how Lauren had gone through a similar break-up with her boyfriend and she really sympathized with me. "Lauren had this philosophy. She believes – well, at least then she did – that to get over one guy you had to get under another."

I then talked about how Jeff, Lauren's ex, had come back into her life and she later regretted taking such a philosophy and bestowing it on me as well, though by then it was too late.

"Alice, my heart can't stop hurting. It feels like pieces of me are missing. I went through the motions. I hoped that every kiss, every touch, every caress…"

"Well, that would explain some of my visions!" Alice interjected

I laughed through the tears streaming down my face. "…from another man would make it go away, but it didn't. It only grew worse. Alice, I kept trying to do what Lauren said. There were several guys I got close to. Some were really nice and others were real jerks. Every time I got close to one of them I couldn't help but compare them to Edward. I actually would rub ice cubes on my lips because the chill reminded me of him. You must think I am pretty pathetic?"

"Why would I think that?" Alice reached out and embraced me.

"Because here I am, the dumpee, talking to the sister of the dumper, who is probably moving on with his life," I cried into her shoulder.

I looked up at Alice and saw her smirking. "You know that isn't true. Edward is miserable and moody as ever. Enough about him, tell me about some of these guys. Even if I am Edward's sister, you can trust me."

"You really want to hear about them?"

Her smirk turned to a smile. "Yes, please do tell. I miss girl talk."

I started telling Alice about my experience with Jason. I told her about our date and how he had driven an old beaten up Volvo station wagon. Next, I spoke about Jake and told her how we had started as friends, but he seemed to coax me into being more. For brief moments when I was with him, he made me feel wanted and that was something I missed. Finally, I told her about Josh and how he looked very much like Edward, or at least I thought he did at first. He seemed to just get me. He would rescue me from crowded parties, was patient with me when we were physical, and never pushed me sexually.

"Sexually?"

"Alice!"

"Oh, come on, Bella, tell me the horny details."

"Well, technically, you could say we had sex."

**Edward POV**

I listened at the door to the room that had been deemed my bedroom.

"Well, technically, you could say we had sex."

A low growl escaped from my mouth, as I listened into the conversation and read Alice's thoughts on it. _Hi, Edward. Don't come in yet, and yes, you have to hear this._

"What do you mean technically? Tell me what happened." Alice asked mostly for my benefit.

Bella hesitated but finally relented. "We had been at this party. Gee, it was only a few weeks ago, and of course I was miserable, so Josh found a quiet area away from everyone else and we were making out. Well, Jake found us and became very possessive of me. It was infuriating how he thought that he owned me and that if he told me to go with him I should. It was like he didn't think I was capable of making up my own mind."

Bella's words hit me hard, but my emotions were split between regret and anger. Jake wasn't supposed to be around Bella. Sam had promised me he would keep the young wolf away from her.

"After we left the party, I wanted to feel in control of something in my life. So, when Josh and I started making out, I let him, or rather, I started to, but I stopped. He was barely inside of me and all I could think about was how it wasn't Edward, and I pushed him away. The crazy thing was that he didn't run away from me. He comforted me and understood how wounded I was. I am still."

I wanted to kill Josh for being with her, but his actions afterward were commendable. I had heard the thoughts of most young men, and most would have kept going or done something to retaliate. He hadn't. She couldn't because of me. She still loved me, but would she forgive me?

"Bella, what do you want?" I heard Alice ask her.

"Edward," my love whispered.

_Edward, I am comforting her right now. _I saw Bella enveloped in Alice's arms, her back to the door. _Slowly come in and take my spot._

**Bella POV**

Admitting to Alice, but more importantly to myself, that I still wanted Edward was terrifying. My heart knew what it needed and my body streamed out the tears of relief with my confession. Alice held me and let me have this much needed release.

I sensed it with my body. Something was different. The arms around me tightened and I looked up, expecting to find Alice, but instead came face to face with Edward. _Sneaky vampires! _

I smiled. This couldn't be happening. I was losing my mind.

"Alice, I think I am seeing things. You look and feel and smell just like Edward."

One of his hands released and caressed my face. "Bella, that's because _I am_ Edward. I've forgotten how frustrating it is to hold you and not read your thoughts."

He sounded like Edward. I looked more closely at his face – my mind hadn't exaggerated; he was beautiful. Unconsciously, I reached out and traced the lines of his face with my hand. It was cool to the touch just as I remembered.

"You, you're here? Why?"

He looked at me but didn't respond. His lack of words worried me. Why was he holding me if he didn't want me?

"Are you happy?"

I pushed myself away from him and slid so that there was more distance between us on the bed. _He's kidding, right? He left me heartbroken and now he's asking ifI'm happy? _I laughed nervously out loud.

"You are asking me if I'm happy? That's rich. Am I happy? In this moment seeing you, yes, I'm happy, but I'm also scared and anxious. Was I happy when you left Forks? Well, I could lie to you and tell you that I've moved on with my life and my heart doesn't hurt every second of the day. I could tell you that I feel like I am a whole person all the time. Is that what you want to hear?"

He turned his head away. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was giving you a chance at a normal life."

I snorted slightly. "My life stopped being normal as soon as I sat down next to you at the lab table in Biology class."

"I thought without me you wouldn't want to give up your chance at a future. I thought you would forget. I hoped you would forget."

"You were always there, Edward. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I tried. I tried so hard to move on, but it always came back to you. I remember what you said, that you didn't love me and didn't want me. I'm sorry to intrude on your life like this. I'll just get my things and go." I stood up to leave, but he put his hand on my thigh.

"No, let me explain. I lied. I lied to you. I knew you wouldn't let me go, so I lied to you. I thought I was doing what was best for you, but I was wrong. I never stopped loving you." He looked at me, his eyes pleading.

_What was best for me? Why did everyone always think they knew what was best for me? _I wanted to forgive him and let it go, but I couldn't. He had broken me. He had lied. He had broken his promise_. _The walls felt like they were closing in on me as I thought more and more about what he had done. I couldn't believe all that time I had been hurting, he had lied, and yet he still loved me. He never stopped.All of those moments when I was kissing and fooling around with other guys, trying to get over him, he was loving me. _If he was loving you, why'd he ever leave in the first place?_

"Bella. Bella!"

I was startled at the sound of my name rolling off of his lips. I had dreamt about my name rolling off of those lips for so long. I realized I had been lost in my thoughts for several minutes.

"I don't know. I can't do this. I was supposed to be getting bedding today."

I needed to think and process everything he had said. _He never stopped loving me. He had lied. He wanted me to live a normal life. _

"Don't leave," he pleaded. He sounded defeated. My head was spinning with thoughts. I knew if I stayed the magnetic pull would lead me back to him. I needed to think about this. I had just wrapped my head around seeing Alice and Esme. Seeing Edward was an entirely different animal.

"I'm very overwhelmed and need to process this. Give me time, please." My legs shook as I took a few steps to the door.

Reaching the door, I paused, but couldn't turn around and look at him. Alice was waiting for me in the hallway. She had with her several large shopping bags stuffed with bedding.

"Purple? I saw that you needed bedding?"

_Purple again?_

"Thanks, I just want to go home." Home. I was a nomad right now, a person without a home. I immediately thought of my room in Forks. Then I thought of Edward in my rocking chair every morning and lying in bed with me every night. Forks was my home. My dorm really wasn't my home, but I guessed now it was.

Alice borrowed Esme's Mercedes and drove me back downtown. She offered to come inside and assist me with my bedding. She had done enough. I wouldn't normally even accept such an expensive and elaborate gift, but Edward had taken all my energy and I was too exhausted to protest.

The bags were extremely heavy, and I dragged them down the hall. When I finally reached my room, which was humid from the combination of heat and moisture outside, I popped open my window and collapsed into my makeshift sleeping bag bed.

_Can I forgive him? Can I just let him back in? Do I still want to be a vampire? Will he even consider allowing me to be part of his world if I do? _There was only one person I knew of who had successfully given her first love a second chance and she was the only person I thought of who would know how to help: Lauren Mallory.

**AN: I am putting myself up for auction for Fandom Gives Back Eclipse edition. It is a great way to help out a wonderful cause. Working on the next chapter and will update as soon as I can.**

**When I Call Your Name – Lyrics by Joey Barnes & Chris Daughtry**

**Let me know your thoughts and you can follow me on twitter: stupidreader.**


	24. Chapter 24: Let You Down

**AN: Thanks to JadedandBoring, FanpireMama, Poo235, and ColorsCollide for all of their help. It takes a village. I don't own squat. Thank you to everyone who has continued to read this story. The end is near. Probably 5-6 more chapters.**

_I let you down_  
_Let me pick you up_  
_I let you down_  
_Let me climb up you to the top_  
_So I can see the view from up there_  
_Tangled in your hair_

_I let you down_  
_I have no lid upon my head_  
_But if I did_  
_You could look inside and see_  
_What's on my mind_  
_I let you down_  
_oh, forgive me_

_I let you down_  
_How could I be such a fool like me?_  
_I let you down_  
_Tail between my legs_  
_I'm a puppy for your love_  
_I'm a puppy for your love_

_-Dave Matthews Band_

**Lauren POV**

Summer in Forks was so lame. Everything was getting old – driving to Port Angeles, Jessica Stanley, and my utter lack of a tan. The only thing saving my summer from turning into a complete suck-fest was Jeff. Sure things weren't a fucking fairytale, but really, what was? I was never going to let my kids watch those princess movies that corrupted us into thinking we had to be rescued. We could rescue ourselves! Did I mention I was reading up a lot of feminist literature?

I had been laying out on one of the few sunny days we had seen all summer. Luckily, I had worked for my parents, and they didn't care what I did, since paying me was a big tax write-off for them. I was about to take off my top and to avoid tan lines when my cell phone rang.

"Holy shit!" I looked at the caller ID before picking it up. "How's it going in New York? Have you found Central Perk yet?"

"No, not yet. You wouldn't believe what I did find or rather who?"

"Oh em gee. You ran into Carrie Bradshaw!"

"Lauren, she's fictional. I, umm… Edward. I ran into Edward and Alice Cullen."

"Edward's going to NYU? Wow. I guess it was the right school for you. How'd it go? Is he super tan from living in LA?"

"No, but… Lauren, it's Edward. He was the last person I thought I would ever see again, ever. When he left I thought that was it."

"Bella, in this day and age of technology, you can find anything or anyone. I cyberstalked Jeff the entire time we were apart. I can say that now that we are back together 'cause it's moot. Didn't you look Edward up?"

"I tried. I couldn't find anything. So, I never thought I'd see him again. It's crazy right? For him to be back in my life. He hurt me and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. How did you do it? How'd did you get over all the hurt that Jeff caused you? How did you get past that to trust him again?"

"Whoa. Whoa. Okay. Hold the phone, let me get this straight, he wants you back? Holy fucktwat. It doesn't happen overnight. I am now at the point where I'm finally able to trust Jeffy completely. Bella, he really fucked you up. I mean really fucked you up and he is just going to waltz back into your life and you are just going to hand your whole life over to him again?"

"Well, he apologized, but it doesn't make everything magically better. He lied to me before he left, and as much as I want to stay angry at him and brush him off, I felt so whole when I was with him."

"Have you made any friends besides Edward at NYU?"

Bella paused for a few moments. "I had breakfast with my roommate. People here are really cliquish. I don't fit in."

"Nuh-uh. Not a good enough excuse. Didn't you watch _Grease_? You have to change if you want to be accepted. Wait, that is probably not the best advice, but you do need a life outside of Edward." As much as I love the move _Grease_, the fact that Sandy altered herself completely to get the guy always sort of bugged me.

"You do?"

I rolled my eyes, sometimes Bella was a total pod person. It practically killed me how she could barely relate to anyone. She was totally bizarre at times.

"Of course! Okay, I think you should see how things go with Edward. Most people rarely get a second chance at their first love. It's not normal – Jeff and I are the exception not the rule, but… and this is a very big deal, but you need to make other friends. Last time you and Edward were all hot and heavy, you barely acknowledged anyone outside of the Cullen clan. You need to find a balance." I felt like a less green version of Yoda, spouting all of this advice.

"Balance is good. Lauren, as always, you know just what to say."

"I try. I just can't get over that Edward is at NYU. I mean, how odd. It was the one school that gave you the most amazing scholarship package and everything and wham there he is. It's not weird. It's just serendipitous, you know?"

"Uh huh."

Poor Bella. I never thought this would happen. Though it did for me but I always thought I was special. _Oh yeah, I should tell Bella that._ "Bella, I saw your friend Jake and a few of his friends at the beach a few days ago."

"How is he doing?"

"Good, I think. Though what is up with him and all of his friends wearing jorts?"

"Jorts?"

Bella was so clueless. "Jean shorts. They are so tacky and lame. Though guys in jorts without shirts isn't bad, especially those boys."

"Uh-huh." She wasn't paying any attention to me. It was like old times already – Edward was around and it was all she could think about.

"Well, Bella, you do have a lot to think about. Email me and tell me how everything goes okay? I miss you."

"Thanks, Lauren. Bye."

"Laters."

**Edward POV**

I reluctantly knocked on the door. I could have climbed through the window, but I didn't want to surprise her. She probably hated me. I deserved whatever I had coming.

Instead, I snuck past security and made my way up to her room. Alice had told me where to go, even though I could smell her. Although Alice had given me directions, she had blocked what she saw was going to happen, which worried me, but I had to see her again. Thankfully, Alice had at least reveled that she would let me in. I wasn't sure if Bella would let me back into her life, but I had to try. I had to talk to her.

"One minute," the voice on the other side of the door called.

Bella opened the door and looked at me and the package I was carrying. Her eyes were red and her face looked raw from tears. I hated myself for causing her those tears. How many tears had she cried over me? I wasn't worth it, but for some reason she felt I was deserving of them.

"Alice saw that you were hungry," I said, holding up the white plastic bag. "Mushroom ravioli."

The corners of her mouth turned ever so slightly upward. "That night in Port Angeles, you remembered. Of course, you remembered. You're you." She shrugged and turned back to look at her room before turning back toward me. "Thanks for the food. Uh, do you want to come in? It's not much. I was too tired to put out the stuff that Alice got me." She pointed to the bags that were taking up the majority of space in her little room. I inhaled her sweet scent and let it fill my lungs. It surrounded me, but I didn't feel any bloodlust. I felt an aching in my chest. _Please Bella._

"I could help you with that while you eat?" I offered. I realized I could be overstepping any delicate boundaries. "If it would help you out."

"You don't have to."

"I want to. Maybe we could try to talk?" I held up the bag of food like it was a ring on a carousel.

She paused for a second. I wished for the millionth time that I could read her thoughts. She plucked the bag out of my hands. "Alice was right; I am hungry."

I followed her into the room, closing the door behind me. Bella placed the food on her desk and sat down in the desk chair. Watching her move, she had changed slightly. She had filled out a little bit maybe even put on some weight, but it looked good on her. She was more woman than girl.

It wasn't a big room at all, and by sitting in the chair she was as far out of my way as she could be. Alice's purchases weren't hard to miss. When it came to shopping, my sister always seemed to go overboard. I started with the bedding; it required no effort to unpack the soft sheets and put them on the bed while still watching Bella eat. She eyed me with each bite. _Is she going to say anything to me? She looks like she wants to say something to me. Maybe I should say something first? I could ask her about the weather. No, why is this so difficult?_

"Did you arrange for me to get into NYU?" she blurted out, putting her fork down and turning toward me.

"What! Why would you say something like that?"

"Edward! Tell me the truth." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. She knew me too well.

"No, we didn't get you in. That was all you, but Alice did see where you were applying. I had asked her not to look into your future, but sometimes it just happened. When she saw where you were applying, I was ecstatic that you were looking at schools along the east coast. I figured I could watch you from afar, but when you ended up getting in here… Well, I wanted to make sure you chose NYU, so I did donate money for your scholarship." I couldn't lie to her anymore. We were here because of my lies. _Would she hate me even more?_

She looked over at her computer. I spent several nights researching and figuring out what would be the best technology for her studies.

"The computer?"

"That was me. I've always wanted the best for you." My words lingered in the air.

"The best for me?" She snorted. "That's why you left me? You lied and left me, because you thought it was best for me and you think getting me some expensive computer would make up for it?" Her voice cracked a bit as she recanted our earlier conversation. _Please don't cry. _"Ughh!" She ran her fingers through hair. The faint scent of her strawberry shampoo wafted through the air. "How could you? How could you assert yourself in my life like that? How did you think you could watch me for my whole life? Anonymously give me lavish gifts when I needed something? Didn't what I want ever matter to you? What about me?"

"I had to give you a shot. You deserved a chance at a normal life: college, a career, marriage, babies, grandbabies. I didn't want you to miss out on anything. I figured I would watch from the sidelines."

"You assumed that I could. You assumed that I wanted all of those things. You assumed that was the plan. That's the whole problem, Edward. You assumed." Her words stung. She was right. I had assumed. I had assumed she would forget me and she hadn't. She would have never let me go and it was what was best for her. Wasn't it?

"Isn't that what happens for most humans? I hear their thoughts. Rosalie, Esme, even Alice regret not having children. You deserved to have the whole world and I couldn't give it to you."

She didn't say anything, but stared at her feet.

**Bella POV**

What could I say to him? He had to know. Would it make a difference? I couldn't look at him. I looked at my laptop. For a brief moment, I considered throwing it at him or on the ground or even out the window. It would be stupid of me, despite who gave it to me to be so reckless with such a valuable item. Knowing he gave it to me, I wouldn't be able to use it without thinking of him, but deep down I knew the computer was like him – I needed it.

"I can't have kids." I mumbled quietly. I knew he could hear me. When I had been told this by the doctor last year, it hadn't bothered me that much, but now, knowing that he had left me to give me something, it stung.

In a blink of an eye, his long fingers were stroking my arm, soothing me. "You can't." He repeated. I had missed his cold touch.

I shook my head. "Scar tissue. It'd be next to impossible, but the thing is I never saw myself being a mother, anyways. Now that it isn't a possibility, it's not something I really mourn. I've raised my mother and that was exhausting." I placed my hand on my useless womb. I'm sure there are fertility doctors who could help resolve this issue, but would I trade a child for the love of my life? I would – in a heartbeat.

"I'm sure there are doctors who could help. I could call Carlisle, he must know of someone."

I shook my head. "I don't want that. I never saw that for myself."

"What'd you see yourself as in the future?" he asked, not pulling away. I couldn't believe it; for once someone was asking me what I wanted? I nervously chewed on my bottom lip.

"I wasn't sure. I'm so confused right now. Even in school – I'm undecided. I always thought you were my future and then you left and that option was gone. Now you are back in my life. I mean, you are here, at least . I don't know what I want. Ever since you left nothing has felt right."

"I'm back now."

"Sure, you are here now, but for how long? How can I trust you? You lied. You left me alone." I brushed his hand away.

"Love, I could say I was sorry until the end of time, but I want to make amends, I'm here if you want me, if you'll have me." He reached out and touched my arm again.

Knowing he was nearby and not in my life pained me more than not knowing where he was. I knew I wanted him in my life. I couldn't just flip a switch and turn us back to the people and relationship we had before he left, but I couldn't, not love him. I knew he was around so the idea of pushing him out of my dorm room and never thinking about him again would never work.

My head and my heart were in full-on battle and I had to say something to appease them both. "My heart can't lie. I want you, but I don't trust you. I want to try…" I looked up at him to see his golden eyes sparkle.

Edward stared at me like I had given him a puppy for his birthday or maybe a mountain lion during a hunt. I "I will work around the clock to gain back your trust." I believed him. I had to.

We spent the next hour or so sitting across from one another. I wish I could say that the conversation flowed naturally, but it didn't. There was too much left unsaid between both of us. So, instead of talking about our feelings, I went through most of the senior class at Forks High School explaining all of the gossip and news about each and everyone. I knew Edward didn't care, but I wasn't ready to talk about anything more serious, at least not yet.

"Wow, Bella, I knew about Mike's cross-dressing, but I can't believe Jessica took him back after how upset she was after she found him in her panties." He feigned interest.

_Did Edward just say panties? _I giggled.

"Did you just giggle, love?"

My heart fluttered a little bit every time he called me love. "I did. You said panties. You have never mentioned unmentionables before. You've always been so gentlemanly." _I'm surely not a lady._

"Don't you deserve that, Bella? A gentleman?"

I wrung my hands together. I wasn't ready to have this conversation, but I figured to approach it like ripping off a bandage. "That's the thing; I'm not the same girl you left in the woods. Things happened when you were away. Things I'm not too proud of Edward, but you should know them if we are going to be friends or…"

Before I could finish there was a knock at my door. "Come in!" I called out.

Shoshanna popped her head into my room and looked at Edward sitting on my bed and then at me sitting across from him.

"Oh! I didn't realize you had company." She looked at Edward and raised an eyebrow. "I'm Shoshanna, and you are?"

I answered for Edward before he could. Even though Shoshanna had a boyfriend, I didn't like the way she was looking at Edward. "This is my old friend, Edward. We ran into one another. Edward, this is my suitemate Shoshanna."

"It's nice to meet you, Edward. My boyfriend and his friends are having a party in Brooklyn. I was stopping by to see if Bella wanted to go. Edward, you are welcome too."

I looked over at Edward who shrugged and looked at me. I couldn't imagine Edward at a party. Though a distraction from this conversation might be a good respite from this intensity, but I sort of wanted to get it over with. If he was going to run from me again, I'd prefer he do it now.

"Shoshanna, it's a pleasure to meet you, but I think we are going to stay in and catch up if that is what Bella wants. Bella, is that what you want to do?"

"Yeah, we have a lot of catching up to do. Another time?" I really need to be more social and I can't let my life become centered on the Cullens again, thinking of Lauren's advice.

"Well, Edward I hope I see you around." Shoshanna raised an eyebrow at me and smiled.

"I hope to be around for you to see. Have a good night," Edward replied.

"Bella, you have my cell if you change your mind." Shoshanna reminded me as she closed the door to my room.

We were alone again shrouded in awkwardness.

"I would have gone if you wanted to go." Edward insisted.

"I didn't want to go. I'm not one for parties and such. Alcohol and I aren't the best of friends, which brings me back to what we were talking about…"

"I lied to you. Nothing you did when I left under such false pretenses could ever be that bad and it's not important – I left you in the worst kind of way and it's inexcusable. I don't care what you did or what happened. I care about our future."

_What would Lauren Mallory do? She'd test him. What's the most horrific thing I can imagine doing? Should I really be acting like Lauren? Lauren does have the love of her life back and wrapped around her finger._ I didn't have to think hard, I thought about the things I had witnessed and heard Lauren had done. Would Edward believe me? "I had sex with two guys at the same time!"

Edward's mouth dropped and he gripped the metal frame of the bed. It took a few moments for him to regain his composure. "That sounds complicated. Did you enjoy yourself?"

I felt my face grow hot and I knew I was blushing. "Oh, yeah, but I felt like one of those Chinese finger traps!"

Edward eyed me suspiciously. I felt my cheeks grow pink, and with my blush he realized I wasn't telling the truth. He let go of the bed and I glanced down to see that the frame has finger dents in it. "Bella, if that really did occur, I hope you used protection, but it doesn't seem like something you'd do, Did you really change that much?"

"Okay, fine, I didn't sleep with two guys, but I'm not the sweet innocent Bella you left…"

"It's okay. We can leave it at that. I've told you it's the past. You were entitled to act however you did. I just don't think your bed frame could handle it if you went into any more details."

"So, you aren't going to leave me?"

"No."

I scrunched my nose and narrowed my eyes. "If I asked you to turn me into a vampire right now, what would you say?"

"I'd say that we need to talk about it. You have living family and people who are expecting to see you and your absence would be noticed."

"You wouldn't say no?"

"My actions have denied you almost a year of love and happiness. One day of you unhappy is one too many. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if it means doing something I don't want to do. Bella, anything you want in this world is yours. All you have to do is ask."

"What if I said I wanted to make love to you, right now?"

**Edward POV**

She wanted to make love to me? It didn't make sense. She shouldn't be throwing herself at me if she didn't trust me yet, but her scent no longer evoked bloodlust. I wasn't sure what would happen if we were intimate. I didn't trust myself around her that much, not yet, but I had told her I wouldn't deny her anything.

I had fantasized about being with Bella in the biblical sense and it wasn't in a cinderblock dorm room. She deserved better than this. Rose petals, Egyptian cotton, candles. Something soft and delicate.

I swallowed hard. "Bella, if you said that, I would tell you yes, but not yet. We need to rebuild our trust and rushing under the sheets without re-acclimating myself to you could have dire consequences. I could bite you and I may not be able to stop. I wouldn't say no, though. I would say not yet."

I looked up at her and watched her reaction. Her tests were increasingly more infuriating than the last. She crossed her arms again, a tell tale sign of frustration or being guarded. "Let me get this straight, you don't care if I gave blow jobs to the entire Forks basketball team, you'd consider changing me into a vampire, and you would work up to having sex with me? Who are you and what have you done with Edward Cullen?"

"You didn't give the entire Forks basketball team blow jobs, did you?" I had seen what she had done to Jacob Black in his head. I was sure she had performed that act on him. Had she done that on others? What would it feel like for her mouth to be around me?

"No, Edward, and did you just say blow job? Really, who are you?"

She hadn't had she? She was joking again. I should tell her I had gone back to Forks. She wouldn't want to be with me, but I had to be completely honest with her.

"No, I told you it didn't matter. It is me, love. Leaving you made me realize I couldn't be without you. I won't do it anymore."

She scooted a few inches away from me. "Do what? You are leaving me again. I knew it."

"No! I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. I won't keep things from you. I have to tell you that while I was gone, I was hunting down Victoria. We learned from Laurent she was seeking revenge. She sent Laurent to Forks to kill you, but I talked him out of it. You should be safe now. That is one of the many reasons I wanted to be near you and keep an eye on you. The thing is that when I was in Forks, I went to see you, but you were gone."

"You were there? Why didn't you stay? What happened? Where was I?"

"You were away looking at colleges."

She thought for a moment. "I was in Seattle." She looked down.

"I know. I almost stayed and waited for you, but I convinced myself that you were moving on."

Her eyes welled up with tears and I reached out to brush the tear drops as they began to travel down her face. "You were in my room and left the CD?"

"I had hidden it under the floorboards along with the rest of your gifts and the pictures. I had hoped you would find them and realize that I did love you."

"I thought I was going crazy, but I went to your house and saw the boot and tire tracks. I knew Edward. Deep down I always knew that what you had said were lies. It never made sense. It still doesn't. The fact of the matter is you hurt me and-"

Her head curled into my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. "Never again, love."

I held her and the feeling of her warmth in my arms was everything I remembered and more. It was getting late. She slowly pulled away.

"Edward, I need a human moment."

"I should go." I said too quickly. I should give her space.

"No, stay please."

"As you wish, my love." I could never deny her anything nor did I want to leave her, ever.

"I'm going to get ready for bed. Perhaps a shower?" The thought of Bella wet and naked caused my pants to tighten. I tried to think of anything else, but the image of her was now in mind.

"I'll be here." My voice almost cracked. _Where did that come from? _

I tried not to listen to the sound of the water running a few doors down or the sound of Bella in the shower and having her human moments. She returned a few moments later in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. I could see her nipples poking through the thin material. It didn't help the problem that was still growing in my pants.

"It's hot and you're cold. Do you mind being my cooling system?" I couldn't say no to her but I didn't want the bulge of my pants to scare her away or give her the wrong idea.

"Uh, of course."

"I'm not going to attack you, Edward. I want to take it slow. As much as I want to rush back into being with you – we have a lot of trust issues we need to work on. I want us to try and be smarter this time. Slow."

"I can leave," I offered. I didn't want to overstep my newfound place in her life at all.

"Since you left, I haven't slept well and I'm curious to see if you being here would help." She turned off the main overhead light and came toward me on the bed. I moved to one side of the bed and she slid in next to me, turning off the clamped on bed light.

"I'll hold you until you are deep in your sleep, but I need to leave before the sun rises. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day."

"It is now."

**AN: Sorry for the long wait. I am working on the next chapter. In the mean time, I have an OUT outtake for fics for Nashville. Info can be found here: http:/community(dot) livejournal(dot)com/ficsfornash/474(dot)html I will try to post the next chapter as soon as I can.**


	25. Chapter 25: Take Me Home Tonight

AN: Thanks to ColourmeCullen for pre-reading and FanpireMama and JadedandBoring for beta-ing. I have been listening to a lot of 80's music so please excuse the song-spiration for this chapter.

Take Me Home Tonight

I can feel you breathe  
I can feel your heart beat faster.

Take me home tonight  
I don't want to let you go till you see the light  
Take me home tonight

-Eddie Money

**Bella POV**

I woke up for the first time feeling rested. It had been so long since I'd slept so well. Apparently, a good night's rest required Edward Cullen in my bed. Opening my eyes, I secretly hoped he had stayed, but a quick survey of my tiny room told me otherwise. Although my heart was glowing with hope, I was cautiously optimistic and confused. What do I tell my parents? Do I say anything? They're going to hear the joy that has returned to my voice.

I turned my head and noticed a note written in his elegant script waiting for me.

_Dearest Bella,_

_Last night, holding you in my arms made me feel so elated. I have dreamed of holding you again and never thought it was possible. Today is going to be a bright and sunny day. Enjoy it with your friends, but if you would like, we should meet up at twilight and go for a walk around the city. I will pick you up a little after 7. I will call you to finalize plans._

_All my love,_

_Edward_

_Edward gave me all his love. He never stopped. _ I went through our conversation last night. He would turn me. He'd do anything that I wanted. He had said he would never deny me anything again. _What did I want? Did I want to be a vampire? _ I would never be able to see my parents again if I was changed. School. I would have to put school on hold until I could control my thirst. Before I could get lost in my thoughts, there was a knock at my door.

I shuffled out of bed and answered it, pleased to find Shoshanna.

"Morning, sunshine! I… uhh…" Shoshanna looked around me to see if I still had a guest in my room. "Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go exploring, maybe do some shopping around the city a bit."

I thought for a few minutes. I really hated to shop, but I knew I needed to make friends. Lauren was right – the Cullens couldn't be my life.

"Sure. I need a hu…I mean, I need to get dressed." _Shit! I almost just told Shoshanna that I needed a human moment. _

"Meet me in the common area in like thirty? Oh, and Bella, don't think I'm letting you off the hook about your night last night." Shoshanna turned back toward her room as I closed the door.

A day out in the hot mid-June sunshine was just what I needed to take my mind off of Edward. Well, it was once I fed Shoshanna the details about Edward. I told her he was an old friend and we had run into one another. I really needed to figure out what I was going to tell people.

**Edward POV**

I hated leaving her, but the forecast was going to be sunny and I wasn't sure how I would sneak back to the comfort of the townhouse without sparkling. I lightly kissed Bella's forehead, still amazed that I didn't feel any bloodlust being around her, and slipped out of her dorm completely undetected.

The townhouse was quiet, but I could hear Rosalie and Emmett's thoughts. They had just finished a couple of rounds in their bed after their night out dancing. Climbing the stairs up to my room, I attempted to block out their thoughts. Bella. I thought of Bella – holding her in my arms. She had called out my name; no, it was more like a moan – a glorious moan.

As I sat on my bed, the memories of last night filled me with an extreme sense of joy. Jasper may actually be able to stand being within a few feet of me now.

"How'd it go, bro?" Emmett asked, barging into my room without knocking.

"It was rough at first. She's not ready to trust me completely, but she wants to try." I didn't want to divulge all of the tricks Bella had attempted to play on me. "She asked me to change her."

"Whoa!"

"She was testing me, but I can't say no to her anymore on anything. I hurt her so much – whatever I can give her, is hers."

"So, you're going to do it?" Emmett asked. "Wait, did you just say you won't be able to say no to her on anything? Little bro, you could get to first base!" Emmett gave me a high five.

Rosalie, wearing a silk kimono, popped her head into the room. "Edward's going to finally get to first base?"

"He says he can't say no to Bella anymore on anything. He even agreed to change her," Emmett explained.

"You'd change her? Do you really think that's best? Take away her future, her family, and children? Edward, do you really want to do that to her?"

"Rose, I wouldn't do it immediately, but if that is something she wants… I can't, I won't say no. I've hurt her too much."

Rose didn't respond, but her thoughts weren't too kind and neither was her glare. "I'm going to shower. Alice asked us to keep you entertained today," Rose replied pivoting on one heel before heading to her bathroom.

"Sorry, dude, meet us downstairs – we've got a ton of movies to watch today to keep you from going bat-shit crazy." Emmett said, patting me on the shoulder before following Rose to the shower.

I shuddered at their thoughts and looked forward to a day of mindless entertainment.

**Bella POV**

We spent the day walking around the crowded narrow streets of Soho. The area was full of stores and Shoshanna insisted on going through each of them. My feet were aching and I finally persuaded her to sit down and eat some lunch. We found a quiet café on a side street.

"Eww, look at that," Shoshanna said pointing to a couple at a table across the restaurant.

"What?" They looked fine to me.

"Cougar alert. She is like twice his age. He could do so much better. Why would such a young guy be with someone who could be his mother?"

"Maybe it is his mother," I retorted as the couple began to kiss on the lips, "or not."

As we ate, I thought about the cougar and her boyfriend. _If I stayed human, is that what people would say about Edward and me? What happens if I get older? Would people think I am his grandmother? It's been a day though. I can't just decide after a day of him being back in my life that I want to be turned. He could leave me again. No, he'd never leave me again. I believed him last night; I have to learn to trust him again. _

My internal debate distracted me for the rest of the afternoon and thankfully, Shoshanna was too focused on finding trendy clothes to notice. Her announcement that she wanted a nap as we headed back to our dorm was more than welcomed.

Once inside the privacy of my tiny single room, my phone rang right on cue.

"Hello."

"Afternoon, love. How was shopping?"

"Hi, Edward. It was good."

"You know, Alice is upset that you went shopping without her. She's going to want to take you out one rainy day."

I cringed. Of course Alice would be jealous of me shopping with Shoshanna. "It's not like I bought anything. I got your note."

"And… how does a walk sound?"

"My feet are pretty sore; I'm not sure how far I can go."

"How about we have a moonlit picnic in Central Park? It's not our meadow, but it's the closest they've got on this island. You rest. I'll pick you up in a few hours. Parking…"

"What? Edward Cullen who can do everything can't find parking in lower Manhattan?"

"I can – it could take a while – do you mind waiting for me to pull up?"

"You could take the subway and not even worry about driving."

"Have you been down there and smelled it? Such filth."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I guess it would be with your heightened senses. Fine, I'll see you in a few hours. You make me loathe the sun, Edward Cullen."

"Only in densely populated areas!" He laughed. I had never heard Edward be so carefree. I liked it.

I showered to get the dirt and grime off, and still had plenty of time to rest. Slowly, the time ticked by until it was only five minutes until the time Edward had told me he would be there. I headed down to lobby and waited for Edward. Did he still have the Volvo?

A sleek black sports car pulled up in front of my dorm. It seemed a bit out of place. _Nope. He didn't keep the Volvo. _I walked out in front of the building. Edward quickly got out of the car and whipped around to open the door for me.

"Thanks. What happened to the Volvo?" I asked, sliding into the leather seats.

"New memories," Edward replied, settling into the driver's seat. "And this baby has a lot more speed." He switched gears and started driving at his signature speed, only this time it wasn't the back roads of the Olympic National Forest, but the crowded streets of Manhattan.

The car screeched to a stop at a light and he turned back to me. "Besides, I have a need, a need for speed."

"Did you just quote _Top Gun_?"

"Uhh… Emmett made me watch a bunch of movies today. They were all pretty mindless and that helped, since he didn't have to be deep in thought."

Edward pulled the car into the same garage Esme had parked in, and quickly walked around the car to open my door, barely giving me time to unbuckle my seatbelt.

"We're at your house?"

"It's close to the park." Edward popped open the tiny trunk and took out a picnic basket and a blanket. "We aren't going inside – straight to the park to enjoy this beautiful night."

"So besides _Top Gun_, what else did you watch?"

"Mostly mind numbing movies, most of which I've seen before. I did find _Mean Girls_ to be quite funny."

"You liked _Mean Girls_?"

"Well, not as much as Rose did, but after the amount of time I've spent in high schools, it was pretty spot on."

"Huh?" I wanted to pinch myself. This was so surreal. It was like the past nine months hadn't occurred. We were back to the way we had been the summer before our senior year, but he was so much more carefree. He was still my Edward, everything wonderful I had remembered, but better.

**Edward POV**

How did we get onto this conversation? This is not the way I had envisioned this date going. We were talking about the ways I passed the time. Today I couldn't concentrate on reading, or staring into space. Luckily, Alice had sent Rose and Emmett to the city to distract me as best as they could. Their cure was watching movies all day. It didn't help; I spent the day glancing outside, cursing the sun for shining in the sky.

Bella walked next to me. I longed to reach out and grab her hand, but would it be too soon? I shouldn't push her, but I longed for her touch.

"When do your classes start?" I tried to change the subject.

"Class, I'm just taking one; it starts tomorrow. I'm nervous. Everyone I have met is so certain about their lives. They all have these plans and have decided on a major. They look at me like I am crazy for being undecided," Bella explained.

"You are not crazy for not knowing what you want. I've been to med school several times, studied multiple languages, math, chemistry, biology… In all my years of studying at universities, I know Bella, you are not alone. I have heard the thoughts of thousands of college students, they are all confused and a lot of them are undecided."

She didn't respond. Bella seemed deep in thought as I lead her to the grass meadow. We were not alone like we would have been in Forks, but we were far enough away from the other people to feel as alone as anyone can in New York City. I laid out the blanket and set the basket down.

"Bella, do you want to sit down?" She seemed to be lost in her thoughts and I was jealous I couldn't be lost in them as well.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. " She sat down and I joined her. "I'm sorry I am so distracted. You… You're so different and I… I'm so…"

"It's not just your major that you're undecided about, is it?" I reached out and finally took her hand.

"I like this. It's so easy to fall back into the way we used to be, Edward, but that scares me. I can't forget the past nine months. I can't forget, but then with you right here, I do. Yesterday, you said you'd change me. You said you wouldn't deny me anything. It scares me how quickly I would cast off this life and trade it in for eternity with you, even though part of me is scared to trust you."

"Want some sparkling cider?" I asked, trying to lighten the conversation. I did want to talk about us, if that's what she wanted, but I was relieved when she nodded. I pulled out a bottle and a champagne flute from the picnic basket and popped the cork on the bottle, filling the glass. "Here you go."

"I like things that sparkle, thanks." She took a small sip and held the champagne flute in her hands. Oh, she meant me. I smiled back at her. She traced the rim of her flute with her fingers and was pulling grass out with the other hand. She was fidgety. Was she nervous?

I wasn't sure what to say to her without completely overwhelming her even more so than she already was. So we sat there in silence, taking one another in, again. I hated that she still wanted to be like me, but was still afraid to trust me.

"Bella, so what else are you undecided about?" I asked. Though she hadn't answered me, I assumed it was me. "I don't want to rush you or deprive you of anything you want, ever. If it's me you want in your life, be it as a friend or more, I promise we will make decisions together. I will never assume I know what is best for you again."

"Edward, since I met you and even when you left, you took up permanent residence in my heart. I do want you in my life," she responded quickly. "The thing is, I talked to Lauren and I think balance would be good. I really want you in my life, Edward, but I don't want you to be my whole life. I'm in a new city and a new school. I can't rely solely on you and your family for everything. I have to find a balance, at least for now."

_Bella, you are my life now. She still was. _It stung that she didn't want me to be her life, and I thought I understood what she meant by that. She had really brushed off her non-Cullen friends. I was grateful she hadn't shied away from that so much, as they really helped her when I had left her.

"You're not undecided about me?" I asked, checking to make sure.

"Edward, just as I have to learn to trust you, you have to trust me. I knew the moment I saw you at your house that if you wanted me, I wanted you. Even if I am scared now, and apprehensive, it's always been you." Her hand reached up and brushed my cheek. I pulled her closer.

We were face to face. She smelled so amazing – her signature scent that drew me in, but the heat had made her perspire and everything was amplified. "Bella, may I kiss you?" I whispered.

"Yes," she replied, her eyes fluttering closed.

I inched closer, my lips lightly grazing hers. Her scent drove me wild. Bella was slowly parting her lips, but instead of sticking my tongue inside I pulled away.

"Are you okay? Is it my blood?"

"No, it doesn't even bother me anymore. Sure, you smell amazing, but the thirst is gone." Bella smiled and then her stomach grumbled.

"Time to feed the human," I chuckled, pulling out food from the basket.

"Edward, did you really mean it last night when you said 'yes' to everything? Sex and turning me?" Bella asked as I handed her a plate of food.

"Yes, and while I would like to work up to being more physical with you, it is something I would like, very much. As for turning you, it's up to you. When you are ready, or start to feel ready, we can talk about it with Carlisle. I want you to know it's your choice, if you are ready next week or forty years from now, it's up to you."

"I saw a woman today with a younger guy, I thought it was her son, but apparently his tongue down her throat indicated something else. I don't want to be judged by society, Edward. I don't want people looking at you and wondering why you are with an old hag like me."

"They don't matter, Bella. You'll always be beautiful regardless of your age."

"Let's see how things go," she said, leaning into me bringing her lips to mine. As she parted her lips slightly, I brushed my tongue against her lips, before slowing pulling away again.

**Bella POV**

Edward's tongue felt like ice cream on my lips. The cold was a welcoming feeling. We had never done this before and I wanted more. I wanted him. Being so lost in my own Edward-world, I had failed to notice that it was getting dark out.

"Bella, you have class tomorrow, I shouldn't keep you out too late."

I didn't want tonight to end. Spending time with Edward was addicting. "I do have class tomorrow," I reiterated. _Could I ask him to spend the night again? He felt so good and kept me more comfortable than any electric fan possibly could. Besides, last night I had slept better than I had in months. _"Edward, would you mind staying with me again. To keep me cool, of course," I asked, hoping that he would say yes and that perhaps this newfound physical intimacy could continue.

"Of course," he replied, licking his lips. "I wish I could read your thoughts sometimes." He brushed a stray hair back away from my face.

He packed up the picnic basket and blanket at a fast human speed and we walked back to his house. As we approached, Edward turned to me. "Do you want to come inside? Emmett and Rosalie are still there and may bombard you."

I had missed Emmett, but Rosalie had never quite warmed up to me. "Uh, sure, I can say hi, but I really should be getting back to prepare for tomorrow."

Edward opened the door and led me to the vast kitchen. It only took seconds before Emmett came booming down the stairs, followed by Rosalie.

"Bella!" Emmett called out as he pulled me into a giant bear hug.

"Can't breathe," I muffled.

"Easy, Emmett, she's breakable," Edward chastised.

"Yeah Emmett, you break it, you bought it," Rosalie smirked. "Hey Bella, it's nice to see you again." She nodded in my direction. While it wasn't as warm of a welcome as Emmett, it was probably the most civil words Rosalie had said to me.

"I've got to get Bella back to her dorm. I'll be back before dawn, again," Edward said, pulling me out the door.

"It was good to see the both of you," I called back.

We took a taxi back downtown; being dark out it wasn't an issue, though Edward seemed to hate having to relinquish driving control to some stranger.

Once in my dorm room, we followed a similar routine as we had last night. I climbed under the covers, and then nuzzled into Edward's cool chest.

"So, is this going to be a regular occurrence, or should I look for a window air conditioner for you?" Edward asked.

"I like having you here. This could be our thing, since the sun steals most of our daylight hours together, you could be my sleeping buddy." I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth. "What I mean is, since I want to balance my time and not isolate myself – if you aren't hunting – I'd like you here, but also I want to see you other times too."

"Anyway you want, I'm yours."

"Really?" I said propping myself up on my elbow, bringing my lips closer to his.

"Really." His lips found mine and I inched my body closer to his so that the sides of my breasts were resting on his chest. I could feel my nipples harden from being near the coolness of Edward's body. As our kissing intensified, I parted my lips welcoming his tongue to enter me, and I raked my fingers through his thick, unruly hair.

I wonder what Edward would do if I straddled him? I wasn't ready to find out, at least not yet. Instead I pulled away in desperate need for air.

"Wow," I said, stunned at how after all the boys I had kissed, none of their kisses came close to Edward's.

"I almost saw fireworks," Edward joked, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smile. "Thinking of fireworks, would you spend the Fourth of July up in Connecticut with my family? The property is private so we can be outside even in the daytime. Since fireworks are legal in the state, Emmett and Jasper are planning some ungodly display of pyrotechnics."

"Not to steal your line, but how can I say no to you?" I responded, curling into Edward's chest and closing my eyes.

My anxiety about my first day of college classes had dissipated as I was enveloped in the safety of Edward's arms. There were a lot of questions yet to be answered, but the one question I knew tonight answered was that Edward was unequivocally going to be a part of my life now and perhaps forever.

**AN: I'm auctioning myself off in Fandom Gives back in a few days. I will really write anything you want me to write, but please someone bid on me. Huge thanks to everyone for putting this story on alerts. Oh, and there is an outtake that takes place between this chapter and the next that I wrote for Fics for Nashville. It will be posted in late July.**

**You can always follow me on twitter stupidreader. I have to approve you, because strange people follow me if I don't lock it down. **


	26. Chapter 26:TastiD sideouttake

**A/N, Disclaimers, etc: This is an outtake that takes place between chapters 25 and 26. I wrote it for the Fics or Nashville. It's gross, but sexy. I don't own Twilight or Tasti D'Lite, but I personally prefer Mister Softee or Pinkberry. Chapter 26 will be posted in the next few days.**

**Huge thanks to LouderthanSirens and ColourMeCullen for beta-ing. Thanks for SassyGeminiMom or being an awesome validation beta.**

**Bella POV**

My classes were interesting, but unfortunately they didn't hold my attention like Edward did. The more time we spent with one another, the harder it was for me to focus on anything but him. I had a quiz tomorrow and I was in desperate need of studying.

Fortunately it was a sunny day out, which meant that if I spent the day indoors studying, then I would have my evening free to spend with Edward. It was probably the exact opposite though most of my classmates, who were always eager to soak up as much sunshine hanging out in Washington Square Park or sitting on the steps of Union Square during daylight, but I liked evenings in the city.

As the sun sunk lower in the sky, my focus weaned, until I kept re-reading the same line over and over again. Feeling anxious to see Edward, and not wanting to subject him to watching me eat food and endure the smell, I ran down to the food court and grabbed a quick salad for dinner. I brought it up to my room and ate it, before taking a quick shower and changing to a light skirt.

My cell phone rang promptly at 7:45 PM - it was Edward, of course, downstairs waiting for me. Although he could easily get past security using his vampire speed, the security cameras weren't so easy to circumvent and he preferred to wait for me.

A short elevator ride later, I was face to face with Edward. He was dressed in a striped polo shirt and khaki cargo shorts with light colored loafers on his feet.

"Hello, love." His eyes sparkled as he greeted me.

"Hi." My eyes focused on his lips. I really wanted to kiss them.

Edward's fingers graced my chin as he held my face in his hands. "I've missed you so much. How were your classes today? Did you get enough studying in?"

"Yes, dad. So, where are you taking me tonight?" I brushed his hands away from my face. As soon as I did, I missed his touch and grabbed his hand.

"I thought we could take a walk around Greenwich Village. It's a nice night."

Walking around different neighborhoods had become one of our favorite activities. Evenings in New York provided much more variety than our typical evenings we had spent together in Forks. Those nights were mostly spent sitting on the couch with Charlie eyeing Edward or watching movies with the rest of Edward's family.

We walked the narrow winding streets of Greenwich Village. I always got lost as they didn't follow the grid system that the rest of city seemed to follow. Lots of people were out – jogging, walking dogs, pushing strollers. Each time we passed a family with a gaggle of children, Edward would eye me. He knew I couldn't have children, but he still felt that if I chose to become a vampire that I could miss out on a family.

Holding Edward's cold hand brought plenty of respite from the mid-summer humidity that seemed to stifle the thick, soupy air. Even still, beads of sweat dripped down between my shoulder blades.

"When did Alice say this heat wave is going to break?" I asked.

"She said tomorrow night will be full of thunderstorms. I was going to head out to the country to join the rest of the family for baseball tomorrow night. Would you like to join us?"

"I'd love to, but it's a school night." I replied, a combination of a frown and a pout forming on my face.

"I don't have to go," Edward insisted.

_Guilt._ "Edward, go. You never spend much time with your family anymore."

"Bella, you are so selfless. I love that about you. I love so much about you."

I felt my face go flush as Edward's words always made me feel so self-conscious. "Edward…" We were slowly building the trust in our relationship back up to where it had been before he had left. It was actually better this time. I had grown up while he was gone and he had realized that the decisions we make need to be joint decisions and not him thinking he knew what was best.

We walked silently as dusk turned into the signature starless evenings that were characteristic of New York City.

"You know, I do recall ice cream being a treat in summertime, when I was a boy. Would you like some ice cream?"

"Uh , sure. There's a place right there," I replied, pointing to a brightly lit storefront. "Tasti D'lite. Oh, it's low calorie. I've heard this is good." As I was now a poor college student, I gladly let Edward pay for my treat.

**Edward POV**

I knew from spending last summer with Bella that two guys named Ben and Jerry made odd flavors of ice cream, but I never paid close attention to ice cream parlors. This particular one had several flavors to choose from. My love picked New York Cheesecake flavor. We sat at the little table and chairs and she licked the twisted treated from the cone.

"Mmmhh. I love the way the cold feels in my mouth," Bella cooed, licking the cone with her tongue. She twirled her tongue around the soft ice cream.

Was she trying to kill me or her for that matter? Seeing her tongue and her body respond to such a cold substance was, well it was turning me on. I shifted uncomfortably in the metal chair. She flicked her tongue again. She had told me she'd explored her sexuality while I was gone, and I didn't begrudge her for doing so, but it had awakened the sexual being within her.

"Bella, love, you must stop. You don't understand the power you have on me."

"Oh, but I do." She took another lick - that little vixen.

I shifted my gaze down to the floor, leaning back and crossing my arms as she finished her treat. Having a raging hard-on in a public place was not an option. I didn't look up until I heard the crunching of the ice cream cone.

"All done!" Bella exclaimed as jumped up from seat, throwing her used napkins in the trash bin.

I followed her out the door and we resumed walking hand-in-hand down the street toward her dorm.

**Bella POV**

The soft ice cream hit the spot. What a perfect snack for such a wonderful evening. I loved tempting and teasing Edward. We had just started to kiss and explore one another, but never taking it as far as I would like.

After walking a few blocks, I felt my stomach begin to rumble. We were walking toward 14th Street, which is fairly crowded, even at this hour. I felt the pressure building and turned my face as I winced. The noise from the traffic would surely drown it out if I just relieved some of the pressure. We were in New York, in this heat, the smell of urine seemed to permeate everywhere.

Sheepishly, I looked over at Edward. He surely didn't suspect a thing. So as we walked I slowly let out some of the pressure that had built in my stomach. The problem was, once I started, I couldn't stop.

People were walking behind us and didn't say anything. Every couple steps I farted. Others walked past us and didn't act as if anything was wrong. Edward didn't say anything, at least not at first.

"Bella, love, are you feeling okay?"

"Uh, of course. Why would you think I'm not feeling okay?" Just then, I let another one rip. I couldn't help it.

I felt my cheeks grow hot as I turned toward Edward. He was now covering his nose with his hand. Maybe I could play this off. "Don't you hate how people just urinate on the street corners in this city?" I asked.

"We should get you back to your dorm. Perhaps some medicine? I should call Carlisle."

"Don't call Carlisle. It's the ice cream, apparently it doesn't agree with my stomach."

"Well, let's hope that doesn't happen with every cold thing that goes into your mouth!" Edward replied with a laugh.

Did he just say what I think he said?

"Edward, did you just insinuate…"

"Perhaps, I did! Now let's get you back to your dorm!"

That night taught me two things: First, Tasti D'lite ice cream may be low in calories, taste good going down, but there were severe consequences for such a treat. Second, Edward Cullen was finally starting to express himself sexually to me.


	27. Chapter 27: I Wanna

**AN: Thanks to LouderthanSirens for hosting the readalong for this story. Huge thanks to ColourmeCullen and Fanpire Mama for pre-reading and beta-ing this chapter. **

_Can you hear me say  
Don't throw me away?  
And there's no way out  
I gotta hold you somehow_

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me, too  
Every day, but all I have is time  
Our love's the perfect crime

_-The All American Rejects_

**Edward POV**

She was my life now, again, but it stung because I wasn't hers. The rational part of me knew it was good for Bella to have more people in her life besides vampires, but I didn't have to like it.

I didn't have to like when that young man Josh called her and she spoke with him - about me. Not that I was spying on her. He called when I was in her room one evening. What kind of guy calls a lady after ten? He did. He called her. She talked about me and kept looking at me when she told him how happy she was that we had reconnected. He said that he was happy for her as long as I didn't fuck up again. Who uses that kind of language? It's not like I tore the room apart or punched a whole through the cinderblock walls. Her continuing friendship with Josh, knowing he had gone where I hadn't, infuriated me, but at the same time I had to let my anger go, because Bella was with me now. Well, not with me.

I didn't thirst for her blood in any way, like I had last year. No, it actually disgusted me – the thought of drinking her blood, hurting her – I couldn't do it. Ever. My physical desire for her was much stronger than my bloodlust. Each night we progressed a little more.

I enjoyed witnessing her conversations with Lauren Mallory more. She was adorable as she fended off questions about the physical nature of our relationship. When Lauren would ask if we had sex yet, Bella would turn the most darling shade of pink, bite her lip, and then mutter not yet.

Yet being the key and operative word in that response. Controlling my physical reactions to her was getting more and more difficult. A year later, Bella had experienced things I had only seen in the minds of other people, but I wanted her to experience them with me.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I came to a realization – I needed to hunt. Right on cue, my phone rang.

"Yes, Alice, I know I need to hunt."

"Edward! You really need to hunt and prepare for this weekend."

"Why?" I hated not being able to see into Alice's head over the phone.

"Nothing bad, but you are going to need to be well fed," she replied cryptically.

I nodded in anticipation of what I had begun to plan.

**Bella POV**

What was that saying? The days passed like weeks and the weeks passed like days? Yes, that is how the remainder of June has felt. The summer heat had only grown hotter and the air was thick and soupy with humidity. It wasn't like the dry heat of Phoenix that I had remembered. It was as if this heat of Phoenix was combined with the humidity of Forks. It didn't matter much, though most of my time was spent inside at class, or in the library studying.

Shoshanna had become my closest human friend at NYU, well my only friend at NYU; we ate most meals together, which was something I was a bit uncomfortable doing in front of the Cullens. It was surreal at first, not only having Edward back in my life, but his family too.

I had known it was going to take a while, but really we fell back into a routine so quickly. It wasn't until he was around one night when Josh called, that I realized I could trust him and that he respected me. When the phone had rung, I almost didn't pick it up, but Edward shrugged it off when I told him it was Josh. He knew Josh and I had been intimate, but it didn't bother him that much. Okay, he did put another dent in my bed frame, but he had smiled when I told Josh about running into Edward again and I was happy.

I did finally tell Charlie and Renee about Edward being at NYU, this time I made sure Edward wasn't around for my conversation. Charlie was concerned he was going to hurt me again, but I explained that I had never been happier, and I really hadn't. Between my classes finally being challenging and having the Cullens as my extended family. I finally felt like I was finding a place where I fit in. Though nothing compared to the nights when I slept in Edward's arms. It was home.

Shoshanna had invited me, actually us, to a rooftop party tonight. Finally, after politely declining any opportunity to share me, Edward had agreed to go with me. After the party, we were going to head out to the Cullen's house in Connecticut for the Fourth of July. My classes were off for the week and I hoped to use the time off to catch up on my reading and maybe work on my tan.

I packed up a small duffle bag for the weekend and put on a simple cotton sundress and sandals. Between Alice and Shoshanna, I seemed to never be short an opinion when it came to my clothing choices.

Watching Edward interact in a social setting with humans was quite entertaining. He had to fake drinking, plus I knew he could read people's thoughts and that made it difficult to talk to them. Somehow he did great, but then was there anything Edward wasn't amazing at? As I reached into the bucket to grab a cold beer, I felt a set of cold lips lightly brush my neck.

"Have I told you that you are glowing?" Edward softly asked.

"No, but you do feel good in this heat," I replied, leaning back against him as his cold tongue brushed over my neck and earlobe. His hands engulfed me and I felt myself being consumed by his presence.

"Hey, you two, get a freaking room," Shoshanna called out.

"You heard the lady, have we made a long enough appearance?" Edward asked. He seemed a bit impatient to get out of the city.

I nodded.

As we drove away from the city, I realized I could see stars again in the sky. I had missed them as the city lights and pollution often block them. Edward kept one hand on the wheel and another on my thigh, rubbing small circles into my bare skin.

Perhaps I had been too naïve last year, but the sexual tension that resonated between us was thick. Each touch of his hand on my skin caused the desire and need to grow stronger from deep within me. I was thankful he couldn't read my thoughts, as I silently debated how to achieve more friction between us – even to the point of straddling him while he was driving. Thankfully, my cell phone ringing broke me of that thought.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella!" Alice replied.

"Hi, we are almost at the house, but you should know that by now."

"Bella, don't do what I saw you doing. Not yet at least!"

"Alice!" I looked over at Edward, who was watching me out of the corner of his eye. I could feel my face growing hotter.

"Just wait till you get here – there will be plenty of opportunities for you two. See you tomorrow!" Alice shouted, hanging up the phone without saying goodbye.

I looked back over to Edward. "That was Alice," I explained.

"I know. So, what were you thinking about that made Alice call to warn you not to do it and also has you blushing?"

I didn't say anything for awhile. What could I say? Edward, I want to jump your bones? Nothing seemed to work.

"Bella…"

"I want you," I said with a sigh.

"Yes, I know you are here with me."

"No, Edward, I really want you in every way a woman can want a man. The past few weeks… I trust you and I want to demonstrate that trust, physically."

Edward didn't say anything, but he revved the engine and drove even faster. Was he mad at me? After weeks of saying he was never going to deny me anything, was he going to reject me?

The silence was broken up by the car slowing down and turning down a long windy driveway. The car came to a stop in front of a palatial estate.

"We're here," Edward announced, turning toward me. "Bella, I couldn't respond while I was driving, but now I can."

His face inched toward mine until his lips touched mine. His hands caressed my face, down my neck until they rested on my boobs. I opened my mouth and deepened the kiss and Edward's tongue met mine inside my mouth. Now turned toward him, I laced my fingers through his hair. Friction. I needed friction and the inclination to straddle him was still there, but the center console was impeding it.

"Let's continue this inside – in our room." Edward said, pulling away.

**Edward POV**

I heard Carlisle's thoughts, but didn't see anyone.

_We thought we would give you two some privacy. Alice insisted you needed it. _

I mumbled a heartfelt thanks and led Bella to our room. Had I told her our room? I hadn't needed a bed, but Alice insisted a few weeks ago that Bella would be sleeping here more often. I should give her a tour of the house, but that could wait until daylight.

"This is my room," I said turning on the lights to my large suite and placing Bella's small bag down on the floor.

"I thought you said it was our room?" Bella asked, as she plopped herself down on the bed, her long hair laid out like a fan and her legs hanging off the side of the bed. "Edward," she pleaded.

Like a moth to a flame my legs quickly carried me to her, until I was wedged in between her legs that were dangling off the side of the bed. I placed my hands on either side of her body to support my weight and brought my lips down to hers, but didn't kiss her.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered.

"I told you in the car."

"Tell me again."

"I want you." Bella moaned, bringing her lips to meet mine. She wrapped her legs around my body, though even with some force she couldn't move me. I grabbed her leg and hitched it around my body. I didn't want to press against her too much – my erection could hurt her. Thankfully we both had our clothes still on, for now.

In the days leading up to this weekend, Carlisle and I had spoken at length about my ability to be physical with Bella. After much strategizing, diagrams and even a dry run using Barbie and Ken dolls Alice happened to have, we had determined the best way for Bella and me to be intimate. When or if we had intercourse, it would be best for her to be on top, but it would be best to stretch her with my fingers before full penetration. I was definitely much more endowed then poor plastic Ken.

Bella's hips pushed toward mine. I needed to slow this down.

"Why don't you shower and get more comfortable and I will make you a snack?" She looked at me with sad puppy-dog eyes. "We'll continue this; I promise." I stood up.

"Okay," she pouted, rolling off the bed and grabbing her bag.

**Bella POV**

He wasn't rejecting me. Though, my thoughts did go there as I allowed the hot water and the jets to wash away my tears in the monstrous shower in the bathroom adjoining our room. I knew he would want to take it slow and I was okay with that, but our time together in the past few weeks had proven to me that I could trust him again, and even if I got hurt, I loved having him back in my life and it was worth the risk. I had experienced life with him and life without him and there was no comparison.

Changing was another thing I had started to think about. How could I turn my back on my family? There had to be a better way. The other question was when.

Pulling a towel around me, I walked back to the bedroom where Edward had left a blue silk camisole and shorts out for me. I put it on, silk was a nice change from my normal cotton shorts and t-shirts, and climbed on top of the bed.

"Wow. Uh… Alice picked that out for you – said you would be pleasantly surprised," Edward said, walking over carrying a try with fruit and cheese carefully laid out.

"As per usual, she's right. But, Edward, here I am practically naked and you are fully dressed. That's not fair is it?"

"Uhh, I guess not. I don't want to rush you. You trust me, right?"

"How do I explain this to you? The past few months, I felt like I was living in a fog and now I feel like it has finally lifted. I don't think you'd walk away from us again. I don't think you could hurt me. I don't know why, maybe it is women's intuition, but I feel like I can trust you. I can, can't I?"

Edward walked over and kissed my forehead before quickly moving into the closet area. He quickly returned wearing matching green silk pajama pants. I had barely had a nibble of the food, but my appetite seemed to be the last thing on my mind as he made his way over to the bed and slipped in next to me.

"Sometimes I think I am dreaming, that this isn't real, and I am going to wake up to find that I'm alone."

"I am," he kissed my forehead, "very," he kissed the tip of nose, "real."

He sealed his promise with a kiss. His lips pressing into mine. I turned to be closer to him. His hand travelled down my hair, he fingered the strap of my camisole, and his long fingers grazed my nipple. It hardened from his cool touch and I rolled my hips toward him until I was completely on my side. Edward continued to kiss me as I traced the lines of his hardened body with my tip of my finger. He mimicked my motions and his fingers slowly made their way to the hem of the camisole to the top of the little shorts that I was wearing.

He looked at me and I nodded, eager to have his hands on me – there. Ever so carefully, he slid his fingers under the waistband and his long fingers traveled down. I knew he could smell my arousal, but now he would touch it as well. His fingers slid between my wet folds and a gasp escaped my mouth.

"Too cold?"

"No, it feels good. You feel good," I whispered, my hips bucked toward his fingers.

He slipped a finger inside of me, and I continued to gyrate my hips to create more friction. I wanted more – more of him, all of him.

"More please," I pleaded.

He slipped his middle finger into me, and slowly pumped his two fingers in and out of me. As he pumped I licked the cold skin of his neck and his ear. It wasn't as though I could give him a hickey, but he tasted just as sweet as he smelled.

I felt the heat building inside of me and Edward must have sensed it too, because he sped up his movements. And then I felt my release.

**Edward POV**

Bella collapsed, exhausted and dizzy against me and quickly fell asleep. I could still feel her on my fingers. Once I was sure she was deep in REM sleep, I quickly slipped out of bed and washed my hands, but not before I took one last whiff of her scintillating scent.

When she awoke the next day, Bella had a new glow to her face. My family returned as I was attempting to make Bella an omelet. Although Alice had seen what had transpired, the rest of my family could only guess what had happened between us.

Emmett's teasing was the worse, and although I yelled at him for his comments, the effect they had on Bella were positively divine. Each joke made her blush harder. It was adorable.

We spent the day lounging around the yard – Bella soaking up sun and the rest of us refracting it. Carlisle was excited to finally get to use the built-in grill to make Bella's lunch. It was a very typical all-American day, except for the fact that we were vampires. I couldn't help but hear Rose's thought – she wanted to get Bella alone to talk to her.

"Edward, it's going to be fine. Let Rose have her moment with Bella, it will be good for both of them," Alice said.

I nodded in agreement. Bella had spent time with each member of the family talking with them. She fit so naturally, I could see why Esme, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and shockingly even Carlisle firmly believed she should be one of us. She really did complete us as a family. Rose was the only holdout, though her reasons for Bella not changing were moot in this case.

When Rose took Bella aside to have a chat with her, instinctively I listened in, in case I needed to jump in and protect Bella from Rose's abrasive side.

Rose took a seat in the lawn chair next to Bella's.

"Sorry about Emmett. I think if he was a human he would be given medicine for ADD or ADHD or something. He can be a bit of spazz, but I love him regardless."

"Rosalie, it's fine."

"Bella, I've seen how happy you have made Edward and the rest of my family. I don't know if you want to change, but can I tell you, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't do it." Rosalie said softly.

"Edward's mentioned that before, but Rosalie, I'm not you. It's my decision to make and I have to do what's best for me. I need you to accept that. I want you to accept me. If I do change, I hope eventually you can learn to tolerate me." Bella bit her lip lightly and looked down.

"Bella, I do like you, but I am envious of you. Regardless, I will respect your decision. You've got a lot of guts, you know that? Oh, and call me Rose, please." Rose put her hand on Bella's arm.

I was relieved that it went over well and was so proud of Bella for standing her ground. The more she said it was her decision and she was going to do what was best for; the more I realized she was right.

Their private moment over, I walked back toward the patio and caught Bella's eye. "Want to get out of here?' I mouthed.

She nodded in agreement.

"I'm taking Bella into town to walk around and get dinner."

"Shopping? Without me?"

"Alice, I promise we'll call you if we see anything," Bella said and then quickly shook her head. "Wait, Alice won't you see if we find something?"

"I already have and it'll be blue," she snickered.

I drove with speed into downtown Greenwich. I figured I would show Bella the "Ave" as Greenwich Avenue is known. It is filled with lots of shops and cafés. Most of the town residents were gone for the long weekend – off to their beach homes or extravagant vacations, so parking wasn't an issue. After we parked, I couldn't help but smirk at the thoughts of some teenagers as they passed by my car, unlike other places we lived, they weren't impressed with my vehicle. Instead a bunch of them thought I should have upgraded to the next model – they were probably right.

As we walked hand-in-hand by the little boutiques, Bella shrugged with little interest into going into any of them.

"How about this store? You could get a new bathing suit?"

"No, I've got everything I need right here," she said, holding up our hands. "Actually there is one thing I want to see, but it's not really meant to be seen in public."

She had piqued my interest. "Whisper it to me."

"I want to see all of you, Edward Cullen."

"All of me?" If it was possible for my voice to crack, it probably would have. I started thinking fast. We couldn't go home with my family there to hear us. Where else to go? The beaches closed at dusk; we could go there. First, food for Bella as I could hear her stomach grumbling.

We walked all the way down the Avenue and across to a beautiful restaurant situated in a hotel on the water. _Hmm hotel. _

We entered the French provincial decorated lobby, and Bella excused herself for the ladies' room. While she was gone, I secured us a room.

We sat by the water, where I pretended to eat a salad and Bella had the same. Bella wanted me. It seemed only fair, after the attention I had paid her yesterday that she would want to reciprocate.

The meal couldn't end fast enough.

"Where to next?" Bella asked.

"Follow me."

We walked through the hotel and up to our room. "I didn't think you would want to do anything with my family all around. Vampire hearing does have its shortfalls."

"Thank you. This weekend has been perfect. I can't believe we are less than an hour from the city."

"I'm glad you like it." I said kissing her lightly. She quickly intensified the kiss and I picked her up and carried her to the bed.

"You really like having me in bed, don't you?" she teased.

"I love it. I love you. Now, what did you want to see?"

"You," she said, pointing at my chest and then quickly attacked my buttons. Her 98.6 degree tongue licked my nipples and traveled down my chest.

Her tongue swirled around my belly button and then she lifted her head up. "Do you mind?" she asked, gesturing at my pants.

Hummminah humminah… I shook my head, unable to find the words.

Her tiny fingers moved over the button and then the zipper. She reached in and stroked me through my underwear. The warmth of her skin felt amazing. She then took my cock out of my underwear and began stroking. She wasn't timid and it led me to deduce that she had definitely done this before. What am I saying, I know she had done this before, I had seen it in that dog's head.

"Uhhhh…." I moaned. It didn't matter if she had done this before, she was doing it to me now.

"Just relax," she instructed, "lean back."

I did as she said and leaned back. She brought her face closer and closer to my cock. Was she? She was. My fully erect cock was slowly entering her mouth. Her hot, steamy, wet mouth surrounded me. Her tongue swirled around the tip.

"Is this okay?" she asked.

"Gahhhh…"

Up and down she went with her hand and her mouth. Thank goodness I had taken to masturbating or else I would never have lasted this long. I couldn't finish in her mouth. She should stop. I didn't want her to stop, but I was afraid of her swallowing.

"We should stop," I managed to say. The monster in me wanted her to keep going, but I was going to lose control. I would need to hunt again tomorrow. Even a lone deer would suffice.

Bella pulled back. "Edward are you sure?"

"Yes," we should stop.

"Okay, my jaw was starting to hurt."

She fell asleep against me in the bed. We would leave early in the morning since Bella didn't have any overnight stuff with her. Bella said my name in her sleep and I suddenly realized what was blue… my balls.

We returned back at the house early the next day and spent the day lounging with the family outside again. They all knew about my problem, because Jasper sensed my discomfort, and projected it. That wasn't the worst part of the day, though. The most awkward moment of the day was when Emmett came out of the house holding Alice's Barbie dolls.

"Let's roll play, boys and girls!" He held up the two dolls. "Oh, Bella, I love you I want your blood. No, I want your body." Emmett held up the Ken doll's arm to touch the Barbie's breast. "Edward, hump me," Emmett said in a high-pitched voice. "But I could kill you," he said, responding for the Ken doll. "I don't care, I'm horny," the Barbie responded. "You think you're horny, I've been 17 for over a hundred years. I want poon." He then processed to crash the two dolls into one another.

"Emmett! We didn't need a demonstration. Could you be anymore crass?" I asked.

"Yes, I could, but I thought I'd spare you."

"Em, that was hilarious and spot on, wasn't it Edward?" Bella asked, raising an eyebrow at me. Despite her coolness, her pink face did reveal she was a bit embarrassed.

She was right, but I wasn't going to give Emmett the satisfaction. "I'm not going to dignify that with a response."

"Alice, why do you have Barbie dolls, aren't you too old for them?" Bella asked. She wasn't the only one who had that thought either.

"I needed them for school, okay. Besides, they are fun to accessorize, though the Barbie shoes tend to get lost. I would go nuts if I lost shoes like she did."

Bella and Alice sat there laughing and sharing in girl talk. She was positively spectacular – glowing with happiness. I didn't realize I had been staring at her. Bella turned and met my eyes.

"I love you," I mouthed. As the words, left my mouth, I knew tonight would be the night.

**Bella POV  
**My heart fluttered from Edward's declaration of love. He had said it before, and each time I felt my insides aglow. Yesterday, defending myself to Rosalie was something I never thought I would have the courage to do before he had left, but now, I knew I had to stand firm on all of my life choices. It was reassuring that everyone else in the family was excited to see me become one of them.

Being around a family of vampires was one sure way to get a girl to think about her own changing. Carlisle was the one who had changed most of the family, save Alice and Jasper, and I wanted to talk to him about my own changing. I waited until the boys had gone off to prep the fireworks and everyone else thanks to Alice had things to do inside the house.

"Carlisle, can we talk?"

"There seems to be a lot of that going on this weekend," he said, referring to my earlier conversation with Rosalie, I mean Rose. He motioned to the table and chairs next to the grill.

We both sat down. "So, what can I do for you?" he asked, folding his hands together.

"I wanted to talk to you about becoming a vampire. I know that it hurts from my previous experience," I said, holding up my hand that James had bitten. "The only thing that is holding me back is giving up my family and my life. There has to be another way."

"Bella, becoming a vampire means you are frozen in time. You won't age, besides the first year as a newborn is very difficult and your eyes will be red."

"I can go a year without seeing my family, but faking my own death, would destroy my father; I'm all he has."

"When are you thinking you want to be changed?"

This was one of those questions that had been looming in my brain for weeks. I didn't want to be older than 19. I didn't want to be that much older than Edward. This meant that I wouldn't be able to finish up my degree at NYU, at least not in the near future.

"Within the next year or so. I was thinking of getting at least a semester under my belt. I just don't want to be that much older than Edward."

"Hmm… I have some ideas on all your concerns and I think we could make it work, but you have to be sure that this is really what you want, there's no turning back."

"I'm becoming more and more certain that being with Edward and this family is where I belong."

"Speaking for the family, the feeling is mutual and when you are ready, let me know."

"I will, but do you think it would be possible for Edward to be the one to change me?" I asked. I really wanted it to be him, if I did it.

"That would be up to Edward. Now come on, it sounds like the fireworks are almost set up."

I followed Carlisle out further into the Cullen's vast yard and found Edward waiting for me on a blanket he had brought out.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think it is. Did you hunt?" I asked, his eyes were less dark.

He nodded, and I sat down between Edward's legs, so that I could lean back against him.

We sat there watching the pyrotechnics that Jasper and Emmett had put together. It was the best display I had ever seen. After the "grand finale", I looked around to see that Edward and I were once again alone.

"Let's go back to the house. I have a surprise for you," Edward whispered.

I followed Edward inside, wondering if his surprises would continue after I changed.

As I entered _our _room, I realized Edward had lit several candles and has sprinkled rose petals on the bed.

"Bella, I want you, if you'll have me?" he asked leading me to the bed. "We can do this with some modifications to ensure your safety."

Was he serious? Looking around, he definitely was serious. I never thought we would be here. I never thought he'd give in to me on this. Then it dawned on me that I had pressured him into this.

"Are you only doing this because I want it and you can't tell me no?" He looked down. "Edward, I know I have said I wanted you and you have stated time and time again that you will give me whatever I want, but I don't want you to do something you're uncomfortable with."

"Bella, I want you. I've wanted you physically for so long. Sometimes, I think you must know when you moan my name in your sleep. It does things to me," he replied, sitting on the bed and looking at me through his eyelashes.

"I'm so sorry. You should wake me if I…"

"Bella, come here."

I walked toward him and he placed my hand on his crotch. He was rock hard. His body is always rock hard, but this appendage wasn't usually this hard.

"Just being around you does this to me. I want you." He pressed his lips to mine. I moved my hand up and down his length. It was bigger than the others, but then again there was never any comparison between Edward and the others; it was always him. Always.

We took it slow – kissing and fondling. Then Edward lifted my shirt over my head before he leaned back and tossed his own shirt onto the floor. He pulled me on top of him and bucked his hips up at mine. Instinctively, I pushed down on him as I felt him through his clothes. Our pelvises moved in rhythm together.

"You lie. You can dance," he whispered into my ear as his lips graced my neck.

"Only with you. Only ever with you. Forever." It wasn't until the words escaped my mouth did I realize that I was sure. I wanted Edward for eternity. I did want to change and soon.

Edward's lips had moved down my neck, to my collarbone, and now his cold tongue was flicking the tips of my nipples. He alternated – left, right, left, left, right, right.

"Please – I need you," I pleaded, my fingers slowly unbuttoning the fly of his jeans.

"I can't deny you anything." His cold hands traveled down from my breast to my shorts as he undid them and pushed them down, taking my panties along for the ride.

For the first time ever I was fully exposed to Edward. He looked down at me and then his eyes travelled back to meet mine.

"You are breathtaking."

"Please." I rocked my naked body against him. It was just enough encouragement, because in record time his pants and underwear were off. We laid there for a few moments feeling our naked bodies against one another; mine hot and his cold, but both filled with pent up desire.

"Take me and put me inside. I need you to be on top and in control, so I don't hurt you. I don't know how my animalistic instincts will behave, but we think this is best."

I did as he asked, taking his erect cock in my hand. It was so thick. When Josh and I had sort of done this his wasn't as big and he barely penetrated me. _Hope this doesn't hurt too much._

Straddling him I guided him into me before lowering myself, quite slowly, onto him. It felt like it did a few nights before with his fingers, but this was much bigger. The coldness of his body numbed any pain I felt.

I lowered myself further, until I could bend down and kiss him. That brought him fully inside of me. Nothing had ever been that deep. Edward bucked lightly, causing me to cry out.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked alarmed.

"No, do that again!"

We moved together as one – it wasn't forced it was natural. I came first and then Edward came inside of me. It was only then did I realize we hadn't used a condom. Was he even safe? Was that venom? I felt myself tensing up as I slowly moved off of him and rolled next to him in our bed.

"We didn't use a condom?"

"It's okay."

"I mean I know I can't get pregnant but what if you have sperm like Superman?"

"Bella, I'm not the superhero and neither is my sperm. I've looked into it, yes there is sperm in there but it's old and doesn't have the speed of a younger man, it is the one thing that has aged. Given your condition you should be fine. Besides, Lois Lane's uterus could never handle Superman's sperm, let alone carry his baby to term."

"You saw that movie too?"

"Yeah, Emmett. He liked the stink palm part. He thought it was pure genius."

"Typical." I laughed and curled up into Edward's cool chest. I was drunk with love and addicted to his presence. He was it. My heart was full and bursting.

My mind wandered back to being changed. I wanted the rest of my life, the rest of my eternity to start sooner. Changing me was now just a matter of logistics.

**AN: I Wanna lyrics by Tyson Ritter and Nick Wheeler. The movie referenced is Mallrats. **


	28. Chapter 28: She's in Love with the Boy

**AN: Thank you for sticking with me, despite my mini puppy hiatus. My new puppy is adorable, but keeps me busy. Huge thanks to ColourmeCullen and FanpireMama for beta-ing/pre-reading. We are nearing the end.**

Chapter 27 – She's in Love with the Boy

What's meant to be will always find a way  
She's gonna marry that boy someday.  
She's in love with the boy...  
-John Ims (Sung by Trisha Yearwood)

**Lauren POV**

I have a theory, and no, it's not bunnies. Josh likes to be the hero. He was a little bummed about Bella being back together with Edward, so Jeff invited him to Forks for the weekend. It worked out well, because Jessica and Mike had finally broken up. I hoped it was for good. Well, she was all, "no one likes me. I'm not attractive." Josh loves to rescue a lost kitten. Bam the two of them are sucking face. It works out well because there is no way she could be a Nu girl and date Newton, but Josh, he's perfect.

I can't believe I am going to be moving into the sorority house in only a few days. Jessica and I are going to share a room. We got matching comforters and everything coordinating. My parents will be there to help, but so will Jeff. Jeff insisted on helping me move in. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself that we are back together. It is just so surreal. I never thought happy endings were true, not the massage parlor types, either, but real happy endings where the girl and the guy overcome adversity and find one another, but maybe it can.

Thinking of fairytales, I wonder how Bella's doing. Now that Edward is back in her life, she's fallen off the face of the earth. Not that I don't know what it's like, but really is it that hard to return an email or pick up the phone? Guess, now that she's in NYC she's too cool. Whatever.

**Edward POV**

I sat outside the restaurant honing in on Renee and Charlie's thoughts as they dined with their daughter. It was no coincidence that Renee had "won" a free trip for two to New York right in the middle of one of Phil's out of town series. With Bella having a break in between terms, it seemed perfectly logical to give the other ticket to her ex-husband, Charlie, whose only expense would be his hotel room.

The sun had just gone down and I was supposed to be meeting up with Bella and her parents before we took them to a Broadway show.

"Dessert?" I overheard the waitress ask.

All three of them declined.

"Check when you get a chance," Bella instructed.

"Oh, that's been taken care of already."

I smiled. So, I had called and given them my credit card earlier in the day. It was the least I could do for taking the life of their one and only daughter and making it next to impossible for her to see them for at least a few years.

"Why, that is so nice. Who would do something like that? Was this part of the contest I won?" Renee asked.

Her thoughts indicated her overwhelming gratitude for having won the contest. She had been missing Bella and had felt that she and her daughter were really growing apart.

Charlie, on the other hand, was still a bit suspicious of his ex-wife's contest winning along with a free meal. He thought about leaving a tip, but as he pulled out his wallet, he realized he hadn't even seen a bill. Not wanting to be rude, Charlie debated before pulling out a twenty dollar bill and settling it on the table.

The waitress passing by stopped him. She was honest. She should have been after the amount I tipped her. "Sir, the tip has been taken care of as well." She said, prompting Charlie to retrieve his money.

Through Charlie's thoughts I saw that he examined Bella's reactions to this entire incident – she seemed suspicious. Of course she would, she knew we, and specifically Alice and I, were behind arranging this entire long weekend trip.

I stood outside the Italian restaurant – pacing – that's what humans do. As far as restaurants near the theater district, the reviews for this particular restaurant indicated that it was one of the better ones. That's the one thing about New York, there are so many restaurants taking up so much space, but yet they serve no purpose to us.

"Edward," Bella cried throwing her arms around me. She planted a kiss on me cheek. Turning away she introduced me to her mother.

Renee's thoughts centered on my appearance. She found me attracted and while she saw her daughter as beautiful she wondered why we were together.

Charlie reluctantly shook my hand.

_A handshake, but no apology, boy?_

"Chief Swan, I wanted to apologize for the manner in which my family left and the way I ended my relationship with Bella. I made a mistake thinking that when we left a clean break would be best. With every fiber of my being, I'm sorry. I will spend eternity trying to make it up to Bella."

I glanced over at Bella, who knew I meant it, eternity.

_That's more like it. _

"Edward, I appreciate your apology."

_Oh, Charlie, can't you see? That boy looks at our baby girl just like you looked at me. They're in love. My little girl is really in love. I'm too young to be a grandma. Nah, Bella never wanted kids and they're so young. Oh, wait, Bella can't have kids. Well maybe one day they can adopt or try. _

Renee became lost inside her own thoughts as we made the short walk from the celebrity-chef owned restaurant to the theater. I had acquired tickets to _Phantom of the Opera. _I wasn't as big of a fan of the theater as the rest of my family. Being able to hear the actor's thoughts while they said their lines was very distracting, if not challenging. The actor who was playing the Phantom tonight had his mind on a lover's quarrel with his boyfriend, Fernando. It was distracting to say the least and the actress playing Christine was worried because her costumes were a bit tight and she was chastising herself for eating a cupcake.

Being in the actor's heads reminded me how much I preferred films. Usually I was reminded when we travelled to London and saw _The Mousetrap. _It started in the fifties, when we all went to London for a visit and then each decade, the show was still there, so it became a tradition for the Cullens. Over fifty years later, it was still running, same show. As vampires, we had to constantly adjust with the times and to have something that was like us, unchanging, was comforting.

I looked over and chuckled at Charlie sleeping; I envied him. I knew I should have gotten tickets to the _Lion King_ instead. Phantom hit a bit too close to home, telling the tale of the deformed outcast that falls for the beautiful damsel only to have her end up with someone else. Of course, my story didn't seem to be ending like that. She wanted me and in a few short months she'd be mine.

It was apparent that Bella loved being able to show off New York City to her parents. She tried really hard to repair the relationship between Charlie and me, but he was protective of his daughter. I couldn't blame him, we had that in common.

During intermission, Bella and her mom made their way to the ladies room and I was left with Charlie. Charlie's thoughts were all over the place. He wanted to thank me for being here for his daughter, but he was still angry about how I left her. He was also wondering what the score of the Mariners game was. I couldn't help but smirk at his next thought.

"Edward," he turned toward me, "what are your intentions toward my daughter?"

"Sir, I know we are young and I have made mistakes, but I love her and well… one day, I want to marry her, when we are older, of course, and if Bella wants to get married. Her happiness is most important to me above all others."

"Edward, I don't like you much, but knowing you are here to watch over my Bella, well it brings me some piece of mind. If you ever hurt her again…"

Charlie pictured his shotgun and fishing boat.

"Sir, I can assure you that will never happen. I just want to give Bella the world," I said quickly, before Charlie could finish his sentence.

The rest of the visit with Bella's parents was pleasant and uneventful. I joined them in the evenings, citing that my studies kept me from spending time with them during the days. They were eager to hear about Bella's plans to study abroad. Charlie was concerned at first, but when he learned I was joining her, he became less concerned about Bella's safety. _If he only knew._ It was part of our plan. One semester at NYU and then she would study abroad, which really meant become a vampire. I had given up trying to talk her out of it and knew that the rest of my family had spoken to Bella about changing and it was what she truly wanted, and I couldn't deny her that.

**Bella POV**

I wasn't stupid. I knew it was the Cullens who arranged for my parents to come and visit me. It was too expensive to go home for Thanksgiving and I couldn't then pick which parent to spend Christmas with. So this was it, my last time seeing my parents, at least as a human.

Carlisle and I had concocted several ways for me to see my parents at least for awhile. I could get by with contacts, make-up and temporary hair color for a while. Paint in a few gray hairs. We thought we could attribute my change in appearance to my time abroad. One goes to Paris, they come home fabulous – that was Alice's idea. As far as my cold body temperature, I would have the same neurological disorder Edward had, if they did touch me. It may not be perfect but at least I didn't have to let them go.

Knowing I could and would see them again didn't stop me from bawling my eyes out at the airport. It would be at least a year, if not two, until I saw them again. Thankfully they were taking an evening flight and Edward had driven them to the airport in Esme's car. We didn't return to the city. With a break between classes, it seemed like a good idea to spend a few days out in the country with the Cullens.

It didn't last long. Sex between a vampire and a human, makes the vampire hungrier for human blood. Apparently Edward hadn't noticed me waking up this morning and I surprised him, well as much as a human can surprise a vampire, with a blow job. With the heat and humidity, I kept feeling like I was eating a Popsicle as I took his length in my mouth. Edward was giving up so much of his own beliefs merely for my happiness, doing this one act seemed like a small way to give something back to him. Not that I finished it, he wouldn't let me, but still. Instead he pulled me off of him and turned away, finishing himself off with his own hand. I would never grow tired of pleasuring him.

Cleaned up, he pulled me close to him, his cool bare chest, now familiar, felt good against my back. I turned my head to give him a kiss. It was then I noticed his amber eyes were now a dark black.

"Edward are you okay?"

"I…should be okay," he said reluctantly, trying to hide his discomfort.

"Listen, if you need to hunt and not just a piddly little deer, but bigger game, go. I need to get my text books and spend some time with my friends," I insisted.

"You are hanging out with your friends."

"My human ones…"

He didn't argue much – though Alice assured him I would be okay.

I insisted that I take the train back to the city and allow the Cullens to go on a family trip hunting up north, near the Canadian border. It's not that part of me felt left out, but I knew if I was going to stay a human for now, I needed to straddle both worlds. Besides, Shoshanna had texted me wondering where I had been these past few days. It made me realize I was doing it again – making the Cullens, Edward especially, my life. A few days apart so he could hunt would do him some good. I was pretty sure I wouldn't get into too much danger in late August in New York City. Besides, Alice would have seen trouble coming. The heat and humidity was enough to deter anyone from pretty much doing anything.

* * *

"Rooftop party?" Shoshanna asked. I had just returned from grabbing a bagel and was already sweating from the unforgiving August heat. "There will be chaise loungers and they are blowing up a kiddie pool."

I didn't really have anything else to do today. Edward and the Cullens weren't due back until tomorrow morning.

"Oh, come on. You and Richie Rich have been holed up for half the summer. Come have fun – let loose a little bit before classes start in a week."

"Shosh, when you put it like that how can I say no? I need to shower first."

After a quick shower, and several minutes hemming and hawing over what to wear, cursing Alice for not being available, I finally threw on a cotton sundress and flip flops. Shoshanna and I walked over to her friend's apartment deep in the East Village. The apartment was on the fifth floor of a sixth-floor walkup and thanks to a summer of walking, I wasn't huffing my way up the steps.

The party was typical with mixed drinks and lounge chairs set up. Shoshanna's friends had ordered one of those giant six-foot long subs. I probably shouldn't have had so many pina coladas. Thankfully, I collapsed into one of the comfy lounge chairs and tried to soak up the sun. _While I still could without sparkling. _

Alice and Rosalie had laid out with me at their house in Connecticut, but they sparkled so much it was a bit distracting. It wasn't as if they would tan at all. They just liked to keep me company. Inadvertently giving me body issues from staring at their perfect bodies. I was nervous and excited to see what I would look like.

I really must have had too much to drink. At one moment, I opened my eyes to see Shoshanna and a few people standing over me. It felt like they were drawing on my face.

"Shhhh… she's waking up."

"Let me just finish the head."

I opened my eyes to find a hazy Shoshanna standing over me.

"Bella, we are going down to Pete Wentz's bar around the corner. You want to come?"

I tried to open my eyes and sit up, but the combination of alcohol, sun, and sleep held me down. "I'ma gonna stay here," I said, my words slurring together.

"Well, after you get some rest, you may want to check your face, and then come on down. You can't miss it – it's right on the corner."

Shoshanna and the others must have left because the next time I opened my eyes I was alone on the darkened rooftop. Except I wasn't alone.

"Oh, look, sleeping beauty has finally woken up," teased the curly haired red-head who had haunted my dreams.

How did she find me? This wasn't a dream. Why didn't Alice see this? Maybe she did and they were coming. I needed to stall. She'd see this and they'd come.

"What are you doing here?" I stammered.

"I didn't get an invitation to your little party. Why aren't you with your vampire keepers? They give you the night off? I don't understand humans. Since when has drawing phallic symbols as tattoos on one's face become acceptable?"

I pressed my hand to my cheek and looked down to see a permanent marker sitting next to my chaise lounge.

She walked around the rooftop with a grace only vampires seemed to possess. It was like she was dancing. I brought my knees to my chest and watched her. I looked past her, checking to see how far from the door she was, calculating to see if I could make a swift getaway.

If she was a human, I knew I could make my way to the door and at least down a few flights of stairs, but not with a vampire.

_Alice, please._ I kept pleading for her to have seen this. Where were they?

"He's far away, your little vampire boyfriend. They all are. I made sure of that. They won't make it back in time for me to do to you what they did to my mate."

"They'll hunt you down and kill you," I sneered, sitting up.

"You know, no one will ever be able to hear your screams this far up and with all the noise of the city." Victoria said, leaning against the railing lining the rooftop and looked down.

With her eyes not on me, I made my attempt at an escape. I flew out of my chair and ran to the door. I felt my legs carry me down the steps. Every time I made it to another floor, I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure why she wasn't chasing me, but I didn't care. I just knew I needed to run. I made my way down the hallway, past the mailboxes to the front door of the building and still nothing.

I threw the door open and ran out onto the sidewalk, turning sharply, directly into Victoria, who was standing there waiting for me. I took a few steps backward, my back now facing the street.

"Silly human," she said, smiling. I looked up at her pale features, which were only more intense because of her rich red hair. "You can't outrun me when I can easily jump down six stories."

I kept backing away from her as she kept stepping closer to me. In some sick sadistic tango, that would only end with a fatal bite and her draining me of life.

_Please, Edward. _They had to come. They must come.

"You are making this much more difficult than it needs to be. This will all be over very soon," Victoria cried taking a larger step foward as I stepped back off the curb. Her hands grabbed hold of me, when I felt a huge force pushing her away from me. The impact made me stumble further out in the street, where I stood for a moment trying to see where Victoria had gone.

A horn blew behind me.

And then everything went black.


	29. Chapter 29: Addicted to Love

Chapter 28- Addicted to Love

**AN: This is the last chapter. I will have a massive epi. This journey started over a year and a half ago. Thank you for reading this. I will be going back and updating earlier chapters. Content-wise, nothing will change. Thank you. As always, thanks to ColourMeCullen, FanpireMama and SassyGeminiMom. Also, I do not own, but I did make Lauren cool.**

_The lights are on,  
But you're not home.  
You're mind is not your own.  
Your heart sweats,  
Your body shakes.  
Another kiss is what it takes._

You can't sleep, you can't eat.  
There's no doubt, you're in deep  
Your throat is tight,  
you can't breathe.  
Another kiss is all you need.

Whoa, you like to think you're immune to the stuff,  
Oh yeah.  
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough.  
You know you're gonna have to face it.  
You're addicted to love.

You see the signs,  
but you can't read.  
You're running at a different speed.  
Your heart beats in double time.  
Another kiss and you'll be mine.  
A one track mind.

You can't be saves.  
Oblivion is all you crave.  
If there's some left for you, you don't mind if you do.

**-Addicted to Love original by Robert Palmer this version is Florence + the Machine**

**Edward POV**

Not having to worry about my thirst was one of the many things I was looking forward to once Bella was turned. I hated leaving her behind, worse yet dropping her off at the Greenwich train station, but I was in serious need of a good hunting trip. One could live off of suburban deer for only so long.

Alice of course, had seen a Cullen family hunting trip up near the Canadian border in the future. She hadn't seen much past that, but when I had asked about Bella, she said she had seen her hanging out with her roommate. I wasn't worrying too much about her. Summer in New York City tends to be pretty quiet, aside from tripping on uneven pavement or a crack on the sidewalk.

The trip had been pretty uneventful, very similar to the trips we had taken we had lived in Forks. It was nice to feel like a family again. Jasper exuded the love we felt for one another and it permeated through us all. After a year of such turmoil, which in our time on earth, is merely a blink of an eye, it had still felt like eternity to all of us.

Emmett was satiated after bagging a large bear. We all found our favorites, which was the advantage to hunting in such a large area. It took me a while, but I did find a tasty mountain lion, or two.

Herbivores just aren't as satisfying as carnivores or even omnivores for that matter. It had been way too long.

"Edward, I have observed that all of your intimacy with Bella has made your appetite increase," Carlisle stated. After we had spent the evening hunting and were hanging around our campsite. Esme, Rosalie, and Alice had gone to a nearby spring to bathe in the sparkling waters. Alice insisted the sulpher in the water was good for the skin. It seemed moot to me – we were already smooth and rock hard, things like lotions and bathing in natural springs weren't going to change us.

"Speaking of sexual appetite, how about Bella? If you have such an appetite, I'm sure Bella's got something for you to munch on," Emmett teased.

"Guys, you're embarrassing Edward," Jasper said.

Carlisle cleared his voice. "I was just making a scientific observation. I don't know what Emmett was insinuating. Boys…" he turned and looked sternly at Emmett and Jasper.

"Edward, I do have to say thank you. Between you and Bella, Alice and I have been going at it like bunnies," Jasper joked.

When was this torture going to end? For decades I had always sat out when the guys had these conversations and now, finally not a virgin, I still couldn't fully understand the sex life of two vampires.

The evening went on pretty uneventful and the following day we worked around some hikers. They weren't too hard to hear their thoughts or smell. They had been hiking for almost a week with very infrequent sponge baths. After decades of controlling our thirst, the seven of us decided it would be better to head farther north in order to avoid them on yet another day of hunting.

It did prove to be a good move – we stumbled upon even more mountain lions. I was feeling so glutinous after feasting on my favorite food. The day seemed so ideal – cloudy, but no rain – perfect hunting weather and then it all went downhill.

I heard a shriek coming from where Alice and Jasper had been hunting elk. Immediately I honed in on Alice's thoughts.

I saw a dark rooftop. It looked like New York City. Bella was sleeping on a chaise lounge and there was a figure standing over her. A red haired figure standing over.

"Edward, I think Bella's in trouble," Alice whispered.

"Victoria!" I screamed.

Within a matter of milliseconds everyone had gathered around me, everyone was talking at once. I had failed. I had promised that I would protect Bella and yet I continued to put her in danger. This was all my fault. We should have never gone hunting so far away.

"Edward, you have to stop beating yourself up. It's counterproductive," Jasper cried, shaking me. "We all need to remain calm. Victoria was obviously evading Alice's visions. She was watching us and waiting for the right opportunity – a hole in our defenses. Well, she found it. So, what are we going to do about it?"

"Alice, do you know when this is going to happen?" Esme asked.

"Tonight. I don't know when, though." Alice said, shaken and obviously upset. "I didn't see a time. Edward, I'm so sorry. I should have seen this earlier."

"We need to focus on our plan. We have to get back to the city, but even with speeding – it's a four hour drive and it is only two hours before nightfall. We'll have to hurry,' Carlisle stated as he commandeered the situation.

We all ran back to the base of the camp. For humans it would have taken a full day to hike back down, perhaps even longer, but it only took us about thirty minutes. Well, I made it in less time, but then I was faster than the others. I was already sitting in the driver's seat with my fingers denting the steering wheel as I waited for everyone else to pile into the cars we had brought along – Jasper's Range Rover and Emmett's newest Jeep. I'd buy Jasper a new one if need be.

"Let's go," I growled as I revved up the engine and began barreling back to civilization. The odometer climbed as quickly as the V6 engine would allow, but as soon as we hit the interstate, we had to slow down. The state police had set up speed traps every twenty miles. According to one trooper, there was a state deficit and they were looking for speeders with out-of-state plates to generate some revenue. When I explained this to Carlisle he wasn't the least bit happy.

"You know the US was founded because a bunch of people didn't want to pay taxes that were being waged on them? You know how much we pay in taxes for all of our various accounts? You don't want to know. It's sick. " _We really should move more money off-shore, but it's just money. Hopefully this will distract Edward a bit. Edward, is this distracting you at all?_

"Carlisle…"

"Edward, we have a long drive. We won't know the situation until we get to Bella." Carlisle turned around to speak to Alice. "Have you seen anything else?"

Alice closed her eyes concentrating. In her head I saw Victoria standing over Bella, as she had previously seen. It seemed she was watching Bella sleep on a rooftop deck. By the looks of it, Bella was in the East Village. In one flash of Alice's mind, Victoria picked Bella up and threw her over the edge of the roof, cackling with laughter as she watched Bella fall to her death. Then the scene changed. Victoria was holding Bella down and biting into her jugular. The blood oozed down her neck and Victoria licked it off.

Alice's eyes popped open. "She hasn't made a decision yet. She keeps changing her mind. Edward, I thought you said she wouldn't be a threat anymore."

"I had convinced Laurent to tell Victoria that he had killed Bella, that her blood was too appealing. I don't know how she figured it out. Unless she realized Laurent was lying to her. Laurent's thoughts were so centered on Irina and his love for her; I thought he would comply…"

The car fell silent as we all pondered what had occurred in the past few months. I let out an unnecessary deep breath as I passed the sign welcoming us to New York State. We were so close, yet we still had the traffic around the city to contend with.

I kept having to slow down as we approached several speed traps, but finally we saw signs for the George Washington Bridge.

"Upper or lower level?" I asked panicked. It was always a crapshoot which level of the bi-level bridge would be the fastest. Not even my ability to read minds or Alice's ability to see the future could resolve this issue. Conditions changed frequently, a simple fender bender could cause thirty minute delays.

"Lower. Take the lower," Carlisle commanded.

I checked the rearview mirror, Rosalie followed suit as I merged into the lanes that would take us into the city. Of course, as we got closer to this main bridge, we ended up in stop and go traffic.

"Alice, how long are we going to be stuck here? Are we going to make it? What are you seeing?"

"Edward, she's still watching Bella. I see Bella is going to open her eyes and she is going to run. Everything else is fuzzy. I'm sorry. Everything keeps changing so quickly."

I slammed my hands down on the steering wheel, leaving a dent. "A cage. This car is like a cage. I can run much faster. Carlisle, please take the wheel," I growled quickly shifting the car into park and throwing my door open.

The people witnessing my plight were confused, but I sped away so quickly that they barely took notice. On foot, I could navigate around the traffic and within a minute I was on the island of Manhattan.

I ran across town so quickly that most people didn't look up from their conversations on their cell phones or were too pre-occupied to notice the blur of me whizzing by. The aloof nature of New Yorkers was one of the few aspects that made being a vampire and using vampire powers much easier in the open. Once cross-town, I trailed down 2nd Avenue; the little shops, restaurants and businesses that lined the street whirled by with the blue of the superfluous number of Chase bank branches standing out every few blocks. My running was timed with the lights and I never had to stop for unforgiving traffic, not that I couldn't stop a truck with my bare hand, but that would cause a scene.

Suddenly, my journey that had started hundreds of miles away came down to one little street in a tiny corner in one of the most bustling cities in the world, yet as I turned down the street, I saw the outline of the woman I love and the vampire who was set to avenge her lover's death.

As if it was possible, I ran even faster than I had been before. My eyes set on Victoria reaching out to Bella. Her touch, much like the grim reaper, would bring an untimely end to my love. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I would never let it happen. Victoria's thoughts centered on sinking her teeth into Bella and draining her of life.

In a flash of a few nanoseconds, I came barreling toward my nemesis; my only concern was to keep her from harming Bella. There was nothing around me that mattered but stopping her. With all my weight I pushed Victoria to the ground and Bella stumbled backward into the street. I couldn't stop it as Victoria was fighting back at me. Her nails dug into my impermeable skin as I fought back with all of my strength.

"If I stop and help that girl, I will get deported." I heard the thoughts in some foreign tongue as I quickly glanced to the street seeing a SUV-size taxi speeding off.

The girl he hit was Bella. Her breathing was labored and her heartbeat faint, but she was alive. I wanted to run to her, but if I let Victoria go, she'd come after us again. She'd never stop trying.

Silently, I begged and pleaded for my family to not be far behind.

"Oh, boo hoo loverboy, looks like that cab driver just made my job easier," Victoria taunted.

I held her down to the ground with all my might.

"She's still alive. She'll be fine, which is more than I can say for you," I cried, throwing another punch in Victoria's face.

Victoria squirmed under my grasp.

"How did you even find her?" I asked, trying to tighten my grip.

"Easily, I went to see Laurent again and I overheard those other vegetarians talking about you finding your mate. They even talked about how you were all surviving in New York City. It didn't take a genius to find out information. That Tanya chick sure talks a lot of shit about you. She was really upset to hear you were off the market. Disappointed. Why a human? Why her?" She sneered.

"The same reason you are here hunting her down – love. She's my mate."

"Not for long!" Victoria cried as she attempted to throw me off of her, but I held my ground.

She continued to claw at my face. Thankfully, I had just hunted and was able to hold her off. She was strong from drinking human blood, but thankfully with all the mountain lions, I could, with lots of effort, hold her off. She struggled quite a bit, before I pulled her hands down at her sides, trying to hold her down. I needed Emmett's strength. I needed Carlisle to care for Bella. _Where was my family?_

_Edward, we're here!_ I heard from various members of my family. I turned around briefly, to see their headlights as they pulled the cars closer.

"Carlisle, Bella needs help. Emmett, Jasper, over here," I called out.

Only it wasn't my brothers who came to my aide.

"I've got that bitch!" Rosalie cried as she came rushing out of the backseat of one of the cars and jumping on Victoria's head.

_Edward, Bella is a part of the family now. I accept that and no one fucks with my family._

Emmett and Jasper came to my aide and relieved me of holding Victoria down. Once they had a firm control over her struggling, form, I rushed to Bella's side to be of any assistance to Carlisle and blocked out their thoughts on how they were going to tear Victoria limb from limb. I tried to block out Carlisle's initial thoughts as he examined Bella. Instead I tried to figure out why she had a penis drawn on her face.

"It's not looking good, son. She definitely has a head injury. There's brain swelling." Carlisle took in a big whiff of air around Bella. I followed suit. She didn't smell the same. "That's the brain fluid building up. We need to move her to a place where I can better exam her."

"Carlisle… Can we finisher her off?" Emmett called out, seeking the approval of Carlisle, our moral compass.

"Yes, but find a trash can to put her body parts in. Make it look like some bums were drunk and set a fire or something."

"Bums? Carlisle, this is post-Giuliani era New York. There aren't a whole lot of bums anymore," I replied. Throughout the years, we had seen New York evolve from the slums to a bustling metropolis, to a fallen wasteland in the seventies, but now the city was thriving again, safer than ever. Thanks to the work of one of its greatest mayors.

"It doesn't matter. Most people won't think anything of it. I've got to get her back to the townhouse, so I can at least fully examine her and monitor her condition."

_Edward, it's not looking good. I need you to think about whether or not you want her to go, naturally or if you want to change her._

No. It was too soon. She wanted some semblance of a normal life. A semester as a human. More time. She wanted more. I wanted more time, but she wanted to be changed. A taxi driver is what did her in. All this time I tried to protect her from Victoria and now she wasn't even the one who brought Bella to this moment.

It couldn't be this easy. Yet, it wasn't. What would we tell her family? Her friends? Would we fake her death? I was a myriad of emotions.

"Esme, Alice, come over here and help me move Bella into the back of the car. It's okay there's only internal bleeding," Carlisle called out to the two family members who had hung back at the cars,

"I can do it," I insisted.

"No, Edward, you are too…" Carlisle paused, searching for the right word, "emotional and rightfully so. She needs you to hold her hand."

"Edward, when we get home I'll scrub this off of her face, but we need to hurry. Some of Bella's friends are going to realize she hasn't joined them soon and are going to come this way looking for her," Alice cried out as she, Carlisle, and Esme lifted Bella up off the asphalt. Bella could easily be lifted by any one of us, but we needed to keep her neck as still as possible in transporting her. I held her hand as softly as I could, listening to her labored breathing, and counting her faint heartbeats.

Before getting into the car, I turned and saw bright blue flames coming from a steel trash can. At least we would never have to worry about Victoria ever again.

My hand never left Bella's as Carlisle performed every test known to man in our Upper East Side townhouse.

"Carlisle, why do you have all of this portable medical equipment stashed here?" I asked, knowing that we had always intended to turn Bella in Connecticut or somewhere out in the country where she could hunt easily.

_I was hoping to spend a few weeks helping the indigenous people in the Amazon Rainforest, but Alice could never quiet see a time where it would be dark enough. I had purchased some of this medical equipment though as preparation. I was hoping to take several of these small ultrasound devices, portable MRIs, and x-ray equipment to the villages and teach them to use them. At least now, they are getting some use._

"How bad is it? Can she recover?"

_There's internal bleeding, and like I suspected, swelling in her brain. She's in a coma, Edward. It doesn't look good. She'll need to be changed, soon."_

"Her parents… her friends… her life. How are we going to make her disappear? We can't change her here so close to people. Carlisle, I didn't want it to be this way."

I was so overwhelmed. There were so many decisions to be made.

"I'll gather the others and we can discuss how we are going to approach this in the dining room."

"No! I'm not leaving her side. I promised her I'd never leave. I promised her and I broke that promise. I won't ever. I won't. I promised." I wished I could cry, I sobbed, my tear ducts dry and devoid of life. Like me. Like the way Bella would be. She'd be like me, but what if she resented me for changing her before she wanted to?

"I'll bring them in here. We can discuss. Edward, son, you're not alone."

It had to be me. I had to be the one to change her. Bella would hate it if it was anyone else, even Carlisle. Would I be strong enough? What if I didn't stop? I had to stop.

As I sat lost in my own thoughts, my family quietly filed into the room.

"Edward, we're all here," Esme said softly, placing her hand on my shoulder.

"She's going to die if we don't change her, but she's not ready. We are tearing her from the life she wanted to live, even if it was only temporary and I don't know how we explain her absence. I have taken so much from her. I don't know how I can take this."

"Edward, Bella wants to be changed. She wants you. You aren't taking from her, you are giving her the opportunity at eternity with you. It's what she wants," Rosalie said softly. She never ceased to surprise me with the ways she felt toward Bella. Tonight was very eye opening.

"We'll need to put her in the back of the Land Rover and take her out to Connecticut, or maybe we should go up to the cabin we own in Vermont. It's a little bit farther, but it would be more secluded," Carlisle rambled. His thoughts continued thinking about how he'd transport Bella and still monitor her condition. Then a thought came to him. He looked at me and I shrugged and raised my eyebrow in response. It was intriguing.

"It just came to me. We change her here and then we transport her while she is undergoing the transformation. I've been wanting to see if morphine will affect the pain felt, and hopefully that will make it more bearable for her. Alice?" Carlisle asked, looking to Alice to see if she saw anything with that scenario.

I saw it before she could articulate her short vision.

"It'll work. She will still be in some pain, but the morphine will limit her ability to vocalize the pain. That will make it easier to transport her," Alice replied, as she sat down by the bed, and began to scrub Bella's skin with a variety of solutions – soap, rubbing alcohol, even cooking spray. Thankfully it was coming out. Alice looked up with me and nodded; she already knew what I was going to want to discuss next.

"Foreign exchange program," she said quickly. Her thoughts revealed Rosalie on the phone, emails to friends, and Alice packing up Bella's dorm room.

"Who does Rosalie talk to?" I asked, confused by the vision.

"Bella's parents, of course. Charlie knows my voice, but he's never even spoken to Rose. Besides, Rose can imitate Bella's voice fairly well. At least well enough to make it believable on the phone. Sort of. Renee will think it is romantic and will be proud of Bella for taking such a rare opportunity, but Charlie will be more suspicious. We are going to need to have to hack into her email to make sure she keeps up correspondence while she is away. It may be a few weeks before she has the ability to focus long enough on not schtupping this one or hunting."

"Schtupping?"

"Hey, we're living in New York; I'm picking up the vernacular. And yes, apparently Bella is going to be hornier than those two," Alice reiterated, pointing to Emmett and Rosalie. "Unfortunately, that's what I'm seeing. There – see it's all gone." I couldn't help but smile at the very erotic almost pornographic visions that were popping into Alice's head as she stood up from her seat.

I shook my head to regain focus. There were more people to worry about. "What about her roommate? Her friends?"

"We tell them you proposed and the two of you ran off to get married. Shoshanna will believe it and her other friends have only known her for a few weeks. They'll believe anything; they barely know her."

"Edward, Alice has seen it will be all right. Your anxiety is overwhelming me. It's going to be okay. She wants this."

"New York City isn't going anywhere, well at least not until 2012 when the entire east coast falls into the ocean. She'll be back and get the NYU experience. It may take her awhile to not want to eat her classmates, but she'll be back," Emmett said, never missing an opportunity to point out his 2012 doomsday beliefs. _The end is near. The end is near._ Emmett chanted in his head.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"So, I guess I need to figure out how I am going to change her?" I said, unsure of myself.

"Well we should start our plan for packing up Bella's stuff. No, Edward, I won't throw out her clothes, even though some of them should not be worn in public," Alice said, taking Rosalie and Esme and shuffling out of the room.

"Edward, I am going to be right outside this room when it happens, trying to keep you calm," Jasper whispered as he left the room, leaving only Carlisle, Emmett and me.

Emmett first thought about saying something about the phallic symbol that had been drawn and removed from Bella's face, but instead chose not to. "So, umm do you need me here to like pull you off of her as you are sucking her dry?" Emmett asked.

"I think I can handle that, son. Why don't you wait with Jasper and I'll call you if I need you," Carlisle suggested.

And then there were two.

"How do you stop? Where do I bite? Why does it feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff?"

"Edward, you are about to make your mate, your mate for life. You stop because you love her. Where you bite her is really up to you. While fictional accounts have always used the neck, I prefer the left wrist, it will reach her heart almost as fast and it will be easier to pull you away, if you can't stop. But, Edward, I have complete faith in you that you will stop." _My heart is so full knowing you will finally have your forever, son. You've waited so long for her._

I lifted up Bella's left arm; I was already holding the hand. Slowly, I brought her wrist closer to my mouth. She smelled like Bella, but different. The brain swelling and the internal bleed must be affecting her.

"Like this?" I asked.

Carlisle nodded and moved to stand behind me, just in case.

The venom started pooling in my mouth. Out of habit, I swallowed it back down, until I realized I didn't have to this time. That would be the last time I would crave her blood. After tonight, I would only ever crave her for being her and nothing else.

It started to pool again and I opened my mouth, bringing my lips to her wrist. For a split second, my teeth met her paper thin skin.

And then I bit down.

~fin~

**AN: Don't freak out – an epi is in the works. Also, I posted a picture of my puppy in my profile. She's finally getting the hang of house breaking!**


	30. Chapter 30: Don't Stop Believing

**AN: This is it. Thank you for reading. Huge thanks to IsabelGrace, Sscana, ColourmeCullen, and FanpireMama for their help pre-reading and beta-ing. Be sure to check out my other stories.**

Epi- Don't Stop Believing…

Five years later…. 2011

**Lauren POV**

He was going to propose. I just knew it. Jeff had brought me to New York City for our anniversary – well the anniversary of when we got back together. We had already gone ring shopping, and he knew what I wanted. It seems like we've been together forever. Heck, we even finish one another's sentences.

Besides, it's New York City - can we say shopping, restaurants, and clubs before we had left Seattle, I really had wanted to know the good places to go. No tourist traps for me. I had been trying to get back in contact with Bella Swan, or Cullen I guess it is now since she lives there. At least that is what her dad has told his deputy, whose mother is friends with Jessica's mom and her mom told my mom and my mom told me…

Supposedly, Bella got offered this amazing opportunity to study abroad for her freshman year or something like that., which is strange because most people I knew who studied abroad went their junior year. Anyways, she went to like Austria or Australia or something like that for a year. Then she was supposed to come back to the US in the summer, but then Edward Cullen whisked her off on this world wind tour of Europe. Supposedly, he proposed and then his family flew her parents and stuff to Alaska so they could get married on a Glacier in Alaska at dusk. Who gets married that young? Anyways, apparently now she's finishing up school at NYU. At least that's what I heard. Supposedly, she's totally gorgeous and really blossomed during her travels or something like that.

Anyways, the bitch never replied to my emails when she went abroad and we just lost touch. She wasn't even on Facebook; even my Nanna is on Facebook, although she plays that stupid farm game and her status updates are totally annoying. I figured I would try once more, since I would be right there and maybe we could meet up for coffee or something. I wasn't expecting her to respond, but she did.

She said she had class all day but could meet me in the early evening. It would work out well, because Jeff wanted to put in some time at the New York Office. He works for one of those big companies with offices in every city. He's working his way up the corporate ladder. Not that I'm not. I got a job as a PR assistant at major software company, which is great because the dorky guys who do the programming are always too shy to talk to me.

So I had some time to kill to walk around, but instead of seeing the sights, I went shopping, of course. Besides, Bloomingdales is a landmark. Three pairs of Ugg boots later, because a girl can always wear her Uggs, it was time to meet up with Bella. Okay, despite the whole "grid system" I couldn't find my way around the city. I kept having to sing, "the Bronx is up and the Battery's down." So, instead of getting hopelessly lost in Greenwich Village, which actually has named streets, I took a cab.

I checked my phone, to make sure I had the right address. It was a cute little coffee shop with dim lighting. I looked around and saw a bunch of hipsters sitting at various tables engrossed in their laptops, but no Bella. I took a seat toward the back so that I could people watch all of these skinny-jean wearing, dark glasses, emo-freaks.

I sat there nursing a latte, when Bella walked in. She looked fairly similar to the way she had looked in high school. Her hair was still long and she was dressed casually – jeans, button down shirt, tucked out and boots over her jeans. Well, the boots were definitely stylish. There was something different about her though. She was paler than she had been, if that was at all possible. She was like Cullen pale. Did they have a contagious disease or something?

"Bella! Over here," I called out, waving my arm in the air. Bella smiled in return and walked my way.

"Lauren, it's great to see you. It's been forever."

Her voice was different than I remembered. It just sounded much more melodic to my ears, but I was a little off from the time change.

Bella sat down at the table. "Do you want anything? I can flag down our waitress?" I asked.

"Oh, no, I'm fine, really. So, what brings you to New York?"

"Jeff, yes we're still together, had business and I think he's going to propose, tonight!"

"Lauren, that's great! I owe you an apology. I sort of got caught up in college and traveling and never returned your emails. It's strange but you blink your eyes and boom – five years just fly by. How are you? What's Jessica up to? Do you still keep in touch with her? What about everyone else?"

"Angela and Ben are still together and going strong. They are engaged but they are both going to law school. Angela refuses to even think about an actual wedding until after they both take the bar exam in a few years. Jessica is great. She's a kindergarten teacher outside of Seattle. She's not dating anyone at the moment, well not any one guy… she tends to date around, a lot. We're not as close as we were, but we still get together every once in a while. Oh, did you hear about Mike Newton?"

She shook her head. This was priceless.

"He came out of the closet after his first semester of school. Which is great, but he's actually in New York. He works at some place called Lucky… something or another. He goes by the name Alicia Doubledees." I paused and waited for Bella's reaction. I mean, how could you not react to Mike Newtown, out and proud, drag queen? Actually, I was supposed to meet up with him tomorrow for lunch and shopping.

"Wow. I definitely didn't expect that," Bella said, her jaw dropping and her head shaking in disbelief.

"I know. It's good though, now that he isn't suppressing who he really is, he's totally tolerable and that's coming from me."

"That's great, Lauren, and you work in public relations now?"

How come Bella was completely avoiding talking about herself? This was kind of strange, not that I didn't mind talking about myself.

"Yup, I do promotions for this big software company. It's not glamorous, but it's a job. What are you studying now? Where did you go? I've heard all of these stories from Jessica, via her mom…through the whole Forks grapevine."

"Umm… well, I went off to Australia for a year and then I sort of got the travel bug and went around Europe. Edward and I just felt unsettled and wanted to see the world. Institutes of higher learning have been around for centuries, they aren't going anywhere, so we saw no reason to just go."

"And you got married?"

"Yup. We had a small ceremony with just our families. It wasn't really elaborate, but it worked for us. Edward and I are so happy together."

I thought back to how Bella had looked that first day back at school. That was the day I had decided to bury the hatchet and befriend her. As I sat there lost in my thoughts, Bella didn't attempt to make small talk; she just sat there, looking around the room, the floor, anything but me. The silence was uncomfortable.

"What are you studying?" I asked again. She hadn't answered me and I was desperate to fill in the silence.

"Oh, English literature. Focusing on the Brontes and Jane Austin." I had read that one book where it was Jane Austin's characters but they were zombies. It was funny, but still pretty boring.

"Wow! I remember you liked to read. So, what's good here in New York City? Do you have any recommendations for restaurants?"

Bella thought for a few moments. "Umm… Le Circque. The 21 Club are both classics. David Bourke Townhouse… I don't know. My parents liked Becco. So, tell me about you and Jeff. College? Catch me up on you."

I hadn't caught her up on all things Lauren, but I would give her the shortened version. "Well, Jeff and I were together through college. Oh, we did break up for like a day, but we got back together. Umm… what else can I say? We live together in a condo since I graduated last year and we are both working hard, saving to buy a house. It's like I always knew he was the one."

Bella nodded her head. We had always connected, because we had both found our soul mates so young and our stories were so similar.

"Lauren, isn't it amazing how we both ended up with the men who had been the cause of such teenage heartache? I think back to that time and well, I owe you a huge world of thanks." Bella said quietly. I tilted my head in confusion as she continued. "If I hadn't witnessed you and Jeff getting back together, I never would have opened my heart or my mind to the possibility of letting Edward back into my life. For that, I will always be internally grateful to you."

"Oh, Bella, that is so sweet." I reached my hand out to touch her arm across the table, but she flinched and pulled it back.

"Look at the time! I have to run to a study session," she cried, jumping up from the table. _Was she even wearing a watch?_

"It was great seeing you, Bella. Hopefully we can stay in better touch," I said, getting up to give her a hug.

She gave me a man hug, which was more like a pat on the back, but damn when I touched her she was like hard as a rock. _Edward must have her in personal training or something like that._

I got the feeling as she walked away and looked back, that I probably would never see her again. She seemed to be in her own world. Happy, but just on a completely different plane than everyone else I knew from Forks. Maybe she'd come to a reunion. I finished my latte, and paid the bill. I couldn't get used to the prices here - $12 for a latte? Insane!

The funny thing about seeing Bella was that I lied and really painted my life as perfect. It was far from perfect. Well, Angela and Ben seemed to have an ideal life. Jeff and I were great now, but we had broken up for a semester when I went abroad. I came home to him dating someone else. It broke my heart. Not that his relationship with that other girl lasted long, especially once I made a point of dating other guys in front of him, but it was a dark time in our relationship, a dark time that I didn't talk openly about with anyone. Jessica Stanley was a slut. She's my friend and all, but once Mike Newton came out, she started over-compensating because she thought she had made him gay. I know Jessica was never the sharpest crayon in the box, but really?

Mike Newton? Sure he's out and proud now, but his dad won't even acknowledge him. He refused to pay for Mike's education, because according to him, his son was dead. Who does that? Small town Forks people do. At least Mike's mom makes an effort and flies to New York at least once a year to see him. Mike is really strong and I admire him a lot.

Bella and Edward seemed to have it so easy, but one thing I had learned is that appearances are just that – appearances. All the superficial things I had thought had meant so much, I was slowly learning that they didn't mean bubcus.

I walked along until I could find a cab and headed back to the hotel. I had to get ready, tonight everything would change and I'd be one step closer to becoming Mrs. Fishbourne, like I always wanted to be. I knew the road ahead wouldn't be perfect, but whatever challenges I would face, I wouldn't be facing them alone.

**Bella POV**

Thankfully, Alice had prepared me for my coffee date with Lauren. She was just a blur in my memory of human life, and part of me wanted to ignore her request to meet up, but Alice had encouraged me to accept and then had pulled out photo albums to jog my memory. It had become fairly routine that I get a crash course in my human life before I interacted with anyone from my old life, even my parents. Study old photos, put on contacts, and try to sound less melodic. _I never was any good at acting._

When I first awoke from being changed, I was confused and sad. I had to come to terms with veering from the plans we had made. I had wanted to spend at least one semester of college as human. I could comprehend that being a vampire was a better alternative to being dead, but it took me several weeks to mourn my human life and even longer to figure out how to integrate my human existence with my new one. I could now understand how Edward wouldn't want this life for me, but I will never fathom how he could think we could both be in a world and not be together.

The Cullens were there every step of the way, especially Edward. From the moment I woke Edward was by my side, helping me and walking me through my new eternal life. He took me for my first hunt, and watched proudly as I pounced on a deer. Of course, I was messy, but since then I have become much neater in my hunting prowess. Even in vampire form, he still couldn't hear my thoughts, which was a relief, because I was a wide gamut of emotions – extremely sad one moment and then excited the next.

For the first time, I had siblings and Carlisle and Esme were terrific surrogate parents, Alice and Rosalie both embraced the role of my sisters – going shopping and bringing me home luxurious clothes I never ever thought about wearing. Having finely tuned senses meant that good old polyester was no longer comfortable against my new hardened skin. Emmett and Jasper were like the two big brothers I never had nor knew I ever wanted, but they were there, supporting me.

It was months before I even encountered a human, thanks to the Cullens carefully watch. Alice had finally foreseen an episode where I ran into humans and was stunned by my reaction. Thanks to the vision, she encouraged the family to take me out in public. It was then did I truly understand my special power. Apparently my aversion to blood as a human translated into a disdain for human smells as a vampire. It reminded me of the Roald Dahl children's book "The Witches", where the witches could always sniff out a child in the room.

At first, being around humans made me want to flee to the nearest bathroom and dry heave, of course nothing would come up. Eventually I grew used to their smell, but the thought of drinking human blood repulsed me. My powers made my newborn year much more tolerable, allowing us to travel a bit. I was fearful though of seeing my family.

My parents had been told that I was selected for a special study abroad program and that allowed me the time to adjust to vampire life. During that time, my parents' lives moved on. Renee got pregnant with twins. Phil was ecstatic and was talking about a whole baseball team. Having a few more years under her belt, Renee took to motherhood much better this time. I was happy for her, but the pregnancy and babies were just another wedge that pushed us further apart.

Charlie, on the other hand, threw himself into his work. At least, that was all he spoke about. Meth labs were popping up all around the county, and he was leading a joint task force from all of the towns to crack down on them. It wasn't until almost a year after the accident and my change, did he tell me over the phone that he had met someone. Actually, it was Sue Clearwater, one of his good friends' widow. Her husband, Harry had died shortly after I had left for school in June. Sue had two children, including a son, Seth, I think, who my dad has really taken a shine to.

Knowing that my parents had more than just me in their lives made it easier to pull away from them. Phone calls became more of a weekly occurrence, if not less and emails were fewer and further between. Renee hadn't seen me since her visit prior to my change. With the babies, it was too hard for her to travel and I couldn't exactly traipse down to Florida, with the sun. Eventually, we'd ask Alice to find us a rainy weekend so we could visit them.

Unlike Renee, Charlie was able to fly out to New York a few times – that was after I had returned from traveling. We could have gone to Washington, my change had been cleared by the tribe and the treaty still in place, but I wanted to avoid running into anyone else. Despite the stories we told, we had traveled quite a bit. Sometimes it was all eight of us and other times it was just Edward and me.

When my dad visited, I made sure it was during the winter. It allowed me to barricade my new skin with clothing, leaving layers upon layers between us. Edward later told me that Charlie noticed I looked different, but figured Alice and Rosalie had given me a makeover or something. He couldn't believe how beautiful I had become. The winter also allowed for the shortest amount of daylight and greater chance of overcast. It tended to work in our favor. I knew I only had a decade or two before we would have to turn to heavy makeup and temporary hair color to age me and Edward.

Yes, my father had accepted Edward as my husband. They bonded over baseball. He had even stopped trying to broach the subject of why I couldn't have married Jake. He was very successful though, with a chain of auto repair shops throughout the county and on the reservation. What my father didn't know and I later found out, was that Jake was bound to someone else, and eventually he would find her. I could only hope that in time, he would find her.

Edward had been my constant through all of this change. It was only as a vampire that I could truly understand the deepness of his feelings were for me, because my feelings seemed to intensify with my transformation. Every touch, every tender moment made me want to explode. It was difficult in the beginning to separate my physical desires to my emotional ones. Edward surely made up for his century of celibacy during that time. I think the term is fuck like bunnies. That was the way Emmett described us.

Edward. It seemed like eons ago when he had left me in the woods. That human memory was still vivid. Everything associated with that day, even the emotions, were still clear, but the pain was no longer there. We had found one another again; fate had led us back to one another.

I walked out of the little coffee shop, after meeting Lauren. There he was leaning against his car – a Volvo sedan; silver, of course. He bought it to help jog my memory. It didn't help too much, but I did enjoy the new memories we made in it.

Smirking, I thought back to a few nights ago when we had driven up to Bear Mountain at sunset. Not only had we watched the sun go down, but then we made love, ever so carefully as to not rip the leather interior. It was so freeing, being completely naked, our bodies coming together as one. I loved the way he felt inside of me, but nothing compared to when we climaxed – together.

"How'd it go?" Edward asked, pulling me close to him in a hug. I leaned in and breathed him in. Even for a few hours, I missed being close to him. I caressed his face with the back of my hand. Even a few moments away from him seemed like too long. When we were together, we were constantly touching. Our bond was one of the many reasons we had chosen to live in our own place apart from the rest of the Cullen family.

"Can I tell you when we get home? I need to process everything." I said, reluctantly pulling away as Edward nodded. I immediately missed him. Seeing Lauren had stirred up lots of old memories I had thought were lost to time.

Edward opened the door for me. I had become accustomed to him doing this for me. Everything we did together was so in-sync.

He weaved through the streets with ease, despite the erratic driving of cab drivers. Since learning of how my human life was cut short by one of those sunshine colored death traps, I was sickened to see them. Now that I have become accustomed to seeing them they just brought out feelings of indifference and sometimes even gratefulness. If one of those cabbies had been paying attention, I could have still been bartering for eternity with Edward.

Edward pulled into the garage of our luxury building and we quickly ascended up to our apartment- the penthouse, of course. Even if we weren't living with the rest of the Cullens, Edward always insisted on the best for us. I could never get used to the extravagance, the clothes, or the cars. I only needed the people who loved me around.

We sat down on our white leather sectional; the sun glistened as it was sinking in the sky.

"These are the times I wish I could read your mind. So…"

"Seeing Lauren again was so surreal. I know from what I was told that she, Jessica, and Angela had been there for me in my darkest time, but seeing her, suddenly hazy memories became clearer. She's happy. I think she's in a really good place in her life. Jeff is going to propose soon. I'm happy for her."

"I am so proud of you," Edward said, kissing my nose.

I pulled closer to him, bringing my lips to his. No longer was it cold on hot; we were equals now. No more being careful, no more secrets, no more being breakable. My hand was once again feeling the smooth skin along his jaw line; we were the same.

"Thank you."

"I know I only gave into agreeing to changing you because I wanted to please you, but I see it now – this is how we were destined to be."

"I know that now too. Preparing for and seeing Lauren made me realize something. When you left, it didn't matter who I was under, and at the time, I didn't want to care, I just wanted to feel. What I realize now, is that there was no getting over you. It was always you and now we have forever. Don't you see, Edward, it was always supposed to be like this – you and me, together, forever – through and through.

**~That's all folks!~**


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